AIBU to do controlled crying

[BergamotMouse]

I consider myself quite a 'gentle parent'. Controlled crying is something I said I wouldn't do as I don't want my daughter to learn that I don't respond to her cries but I feel like I'm on my knees.

DD is 8 months. Got through the 4 month sleep regression and was on about 2/3 wake ups. I breastfeed her back to sleep every time. For the past month or so she's been waking much more, could be every hour, she can be awake for 2 hours in the middle of the night and I no longer get an evening as keep trying to get her down until I give up and go to bed with her.

I'm just so tired. Will this pass soon or is my only option sleep training? Is there a gentler way?

Do what feels right for you and your baby. Trust your instincts.

We did a small amount of gradual retreat at 8 months (never left her for more than 4 minutes and if it hadn't of worked by 20 mins agreed to stop) and that worked for us after a few days.

We didn't try it during the night and just rocked / fed. 11 months now and goes down really well and only wakes if she's teething rarely.

Good luck

But they aren't left to cry on their own, crying in itself doesn't cause the stress hormone to be released if they are with the caregiver - crying is just a form of communication at this age. It's when the baby becomes stressed, when left to cry itself to sleep for instance, when it becomes an issue. Of course sleep is important for development, but is stress less damaging than less sleep? I personally wouldn't want to use my child to find out. DD is still getting the recommended amount of sleep per day, she just has hers in smaller amounts at one time. I just could not leave her to cry, but that is just my opinion!

I may do it with dd if we get to 8months and things don't improve (no evidence to say they will). Dd is almost 6 months and still is fed every 2 hrs round the clock. We have 4 night feeds and she is usually up 2-4am.

Ds2 never slept for more than three hrs till 18mo and now at nearly 3 still wakes for an he or 2 most nights.

Ds1 had to be driven to sleep till he was 3.

We tried cc on ds2 when he was 2.2 and he had covered himself in vomit and was choking within 30 seconds. We couldn't continue. I wish we had done it sooner.

I didn't so much do that. But I always went with a 10 minute rule. When ds was very small he would go back to sleep while drinking his bottle so we'd take him straight up and put him in the crib (he always slept upstairs even in the day).
When he got older and would stay awake longer, we'd put him down awake and leave him for 10 minutes. In this time he would usually settle himself to sleep. He may cry a little, but if there was nothing wrong he would go off to sleep on his own. We always had the video monitor so could see him, and if after 10 minutes he wasn't asleep we would go back up to him.
I know people may think we were wrong to do that and let him cry, but it worked from day 1. He self settled from the start (we were also lucky he slept through from 3 months though). And he's never had or needed any sort of comforter and certainly not a dummy (I hate them).
I know it's not for everyone, but it worked for us and I will do the same with baby number 2 in a few years time.

With our baby we put her down, she'd cry, we'd sit next to the cot stroking her head and singing until she calmed down and fell asleep. Every time she woke in the evening we'd do the same - within 3 days she'd stopped waking up between 7-11 pm because she'd realised there wouldn't be food. We're going to start doing this through the night now, since she's waking every 2 hours and I'm a zombie... Not sure if this is the same as cc but felt less cruel than leaving the room!

Is you dd in her own room? We had the same issues at 8 months with our dd. Put her in with her brother and thought disaster would strike instead she usually only has one wake up a night now for a feed and then straight back to sleep. Her sleeping habits literally improved dramatically in the space of a week. We also have tried to cut out naps after 4pm.

Thanks for all the replies. It really is a topic that divides opinion.

Just to make clear. I wouldn't leave her to cry it out. It would be a go in after 1 minutes, 2 minutes etc thing.

I might give it a bit longer before going down that road, things seem so much worse in the night and before that first cup of tea. I actually felt dizzy this morning but feeling a little more human now.

