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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to think it is only superstrict school that has problem with our DS

135 replies

tinkerx5 · 07/04/2017 13:25

Our DS is a perfectly happy confident and sociable 7 year old. NEVER at any time have after school care, superb childminders or family and friends /grandparents he is left with - or ourselves think/indicated he is a problem in any way. DS is a confident and intelligent lad for his age...he has a wide vocabulary and interests, is advanced for his age in some school subjects, and has an accelerated reading and maths age. His school (a very strict Catholic results driven school) acknowledge this and he has accelerated maths and comprehension tuition at the school more suited to that level. The problem we think is with the school and not our DS ...DS has a mind and opinion of his own ...school teacher expects them (yes a class of 7-8 year olds) to work in silence every day - 1 hour in the morning and afternoon sessions -absolute silence. We know this because they told us our son had a problem during such sessions-fidgeting or completing work during these windows. He is kept in at break and lunch if he doesn't finish his work. Is it me or is this tough on a 7 y/o? DS does his homework at home without any issues. He also doesn't have tantrums, cross his arms in protest or get upset like he does at school, but of course is not expected to work in silence. He does work efficiently and quickly at home, if I ask him to help me at home with anything, he obliges and loves to get involved. AIBU that the school have turned around to say we should take DS to our GP for a referral? I really think they are attempting to force a sqaure peg into a round hole here. We have an older child that went to the same school and is now at university ...even they are shocked by the school's suggestion😯 and freely admit compared to their former school...this in was STRICT. The school is surrounded by very poor schools in our area. AIBU to dismiss the school concerns? If DS went to any of the surrounding schools here...trust me - they would think him an angel compared to many. We have to see the head nedt week...this is not over hitting, bullying or lashing out at other kids in any way...AIBU?

OP posts:

BearHunting · 07/04/2017 15:30

I think you'd be best going to the meeting and listening to what the school have to say with an open mind.

It may be the school.... but, if that's the only reason, why aren't the school having similar problems with many of the other pupils? Or are lots of your DS's classmates also struggling at these times?

I'd also second the point a pp made about children behaving differently in different environments. Sometimes problems are less apparent at home because parents have adapted their parenting around their DC's needs, in a way that's not possible at school when there's 30 kids in a class.
But even if school do push you to refer your DS to the GP, no one's going to be diagnosing him with anything simply on school's say so.

Scabetty · 07/04/2017 15:36

Quite normal for 7 yo to work without chatting. Does your ds crave adult attention when doing work which should be independent? Some children need constant praise and ecouragement and sadly in a class if 30+ thus isn't possible.

Scabetty · 07/04/2017 15:38

my typos?? Phone's fault.

LightDrizzle · 07/04/2017 15:52

Another vote for an open mind and thinking about why the class and head teacher would put themselves through the ball-ache of flagging, recording and scheduling meetings about a child who was only occasionally mildly over-chatty? I worked in education and I'd far rather have been ploughing on with my lesson planning or assessment for learning than inventing work for myself and navigating sensitive issues with parents.

natwebb79 · 07/04/2017 16:04

Oh I CAN work in silence for an hour. I'm pretty much bored shitless though so a 7 year old boy probably isn't at an ideal stafe of his development for that kind of learning environment. As a teacher of secondary aged children the only time I expect my pupils to work in silence for an hour is for a test or exam. It really isn't the best way to keep children engaged in learning. It's all a bit Victorian.

TrickyD · 07/04/2017 16:05

What do you hope to be the outcome of your meeting with the Head?
It's unlikely that the 'silence' time will be abandoned just because it doesn't suit your DS. The other option is to move him to one of those other schools of which you have a low opinion.

As others have said, it's hard to understand why he cannot complete his work in this allotted time. Why should other children who get on happily with their tasks under the current system have to put up with your child chatting to and distracting them?

NotYoda · 07/04/2017 16:05

LightDrizzle

Good point

Dragongirl10 · 07/04/2017 16:06

This attitude is why we are so far down the list of attainment compared to many other countries.

There are times to play, times to do sport, times to be creative ie drama, art etc and times to sit quietly and learn/work... why on earth would a 7 yr old not be expected to be able to do this?

Do you not expect him to sit in silence in Church/at Christenings/Weddings/ in Restaurants with a book/activity sometimes?

natwebb79 · 07/04/2017 16:09

The head of the independent school who said that the ability to work in silence for long stretches of time as young children gives 'indy children' the edge is talking tosh. We currently have a fair few state educated pupils at my school who have been accepted into Oxbridge/Russell Group universities to study traditionally competitive subjects so your snobbery can piss off. Apologies for being crass but that really did grate.

brasty · 07/04/2017 16:10

natwebb I totally disagree with you. Reading something engaging, writing, doing something you care about, for an hour in silence, is anything but boring. By really concentrating on something, you can get absorbed in it and achieve flow.

harderandharder2breathe · 07/04/2017 16:10

Well you chose a super strict academic focused school. Yabu if you didn't actually want that.

natwebb79 · 07/04/2017 16:12

Dragongirl - My Finnish colleague would disagree. She despairs at how rigid our curriculum is for children so young. Finland doesn't do too badly in the dreaded league tables.

