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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To ask your child to keep quiet

134 replies

LozyLou · 08/04/2017 16:41

Hi I need to vent about my SiL. I don't to want to be accused of drip feeding so will put you in the picture. My partners sister is married with three children although for a good few years now they have been claiming to be separated. However my Dh and and dBil have both suspected for a while now that something isn't quite right. Top and bottom of it is that despite claiming to be separated they still live very much as though they are together. At first I didn't think much of it as it's to be expected most decent parents would want to keep things amicable if only for the sake of their children. Anyway as time has gone on I've seen and heard things that have made me to believe that this isn't your typical mature and friendly separation.

My husband's sister moved out of her rented home some time ago now as she managed to get a house with her local council and the children's dad moved back in with his parents a short drive away. They still live in each other's pockets and he spends the majority of time at her house when he's not working. Child support aside as that's what you'd expect any loving father to provide, he still financially supports her, gives her money on a weekly basis to treat herself not just the children. He works on her house doing home improvements and spends the weekends with her having take always, watching TV, going on nights out etc.

Now I expect to be told that it's none of my business, and you're right it's not. However they are toying with their children's emotions here and I know for a fact they've been asking their children to keep quiet about their set up but kids are kids and they have confided in my children about how things are at home. The most recent being they have gone on holiday abroad together as a family but told no one and yesterday my Dd and niece have been on FaceTime and she's been talking about her holiday telling her she'd had a great time, what she'd been up to etc but she's also slipped up and said that her dad had gone with them and that she wasn't supposed to say anything.

If the benefit system has a loophole that allows couples to live like this and get away it then that's just the way it is. I don't agree with it one bit but there is nothing I can do. What I can't accept is that they are expecting their children to lie for them. What kind of a life is this?. Yes they may have more money living like this than they would have if they claimed as a couple but what decent parent puts money above their own children's peace of mind and happiness. My Dh is going to have a word with his mum but at the end of the day what can she do. His sister is a grown woman and is the most stubborn person so will do what she wants to do. But I can't help feel angry and feel for the kids having to live a lie. AiBu here?

OP posts:

AHedgehogCanNeverBeBuggered · 08/04/2017 18:34

Bravo HarryPotter, well said. I bloody hate this side of MN - even if someone's blatantly harming their DC emotionally, apparently it's fine because if they claim benefits they must be an angel suffering extreme poverty. FFS, this is why the benefits bill has spiralled out of control over the last two decades. Tax dodgers have nothing to do with it, that's a completely separate conversation.

Billben · 08/04/2017 18:42

YANBU. And I don't care who says it's none of my business, I would still report them.

CakesAreBiscuitsToo · 08/04/2017 18:44

Jesus, how much money could we be talking here? Can anyone tell me a number is any sort?

The constant topic of conversation among a few circles of people that I know is how to tax evade. They must each evade millions in dubious but legal tax loops. It is so commonplace at high levels it isn't even seen as a crime. And you'd turn in someone on some heresay for a few measly pounds. I wouldn't do it. Energies would much better be focused on things like ending the huge tax subsidies for landed gentry - per capita the biggest benefit scroungers.

Honestly most companies tax evade in one way or another and are constantly seeking ways to compensate employees in ways that evade tax. It's so much more of a problem than this petty individual bullshit that gets trotted out here Over and over like some fucking broken record.

I even know people who smuggle themselves into the UK so they don't have to claim they are domiciled here for tax purposes. Any way to get out of the taxes.

CallousAndStrange · 08/04/2017 18:55

Not ok to commit benefit fraud. Very much not ok to rope children into perpetuating an ongoing lie.

Not sure what I'd do in this situation, but YANBU to be concerned about the kids here.

Doncha · 08/04/2017 18:56

Does he have an iPhone 3? Then burn him! (joking)

OP - what does it really matter to you? You do not know the intimacies of their domestic arrangements. The crux here is that you cannot believe that two separated people are getting on so well. Leave them to it and well done to them for providing holidays, a healthy relationship and a well maintained house for their children.

rosethyme · 08/04/2017 18:58

Theyre doing what needs to be done to have a better quality of life by the sound of it. Let them get on with it, being skint all the time makes a miserable home, if they're better off, good for them. I refuse to be angered by stuff like this, it's the big corporations who fiddle on a major scale who do that.

Doncha · 08/04/2017 19:01

Hang on, can I just say: NO ONE KNOWS IF BENEFIT FRAUD IS BEING COMMITTED

All you know is that two separated parents are getting on well and looking after their children. Alleging anything else if just speculation and could end up causing a world of issues.

Maybe they have not told anyone about the relationship because there is nothing to tell or it is just in the early stages.

Maybe they don't want to tell people as some people in their family are nosy busybodies who cannot wait to spring into action and report them to the benefits office and social services.