I was like you OP. I was absolutely demented from lack of sleep and seriously thought I might crash the car or drop the baby, I was so tired I was hallucinating. I had to do something and I'm so glad I did.
I did the baby whisperer plan (which focuses on day routine/naps and the night follows). It's gentler than CC as it teaches you to learn the cries. Babies often have a certain cry to soothe themselves and drop off to sleep (mantra cry) and if you go in and pick them up you disturb the process and actually make it harder for them to sleep without you as a "prop", and settle themselves if they stir in the night. (Other sorts of cries, yes, you do attend to.)

It worked with both mine and they've slept like a dream ever since. Without meaning to sound too "woo", teaching your child how to sleep is a huge huge asset to THEM as well as you and its something that will benefit them their whole lives.

Sorry but 3 days old with your first? Did you get fed up that quickly. What a lovely welcome to the world.

Yes, she is in our room. She was in her own room from about 6.5 months and was sleeping better but we brought her back into our room in the hope of getting more sleep when it went downhill. Much easier to be awake for hours in your own bed rather than sitting in her room. Might try her in her own room again. She has all her naps in there and will nap really well!

She's just started crawling, is just pulling up so think it might be developmental.

Do it OP. Two or three rubbish nights and I promise you it will work. Everyone will be happier when they are having enough sleep.

I followed Rachel Waddilove's book (slightly gentler more flexible version of Gina Ford) from day 1 with DS and so like pinksink I suppose I was doing it at Day 3, BUT he has never cried for more then 20 minutes because doing it early meant it worked very quickly. I do genuinely believe babies need to be taught to sleep well. Personally from the beginning I put DS to bed in his cot at 7pm (yes, I am aware of SIDS and transfered him to our room when we went to sleep later but he simply could not sleep downstairs with us) with a full tummy (BF then formula top up) and left him too it. If he was unsettled I would offer another burp after 20 mins or so in case it was trapped wind but never walked him around, sang to him or rocked after 7pm. Daytime was full of cuddles, songs and play but from day one, night was night. Of course I fed him throughout the night as he needed (originally 11pm, 2am and 5am, then he dropped the 2am and then dropped the 5am. We now only do the 11pm dream feed) and changed his nappy but I never 'tried to get him to sleep'. I just attended to his needs then left him to learn how to settle.

He is an enormously happy, giggly and cheerful little man at 7 months who sleeps 19.30-07.00 with a 11pm dream feed. OP do it. You will all be so much happier. Feel free to PM me if you want xxxx

3 days is absolutely appalling. I thought that must be a typo but apparently not. Even die hard sleep training fans I've spoken to would take a dim view of that. Grim.
OP It's so hard. My son was always a great sleeper and then his sister came along and despite both having the same routine and everything she has always been pants in the night. I'm personally waiting it out with my girl but I know how horrible the sleep deprivation is after so long and don't blame you for looking into CC.

Controlled crying is fine. Cry it out (lit. shut the door and go) is pretty grim.

Your mental health is important and this is not a problem that is necessarily going to disappear by itself.

We did cc at 10 months. Looking back my only regret is I didn't do it at 8. Children are now 11 and 9 and totally unscarred and our bond was only strengthened by the fact that I didn't completely break down from exhaustion.

I used the methods on preciouslittlesleep.com. Most important thing is learning to fall asleep on their own. The methods are very gentle and backed up with research.

We had a maximum of 5mins crying one night. She's slept though since 11 months and no harm done. Seeing my friends children, if you do nothing to help them sleep through, they will not do it naturally till between 2 and 3 years old. And they will be tired grumpy toddlers from lack of sleep.

Help your baby to learn this skill. It's worth a try at least - if it doesn't work now then stop and try again in a month.