Trifleorbust · 07/04/2017 16:13

It's all a bit Victorian.

Is this not a slight overstatement? A bit Victorian, to expect a child to sit in silence for up to one hour, because that is how others can learn and think and reflect? I understand that it is a relatively traditional method, but in my view many more modern methods (working exclusively in groups, constant attempts to make learning 'relevant' in ways that lower expectations, focusing far more on engagement than skill or knowledge acquisition) are disastrous in the classroom. Newer isn't always better.

natwebb79 · 07/04/2017 16:15

Yes brasty but you're not a 7 year old boy. They tend to be wriggly by nature and have a fair few years to master sitting in silence for an hour at a time.

natwebb79 · 07/04/2017 16:17

Trifle- I agree there needs to be a balance, but an hour really does feel like a week to some young children. Flexibility wouldn't go amiss.

Sciurus83 · 07/04/2017 16:19

With the best will in the world, you chose the school knowing what it was. If you think DS would thrive in a different environment then change.

Trifleorbust · 07/04/2017 16:20

Finland doesn't do too badly in the dreaded league tables

My understanding is that the Finnish system is being reformed in favour of more progressive methods still.

But it is also that Finland is a small, sparsely populated, culturally homogenous (compared to the UK) country, where attitudes to education and its importance are quite conservative. They don't have the same issues to overcome, so they are able to be more relaxed in their approach. The same techniques might well not work here.

CalonGoch · 07/04/2017 16:21

As the head of a independant school, this ability to work in silence and, as harshbuttrue said, is expected of children and leads to a calm and work-conducive environment is something I think that gives many indy-schooled children the edge. Our Year 1s can write in silence for 35 minutes and do so 4 days a week.

This opening statement isn't exactly a glowing endorsement of 'indy-schooling', especially coming from the head teacher.

Trifleorbust · 07/04/2017 16:22

natwebb:

It is a learning curve, I don't disagree. But it is a worthwhile one. Other children really do deserve the time and mental space to focus on their work, and it isn't for the whole day at all.

MissAdaSmith · 07/04/2017 16:27

Sorry, but you lost me at If DS went to any of the surrounding schools here...trust me - they would think him an angel compared to many.

so basically, poor areas equals poor behaviour in school. You sound like utterly biased and judgemental.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2017 16:34

If he'd be an angel elsewhere, perhaps that's where he should be.

CountessYgritte · 07/04/2017 16:36

I could comment endlessly on this but I will say that my diagnosed child would have struggled horrendously in a noisy classroom. Their secondary has a "buzzy" feel apparently. I'd have them all working in silence because my kid finds it so distracting but anyway....

The school don't think he fits their model.

You don't think the school is right.

Your kid sounds pretty NT to me given the info but who am I to judge.

The problem is that there is not a suitable alternative and you don't want to move him. Being at loggerheads with a school is horrendous for a child so you need to be seen to work with them. I don't see how he can be so advanced when he is completing the work? Is it too much? Too hard? Or he really can't tolerate sitting still?

You could try a lesson break in the middle of the session. He gets to walk once round the school and come back.

He could use a fiddle toy.
Is he calling out or making noises? Or is it just his movements?

Even if you get referred to camhs he won't be seen for months and more than likely they will knock the referral back if they think it isn't significant. You aren't going to go to the GP and be handed a label. And if you go to the GP he will prob agree with you if this is all true and then you can tell the school.

But that isn't your problem. The school is your problem and they clearly see you as one.

By the way saying your kid has a mind of their own and opinions is inflammatory. All kids do. Some just know when to rein them in.

WeAllHaveWings · 07/04/2017 16:37

Your ds had a problem during such sessions-fidgeting or completing work during these windows

This doesn't tell you much, it doesn't even tell you if he is disrupting other dc, or if he is being quiet but not working. You need to go in calmly and listen to why, out of the blue, they think speaking to a GP is necessary.

Once you have the facts then you can decide with the school what the next steps are. You cannot expect the school to change their teaching methods for you/your ds and your decision might need to be to move schools.

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 07/04/2017 16:38

I think if the school are recommending a GP appointment, it might be worth booking one and seeing what they say?

I couldn't sit in silence and work on one thing for an hour now, never mind at the age of seven, but I can appreciate (now) that my peers deserved to be able to work in silence.

From the way you've described him, it sounds like he'll have to hear "Just because you can get good grades without focusing, doesn't mean everyone else can, so sit down and shut up". and a doctor could refer him for an ADHD assessment, so that he can be appropriately supported.

CountessYgritte · 07/04/2017 16:40

Oh and kids with ADHD can be highly intelligent and "nice" kids. And they also have their own mind and opinions and struggle to keep them quiet

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