AIBU to do controlled crying

[BergamotMouse]

I consider myself quite a 'gentle parent'. Controlled crying is something I said I wouldn't do as I don't want my daughter to learn that I don't respond to her cries but I feel like I'm on my knees.

DD is 8 months. Got through the 4 month sleep regression and was on about 2/3 wake ups. I breastfeed her back to sleep every time. For the past month or so she's been waking much more, could be every hour, she can be awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night and I no longer get an evening as keep trying to get her down until I give up and go to bed with her.

I'm just so tired. Will this pass soon or is my only option sleep training? Is there a gentler way?

Pretty sure you said you're feeding him to sleep. I'd say you don't need to do controlled crying, you need to stop feeding him back to sleep, that's why he's waking.

Put him down awake. There will be some crying. You can support him through it/do gradual retreat etc.

I considered my self a 'gentle parent' too. But being sleep deprived meant I started be bad tempered and felt like a zombie half the time. Sleep training saved my sanity AND it helped my baby sleep better. Sleep training was hard but after a few days my DS slept better and so did I! We were both a lot happier. Surely a long uninterupted sleep for my son is better than a broken nights sleep? Sleep is so important for their development, so aiding a child to have a proper nights sleep is doing them a favour. That's my opinion, but feel what is right for you and your kiddie.

If cc (or even cry it out) resulted in developmental problems and attachment disorder in otherwise loved babies then everyone in my generation and older would be so afflicted (I'm 52). That's what our parents did because that was the advice. I think most of us are ok...
I did it with DD - she's 21 now so I can't remember exactly how old she was - in a cot in her own room, so probably 6-8 months old. Nobody guilted me about it because nobody was really against it then.
Word of caution - it may not result in unbroken nights, my sister's second could settle herself but still woke in the night and woke my sister until she wa old enough to read herself back to sleep... She didn't cry though.

The no cry sleep solution works if your dc go in their cot and are generally happy if you are singing/patting/next to them etc. Then you gradually withdraw so they don't get a sudden shock of being left alone.

It didn't work for us because the dc were already crying by the time we'd walked into the bedroom.

We left it too late really with ours. Ds2 was 2 and really didn't understand. It was awful. He was too old to be unaware and too young to have it explained. Ds1 was 4.2 when it finally worked (sort of) with him. He goes to sleep alone in his bedroom now but comes into bed with dh in the night.

Ds2 still goes to bed in the big bed and sleeps with dh and I go in the spare room with almost 6mo dd.

Dh and I haven't slept alone for nearly 5 years and haven't slept together at all for 2.

We've hired a sleep consultant who basically told us to do cc. And just echoed the books. Waste of money really because she didn't say anything we hadn't already read and we just weren't up for letting them scream till they choked and vomited. We are just waiting for them to outgrow it. And have a superkingsize bed too.

Some will think that makes me stupid and soft but I think it makes me compassionate and natural
Wow I've read some sanctimonious stuff on MN but this beats most of it. So if you let your baby cry you are not compassionate? And wtf does natural mean in this context.

Scrap that I think half the responses on this thread are just as sanctimonious.
Don't seem to care if you're about to keel over from exhaustion, not quite sure what the baby will do then.
Just try it OP, despite what people say leaving the baby crying for couple of minutes and then coming back and reassuring them is showing them you will always be around and not the you have abandoned them!

Do it.
I did. It saved my sanity. Mine are grown up and perfectly ok. Bollocks to research. There is always something being thrown out there from scientists to fuck with new mothers' heads. I'm amazed anyone leaves the house these days with it all.

Nomoreworkathome
Couldn't agree more.

You do what you need to do. Honestly. Do what you think is best, you are the parent and you know your child. What I will say is that if you live in a flat please warn your neighbours, my neighbour started her version of controlled crying yesterday and didnt let any of us know. She wasn't doing what I would class as controlled crying as her DD was screaming on and off for 2 hours. A couple of us text eachother up to the point of 30min of on/off but pretty loud crying, worrying. Went and knocked and neighbour explained that she was checking on the DD.

Babies cry, that's what they do.
I think there's a difference between a baby being truly distressed and crying, and parents will know the difference.
I think if you can do CC, then try it - it's fine, some parents can't and that's fine too.
I would have tried it, but my wife hated the thought of it; not because she felt it was cruel, just because it felt against all her instincts. That was also fine, so we went with her thoughts.
I've yet to see any good studies, and/or analysis of multiple good studies, that show CC or similar to have any clear links to future problems for children.
Settling to sleep is one aspect of the baby's life; it should, IMO, be seen in the context of their life experiencing loving and supportive parenting.

Personally I wouldn't at 8 months but I did start with my son when he was 2, I would lay in bed with him for hours and I had work to be completing and could never get it done!
First few nights were tough but he then got the hang of it, he was verbal at that age though and he never got into a huge state - if he had done, I would of intervened.

Only attempted it because my once "slept through the night DD at 6 weeks" at 10 months was taking 2 hrs to get to sleep in more and more intricate sleep routines. In the end she was crying in my arms or when I put her down. I was afraid of her crying and trying to please her made things worse. In the end, exhausted, I walked away for my sanity. Within 3 days she was self settling and sleeping though and asleep within 10 mins of putting down. Best thing I ever did.