Meh - people complain on here about it, but I was pushed to the brink with 7mo twins who were waking up constantly all night, I was also spending about 4 hours a day rocking them to sleep at nap time - I would put one down and then have to pick up the other and rock them. By the time I'd put them down the other would wake up. I was going crazy. So one day I just broke, looked at the super nanny technique and did it. I started at nap time as I thought it would be easier to do in the day - they cried for about 20mins first nap time (I went in every couple of mins to soothe), second time it was about 10mins. That night I put them down and they dropped off in 10 mins completely on their own - no tears! Now they have long 2 hour naps (rather than 20mins), they pretty much sleep through the night (if they do wake up I feed them and they settle themselves back to sleep). FYI they don't 'cry themselves to sleep' - they are giggling, playing, chatting away in their cots and then just wriggle themselves about a bit until they're asleep. They're happy, well rested and the most smiley babies ever! People love to scare monger about it but they are over thinking it, if it doesn't work for you then you can always stop, no 'lasting damage' for me it was more important that I was getting some sleep and rest in order to be the best mum I can be, rather than a shell of a woman slumped on the sofa who couldn't be bothered to do anything with my babies and who dreaded nap time.

I'm genuinely surprised by the few people on here who have described me as cruel and suggested that I was 'fed up' with my baby. I actually think those accusations are pretty unkind. Have you read my posts properly? I knew he was safe and cared for, I was in there the whole
time with him as was my husband, I cried the whole time too but I instinctively knew he was crying because he needed to sleep and constant fussing around him, picking him up and cuddling him was only going to prevent that. If he had continued to cry for a couple
More minutes I would probably have got him up but I didn't need to because what he wanted was to sleep! When he woke crying a few hours later I leapt out of bed to feed him. I adore all my children and did from the minute they were born - please don't suggest otherwise.

I wouldn't do it.

Might be worth considering that they can learn to get to sleep by themselves but they cannot 'self-settle' i.e. calm themselves down when they are upset and crying. They just stop crying when they realise you won't come and lie there stressed until they fall asleep. Could you try going in each time, picking them up and calming them down and putting them back down awake. DC will learn to fall asleep without you being there but it will take longer.

My 3rd baby has had to be left to cry for up to 30 mins most mornings since about 6wks old. We are always visible to her, she is fed, clean and dry, but she wants to be held and i need to get the others fed and ready for preschool and myself dressed. She's nearly 6 months and still cries whenever not held. Crying is sadly a daily occurrence for her as i need to do other things.

Pink, my comment was not directed at you but the OP. There should be no problem leaving a child for a minute or two. Sometimes they are just whining or sometimes juts have a bit of unsettledness they have to get out before they can relax and sleep. People often rush to their babies too early.

Firstly, your DD needs to be in her own room. It could be you and your DH disrupting her sleep. Rolling over in the night, snoring, shuffling etc.

Secondly, is DC actually crying and waking up? Or just moaning and grizziling? We often here DD once or twice a night, having a cry. She's not awake, just trying to get comfy. If we went in there we'd wake her up and distrupt her sleep even further. So we let her grizzle usually a couple of minutes and she's fast asleep again.

Lastly: On the nights that DD does wake up we do 'controlled crying'. When we hear DDs 'real cry' we go in straight away. Give her dummy, shhhhh sounds and tuck her back in. Next time we leave it a minute or so. Then do the same, we don't pick her up or talk to her. Then we do the same again. We've never had to do more than 4/5 trips at the worst and that was just the once.

Since you haven't used this method before it may take your DC a few nights to get used to it. But don't worry you aren't being cruel and damaging them. It's worse for then to have too little sleep than to cry for a few mins at a time.

Stick at it and you'll all be better for it

At 3 days you were tired and needed left alone? Thats appalling.

We have managed 10 years

Amd im.not being smug just 3 days is shocking

I did it at 6 months. I went in every 1/2/3 minutes to settle. It worked within 2 nights. Now he settles himself to sleep in the evening and has just started sleeping 7-7 at 8 months. He is a lot happier now that he's getting the right amount of sleep. Although it's not nice to hear your child cry, I would definitely recommend it.

I think that sleep deprivation is far more damaging to the child's development, to the relationship between mother and child and also the relationship between the parents.

I did CC with both my DCs, they are now confident, easy going, well adjusted young ladies. They have never shown any anxiety issues and there were no problems with bonding or relationships with me as a result of a bit of crying when they were a baby. All this stuff is just psycho babble nonsense just something else to torture mums with and make them martyr themselves into depression from sleep deprivation.

Better a happy mum than a sleep deprived one any day.