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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To stay home w sick teenager

100 replies

lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 05:02

My teenage son has a bacterial infection (diagnosed this evening) & will have to miss school today (Friday). He was worried he had meningitis and as soon as I got in from work he asked if I could take him to the dr's, so off we went & sat around the clinic for an hour till it was his turn.

Anyway, he would really appreciate it if I stayed home tomorrow. My union contract gives us quite a bit of "family time" off to care for sick kids and parents and spouses and even siblings & to take family members to Drs appointments.

While a lot of people in my office don't have kids or older parents, I do have a kid and am a divorced parent (& his dad has always flat-out refused to take time off when either of our kids was sick). I feel guilty as I know the supervisor will give me the stink eye, but I find it really stressful to not be there for my kids when they need me (one is now an adult).

As it's in our contract it's reasonable, right?

OP posts:

Hotpinkangel19 · 07/04/2017 05:07

Definitely, stay home with your son. Family first xx

DermotOLogical · 07/04/2017 05:42

Is he 16 or 13? Huge difference depending on age.

DancingPenguin1 · 07/04/2017 05:54

How old is he?

Original poster

lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 05:57

Well, he is 16. On the one hand he is incredibly bright and mature. On the other hand he worried a lot, about a lot of things (no idea where he gets this from!), and so being sick and alone is not his favourite thing.

I think he had a migraine tonight on top of the infection & I know how anxiety-provoking those can be.

His dad is so unreliable and always disappointing ds so I feel extra (internal) pressure to be the parent who is there for him. No-one is there for me when I'm sick, I've never had that, so I'd like my ds to have it. And it is in the contract ...

OP posts:

Squidgling · 07/04/2017 06:01

I only have a toddler so don't have any experience of this but if he's feeling really ill then I think it would be nice for you to stay at home. It's horrible having to fend for yourself and get your own drinks etc when you're very unwell. If your contract allows the family /carers time then go for it, your son is more important.

DermotOLogical · 07/04/2017 06:01

16 Yabu. He needs to develop independence and part of that is staying home alone. You'll be on the end of the phone if he needs it. You are feeding his anxiety by staying with him. He doesn't need you. Soon he'll be off to university, you can't spend ill days with him then.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 07/04/2017 06:06

Yabu. He's seen the doctor. He can stay on the sofa and rest. He's 16.

Original poster

lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 06:07

Thanks squidgling. I made him miso soup when we got back from the Drs and he was so appreciative. He's got no energy at all and has to be reminded to eat.

Dermot, he's had to be home sick loads (unfortunately) as I've only this year moved into a union position. He's travelled internationally alone and had a part-time job. He wants to go to a different city for uni.

I see it more as, he's got the rest of his life to fend for himself. Nice to have the support while it's available.

I'm not wondering if it's BU to be there for him, more if work will take umbrage (but bugger that, it's in the collective agreement).

There are a fair few things that are in the contract that never seem to materialize so I guess I feel it's okay to use what does actually come available, when appropriate.

OP posts:

steff13 · 07/04/2017 06:08

I wouldn't stay with him unless he had a pretty high fever, or he was disoriented or something.

TaliDiNozzo · 07/04/2017 06:09

I don't know on this one. Maybe you should have a read of the other thread running on this subject at the moment. At 16 he doesn't really need you to be there with him, but perhaps you're could pop in at lunchtime and maintain contact periodically through the day.

Itwillbefine · 07/04/2017 06:09

I would stay home with him.

Original poster

lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 06:10

But I don't want to be one of those people who says AIBU then argues when people saying YABU.

Sometimes you have to hear other people's opinions before you know your own though.

If I stayed at work then I don't get home till gone 6:00.

OP posts:

Original poster

lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 06:13

He's got a fever of 39.5 & said he feels "disassociated".

I'd love to pop in at lunch, but the commute means I don't have time. I'd get home & lunch would be over and then I'd be late back, which would cause as many dark looks as just leaving would.

OP posts:

steff13 · 07/04/2017 06:13

Does he want you there? I hate people fussing around me when I'm sick.

steff13 · 07/04/2017 06:15

39.5 C is about 103 F. I'd consider that a high fever.

Original poster

lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 06:18

Stuff, yes he very much wants me there. He wouldn't ask directly but sent me 3 texts this afternoon to ask when I'd be home and was so grateful when I said I'd come home early tomorrow. He just wants to know I'm nearby I think. He's just got the one adult to rely on, & I feel that (@ least for a worrier like he is) that it's important he feel like a priority.

OP posts:

Dumdedumdedum · 07/04/2017 06:21

I would stay with him, as, contractually, you can, and it sounds as if this is the first time you are "taking advantage" of these terms of your contract despite his having been ill quite frequently.
Hope he feels better soon.

Silverdream · 07/04/2017 06:22

If you're worried take the day as holiday not special leave.
I found the transition from staying at home to leaving them horrid. There isn't an obvious line.
At that age I left them but text in every hour. Text to remind him to heat soup in microwave and when it's time to have them.

Crashbangwhatausername · 07/04/2017 06:23

If you aren't sure, stay. It's in your contract so as long as you don't abuse it I would stay and look after him otherwise you sound like you are going to worry all day so pointless going in. Hope he's better soon

VintagePerfumista · 07/04/2017 06:24

At 16, I definitely wouldn't (I have one at 13 and I don't) but having said that, 39.3 is very high.

He sounds very stressed and anxious from your description (from the bit about it being him worried he had meningitis and him wanting to go to the doctor etc) Is he normally this anxious about his health?

Not sure what your work will think about taking time off for a 16 yr old in all honesty, but for once, I'd do it.

When he's better though, maybe have a deeper look into his anxiety.

MistressMolecules · 07/04/2017 06:26

Your union/job allows for time off for sick children - your child (who actually is still under 18 so therefore a minor) is sick and wants you with him (in assuming it doesn't happen every week), stay off with him. Two years from now he will be an adult flying the nest, if it causes no job issues/loss of earnings that you can't afford, then why not stay home with your child. As an aside, if he is struggling with his anxiety it might be worth a trip to the GP. Hope he feels better soon.

Original poster

lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 06:28

He had flu in February & I left him (everyone here has had such a sick winter/spring). I've got no-one else I'll be taking time off for, just him, so unlikely to use more than a third (@ a guess) of the allowed time.

Thing about texting is a) not allowed and b) it gets busy at times so hard to sneak a glance).

OP posts:

VintagePerfumista · 07/04/2017 06:31

PS Just wanted to add, just because it's in your contract, doesn't mean they won't tut and think you are taking the piss (especially with a teenager that old) They will, because people do...(both tutting and taking the piss)
Just to warn you, especially if it's a new contract (If I understand your OP correctly)

Original poster

lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 06:31

He does have an appt w his regular dr on Monday (today was at the walking clinic, so not his usual gp). He has talked to the dr before about anxiety but then gets all manly and decides to power through it. When he's not sick he's taken up running as a way to relax.

OP posts:

VintagePerfumista · 07/04/2017 06:32

X post.

Again, if it's the first time, you've done it, or more or less, then go for it.

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