AIBU to think it is only superstrict school that has problem with our DS

[tinkerx5]

Our DS is a perfectly happy confident and sociable 7 year old. NEVER at any time have after school care, superb childminders or family and friends /grandparents he is left with - or ourselves think/indicated he is a problem in any way. DS is a confident and intelligent lad for his age...he has a wide vocabulary and interests, is advanced for his age in some school subjects, and has an accelerated reading and maths age. His school (a very strict Catholic results driven school) acknowledge this and he has accelerated maths and comprehension tuition at the school more suited to that level. The problem we think is with the school and not our DS ...DS has a mind and opinion of his own ...school teacher expects them (yes a class of 7-8 year olds) to work in silence every day - 1 hour in the morning and afternoon sessions -absolute silence. We know this because they told us our son had a problem during such sessions-fidgeting or completing work during these windows. He is kept in at break and lunch if he doesn't finish his work. Is it me or is this tough on a 7 y/o? DS does his homework at home without any issues. He also doesn't have tantrums, cross his arms in protest or get upset like he does at school, but of course is not expected to work in silence. He does work efficiently and quickly at home, if I ask him to help me at home with anything, he obliges and loves to get involved. AIBU that the school have turned around to say we should take DS to our GP for a referral? I really think they are attempting to force a sqaure peg into a round hole here. We have an older child that went to the same school and is now at university ...even they are shocked by the school's suggestion😯 and freely admit compared to their former school...this in was STRICT. The school is surrounded by very poor schools in our area. AIBU to dismiss the school concerns? If DS went to any of the surrounding schools here...trust me - they would think him an angel compared to many. We have to see the head nedt week...this is not over hitting, bullying or lashing out at other kids in any way...AIBU?

I don't really understand how else they'd work except in silence? Presumably if doing group work they talk, but for written work like maths or comprehension what noise does your DS expect to be able to make? Is it just the amount of time he finds difficult?

For a lot of children they need a quiet calm environment to work. That is something any school should be encouraging unless it's a group or other similar activity.

why send your child to a school that has a work ethos that doesn't fit with yours ?
If other children are expected to work in silence for an hour twice a day and do it then the expectation is they all can.
If your child cannot or in fact doesn't want to and you agree then find him a different school.

i assume if he's not quiet, he's disrupting the class

As the head of a independant school, this ability to work in silence and, as harshbuttrue said, is expected of children and leads to a calm and work-conducive environment is something I think that gives many indy-schooled children the edge. Our Year 1s can write in silence for 35 minutes and do so 4 days a week.

Some posters said they couldn't work for an hour in silence at nearly 37 or that their 8 year old learns through drama and play - well, make of that what you will but you get what you pay for and this includes education. I don't want this to sound like a personal attack but if you told and interviewer that you can't work for an hour straight, what chances do you think you have of getting the job?

OP

You sound like you will not see fault in your child, for better for worse, you aren't a good fit with the school. Another key aspect in a school's success is the support from parents to teachers and vice versa. If parents are determined that their little Johnny could do no wrong, it's a real pain in the arse and Johnny is the biggest loser.

I wish my sons school would have a quiet hour each morning and afternoon as he says his class is so noisy (and has complained to his teacher he finds it hard to concentrate) that the teachers solution is he works in the corridor if it gets too noisy

The school is shit though and hes moving very soon.

I think if you don't like the way the school is teaching your child you should send him to another school nearby - you say there are plenty.

Sounds very strict and I know that my eldest ds wouldn't have stood a chance - he's never been able to sit quietly or still, but I used to be put in the corner for talking at primary - my school was very strict also - we weren't allowed to chatter over lunch in the dining room either ... my ds is now 17 and is much better and is in an apprenticeship but still finds it hard to concentrate on written work without chatter/fidgeting.

UABU, I would listen to their advice and go to the meeting next week with a very open mind.

I would imagine, for the people querying the recommendation of a GP visit, that the school isn't about to suggest it's a simple case of "spirited" and being 7 going on.

I wonder if there have been complaints from other parents?

r0tring agree completely, there's no way I'd hire someone who couldn't sit still/quietly for 1 hour.

OP sounds like you've already decided it's the schools fault. Do any of the other parents share your concerns or is it just your super bright kid who can't manage the rules?

The "good" schools tend to have high expectations of behaviour and achievements. This one sounds strict but then again I guess the other parents are happy with the school?

Maybe the school and your DS are just not a good mix, good as the school is, bright as your DS is.

A whole hour of silence sounds excessive by the standards of many schools today, but the school isn't going to change a winning formula just because it doesn't suit a small number of children. I kind of remember a similar (if not stricter) regime in my own highly regarded Catholic school many moons ago. We got used to it. We achieved good results.

I think I would work on encouraging your DS to abide by the rules. Unless you can find another school that you like.

