AIBU to think it is only superstrict school that has problem with our DS

[tinkerx5]

Our DS is a perfectly happy confident and sociable 7 year old. NEVER at any time have after school care, superb childminders or family and friends /grandparents he is left with - or ourselves think/indicated he is a problem in any way. DS is a confident and intelligent lad for his age...he has a wide vocabulary and interests, is advanced for his age in some school subjects, and has an accelerated reading and maths age. His school (a very strict Catholic results driven school) acknowledge this and he has accelerated maths and comprehension tuition at the school more suited to that level. The problem we think is with the school and not our DS ...DS has a mind and opinion of his own ...school teacher expects them (yes a class of 7-8 year olds) to work in silence every day - 1 hour in the morning and afternoon sessions -absolute silence. We know this because they told us our son had a problem during such sessions-fidgeting or completing work during these windows. He is kept in at break and lunch if he doesn't finish his work. Is it me or is this tough on a 7 y/o? DS does his homework at home without any issues. He also doesn't have tantrums, cross his arms in protest or get upset like he does at school, but of course is not expected to work in silence. He does work efficiently and quickly at home, if I ask him to help me at home with anything, he obliges and loves to get involved. AIBU that the school have turned around to say we should take DS to our GP for a referral? I really think they are attempting to force a sqaure peg into a round hole here. We have an older child that went to the same school and is now at university ...even they are shocked by the school's suggestion😯 and freely admit compared to their former school...this in was STRICT. The school is surrounded by very poor schools in our area. AIBU to dismiss the school concerns? If DS went to any of the surrounding schools here...trust me - they would think him an angel compared to many. We have to see the head nedt week...this is not over hitting, bullying or lashing out at other kids in any way...AIBU?

I teach 7 year olds in a Catholic school where there is an expectation of good behaviour from the children.

Firstly I can't imagine any lesson requiring children to work silently and independently for an hour. I can't think of a single thing that would engage children in silent work for an hour. That said, when the children are expected to work silently for a written part of a lesson (for 10-15 minutes) I expect them to be able to do just that. The only thing I can think of where an hour of silent could be expected is when there is testing going on.
And secondly, I second with the pp who said that no teacher/school is going to go to the trouble of drawing parents on themselves for mild behaviour- that will just be dealt with in school without any need for home cooperation.
A child who at 7 is having tantrums, crossing arms etc at 7 would be worrisome and I can understand why the school would feel the need to draw it to your attention.
It's really hard to hear things about our children that are difficult to hear, or when people are seeing a diff end side to our children than they are presenting at home, but I think you need to work on the assumption (until you know otherwise) that the school have the best interests of your son -and all the other children in his class- at heart when they are asking you to work with them to get to the bottom of what's happening in school. His behaviour is obviously disruptive, whatever the reason for it and you and the school need to work with him to find a solution.

Don't all schools have periods of silence? I went to a series of bog standard to shitty schools and we very often had to work in silence for an hour.

Are other kids struggling with this? Maybe you could chat to some other parents.

I don't think I ever noticed this being a problem, but I think I was one of the kids who liked to work in a quiet environment. And I'm now and introvert

Go with an open mind.

The descriptions we give of the children we teach rarely match the descriptions parents give. Not in a bad way. I have one little boy, for example, who is so quiet you can barely hear him. His parents say at home he never stops shouting. It's just that he fills a different niche at both places.

Your son may be like another little girl in our school. She is as bright as a button and loves to converse with adults, but sadly to the detriment of herself and the other children. She is driven by attention and praise and in a class of 26 children it just isn't possible to give her the level of attention she needs. It'd be lovely if we could but we can't. For example if I praise little Johnny, she's out of her chair and right under my nose showing me how clever she is. The strategies and intervention we use to help this child take up so much time and energy, but I can see how when she is on her own at home she'd be the perfect child. The saddest thing is the impact her behaviour has on her relationships with other children. The only friend she has is her little sister

From what you have said OP your ds sounds like a rude child and you are enabling it. I would be concerned that the GP referral is a box ticking procedure and that they are trying to "manage" him out.

they are trying to hammer a square peg into a round hole

You are aware that there is one teacher managing a class of up to 30 pupils? Do you expect the teacher to adapt the class to suit your ds' opinions and preferences? Rude, tantrummy pupils will not be warmly embraced in any school. I really don't mean that in a harsh way btw.

Oh and kids with ADHD can be highly intelligent and "nice" kids

They can be nice without the speech marks too

And they also have their own mind and opinions and struggle to keep them quiet

He sounds spoilt to me.

Everything r0tring said. You aren't doing your kid any favours by catering his every whim. Whether you like it or not, the ability to sit still, follow rules and work when required are part of life and you are setting him up to fail if you say/let him believe any differently.

As a secondary teacher I wish there was a lot more practice of working in silence at primary - year 7s seem to be shocked beyond belief when they are expected to complete work without talking

natwebb You said you would be bored rigid sitting working in quiet for an hour. That is what I talking about.

