AIBU to do controlled crying

[BergamotMouse]

I consider myself quite a 'gentle parent'. Controlled crying is something I said I wouldn't do as I don't want my daughter to learn that I don't respond to her cries but I feel like I'm on my knees.

DD is 8 months. Got through the 4 month sleep regression and was on about 2/3 wake ups. I breastfeed her back to sleep every time. For the past month or so she's been waking much more, could be every hour, she can be awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night and I no longer get an evening as keep trying to get her down until I give up and go to bed with her.

I'm just so tired. Will this pass soon or is my only option sleep training? Is there a gentler way?

Also anyone saying a 6 month old might not need night feeding maybe hasn't breastfed beyond that point. They wake more often than ff babies because they need to feed more often.

LouKout -at no point have I said that I needed left alone? Thats simply not true. My baby needed to sleep and I tried to help him and I did.

I did the pick up and put down technique. Both my boys needed to be rocked to sleep in their bouncers before I transferred them to bed. At 8 months I put them in their cot. He cried so I picked him up and cuddled him, slightly rocking him. Once he stopped crying, I put him back in his cot and let his room. I did this 10 times before he eventually fell asleep. It took 20 mins then 10 mins etc. It took 3 weeks !!! It's so tiring and frustrating picking and putting him down. But it's much kinder to him.

Ah and Wando I take your point. I only breast fed exclusively for approx 6 weeks so yes I'm sure that did make a difference.

3 days.

3 days.

Jesus.

Pink at 3 days old with your first baby how could you possibly know your breastfed baby wasn't still hungry?

OP my son was a rubbish sleeper and I know how you feel. Personally I was not willing to do controlled crying. Sleep did improve a little when I night weaned him (actually he slept through for the first 2 weeks after night weaning, then went back to waking every 2 hrs - aaagh!) It got a lot better, to only 2 night wakings, when I did gradual retreat so that I was sitting by the door with him in bed but able to see/hear me.

In my family babies seem to grow out of night wakings at age 3 and nothing (not even controlled crying which my sister tried) helps our babies much before then. Some babies are just shit at sleep, it's in the genes.

I would suggest you try to night wean him and see how that works out for a few weeks. Eg stop feeding in the bedroom but allow on demand feeding anywhere else, if at all possible have dad cuddle him to sleep so he can't smell milk, or put a cushion or something as a barrier between your breasts and him as you cuddle. If that doesn't help try gradual retreat. It can help a lot having baby learn to sleep without physically touching you, but that doesn't mean you have to leave him completely alone, controlled crying style. There's a huge difference between him crying because he's angry at you and crying because he's alone and afraid.

If those don't work it's up to you if you do controlled crying, personally I don't agree with it but perhaps more importantly it does not work at all on very stubborn personalities, some people try it for weeks with no success, others find it helps in a couple of days. Many find it's a temporary fix but then things go back to how it was.

What saved my sanity was giving up on the cot and cosleeping on a floor mattress, with me sometimes going to bed with him, at 7/8. Shit obviously but at least I could function - and actually some of those night time cuddles were total bliss.

Good luck, I know how hard it is and the toll it is taking on you. Try to remember that your baby is not being completely unreasonable - his teeth hurt and breastmilk helps them feel better, and his survival instincts tell him to keep mum close at all times and yell to her if he gets separated. For millions of years that was the main reason humans survived.

Good luck and big hug. It will, one day, be much easier than this.

In all honesty Mrs DD I can't remember as it was 10 years ago but I'd imagine it was because he'd just fed and had stopped feeding because he was full.

I keep vowing not to return to this subject - I am long past the CC stage (my DS is now 16) but I used this method, like Pink when he was very young, as soon as we came home from hospital - put DS to bed, in is own room at 7pm and left him to self settle. He never cried for long - 2-3 minutes - and he has never, ever had problems sleeping.

But I know I will get flamed for admitting this and it's probably why so few women on Mumsnet admit to using CC. To call using CC 'abuse' is utter rubbish.

Fucking hell, stop piling on Pink. Her kids are fine, she answered the OP honestly and she has no regrets. I'm not sure how it's anyone else's business.

A newborn who has been inside you for 9 months. You get home from the hospital and put that baby in a room alone to cry until they fall asleep.
Wow.

