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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To talk to teen DD about her "reputation"

69 replies

user149151553 · 06/04/2017 23:23

DD1 is 15, DD2 is 12. I'm 39. DD2 told me the other day boys at their school are saying DD1 has a bit of a reputation and asked me what a town bike is (awkward). Haven't wanted to invade DD1s privacy and have told DD2 to pay no mind and not upset DD1 with rumours. Should I broach the subject with DD1? How should I say it? I am by no means assuming the worst but would like to be in the loop

OP posts:

imNew1985 · 07/04/2017 09:46

I had a similar sort of label. I'm from an Asian family but an Asian minority in the City I grew up in - I was from a liberal Asian family so I was allowed to dress more Western and wear make up etc and cut my hair from the age of 14.

Sure enough people started labelling me - although I never had a boyfriend, I did drink alcohol - so that immediately made me 'loose' and I had older male friends (who I now see as grooming me).

I was not sexually active - I never did anything really with a man until I got to university. But people had this perception of me. Looking back the girls were jealous at my less strict parents and also in my family we did not enforce marrying in culture or religion - so once again I think people thought I was from far too a 'Western' family:

I couldn't tell my family about these labels and I was so so badly bullied. People would write things around the school - boys would make up stories about what I had done with them:

It left me very damaged and with a low self esteem. Something I'm still working on now.

The school needs to be aware and you need to support your daughter with regard to the bullying - and no matter what she's doing she needs to understand her self- worth and how very important she is to you and her family and true friends

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 07/04/2017 09:47

I can't add any more to the great advice already given, it is an absolute minefield for teenagers today! If a girl rejects a boys advances she is labelled a slut by the boys, if she happens to be very pretty/ attract more male attention than some girls/ fall out with her friends she is labelled a slut by girls. Your poor dd1, I hope that she is open to discussing the situation surrounding this with you. It could easily be that she is devastated and terrified that you won't believe her. If you approach the school be sure to mention dd2, as they are bullying her by ridiculing her sister.

Kiroro · 07/04/2017 10:01

f a girl rejects a boys advances she is labelled a slut by the boys

either a slut or a frigid bitch

SUCH a shame life is no better for teenage girls now re the massive double standards

mammmamia · 07/04/2017 10:04

Not read while thread but I find the OP's reluctance to invade her DD's privacy odd. Surely at 15 this is absolutely something you should be all over. She's not an adult yet. She needs your help and protection not your respect for her privacy.

Emboo19 · 07/04/2017 10:18

Who's been saying theses things to DD2? Is it the boys in her year, saying they've heard this about her sister? Or has she heard boys actually saying it about DD1?

Depending on which way it is, depends on which one of your Dd's is being bullied.

I don't see why you wouldn't speak to DD1, though. That would be my first thing, see if everything's ok with her and if she's having any problems at school. Also more details from DD2, who's saying it? And in what context? Is she overhearing things said or are people personally telling her stuff her sisters supposedly done.

Unfortunately, as mentioned by many above. Girls just can't seem to win, have sex they are sluts and easy, don't have sex they are a tease and frigid.
I know pretty much everyone in high school presumed I'd slept with my boyfriend, we'd been together a year and although he never said we had (as we hadn't) he did a very good job of implying we had!

Iamastonished · 07/04/2017 13:42

"SUCH a shame life is no better for teenage girls now re the massive double standards"

Not in DD's peer group. They equally scathing about the boys.

BigApple11 · 07/04/2017 13:46

Odd

Iamastonished · 07/04/2017 13:54

I was referring to double standards BTW.

Lochan · 07/04/2017 13:59

I'm just a bit disturbed that there are women on this thread whose first step reaction on hearing a rumour about a 15 year old girl is to assume that it's true.

Iamastonished · 07/04/2017 14:14

Same here. I think it is the opposite.

Miniwookie · 07/04/2017 15:09

OP hasn't come back...

Railgunner1 · 07/04/2017 15:21

when i was at school, there was one little cow who spread the rumor that 'Laura' and 'Mary' are giving blowjobs to nightclub bouncers so they'd let them in at age of 14.

in your place OP, i'd chase the ones who spread such rumours.

Rescuepuppydaft2 · 07/04/2017 15:49

Oh yes kiroro, I spent my youth being called a frigid/ cock tease/ ice queen because I refused to have sex with anyone (I was a virgin until I met dh when I was twenty). My own Mother was shocked when she found out and I am sure she thought I had a 'reputation'.

I was also called several names which implied promiscuity. None of which were justified..... I am utterly depressed to realise that not only has nothing changed they now have a wider platform to share their vicious lies on.....
I have been working hard to make my children feel OK about approaching me with anything. So far so good....

Good luck op, I hope that your daughter feels able to share her worries with you. I know I would want to string up the little b*ards who are spreading these lies!

Christmastree43 · 07/04/2017 16:01

I had the exact same experience at school around ages of 14-16 - was called a slag etc shouted at to get your tits out by boys. I was a complete virgin and had never even kissed a boy! I have no idea why they do it

Worst thing was my dad worked with some of these boys' dads and he heard the most outrageous rumours. My mum asked me about them and said I don't want to be known as the town bike - to be honest I held it against her for a very long time, perhaps even a tiny bit to this day, that she thought I would do those things and was that sort of person. Now I realise there's nothing wrong with being sexual etc but when you are 14 or 15 and everyone at school is calling you nasty makes it seems like the end of the world - let alone to have your own mother think it so no OP please do not bring it up with her

As a follow up, when I eventually did get a boyfriend at age 17 he genuinely couldn't believe that I had never had sex let alone even kissed someone! When I said well who have i done it/ anything with? he came up blank and realised how little truth there was in it. Just shows how big rumours can become.

So so sad that this is still an almost universal experience for teen girls

inspiredbutohsotired · 07/04/2017 16:08

Tread carefully and don't judge. I remember having my first kiss at 14 at a party on a Saturday, by Monday it'd turned into something completely vile and different and I was called a 'slag' for the rest of the year. One girl even asked if I'd slept with her boyfriend because she heard the rumour.
It could all just be awful teenagers saying awful things and could be damaging her confidence.

Original poster

user149151553 · 07/04/2017 18:27

Sorry for late response everyone & thanks for your input - to clarify the rumours are coming from boys in DD2s year, many of whom have brothers/sisters/cousins etc in DD1s year (small town life).
Re what I said about "thinking the worst" - meant that DD1 had done something she'd regretted and was getting stick for it making it harder still.
Comments about why wouldn't I talk to her, why don't I talk to her already - of course I talk to her but this is clearly something she's either not even aware of or has tried to hide from me. I remember my outrage when I was 15 when my parents listened in to my conversations on the other landline phone upstairs and didn't want to invade her privacy in the same way unless it's really necessary. We have a mutual trust that I wouldn't go trawling through her social media etc as long as she told me the most important things (like this).
Consensus and most sensible option seems tentative probing - "how's school? Anything you need to tell me?" And mainly not being a ragey judgemental dick about it (which I never would I'm just worried)

OP posts:

NancyWake · 07/04/2017 21:19

I wouldn't assume she's 'done' anything, it could be based on nothing at all.

limitedperiodonly · 08/04/2017 00:32

Are these boys at your daughter's school? If so I would go straight to the head about it. It's bullying.

limitedperiodonly · 08/04/2017 00:38

^^ after discussing it with her, of course. I'd still report bullying though. Sometimes at 15 you're a people-pleaser.

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