I now have a DS 5 months - completely different picture. Colic from 2 weeks and then diagnosed with reflux at 10 weeks. Screamed from 2pm to midnight at worst. Colic settled at 12 weeks but remained unsettled and waking from 2am constantly. Yes, it's too early to sleep train and already I know he wouldn't be a candidate for cry it out as he is a different temperament to my daughter and descends into hysterical crying when upset as per crying episodes with the colic. I've instead been gently giving him cues for a month now and he's gone down tonight for the first time without crying himself to sleep or having to be rocked.

You know your child and you know what's best. Don't listen to anyone else and don't feel guilty. My daughter shed less tears during her three days of sleep training than in the prior months where I was too guilty to do anything.

MrsKoala we just weren't up for letting them scream till they choked and vomited
What makes you think this would happen? I don't want to judge anyone's parenting, but what you describe seems completely mad and very bad for your relationship. My child didn't do anything close to screaming until she vomited and I don't see many others on here saying theirs did either.

Did this with both mine at 6 month ... bf both mine and they both slept through from 8 months and both are perfectly healthy, bright children who are ahead of development in many aspects.

Do what YOU think is right as a parent

Never intended to do cc but at one point with my DS, i had managed about 3 hours sleep in 5 days. I'd reached the point where I felt I might harm DS if i didn't walk away for a few minutes. My DH was working away and parents were on holiday so i had no one to ask for help. I decided to put him in his cot and go have a shower. When I got out the shower he had stopped crying and was asleep. Next night i put him in his cot and sat in the doorway humming quietly and he babbled a bit and then went to sleep. Did that for about 2 months and he just stopped noticing if i was there or not

Do it. It works in 2-3 days and your baby will be fine.

I don't know anyone in real life with a badly sleeping baby who didn't at some point try some form of controlled crying - it promises to be a quick fix at a time you desperately want one.

We tried it - and it didn't work, DS just got more and more wound up. With hindsight he was waking up because of a developmental leap (learning to crawl), and then teething which he really struggled with. We weren't the only ones it didn't work for either.

We instead used the No Cry Sleep solution book / gradual retreat - starting with rocking DS to sleep in a rocking chair and gradually reducing how much help we gave him (sitting holding him on the chair, then sitting on the bed, then lying next to him - always moving him after he fell asleep).He slept through from 15 months when teething eased off, we'd only got as far as lying next to him in the spare bed while he fell asleep. It took until 24 months before we could put him in his own cot awake even with us sitting next to him. However, it has involved no tears and he is now a good sleeper, which we'd never have believed when he was at his worst at about 9 months.

We haven't ruled out trying controlled crying with DD if we get desperate, but we'd certainly try gentler methods first.

Mine were all sleep,trained via a cold turkey approach at 9 months. About 3 nights transformed them all into sleep angels. They haven't been damaged in any way. They are all well adjusted, loving bright young adults who sleep well. Our first wasn't trained and was a nightmare - she was damaged by indulgence and enduring sleeping difficulties. As an adult she still struggles with sleep quite often.

Cardibach - sorry, I wasn't clear. Because that's what they did do when we did cc. Within 30 seconds they and the bed were covered in vomit and they were choking. Ds1 used to repeatedly bang his head against the cot. Like I said, we'd left if too long and they were too old and then became extremely distressed and we chose not to continue. The sleep consultant told us this was normal and we should go thru it but we weren't strong enough.

We both would rather not sleep together than do that.

Don't let anyone tell you you're cruel or damaging the baby, my mum let me and my brother cry and 100% it had no impact on our bond and we both grew up happy and well adjusted and sleeping well!
Also my hv suggested i try it now as my 6mo is waking and feeding to sleep just for comfort and she's lovely and fab and I trust both her and my mum and certainly neither of them are cruel!
I'm about to try it a bit (baby's got a cold so don't want to just yet) but don't know how I'll get on!

I did it after 6 months as I'd exhausted all other options. I don't regret doing it.

Ncforthis I assume "natural" (in the context it was used) means it's a natural instinct to go to a crying baby. Thus confirmed by pink saying upthread how upsetting it was for her to listen to her 3 day old crying

I could have written your post! At 10 months we did controlled crying and I stopped breastfeeding. Not perfect but he slept from 10-5 last night. At his worst he woke every40 minutes and it severely impacted on my physical and mental health, as well as starting to really resent him. So much happier now- do what is right for you.

Is there anyone who can help while you get some sleep?

DH did CC with our four once they were one (I couldn't bear it, and the moment I got involved, all they wanted was boobies, so I let him do it his way).
It worked very well for us, in that bedtimes have always been minimal fuss.

8 months is very young, IMO, BUT you have to do what you have to do to get through the day(night).

Hugs. X

I'm afraid I've never bought in to the whole 'CC just teaches your baby that nobody will come' argument trotted out by people that don't agree with it, including Sarah Ockwell Smith. If it taught my DD anything, it was just that if she woke in the night, nothing was actually wrong and she was perfectly capable of putting herself back to sleep. If anything has been genuinely wrong, e.g. Illness, a wet bed, a noise from outside that has spooked her, she cries! And you've guessed it, I go!

Agree with this. People get so whipped up discussing this. I'm pretty sure the majority of parents have used some sort of CC and gradual retreat. I don't think mumsnet is representative of RL.
Try it, if it doesn't work have a break and try again in a few weeks. Teething, grow spurts etc can all affect sleep so it's worth bearing that in mind.