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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To stay home w sick teenager

100 replies

lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 05:02

My teenage son has a bacterial infection (diagnosed this evening) & will have to miss school today (Friday). He was worried he had meningitis and as soon as I got in from work he asked if I could take him to the dr's, so off we went & sat around the clinic for an hour till it was his turn.

Anyway, he would really appreciate it if I stayed home tomorrow. My union contract gives us quite a bit of "family time" off to care for sick kids and parents and spouses and even siblings & to take family members to Drs appointments.

While a lot of people in my office don't have kids or older parents, I do have a kid and am a divorced parent (& his dad has always flat-out refused to take time off when either of our kids was sick). I feel guilty as I know the supervisor will give me the stink eye, but I find it really stressful to not be there for my kids when they need me (one is now an adult).

As it's in our contract it's reasonable, right?

OP posts:
Crumbs1 · 07/04/2017 06:33

I think you should encourage him to self care. He's 16 and needs to develop the skills he'll need as an adult. He's got antibiotics, he can bring his temperature down with Paracetamol and he can stay in bed. Responding to his anxiety by infantilising him is likely to result in increased belief that he can't cope. He needs a message that he can absolutely manage just fine.

Original poster
lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 06:33

It is a newish contract, but I think I'm at the point where I feel I've tried so hard at the jobs I've had since going back to work ten years ago, and bosses never appreciate the effort so as damned if I do and if I don't ...

OP posts:
Original poster
lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 06:38

Crumbs, my mum had that attitude w me and w my personality it just confirmed for me that I wasn't cared for or about. And ds is very like me.

I'd love someone to bring me soup and tea & I don't think that means I would be being infantalised.

As I said below, he's had to be home sick on his own a lot, too much, and now I've been in the job a while, and the contract allows for time to care for kids, spouses, parents, and siblings ... well, I think the union intended sick family w fevers if need be.

My trouble is, I worry too much about what management thinks.

OP posts:
SuperBeagle · 07/04/2017 06:41

He's two years off being an adult. In my opinion, he needs to be learning to deal with these things on his own now. What will happen if he moves away for uni and gets sick? Or moves out on his own at some point? He won't have you there then.

Original poster
lizzieoak · 07/04/2017 06:44

But he has been sick on his own lots. The difference now is that being in a union job I have the contracted right to take time off to care for sick family members (of all ages, not just for tinies - we are even given time to care for sick step-siblings!).

OP posts:
MaisyPops · 07/04/2017 06:47

As he's been to the dr and is just generally unwell (which feels rubbish but its not massive) could you go in and then ask to leave early and make the hours up next week?

I wonder if hes being a bit of a hypercondriac e.g. feels unwell and declares 'i think i have meningitis and need to go to the dr'. Being unwell sucks but if his first feeling being poorly is he has meningitis Id imagine hes got a low tolerance for being unwell and just wante some fuss. At 16 he should be able to take some cold and flu medicine and rest up.

GloGirl · 07/04/2017 06:48

I would tell management it's a bacterial infection that hasn't 'broke' yet - he's feverish and can't stand up properly to get himself to the toilet etc and you need to stay at home for his safety. Lay it on really thick how poorly he is. Say you're considering taking him to walk in clinic this afternoon if it's no better etc etc.

StrangeAndUnusual · 07/04/2017 06:51

In your situation I would stay home. Other people may well tut but ignore them, and feel comfortable that you are doing the right thing. Hope he feels better soon.

NormaSmuff · 07/04/2017 06:52

alternatively can you finish at lunch time?

Hissy · 07/04/2017 06:56

Wow some of you are hardnosed!

I got full on tonsillitis just after my horrid ex left, raging temperature etc but would do the school run for the then 5yo ds and come back to bed

My own mother only lived 3 miles away and never even so much as rang me, it was the loneliest I ever felt.

Self care is shit, and if you don't need to put someone through it, you don't.

Sounds like he actually does need a bit of reassurance and if op can take a day or half day, why not? Life's too short sometimes.

