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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To talk to teen DD about her "reputation"

69 replies

user149151553 · 06/04/2017 23:23

DD1 is 15, DD2 is 12. I'm 39. DD2 told me the other day boys at their school are saying DD1 has a bit of a reputation and asked me what a town bike is (awkward). Haven't wanted to invade DD1s privacy and have told DD2 to pay no mind and not upset DD1 with rumours. Should I broach the subject with DD1? How should I say it? I am by no means assuming the worst but would like to be in the loop

OP posts:

Pettywoman · 06/04/2017 23:29

I'd tread carefully and if anything approach it from the 'are you happy at school' angle to see of she's being bullied. Labels like that are horrific and can cause such suffering. I don't know quite what I'd say. Is she seeming happy and her normal self? Does she have good friends?

planetclom · 06/04/2017 23:32

I would be reporting to the school about bullying and harassment of dd1, that said I haven't heard the term town bike since the last episode of the sweeny so seems a odd term to have picked up, still we are all into revival

BenLinusatemyhomework · 06/04/2017 23:37

First off, the language those boys are using is profoundly sexist and you need to talk to DD2 about why they have no right to talk about her sister in that way regardless of how your Dd1 is behaving.

Her sex life (or lack of it as this may just be malicious shit stirring on the boys part) is her business alone, however, she is a minor and I would be very gently broaching this with her, keeping in mind that this may be bullying/shaming on the boys part due to her rejecting advances (or some such).

If she is sexually active then obviously contraceptives are something that needs to be broached but equally importantly her physical and emotional wellbeing. You may also need to remind her that if she is having sex, then she is putting any male at risk of prosecution of statutory rape and talk through the ramifications of that.

Whatever you do though, try your best not to shame or humiliate her (not that I think you would deliberately do this but it's very easily done and needs a gentle approach). Her emerging sexuality is nothing she should be ashamed of and slut shaming (which is what these boys are doing) is disgusting and misogynistic.

Arealhumanbeing · 06/04/2017 23:37

This happened to me at school. At the time it was extremely upsetting.

So teenaged boys are still upset by their female peers having sex lives and feel entitled to make vile comments about them?!

Wow not much changes.

Maybe a chat about sexism and misogyny would help her to process this type of treatment before it does too much damage?

Neverknowing · 06/04/2017 23:39

Sounds like bullying to me. The girls at our school who had that reputation were all fairly conservative, it was just something mean the boys would say.
Obviously not that it matters either way, people are saying mean things about her that have spread far enough that your younger daughter, in a different year, have heard them. Very sad, hope she's okay op.

pipsqueak25 · 06/04/2017 23:40

i'm with petty in the first instance, test the waters first with dd, then if there is something nasty going down then speak to school.
some kids can be absolute little shits.

Arealhumanbeing · 06/04/2017 23:44

Yes actually. She may not even be having sex.

I was only ever bullied by the boys I hadn't had sex with. Also I first heard the word 'slag' at age 11 (when not sexually active).

Lochan · 06/04/2017 23:51

Be careful with this.

A rumour that I was pregnant was reported to my Mother by another adult, who had heard it from a teenager.

It was pure malicious gossip, based on nothing more than nastiness.

I wasn't even having sex at the time.

My Mother was sensible enough to treat the report with the scorn it deserved but made me aware of the source.

Make sure that you and your younger DD aren't being used as tools to bully your eldest.

I'd explain the term to DD2 and discuss some appropriately scathing responses.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 06/04/2017 23:55

You may also need to remind her that if she is having sex, then she is putting any male at risk of prosecution of statutory rape and talk through the ramifications of that

Odd phrasing. They are engaging in behaviour that he may be prosecuted for, but surely she is not putting him at risk!

pieceofpurplesky · 06/04/2017 23:55

I had this at school (many years ago). It started as I had an older boyfriend (I was 14 he was 17) and I wouldn't have sex with him. He told everybody that I did. He went in to graphic detail about it. When confronted (by my dad ) he claimed it was because he loved me and I ended it so he wanted to hurt me like I hurt him because of his lies.
It died down eventually but three years later when i lost my virginity to my long time boyfriend he was surprised I was a virgin due to things he had heard.
It was really difficult. Luckily my parents were really supportive and made me feel valued. Tread carefully op as it could impact your DD's future

chastenedButStillSmiling · 06/04/2017 23:56

ok... so just me who's thinking that a mum should be having conversations with her daughter about relationships, love, respect, sex, birth control, consent, etc?

I have a 15 yr old, and I do get the struggle about allowing them to be an adult and still being their carer.

But you're supposed to know your child and what is going on for them.

And if you don't, why aren't you talking to school about how they think your DD is doing?

None of this has anything to do with your DD2, and she shouldn't be your source of information. And I can only think it's utterly inappropriate that this is the case.