And their suggestion that you consult the GP will not have been made lightly. What sort of tantrums is he having?

I work in a class of year 2s. An hour of silence would be bliss but ambitious. We encourage very quiet work but for around 30 mins whilst practising handwriting for instance. Children that fail to complete their work due to lack of concentration do have to stay in at break time to finish it. If they don't finish but have tried hard, they don't. I would say it would be unlikely that a school would push for a referral without good grounds. Keep an open mind and listen to what they have to say before you go any further.

OP, the school are trying to help him by suggesting a referral via your GP.

Embrace this with open arms because IF your son does have any difficulties, they will be highlighted via assessments and helpful strategies will be put into place by the school to enable him to make the best of his education.

Please, see this for what it is, school have seen that your son behaves in a very different manner to his classmates and are telling you firstly that they see a problem and secondly offering you a solution and a way to work together to help him.

I am shocked at the 37 year old who says they can not work in silence for an hour.
I think an hour of working in silence for a bright 7 year old, should not be a problem.

I would take your ds for the gp an ask for a referral. I doubt that he has any behavioural issue if the issues really are only occurring in the school environment though.
I would also ask for a meting with the SENCO to ask what the school are planning to put in place to help your son now they have identified he struggles with sitting still/quietly. Just suggesting a referral really isn't enough. They have identified there is a problem now so they need to be addressing it now. Movement breaks and maybe some kind of aid so he can move around whilst sitting without causing disruption might help.

YANBU to think that. He's 7.
Most 7 year olds in the world have only just started school a year ago, let alone being forced to sit still for an hour!
Sounds absolutely dreadful for a 7 year old boy, poor kid.

I would call first thing next week and request to see head as soon as possible to preempt things.
Keep an open mind and let them speak first because you don't know what they are going to say, and it may be something you're unaware of until now.
But also get ready:
prepare to question about their apparent 'one size fits all, lets worry about our stats rather than the individual child' mentality.
There are so many ways of educating a child, and this sounds rather old fashioned to me. Ask the head what other methods they use for teaching rather than this, e.g. kinaesthetic. and ask for a breakdown of how much time is dedicated to the antiquated approach rather than more modern approach. Question what she thinks is the relevance of the victorian approach in modern times, and so on. Ask if she is taking a short-term approach to getting results rather than putting real effort into livening up their teaching. Is this for SATS?

Also point out that they have a duty of care and that what they are doing is making him unhappy.

Sorry, this is all a bit much, but if your concerns are proved correct, then sometimes they need those uncomfortable questions put to them, and it certainly does no harm to ask the questions if you have your doubts. It also might provoke some thoughts for the head, and she might make some changes in time, you never know.

mactavish In plenty of places where 7 year olds have only started school, they will be very used to sitting in silence at churches or other places of worship.

In the UK, "most" kids will have been at school since the age of four. It still leaves the question of why he appears to be the only child with a problem unanswered.

DD is in year 2 and they are expected to be silent for hour long periods when writing or working through sums. DD enjoys the time to concentrate. I can't imagine trying to learn in a constantly noisy classroom.

I think you should go in with an open mind.

Go into school and listen to what the teacher has to say, it may well be more than just not sitting quietly for an hour......

At 7/8 I don't think it's unreasonable to expect them to be able to sit quietly and sensibly for a couple of hours within a school day to work hard. They're there for a good 6 hours a day so there's obviously plenty of other time for talking and interacting and learning through drama/play. And even if my child found it hard I certainly wouldn't expect them to tantrum about it.

There are many lovely children whose behaviour presents no problem at all to carers, because they aren't in the communal environment of school, where the needs of other learners need to be taken into account.

He seems to be having some trouble with what is demanded of him at school, and in comparison with other children.

Talk to the school.

Have you asked your DS about it? He may have an issue at school you are unaware of.

Is he new to the school? Being able to sit in silence is also partly to do with "training" I think. In some countries in Europe this would have been expected at a younger age, for example, and the children are more compliant and selfdisciplined. There are probably pros and cons of expecting a 7 year old to sit in silence for an hour if they are doing something they are engaged in. I went to a very relaxed primary but I can remember sitting in silence doing creative writing at that age for an hour. i agree that the punishment in relation to breaktime doesn't sound good. If you spoke to the SENCO would they be able to negotiate a change in relation to the punishment? It might be that if you tell your ds firmly that he has to sit in silence for an hour and that is that, and practice with him at home, he might be able to do it, and you could discuss with the school the fact that you would like to try other things before asking the doctor for a referral.

But it does sound as though you aren't happy with quite a lot and the school won't change so perhaps it is time to look elsewhere, or accept the school and its requirements. Children do behave differently in different environments. It depends what is best for ds on balance.

Things have changed since your other dc was at primary, probably, in terms of when a teacher will start to think of referrals.

Having said that, I think staying in at breaktime, for 7 year olds, is a terrible idea