AIBU to do controlled crying

[BergamotMouse]

I consider myself quite a 'gentle parent'. Controlled crying is something I said I wouldn't do as I don't want my daughter to learn that I don't respond to her cries but I feel like I'm on my knees.

DD is 8 months. Got through the 4 month sleep regression and was on about 2/3 wake ups. I breastfeed her back to sleep every time. For the past month or so she's been waking much more, could be every hour, she can be awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night and I no longer get an evening as keep trying to get her down until I give up and go to bed with her.

I'm just so tired. Will this pass soon or is my only option sleep training? Is there a gentler way?

Co sleeping is very safe at this age so it might work for you. Did for us as I also hated the idea of leaving a baby to cry. Just do what works for you.

He cried so I picked him up and cuddled him, slightly rocking him. Once he stopped crying, I put him back in his cot and let his room. I did this 10 times before he eventually fell asleep. It took 20 mins then 10 mins etc. It took 3 weeks !!! It's so tiring and frustrating picking and putting him down. But it's much kinder to him.

a.) the only difference between what you did and CC is to pick your baby up. Apart from that, you did a form of CC.
b.) how can it be kinder than CC? Your baby cried loads for 3 weeks. CC usually means 2 or 3 nights of crying, not weeks!!

Yep, CC for us was wait and listen for perhaps 30 seconds - minute. Leave baby in cot (no picking up) go into them shush and stroke them till they settled ... and repeat as necessary. Only the very odd night didn't work. I found it a fast and effective method. Both went to bed and slept a treat and even when toddlers when I wanted them to sleep with me when dad was away they always preferred sleeping in their own beds!

*At 3 days you were tired and needed left alone? Thats appalling.

We have managed 10 years*

Your child doesn't sleep through at TEN years?!

So what if your baby doesnt stop crying or settles through patting and shushing?
Genuine question. My son wants to be helr and cuddled.

Held *

For those who have, what's the longest it has taken.

Eldest was two nights. First night fifteen minutes, next night five. Sorted.

Youngest is 11 months and we've tried but does not seem to work. Eg half hour yell, sleep but then awake half an hour later. I know he shouldn't be hungry but can't help thinking he is as when feed settles well.

GuinessPunch/

I'm not sure I quite understand what you mean by 'so what'.

I'm not sure where I stand on controlled crying. I think it completely depends on the baby, the parents and the situation.

For example, if your baby is waking will go back to sleep with a quick cuddle, sleeping in your bed or being given a comforter. I'd say just do that.

If they're awake for hours during the night inconsolable and nobody is getting any sleep including the baby, well I'd say that was pretty bad for their development too.

Controlled crying wouldn't have worked with my youngest.

When people come on here and saying to an exhausted mother controlled crying is barbaric and so on, well where do they all stand on sending your child to nursery and they cry when you leave them? What do you do when you need the toilet and your baby cries because you've put them down?

I've seen threads on here where mums have been slated for bottle feeding or doing cc. Then on another thread the person slating them is suing how she went back to work full time when her baby was two weeks old and left them with the nanny.

Makes me want to laugh out loud.

I'd suggest mothers trust their own judgement. A little cry probably won't harm a baby, obviously don't let them get themselves into a state or leave them for ages.

Just for balance. I did it with DD. It worked (kind of, for a while) I have always regretted it. Those are my unhappiest baby memories actually. Didn't do it with DS. He got there in the end. For me, it just isn't instinctive/natural/comfortable.

Ladies I work parallel with clients/mummies everyday who are sleep-deprived and it the vicious cycle of exhaustion, I'm also a mum but as a professional and as a mum having a good sleepful night is important for parents and child's wellbeing, relationships, appetites it goes on.

Controlled crying if used the right way and is very controlled, and not how you read it on google but by keeping the timings set for each night but giving the reassurance on the in room timings is very affective. But like everything there is a right way. Katie-Jane x

guiness my DD wanted to be held and wouldn't nod by shushing and patting. We would cuddle and rock her to sleep until one day she just got the hang of self settling without crying.
Now she's 14 months and has been unsettled at night for the first time really having previously been a brilliant sleeper. Having just started nursery she's almost always ill or teething and is adapting to a big change so I may well give her a while longer before weaning her off night feeds and cuddles. I will consider using controlled crying.

I think Guinness means what do you do if they aren't comforted by patting and shushing? Rather than 'so what!'

Which is kind of my position. My dc aren't comforted by that either so we can't start off cc with a calm child who grizzles a bit. We start with hysteria and distress and things just get worse.

Our sleep consultant told us it's really common for the dc to vomit and choke and often wee and poo on the bed. This probably is because by the time she get called people really are desperate (£400 isn't cheap) and have tried a version of cc themselves. So all the cases will be the extreme ones. But she assured us we should push thru it as it is still fairly normal and it's just the dc trying everything to get their way.