Always a contentious issue on here. OP leaving your baby to cry for a while to help them learn how to sleep is not going to damage them. I think most of the studies people quote were linked to Romanian orphanages. In an otherwise much loved baby who gets plenty of attention there is no problem. I did some form of cc/ sleep training around 7/8 months with both of mine and it was life changing. Going from spending hours rocking and feeding them to sleep to just putting them down and walking out.
Also just a word to defend pink. Some babies need to have a little cry and fuss before putting themselves to sleep. She put her baby down and it went to sleep within 5 minutes, she hardly locked it in the coal cellar

Yes.

Read my posts Guinness - NOT ALONE!!! NEVER was he alone.
Thank you Ragwort and Trifle. My op was only to try and support the original OP by telling her my experience as despite having good sleepers parenting is knackering and I know how that feels. Good luck op. I'm sure you'll make the best decision. I'm going to step away from being riled by this now and go and play with my kids 😀

I think the guidelines are over 6 months for controlled crying. I've found the earlier you nip it in the bud the better. As they get older it's a lot harder to break the habit. At 8 months you will be able to end night waking in 3 nights. At 2 years it can take you weeks!
I would recommend going in at intervals, they know they haven't been abandoned but they learn to settle themselves.

Pink that wss to pp who left newborn in room alone once back from hospital.

I did CC with my first two at that age and they both slept through from then (actually with DD I did gradual withdrawal but it's still sleeping training involving a bit of crying).
Third child, no sleep training as he was sharing a room with us/siblings till he was 2 and he didn't sleep through till he was 5
I think try it. All kids are different, my eldest was fine with CC, middle used to escalate to screaming ab dabs so that's why we did gradual withdrawal.
Good luck

There is zero evidence that cc causes any long term emotional or psychological damage. None. Actual attachment theory (not recent attachment parenting gubbins) in no way suggests that a few nights crying will do any harm at all. It is damaging for a primary caregivers to consistently neglect their child's needs or for babies to cry constantly without comfort but cc is neither of these things.

I have a masters in relationship therapy and sleep trained both of mine at 8 months. Co sleeping is not for everyone, poor sleep is bad for developing minds and bad for parent's mh and these things generally do not just pass. Poor sleep habits can drag on for years.

I used controlled crying with both my two.

DS1 was 11 months, was waking every hour and from night 3 he was sleeping 10.5 hours straight, woke up for a bottle of milk around 6am then back to bed again until 8/8.30am.

DS2 was 7 months, waking every hour again. It took 1 month but now he is 14 months and will sleep 13 hours. He goes to bed at 6.30am, wakes at 6am for a bottle of milk then goes back to sleep again until he is woken up at 8am for nursery. He wakes up 8.30am on week ends.

If you have exhausted all other options and you are exhausted, I would do it as in the long run it will pay off. People I know in real life who don't do it end up with 3 year olds still waking in the night crying.

I think you have to look at it in the round. Your sleep is as important as your baby's. Your relationship with your partner is as important as your relationship with your baby. You have to do what is best for the whole family. And no-one apart from you and your partner knows what is best.

Having said that, it's so hard... I just want to say best of luck with whatever you choose. The fact your on here and you're worrying about it means that you are a good mother and you will do whatever is right for your family.

Sorry..you did post on a thread ahout cc though. Will say no more

(To pink)

OMG *you're

I had a really hard time with my son when he was 8 months - we've always co slept and bounced or fed back to sleep, but at 8 months he went through about 2 weeks of waking every hour and wanting to be up in the middle of the night. We ended up just sticking him in the sling after his first waking til we went to bed - meant he stayed asleep and we could eat/read over his head!

I think the people who did just one thing when they're babies were a few days/weeks old can't really comment with advice on this thread. You didn't do anything magic that one time, you were lucky and got a good sleeper.

My DS 10m wakes every few hours at night but he has hypoglycaemia (found out recently) so his body can't last very long without regular feeds/snacks. If your baby is waking during the night and wanting to play etc then I'd look at day time naps first, is she napping too much, or alternatively not napping enough?

Try feeding more filling foods too, I found that giving my son a lentil soup for tea gets him through half the night.

If you've tried all that (you've probably tried most things at this point) and it isn't due to hunger or pain then I'd do as you suggested. But maybe set a mark that you won't cross? So many minutes etc.