Maybe they are aliens from outer space who were ordered here to amalgamate into society and prepare for the start of the invasion.

That is a lot of maybes....

UppityHumpty · 08/04/2017 19:03

Report them OP. The government loves to hear about benefits cheats: and this is cheating to the nth degree. Bloody scroungers

Oysterbabe · 08/04/2017 19:04

Maybe they are just trying to make a go of their relationship again and don't want to tell people about it until they know if it's going to work out.

roundaboutthetown · 08/04/2017 19:05

What they are doing is far from being a victimless crime - people like them give benefits claimants a bad name and make society more likely to be mealy mouthed towards all claimants; they teach their children that lying and fraud are acceptable pastimes; and they create unnecessary stress for their children by forcing them to lie when they don't want to. I would be extremely angry with any relative who behaved like this.

roundaboutthetown · 08/04/2017 19:11

That said, if it was a genuine separation and they are tentatively giving it another go, but don't know whether it's going to work out, yet, then I would have more sympathy. Still would not approve of children being asked to lie/keep quiet - that is not a tenable long term situation.

CakesAreBiscuitsToo · 08/04/2017 19:18

It is a victimless crime because no one knows if they are committing a crime. It's petty in that the amounts can't possibly be significant

And it isn't "people like this" who give genuine benefit claimants a bad reputation, it is the relentless vilification of benefits claimants in the media that has cast a dark shadow over benefit recipients. Much to the benefit of the wealthy, of course.

Oldbutstillgotit · 08/04/2017 19:28

OITNY - no one expects single people or single parents to remain celibate whilst receiving benefits however why should tax payers support people who pretend to be separated when they are not? The most common scenario I come across is someone ( usually the Mum) claiming to be a single parent and " ex" lives with parents however they are still very much a couple. There is no " 1/2/3/4 nights a week " staying over -the whole situation is looked at and - not surprisingly- social media gives away a lot . And it is completely unacceptable to ask children to lie ( I see that a lot) .

Oldbutstillgotit · 08/04/2017 19:34

Welliesandpyjamas- what loophole ? Lozylou- you have been unfairly pilloried here.

OITNY · 08/04/2017 19:56

Old - My MIL works for DWP in the fraud dept, and it's quite interesting how they manage to catch people, i.e. Social media as you say, card payments for bills in the partners name, mobile phone contracts registered to that address and so on. It must be quite hard to hide these things nowadays.

Atenco · 08/04/2017 20:52

Well there is a single dad on mumsnet who has gone on holiday with his ex-wife for the sake of the children and when she is visiting the children he often lets him stay in his house. But he has absolutely no intention of getting back together with her. In fact, my dd has gone on holiday with her ex and my dgd.

CakesAreBiscuitsToo · 08/04/2017 21:03

It must be quite hard to hide these things nowadays
If you are poor, yes, it might be hard but if you are rich, even the judges recognise that you are beyond the reach of the law and can wherever you like and do and steal whatever you like.

But keep on squabbling over the absolutely minuscule crumbs like this, it's all good for those stealing the country out from under us wholesale for the rest to be so preoccupied with the crumbs.

CakesAreBiscuitsToo · 08/04/2017 21:03

*can GO wherever you like

Luttrell · 08/04/2017 21:06

'Stay out of it and mind your own business' is how children get abused.

Yanbu. Making the children lie to others and maintain this divorce pretense is seriously unhealthy.

CakesAreBiscuitsToo · 08/04/2017 21:09

Making the children lie to others and maintain this divorce pretense is seriously unhealthy.

Except this is pure speculation and may not be the case at all. This the problem with nosing into other's people's lives in this way. This could be the furthest thing from the truth.

OITNY · 08/04/2017 21:11

I agree cakes. Benefits cost pennies in the grand scheme.

Willyoujustbequiet · 08/04/2017 21:19

Yabu its none of your business.

I dont see that shes doing anything wrong. They arent together. They could simply be getting along well in an amicable but platonic way.

Dont be meanspirited

lazyarse123 · 08/04/2017 21:42

I think you have been unfairly flamed on this thread op, i didn't read anywhere where you mention reporting them. I agree that it is wrong to ask children to lie for whatever reason but i don't know what you can realistically do about it.

Aderyn2016 · 08/04/2017 22:02

'Stay out of it and mind your own business' is how children get abused

Except we are not talking about abuse. We are talking about the parents not wanting their personal lives discussed with nosy ILs!

I think it is as much a possibility that they are trying to rebuild their relationship and want privacy to do so, as anything else.

Aderyn2016 · 08/04/2017 22:08

As an aside, don't we as a society, encourage our children to lie all the time in order to maintain social niceties?
'Thank you nan for the lovely Christmas present' etc.

Too much honesty is considered tactless and not a great idea by society as a whole.

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