My ds has adhd and it was very hard getting a diagnosis. The behaviour has to be consistent across differing environments, this is why a questionnaire has to be completed by both the home carer and the school. If the school say he has behavioural issues and you say he is great then they will put.it down to a discipline issue rather than SEN.

And I'm not sure I agree that the school have gone to any trouble here. They have suggested to the op that she take her son to the gp. There has been no mention of how they have tried to help the child manage his behaviour. No mention of him being observed by the SENCO, Ed Psych or an Occupational Therapist. Just take him to the GP so you can find out if there's something they can diagnose then in 2 years or so if he ever gets any kind of diagnosis they might do something to help him (or more than likely not if it costs any money ime).
I would go to the school and listen to what they have to say. You aren't going change the ethos of the school if it is a very formal learning environment but they should be using strategies to help your son manage in that environment. He won't be the first 7 year old they have encountered that has trouble sitting in silence for 2 hours each day. Ask the SENCO what strategies they usually use to help children who struggle. Ask if an Ed Psych/OT could observe him and offer suggestions if they aren't able to manage. You will likely find that they aren't so keen to dig into their pockets for solutions as they are to point out problems though.

I am rather glad that natwebb hasn't taught any of my kids if she finds it boring to do something for an hour!

If you as a parent are not able to accept that this period of silent working is expected of them (and seems to be adhered to by other pupils) then perhaps he should go to one of the other schools that you consider to be poorer (but where your DS can do what he wants). As you say one size does not fit all - but it is DS not fitting the school's way which seems to fit his classmates.

Tell the school the GP has asked them to write a list of their concerns for you to take to the appointment.

Then take it and see what the GP says.

That will help you engage with the school better.

I don't think it's a case of sit silently at age 7 or 'do what you want'. The best schools do a lot of collaborative learning and there are big benefits to it in terms of social skills, confidence etc. 2 hrs of silent learning a day might mean that kids get good sats results but how much of that passive learning is staying in?

My DS sounds just exactly like yours, great kid all round. He also has ADHD and ODD.

The school very likely know what they are looking at, so I'd suggest you listen to them.

Passive learning? Reading, writing, doing maths is not passive learning.
Personally as a kid I always got bored by group exercises. They simply went over again what we had already learned.I still feel the same as an adult in most training courses - although there are exceptions.

I echo what cricketballs posted - I'm Secondary too and every cohort of S1 (Y7 equivalent in Scotland) seem to have a very loose interpretation of what quiet/silence means.

I'm sure they do have some practice of silent working in primary but it isn't always obvious when they come up to us depending on which primary they came up from

Why would getting absorbed in your work for an hour be boring? They aren't telling him to sit doing nothing for an hour - he will be reading or writing.
Groupwork is great for some kids, silent working is great for some kids. Schools therefore need to use a mix, so that everyone has time with their preferred learning style. Also, people need to learn to be able to get on with groupwork and silent work, whether they like them or not, as both are essential skills. I hated groupwork at school (I have very mild aspergers), but that doesn't mean that the school shouldn't have made me do it. How else was I going to develop my skills?? Likewise, a child who can't sit still needs practice at sitting still. I would say that a wriggly child actually needs MORE time practicing quiet work, in the same way that a child who struggles with maths needs more maths practice.
To the person who thinks quiet work stops children having opinions, you should come to my school (which does quiet work a lot of the time) and watch the under 10 debating group! They are taught that there is a time to express themselves.

Listen to the school. See what they have to say. Does your son sit at a table, or work alone at a desk. Children work better without distraction. Have you considered an educational psychologist?

Why would getting absorbed in your work for an hour be boring?

Some people can't get absorbed in their work for an hour, though, which is why an hour of silent working would be boring.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries:

Some people find hours of people talking boring - I know I do! There has to be a mix of activities, and an hour is long enough to get a solid piece of work done.

Op, how many others kids got the letter and the request for a GP refferal ? Because if it was standard behaviour for a seven year old you'd assume most of the class right? And yes, in that case it would be the school.

If it's just your son, then not it's not the school I'm sorry. These are professionals and you do your son no favours by pretending every child behaves as he does.

My DS didn't fair too well in juniors and he always hated the constant noise - he's now flying in senior school - Maybe because he can now focus on his work!

Kids can achieve a lot more if they can concentrate and it sounds like it works well for every other kid

Dd's private school was similar from 7 too. They had to work in silence when asked. Really good British schools have a certain discipline obesession. If it's not working for your ds then move schools

Some people find hours of people talking boring - I know I do! There has to be a mix of activities, and an hour is long enough to get a solid piece of work done.

I appreciate that completely :) everyone has different ideal environments for learning, and part of school is learning to respect others' learning styles and preferences. I was just saying why the hour of silence isn't always as simple as "getting absorbed in your work".

I know for me, the hour would either have been comprised of getting the work finished in the first ten minutes and spending the next fifty minutes annoying the shit out of everyone else, or not getting the work done at all because of being unable to concentrate. But it's swings and roundabouts because in the louder, more dynamic group work sessions, others would struggle to concentrate.