AIBU to do controlled crying

[BergamotMouse]

I consider myself quite a 'gentle parent'. Controlled crying is something I said I wouldn't do as I don't want my daughter to learn that I don't respond to her cries but I feel like I'm on my knees.

DD is 8 months. Got through the 4 month sleep regression and was on about 2/3 wake ups. I breastfeed her back to sleep every time. For the past month or so she's been waking much more, could be every hour, she can be awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night and I no longer get an evening as keep trying to get her down until I give up and go to bed with her.

I'm just so tired. Will this pass soon or is my only option sleep training? Is there a gentler way?

I read a book called the no cry sleep solution, it was gentle and as the title says doesn't involve crying, might be worth a try.

CC is bad enough on a child anyway regardless of age but to subject a 3 day old newborn to cc is just awful. That is just dreadful and so upsetting to hear

Have you read The no cry sleep solution, by Elizabeth Pantly? It's for breast feeding, " gentle " patents
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The problem with the 'no cry sleep solution' is it starts with the premis that your baby isn't crying when they are in their cot and you are present and touching them. So you work on a gentle gradual retreat.

But mine were hysterical and vomiting on the stairs to the bedroom and as I approached the cot. There really is no non crying way to go in that case.

CC is bad enough on a child anyway regardless of age but to subject a 3 day old newborn to cc is just awful. That is just dreadful and so upsetting to hear

Tiredness and disturbed sleep was affecting my mental health. She was waking my elder child. I did CC with DD2 aged about 2 and it took 3 nights. Bar anything health related she has slept through ever since (now 5), but was much older than your DC.

I'll look into getting the no cry sleep solution, can anyone give me the gist so I can see if I think it will work. She's not very happy at being put in the cot awake and will cry before she hits the mattress so a shush pat technique might not work without tears.

I just don't feel like I can even get through another night. I was questioning whether I was safe to drive today as my head was spinning and it took all I had to keep my mind on the road.

I'm not going into it lightly. It really breaks my heart that I'm even considering it. I don't feel like I'm being a very good mum to her when I'm this tired.

I'm the gentlest (softy) parent you would ever come across. With ds2, I have done a 'light' version of this. Not feeding before sleep, putting him down safely in his cot, and talking a little bit / or singing, then leaving the room (can't remember when this started - I think when I went back to work). I let him fuss / whimper a bit and went and sat downstairs and relaxed a bit (which it sounds you need) but if the crying got really dramatic / heartfelt, dp would go in or I would go back. Normally I wouldn't let crying go on for more than a couple of minutes, but it would normally subside quickly - he shares a room with his 5 year old brother, so knew he was not 'alone'. Now the crying stops quickly and I don't feel desperate. He sleeps 8.30 -
8am 90% of the time. Those who are jumping on you are not realising what 'on your knees' actually means. It means you need time out, and you are not going to kill him by letting him cry a little. Your mental health is important too. I theorise that those who are too quick to respond to every whimper and telling babies they can't cope without the parent being there to 'solve' the problem of sleep. It's a thin line, but hope you find a middle ground, op.

I should say - not feeding to sleep - obvioulsy he his fed and well hydrated before I put him down!

Always unreasonable to do this to a child! Still shocked how many times this comes up on here. Just show your child some love ffs. They will be 6 before you know it!

I did it with my 9 month old under the guidance of a Sleep Consultant because I was at breaking point. I had a lot of sleep related issues with my DS and I just didn't know what to do. I was getting about four hours of broken sleep in a 24 hour period, I was on the brink of collapse, me and my husband were arguing all the time, my health was suffering and so was my relationship with my baby because I stopped enjoying him and felt angry and resentful towards him most of the time.

By following the Sleep Consultant's routines and implementing her plan my DS was sleeping through from 8-6am and having two naps a day of 1.5 hours each within 4 days.

As a result of the training he was getting about 5 more hours sleep himself in a 24 hour period than he'd previously been having and that made a huge positive difference to him. Babies need their sleep just as much as we do.

Doing CC saved me. It saved my physical and emotional health, it saved my marriage and it saved my relationship with my son.

There is another developmental growth spurt at 8-9 mths. It's worth getting through that first before you look at changing things. All 3 of my dc have been v high needs so personally I wouldn't, but otherwise go for it

I'm afraid I've never bought in to the whole 'CC just teaches your baby that nobody will come' argument trotted out by people that don't agree with it, including Sarah Ockwell Smith. If it taught my DD anything, it was just that if she woke in the night, nothing was actually wrong and she was perfectly capable of putting herself back to sleep. If anything has been genuinely wrong, e.g. Illness, a wet bed, a noise from outside that has spooked her, she cries! And you've guessed it, I go!