But so far on this thread, I'm the only one who thinks this way, so please do ignore me.

IGotTheMustardOut · 06/04/2017 23:58

I had the whole school call me a slut for two years because I turned a boy down and he started horrible rumours about me. I hadn't even kissed anyone properly. The rumours followed me for years.

VestalVirgin · 07/04/2017 00:00

Odd phrasing. They are engaging in behaviour that he may be prosecuted for, but surely she is not putting him at risk!

Yes. If she actually has sex, then I'd be more worried about the risk to her.

Any older male who knowingly fucks a 15 year old deserves to get into legal trouble.

Lochan · 07/04/2017 00:01

ok... so just me who's thinking that a mum should be having conversations with her daughter about relationships, love, respect, sex, birth control, consent, etc?

Chastened I agree that a Mither should have these conversations with her DD, I just don't think they should stem from nasty (potentially false) gossip.

These conversations should be happening anyway.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 07/04/2017 00:03

Chastened no, not just you. I find it strange that you find it hard to broach the subject op. My daughter is in First year. Obviously nowhere near sexually active but she talks to me about girls in her year. We have talked about sex, contraception, losing your Virginity. I have made it very clear to her that she can come talk to me when the time comes about contraceotion and I will not scorn her but will be happy she has been mature enough to sort things like that out.

Also spoke about self respect and not be f pushed or peer pressured into sex and why it's best to wait till you are in a relationship with a boy who sees you for more than just sex.

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 07/04/2017 00:07

With your dd id bring it up whilst you are driving somewhere just the two of you. Teens often feel comfortable enough to talk then as it's not direct eye contact. I'd just say to her you were wondering if there's anything going on at school that's upsettig her and reassure her if there is she can talk to you. That covers if it's malicious. Then ask her if she has heard the rumours going round by some boys saying shes the town bike and does she know why they are saying that. Then the convo has been broached and you can lead it by her reactions.

NancyWake · 07/04/2017 00:09

Don't do what my mother did and take my sister out for lunch and ask her if she was 'sleeping around'. She was not, had not even had sex at that point.

innagazing · 07/04/2017 00:25

I'd ask to check her social media accounts, facebook, instagram and snapchat, to see what photos she may be posting of herself. Also, who she's chatting to on these apps. From what I see, a lot of young girls are being contacted by guys that have seen their photos online and it quickly becomes very inappropriate sexting and asking to meet up. I don't think these girls realise just how vulnerable they make themselves and how potentially dangerous it is.

YetAnotherSpartacus · 07/04/2017 00:28

Hope that people are also talking to sons about how they treat women ...

Sweetpea15 · 07/04/2017 01:08

I've just finished watching 13 Reasons Why and the main character gained a 'reputation' but it was all down to bullying and spite. Like someone said above, ask if there are any problems at school and just have a conversation about safe sex etc.

ShoutOutToMyEx · 07/04/2017 01:16

Yep, I was called a slut by boys when I was still a virgin. It was (and still is it seems) the insult of choice, regardless of meaning.

Atenco · 07/04/2017 01:22

Maybe a chat about sexism and misogyny would help her to process this type of treatment before it does too much damage?

This

I really belonged to an idealistic age when we thought these double standards were going to come to an end. I was shocked when my dd's friend started "getting a reputation". Girls need to know about the risks involved in "getting a reputation" so that they go into situations with their eyes open. So I would personally choose to talk to your dd about that, maybe not even mention what has been said about her, just the general misogny and double standards in this world.

LonginesPrime · 07/04/2017 01:46

Your poor DD. Whether she's sexually active or not, this is horrible and I really feel for her.

I would also take the opportunity to discuss the damage that sexist comments like this can do to women with your DS - not to tell him off, but just to educate him that it's not ok to say this about anyone or to pass judgement on others like the other boys are doing.

nooka · 07/04/2017 02:03

Not sure what the OP means by 'assuming the worst'. The worst for me would be that my dd was the target of bullying, and that's what I'd talk to her about. And yes it might be difficult to broach as it starts from gossip and comes via a younger sister.

Nothing to do with conversations about safe sex, relationships etc, as I'd assume at 15 the OP has had and continues to have conversations about this type of topic with both her dds.

innagazing · 07/04/2017 02:30

I think social media has a lot to answer for... it's just so easy for young people to hook up for casual sex with random strangers or friends of friends that they don't even know, and it seems to be pretty much the norm for a lot teenagers aged 15 or so and up.
I've recently had my eyes opened wider about the extent of it. It's risky, it's dangerous, and it's shocking-sometimes it's even older men pretending to be younger ones.

Unfortunately the double standards of girls being called sluts etc still exist as much today as it ever have, but can so easily be publicly named and shamed on social media for so many to see, which must be absolutely awful for any young girl.

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