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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask your child to keep quiet

134 replies

LozyLou · 08/04/2017 16:41

Hi I need to vent about my SiL. I don't to want to be accused of drip feeding so will put you in the picture. My partners sister is married with three children although for a good few years now they have been claiming to be separated. However my Dh and and dBil have both suspected for a while now that something isn't quite right. Top and bottom of it is that despite claiming to be separated they still live very much as though they are together. At first I didn't think much of it as it's to be expected most decent parents would want to keep things amicable if only for the sake of their children. Anyway as time has gone on I've seen and heard things that have made me to believe that this isn't your typical mature and friendly separation.

My husband's sister moved out of her rented home some time ago now as she managed to get a house with her local council and the children's dad moved back in with his parents a short drive away. They still live in each other's pockets and he spends the majority of time at her house when he's not working. Child support aside as that's what you'd expect any loving father to provide, he still financially supports her, gives her money on a weekly basis to treat herself not just the children. He works on her house doing home improvements and spends the weekends with her having take always, watching TV, going on nights out etc.

Now I expect to be told that it's none of my business, and you're right it's not. However they are toying with their children's emotions here and I know for a fact they've been asking their children to keep quiet about their set up but kids are kids and they have confided in my children about how things are at home. The most recent being they have gone on holiday abroad together as a family but told no one and yesterday my Dd and niece have been on FaceTime and she's been talking about her holiday telling her she'd had a great time, what she'd been up to etc but she's also slipped up and said that her dad had gone with them and that she wasn't supposed to say anything.

If the benefit system has a loophole that allows couples to live like this and get away it then that's just the way it is. I don't agree with it one bit but there is nothing I can do. What I can't accept is that they are expecting their children to lie for them. What kind of a life is this?. Yes they may have more money living like this than they would have if they claimed as a couple but what decent parent puts money above their own children's peace of mind and happiness. My Dh is going to have a word with his mum but at the end of the day what can she do. His sister is a grown woman and is the most stubborn person so will do what she wants to do. But I can't help feel angry and feel for the kids having to live a lie. AiBu here?

OP posts:
Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 17:37

It's nothing to do with you they aren't you kids you have no right to dictate and tell them how to parent wether or not you agree with their actions

Original poster
LozyLou · 08/04/2017 17:38

Adults gossip, young kids don't that's completely different. I'm not saying they should have to broadcast their entire lives as I wouldn't want my kids to do that.

OP posts:
ohforfoxsake · 08/04/2017 17:38

Is he actually sleeping there?

PaniWahine · 08/04/2017 17:38

If they weren't doing anything wrong, they wouldn't be asking the kids not to tell anyone. They're over claiming benefits / allowances.

It's not fair on the kids (I'm another one who had to keep mums affair a secret), and it also teaches the kids that being dodgy is ok.

I would report them.

Original poster
LozyLou · 08/04/2017 17:39

So I'll ask again. You think it's perfectly acceptable for parents to ask their chiskren to lie?

OP posts:
Original poster
LozyLou · 08/04/2017 17:40

This is it. If they weren't doing anything wrong they wouldn't feel the need to ask their chiskren to keep quiet. They don't need to go into details but surely you'd tell your mum and dad at least if you were in a relationship. Well I assume most people would anyway.

OP posts:
Itaintme · 08/04/2017 17:41

I think this is a benefit bashing thread disguised as a won't somebody think of the children thread.

BoomBoomsCousin · 08/04/2017 17:42

Lozy I didn't say people should commit fraud, I asked why you frame this in terms of concern for the children but ignore the impact on them of them having less money?

I don't know that they are committing fraud. Most of what you describe happened between my parents and they were definitely split up. I was never asked to keep quiet about any of it though, but we didn't live under the fear of benefits being taken away because someone got the wrong end of the stick.

Original poster
LozyLou · 08/04/2017 17:42

It's not at all. I don't care about the extra money they have to spend. I'm in a fairly comfortable position financially so why would that concern me.