Hi,
I had very much the mindset of you with CC. I thought it was barbaric, why would I let my child cry?
My son has been such a poor sleeper since birth not sleeping for longer then 40 minutes at night. He is now 8 months old and was getting no better. He needed me to cuddle him back to sleep, quite often waking when he was put down. So co sleeping became our norm... with DS sleeping 40 minutes waking and settling quicker. DH and I sleeping poorly. Everyone was telling me we needed to do CC. I kept shutting them down saying it wasn't the way I wanted to parent.
After a few horrendous nights and having tried every other option of settling him we decided to use CC method. However starting at low times 2mins, 4mins 8mins 15mins and never leaving him for longer then 15. The first night it took nearly 2 hours to settle. 2nd night under 10 minutes. 3rd night he settled without me having to get up at all. Last night my son slept 7-6! This is the first time he has ever done this.
It worked for us, but there was nothing else for us to try. We were getting less then 2 hrs sleep a night. Our agreement was we would try for a week and if he didn't improve we would stop. He improved on the 2nd day.
Do what you feel is right for you and your baby. It's the hardest thing I have ever done. I say outside his room and cried with him. However we are all happier with him sleeping

This is something I would never consider. We breastfeed and co sleep. It's cruel in my opinion.

Before I had a baby, I swore I'd never do this. But DS was a very "independent" baby, always wanting to get out of arms, wanting to explore instead of being snuggled (he's much more snuggly now as a toddler). We wanted to co-sleep until 1 year until we realized we were keeping him up -- and we did end up doing CC. He is such a happy toddler everyone comments on it, he goes to sleep with no tears 95% of the time now, even asking to go to bed or start our bedtime routine. I'm pretty sure we didn't traumatize him.

Controlled crying was the best thing I ever did. They really didn't even cry that much and sleep so much more now (just done for 3.5 month old twins, also done for other two singletons). When you weigh up draw backs from crying versus benefits from sleep it's a no brainer. We used Sleep Sense. Good luck whatever you decide.

Do it. It worked in two nights for my son who was unbearable. I could not have continued mentally as was. He still loves me deeply.

We did it at around this age and it worked really well. Both then would self settle at night and happily for naps in the day. Went from being fed to sleep to self settling. You need to decide what is best for you as this is a very emotive subject

Co sleeping, feeding to sleep, rocking to sleep are likely to result in poor sleep habits, babies that cannot settle themselves to sleep and sleep deprived parents who do not have the energy to enjoy their baby.

At some point babies have to learn to get to sleep by themselves, independently in their own bed or cot. Babies who have not learned to self settle are more likely to wake in the night, have broken sleep and have poor daytime naps. Very few will just suddenly get this and start sleeping through without parental involvement or encouragement. Whether this intervention happens at 8 months old or 3 years old is up to you but the reality is that it is unlikely to ever just resolve itself.

So just consider OP how you this situation might be in a few months or in a year by carrying on as you are. Is it likely to improve all by itself? Can your health and relationship cope? If you are worried about your ability to function and drive safely then I think it's actually dangerous to continue as you are.

As Marceline said there is not a single high quality study that indicates that it results in any long term harm whatsoever. In fact, the high quality evidence is to the contrary and says that it has no long term impact on the child. I am also a healthcare professional who assesses this kind of evidence for a living. All of the online 'blogs' that state a host of reasons not to do cc quote 1 study which was not particularly well designed and a host of other reasons why the author themself is not comfortable with it.

There are also countless studies that assess the long term effects of sleep deprivation on children's brain development and strong links with obesity not to mention the negative effects of sleep deprivation on parents.

On a personal level, I know families for and against it - all children both families have raised are happy and healthy with no developmental or attachment issues.

Go with your instinct and what is right for your family - people on here are unnecessarily harsh and judgemental about it. Fine if they can't handle it but someone who goes down that route is not damaging their baby (and I say this as someone who hasn't got the heart to do it at the moment)

No I never did and ds2 didn't sleep for more than 2/3hrs until 18mths. Later found out he had undiagnosed cows milk allergy - I'd have felt awful if I'd have left him crying thinking he could have been in pain. Plus I can't bear sound of babies crying for ages. It's up to you, many do it. I don't think it's cruel as such just not something I did.

I'll say what I always say on these threads: it's not cruel to want to get some sleep, and it's not cruel to gently teach your baby how to get to sleep by themselves. A bit of crying is preferable to a mother being referred to her local mental health team with suspected PND (which happened to me. Once we got a sleep consultant in and DD started sleeping through, my mental health improved dramatically. Funny, that).

I understand what pink is saying, I had to do similar in a way as I had twins, so I started by settling one, the other one cried, so I went from one to the other every 30sec, pointless. At one point I decided to finish getting one to sleep before switching to the other one, so settled DT1 in 1-2min, durong which DT2 was crying...and fell asleep on his own.
They weren't 3 days old, maybe 1-2mo, basically the first time I was on my own to put them to bed. I would be surprised to be the only twin mum to have experienced this.

There is an 8 months sleep regression so I imagine it's just a phase. Have you read the gentle sleep book? There are other gentler options in there if you feel you need sleep controls that are not as harsh as CC