To ask your child to keep quiet

[LozyLou]

Hi I need to vent about my SiL. I don't to want to be accused of drip feeding so will put you in the picture. My partners sister is married with three children although for a good few years now they have been claiming to be separated. However my Dh and and dBil have both suspected for a while now that something isn't quite right. Top and bottom of it is that despite claiming to be separated they still live very much as though they are together. At first I didn't think much of it as it's to be expected most decent parents would want to keep things amicable if only for the sake of their children. Anyway as time has gone on I've seen and heard things that have made me to believe that this isn't your typical mature and friendly separation.

My husband's sister moved out of her rented home some time ago now as she managed to get a house with her local council and the children's dad moved back in with his parents a short drive away. They still live in each other's pockets and he spends the majority of time at her house when he's not working. Child support aside as that's what you'd expect any loving father to provide, he still financially supports her, gives her money on a weekly basis to treat herself not just the children. He works on her house doing home improvements and spends the weekends with her having take always, watching TV, going on nights out etc.

Now I expect to be told that it's none of my business, and you're right it's not. However they are toying with their children's emotions here and I know for a fact they've been asking their children to keep quiet about their set up but kids are kids and they have confided in my children about how things are at home. The most recent being they have gone on holiday abroad together as a family but told no one and yesterday my Dd and niece have been on FaceTime and she's been talking about her holiday telling her she'd had a great time, what she'd been up to etc but she's also slipped up and said that her dad had gone with them and that she wasn't supposed to say anything.

If the benefit system has a loophole that allows couples to live like this and get away it then that's just the way it is. I don't agree with it one bit but there is nothing I can do. What I can't accept is that they are expecting their children to lie for them. What kind of a life is this?. Yes they may have more money living like this than they would have if they claimed as a couple but what decent parent puts money above their own children's peace of mind and happiness. My Dh is going to have a word with his mum but at the end of the day what can she do. His sister is a grown woman and is the most stubborn person so will do what she wants to do. But I can't help feel angry and feel for the kids having to live a lie. AiBu here?

I would never report them nor would my Dh but only for the sake of the children. What gets me though is that they don't need to do this. She works full time, ok not on a great wage but he works full time (on te side) not paying tax, national insurance etc and even got money from the job centre years ago for going back into a "proper" job which he only did to get the money and then not long after went back working for himself as it paid better.

They can legally be in a relationship and live separately without it affecting benefits, as long as he doesn't stay there for more than 4 nights per week. I wouldn't report them because what they will gain won't be much in the grand scheme of things, there are more important issues in life.

With regards to the children, they are probably very afraid of getting reported and hence asking them to keep quiet - or - they might simply want people to mind their business

Portia, it wasn't meant to bea benefit bashing thread. Yes I feel they are claiming money they aren't entitled to but I accept that they will never change. I can sleep securely at night knowing I don't have to live like this and I'm happy but what I'm not happy with is that they are using their own kids to keep their lie going. I'd have a little more respect for them if they were just upfront with close family as that way their kids wouldn't have to keep secrets.

My reading of the OP is that her concern isn't about the financial arrangements but that the children are being asked to make out their parents are not together. I can understand her concern and would be bothered if it was my nephews or nicese.

They probably only have to lie to you and your partner though.

Of course it's not acceptable, but I think most people have that one nosey aunt/uncle that the rest of the family want to keep their business from.

For me it was my Aunt Mary. My mum would always say, "For god sake don't tell her anything.You know what she's like" and everyone else would nod sagely

OITNY- sorry that is a myth about a BF/ Partner being allowed to stay a certain number of nights a week. I work in a Jobcentre and have lust count of the number of times I have had to say that . I have also heard parents on numerous occasion telling kids to be quiet when they start talking about Daddy being " st home "
OP you have had a tough time here but YANU. I would report her- even though she is working she could well be receiving Tax Credits .

They will be afraid of being reported but why should the kids bear the brunt of that and have to lie. The 4 night rule I've been told is a complete myth. They don't just look now at how many nights you have someone stay over, they look at how the individuals conduct themselves, if they financially support each other, if they spend a lot of time together or going on days outs, holidays etc.

You can report anyone you think is committing benefit fraud here

www.gov.uk/report-benefit-fraud

At least be honest. You are actually annoyed that they have found a way of being together without being together all the time. Sounds like they are happy and doing ok. You dislike your sil and are jealous and are dressing it up with concern about the kids lying. The parents probably know with busybodies like you that someone will be looking to get them into bother in some way and actually they are right.

I'm not like that though. I have never given my sister in law the impression I'm nosey because usually I'm not. I get on with my own life and usually don't care what other people get up to. This is different though it involves my family and more importantly, children.

• lost not lust !

If he is living at his parents house, I do not get what the problem is, people can split amicably, maybe they get on better apart than they do together.

I am being honest and I'm not jealous, not one bit. I'm happy with my partner and our family set up. I don't feel the need to make him leave and move back to his mother's house just so that we can be a bit better off financially. If I wanted to do it I could but what example would that be setting to our children. That it's ok to lie and swindle money out of the government but more importantly it's completely acceptable to lie to your friends and family. I'd rather have my life thank you.

Mucky that is not my gripe. My gripe is that they are lying to friends and family members and making their children do the same. I'd that was the case and they found it easier to life apart but be together then why not just say so. I know they don't need to declare every aspect of their life to people but you just wouldn't lie to your close family would you.

I'd probably just have a chat with her. She might not realise that children keeping adult secrets is a burden and and very different from an adult keeping a friend's secret. Shes probably only thought about her needs and situation and needs and hasn't considered the impact on the children.

i suggested that to my partner and he said that he'd speak to her but hasn't got round to it yet. But I know exactly what will happen. She'll get on the defensive start shouting and screaming and tell him to get out. That's just how she is.

Old - what is the current standing with regards to it out of interest? I obviously haven't thought to update my knowledge in the past 10 years because my partner and I have never been eligible for anything

You clearly dislike your sil I think you should keep your nose out

I clearly don't like the fact she's making her children lie. I've not once said I don't like her. Yes I don't like what she's doing and can be a difficult person at times but prior to this I've never had anything against her and usually we get on fine.

Again, I'll ask the question, as no one has bothered to answer it. Do you think it's ever acceptable for a parent to insist that their children keep quiet to cover up their own lies?

The kids would bear the brunt of increased poverty, which is correlated to quite significant lowered life chances. Why are you only concerned about them suffering speculative emotional issues from keeping a family secret (if, indeed, it is the secret you think it is)?

Getting their kids to lie is weird because they are doing nothing wrong!

So what you're saying is to keep children out of poverty we should all commit benefit fraud?

Well they must think they are if they are getting the children to lie.

In general I think it's perfectly fine to ask kids not to talk about private family matters, though it's inappropriate to tell them off if they fail or to let them think they are to blame for any fall out. Learning not to blab about everything is a good life skill to develop.