OP posts:
Original poster
LozyLou · 08/04/2017 17:43

The impact of them having less money I assume would be the same for my children if either me or their dad lost our jobs. Yes it would be difficult but we'd find a way to manage.

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 08/04/2017 17:44

YANBU. The answers you have got are bloody ridiculous. It's because of people like this which is why government has cracked down so much on benefits and disabled people like me lose theirs.

I was in a similar situation when I was younger, twice. I didn't realise and said the wrong thing one day. Other times mine and my dad's stuff had to be hidden away and I had to be taken out because we weren't supposed to be living there. It's utterly shit to do this sort of thing to children.

And most of the posts in MN have nothing to do with the UP, doesn't bloody mean we can't ask about it or have an opinion.

Original poster
LozyLou · 08/04/2017 17:44

I think I'll just leave it there. What I've posted has been completely misconstrued for something it is not.

OP posts:
HarryPottersMagicWand · 08/04/2017 17:45

OP

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 17:46

Its none of your business what they do with their kids end of

Original poster
LozyLou · 08/04/2017 17:47

So I take it you condone it. Ok, let's leave it there. I'm honestly shocked at a lot of your opinions but I suppose just like I am entitled to mine you're entitled to yours.

OP posts:
Atenco · 08/04/2017 17:50

People post here about their own problems, OP. Posting about other people's situations is generally frowned on as nothing anyone can say here will change how those other people behave, apart from being just sheer hearsay.

RachelRagged · 08/04/2017 17:54

I think this is a benefit bashing thread disguised as a won't somebody think of the children thread.

Tend to agree.

Underthemoonlight · 08/04/2017 18:00

Today 17:50 Atenco

People post here about their own problems, OP. Posting about other people's situations is generally frowned on as nothing anyone can say here will change how those other people behave, apart from being just sheer hearsay.

^This
Have abit more class op nothing worse than the green eyed monster

Aderyn2016 · 08/04/2017 18:02

This might not be anything to do with benefits - they could just be a couple who find it hard to live together 24/7 but who do love each other and want to maintain a family life.
They might be asking their dc to not discuss personal family business because they are related to people who are prone to interfearing.

Even if it is about benefits, I find it hard to ccondemn people who are just trying to give their dc a better life.

I suspect that they don't really ask the dc to lie, just not to discuss their personal business with you outside the home. This isn't even your sister but your partner's sister. I'd say he is entitled to an opinion at a push but you are really not.

LovingLola · 08/04/2017 18:04

My Dh is going to have a word with his mum

Why? Why does he not have a word with his sister instead of running to his mother with stories??

WelliesAndPyjamas · 08/04/2017 18:07

The loophole exists. It's a shame but it just does. I know of at least two families locally who do this but it's their business, not mine. I wouldn't do it and I don't approve but that's as far as it goes.

For the sake of your family harmony, don't get involved. But if you feel strongly about how wrong and unfair it is, start by writing to your MP, and take it as far as you can without naming names or giving identifiable information. It may feel like a drop in the ocean but at least you are taking some action and who knows, it may be the extra little shove that is needed to help change a system that doesn't work that well.

RJnomore1 · 08/04/2017 18:20

Have you posted about this before it's extremely familiar.

ProlificPoster · 08/04/2017 18:26

I'll play along Wink

I'd report them. 🤷🏼‍♀️ I don't understand why MN posters get more outraged about reporting possible fraud than people who actually commit fraud. It's weird.

Enigmatic101 · 08/04/2017 18:28

Just going on what you've written here it looks like you are more wound up at the potential benefits blag than you are about any kid being asked to keep secrets. Maybe a career with the Fraud Investigators at the DWP is your kinda thing

GloriaV · 08/04/2017 18:28

I would let it go as it's quite likely that someone else might report them and that the DCs will let slip to someone other than family.
I'm sure this happens a lot. As it means that you have a much better standard of living - that's life.