However, we just couldn't do it with ds2 (2.2) as we felt he still didn't understand what was happening. Ds1 (4) was just too difficult for other reasons.

MrsKoala:

Oh I see

I think if holding and cuddling is the only thing that works, you have to do that. But if controlled crying works, do that. A good night's sleep for you and your babies is beyond price

Controlled crying should not be implemented under approx 3mths of age taking into account full term and at a current good weight. There are methods to use on a baby from 2 weeks to 3 mths but controlled crying is 3 mths plus x

We used controlled crying with both DDs before I went back to work at 6 months. Worked really quickly (within a couple of days) both times.

YANBU if lack of sleep is really affecting you. I think I will have to do something similar with dd2. She is 5.5 months. I'm going to wait another month. I don't believe these kind of sleep issues just sort themselves out. I know people whose 5 year olds still don't sleep through. Btw can anyone advise on dummies? If I'm trying to teach my dd to self settle , do I need to ditch the dummy? I believe this is part of her problem.

badger I think it depends a bit on if the dummy makes the situation better or worse (sorry to state the obvious!). For our DD the dummy is a huge help and she doesn't wake up when it falls out. I really don't mind her having it for naps and overnight and much prefer it to when we needed to rock her to sleep every night.

I found the dummy a double edged sword. Switched them off like a light....but then they may not fall into deep deep sleep cos they're sucking away forever in a restless doze.

I found I had to learn how to pull it out using method above, just when they were falling asleep. Then they had more of a chance of going into deep sleep.

But it's still the most useful tool after a boob you can have.

CC is such an emotive subject and you will always get such opposing opinions, I think you have to do what is right for you and your child.

I have twins, the one has always slept like a dream and when he is upset in the night, we can go to him, give him a cuddle and pop him back down and he is back to sleep.

His brother is totally different. He has never slept easily and we have tried everything, patting to sleep, sitting in the room quietly, going back every time he cries saying nothing....none of it worked and it seemed all we were doing was waking him up more and distracting him from his sleep.

In the end we did CC, it was awful at first, I stood outside his bedroom door crying myself, it went against everything I felt as a mum wanting to comfort him. We have camera monitors so I was able to watch him the whole time and make sure he was ok but we didn't go to him. I'd say it went on for nearly an hour, but he did fall asleep and when he woke in the morning he was is usual happy self.

The next night we did it again and eventually he hardly cried at all.

Now, he goes to bed most nights quietly and happily, he sleeps through and is happy in the mornings.

It was horrible but I truly believe that letting him cry was the best thing I could do for him. Also, you know your babies cry, if it's wingey and moany, you can leave them...if it's genuine upset that needs dealing with, you make a judgement and go to them.

8 months might be a little young, we started about 12 months.

"If you do nothing to help them sleep through, they will not do it naturally till between 2 and 3 years old. And they will be tired grumpy toddlers from lack of sleep. "

Nonsense. I'm with BottomleyPotts. We didn't use any kind of sleep training and our children were not grumpy and had no problem 'learning' to sleep. It's ridiculous to suggest that all children need to be trained to sleep through. They do it when their ready hit some parents may try to move this forward a bit for their own reasons. Fair enough but I personally wouldn't use CC - definitely not on a baby. I think using it on toddlers who have more of an understanding of where you are - "mummy is just going to have a shower/make a cup of tea" etc is different but it still wouldn't be for me.

I have to say I did it with my lg at around that age - I would breastfeed her to sleep and go to put her down. She'd wake up instantly, I'd breastfeed her back off and she'd wake up the instant I went to put her down.
For my sanity and her safety I did controlled crying. I left her for a minute after giving kisses and telling her I loved her. I left for a minute, then went back in. Kisses, love, left.
The first night it took 40 minutes to get her to sleep. The next night was 5 minutes. The 3rd night was no crying, big smiles and straight to sleep.
I don't recommend it to everyone but I think that if you are getting no sleep at all, and baby is getting no sleep, then give it a try xx

Sorry trifle I shouldn't have started a sentence with so! I just meant what if you had a baby like mine or mrs koala.
You couldn't shush and pat them as they would scream as soon as you attempt to lie them down!

To go from feeding to sleep to controlled crying is a big leap. As a sleep consultant I would advise changing the feeding to sleep first before starting controlled crying.

No one ever has to leave their baby to cry if they don't want to. It will take longer, a lot longer, but there are gentle techniques you can try.

I often see gentle sleep advocates becoming so sleep deprived they'll try anything, even if it's against their parenting style. There is a place for pausing and listening to what your baby really needs through the communication of crying. That's being responsive not leaving your child to cry.

Oh and the 'no cry sleep solution' is nice in theory but in practice not likely.

Chireal Shallow's The Gentle Sleep Solution or Sarah Ockwell-Smith's The Gentle Sleep Book are much better and more realistic.