PossumInAPearTree · 07/04/2017 07:01

At 16yo he's old enough to be told that although you would live to stay with him you're also worried about pissing your manager off and making things difficult at work. Personally I would go to work.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2017 07:06

When I was in the first year at university, some lovely boys looked after me when I had really bad tonsillitis. They set up a tv in my room and came and checked on me. If you can stay, I would. Or perhaps do a half day and make the rest of the time next week.

errorofjudgement · 07/04/2017 07:22

It sounds as though he's feeling really poorly and scared about how ill he feels. My advice is stay at home with him. If he wants you there, then that's where you should be.
I did the same with my DS' at 16/17/18.
Hasn't stopped them turning into independent and caring adults, despite the naysayers on this thread!

2ndSopranos · 07/04/2017 07:32

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

statetrooperstacey · 07/04/2017 07:36

At 16 I don't think he needs you there , however if you want to be ( I have a dc with lots if health anxiety) and it sounds like you do, and work will allow it. The. Yes stay home with him, if relatives etc are included it's obviously not just aimed at parents with little children . Ignore the stink eye!

bumblingbovine49 · 07/04/2017 07:47

Please stay with him. DS had a fever this high an had a very short seizure once. He was not 16 but too old for the common high temp seizures in v. young children which stop at about 5 years old (he was 11). Noone (adult or child ) with a temp of almost 40oC should be on their own. I appreciate sometimes it is unavoidable but in this case it is not.

nigelforgotthepassword · 07/04/2017 07:57

It's one day off work which you are contractually entitled to take under the circumstances.Work will not grind to a halt without you and you know your own son-if he needs you at home then he needs you at home.16, 13, whatever....
So stay home with him.
And I say that as someone that managed a team of staff whose agency budget for the year is already double what was projected....you can't odds it and clearly you aren't some sort of frequent slacker or else you wouldn't be on here asking about it.
Hope he feels better soon.

HappyFlappy · 07/04/2017 08:07

Sorry - slight derailment, but, if he HAD had meningitis, taking him to sit in a crowded waiting room would be the last thing you should have done.

Our practice makes a point of segregating anyone who may be nastily contagious (i.e. not colds or coughs, but possible measles, meningitis etc)

HappyFlappy · 07/04/2017 08:08

For what it's worth, I would stay at home and cosset him.

pilates · 07/04/2017 08:10

In the circumstances you have described, yes I would stay off with him. As long as it isn't a regular occurrence it will be fine.

vintagechick43 · 07/04/2017 08:15

I would stay with him if you can , doesn't matter how old he is sounds like he needs.

Mulledwine1 · 07/04/2017 08:23

If he had a cold, I'd go to work.

But if he's got an infection he's likely to feel really grotty and want you around. I'd stay.

I don't think age is really important here. If my husband were really ill I'd stay with him too although it has never happened.

It depends where you work. If you're not far away you could go in and come back at lunchtime assuming you won't get caught up but you've said it gets busy. If you're an hour's commute away, I wouldn't go.

I'm not sure why worrying that you've got meningitis is being overanxious. Late teens are a prime age group to get it.

Etymology23 · 07/04/2017 08:32

When I've been ill at university I haven't had to look after myself: my friends would make me dinner and bring me food, and make sure I could go to the doctors.

We always said that we weren't at home with family so we had to be our family. I've gone out to get people meds, emptied sick bowls, done their washing or their washing up, walked with them to the doctors or the nurses. I don't think leaving home means you no longer get looked after when you're sick.

They didn't sit with me the whole time, and I didn't with them, but between everyone someone would always be popping in to check you were okay.

I once went to the out of hours on my own and everyone was surprised and a bit horrified that I hadn't woken them up.

Aka: if you can take the time, then take it, esp as he has such a high fever.

Enko · 07/04/2017 08:33

OP I have a 15 year old son and I would absolutely stay at home with him if he was asking me to.

Mine is about to go to Mexico (in 2 hours) with his youth group Is doing DofE this year and going to South of France with his rugby club without parents. I have no concerns about his ability to cope on his own. Or develop life skills.

However when they are asking you to be around they are still needing emotional support and still need a parent figure around. I personally take that to mean DH and I have done a good job as parents as our children (he has 3 sisters) wants us around when the going gets tough,

JacquesHammer · 07/04/2017 08:56

I had glandular fever at (almost) 20. My dad took a few days off work to look after me because I was so ill.

It was basic human kindness and I can't say how much I appreciated it. Didn't affect my independence in the slightest!