Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To talk to teen DD about her "reputation"

69 replies

user149151553 · 06/04/2017 23:23

DD1 is 15, DD2 is 12. I'm 39. DD2 told me the other day boys at their school are saying DD1 has a bit of a reputation and asked me what a town bike is (awkward). Haven't wanted to invade DD1s privacy and have told DD2 to pay no mind and not upset DD1 with rumours. Should I broach the subject with DD1? How should I say it? I am by no means assuming the worst but would like to be in the loop

OP posts:
PyongyangKipperbang · 07/04/2017 02:33

FYI

Statutory Rape is not a prosecutable offence in the UK.

It is an American law not a UK law. A person over the age of 16 could be prosecuted for having sex with a child over 13 but under 16 (classed as sexual activity with a child) but that is very unlikely to happen if the other person is within a couple of years of her age and it was consensual.

If a child under the age of 13 has sex, regardless of consent given, it will be classed as rape of a child under the age of 13 but it is not referred to a Statutory Rape.

Every time there is a thread about under age sex someone peddles this crap and I really wish that they would educate themselves instead of watching US legal/police drama shows.

PyongyangKipperbang · 07/04/2017 02:38

Oh and ime of having teenage girls and having been labelled myself, its the ones who dont have sex with anyone who get labelled usually by lads who tried it on and got turned down so they say that she did have sex and get her labelled a slag rather than admit she told him to sod off.

Twas ever thus :(

I was a "slut" at 14, my mother heard about it and believed it and said that she wasnt surprised. I was a virgin until I was nearly 17, but when I finally left home I didnt speak to my mother for 10 years. That did surprise her.

ittakes2 · 07/04/2017 04:45

I had a boy bully me at school calling me names etc for years because I had not wanted to have sex with him. I was from a religious family and a virgin the entire time so it was frustrating.
Suggest you speak to the school to get their perspective on how to deal with this as a first step - unfort I'm sure they deal with these things all the time.
I'm sorry for you and your daughter - regardless of your daughter's sex life or not - she is being bullied and it could get worse for her if not stopped.

frumpet · 07/04/2017 06:57

Still ! boys are still doing this ? Aaaargh !

I would be so tempted to prime her with some nasty retorts regardling perormance and penis size . In reality though I would be talking to her about what I had heard and showing solidarity in the face of such misogynistic fuckwits .

corythatwas · 07/04/2017 06:59

"ok... so just me who's thinking that a mum should be having conversations with her daughter about relationships, love, respect, sex, birth control, consent, etc?"

Do we know that the OP hasn't? Surely those conversations are a completely different thing from the current situation of rumours/bullying.

I have had absolutely no difficulty in discussing contraceptives, boyfriends, consent, love with dd. All positive, sensible, unembarrassing conversations. But going up to her and informing her that her sibling tells me that there are these nasty rumours going round about her- I'd find that very difficult. And unfortunately that is the conversation that needs to be held here: not about how she should behave in relationship but does she know what her friends are saying behind her back.

user1487175389 · 07/04/2017 07:01

I'd get names from dd2 and go straight to the school and demand and end to the sexual bullying of girls on school premises. Get a copy of their anti bullying policy to read through first. That will give you an idea of their legal obligations to children in their care and the process that should be followed.

icanteven · 07/04/2017 07:18

There's lots of really good advice here, especially the emphasis on the fact that it's highly likely your DD1 hasn't done anything at all, beyond reject the advances of a spotty, Lynx-doused teenaged boy.

I think that user1487175389 make a very important point though. Your daughter is being bullied, in a particular way that will "stick" to her for possibly years to come, and now that you know, you have a responsibility to go to the school and find out what they intend to do to stamp out sexual bullying.

Crumbs1 · 07/04/2017 07:24

I'd be having a conversation with my daughter. I'd be looking at her social media. I'd be looking at her phone and checking who she was meeting up with. Of course the 'reputation' is sexist, unpleasant and may be bullying but old adage says no smoke without fire and if my daughter was behaving in a way that earned her an unpleasant reputation, I'd want to know the detail. She's only fifteen so needs protection from either false allegations/bullying/nasty sexist culture or she needs protection from her high risk behaviour.

HashiAsLarry · 07/04/2017 07:26

Definitely have a word with DD2 about the language being used and how its not appropriate. I can't tell you how best to approach your DD1 but I'd like to add my voice to the others on here that the reputation may not be based in any fact.

I was bullied horrendously during school and around 15 I had a reputation like that thanks to them. It couldn't have been further from the truth. But I was used to it by then. What hurt me was DM believed it because my sister had reported it to her, and she was a massive bully herself friendly with some of the bullies so it became 'fact'.

elkegel · 07/04/2017 07:31

Talk to the school.

I was called a slag and other names because I had the temerity to have 34C breasts by the age of 13. It's sexual bullying and they should take it very seriously.

londonrach · 07/04/2017 07:34

Bullying. In my experience boys use that word and others on the girls who turned them down. Approach careful...are you happy at school etc

Iamastonished · 07/04/2017 07:48

DD was talked about because she turned a boy down, so I doubt that your daughter is up to anything.

"I find it strange that you find it hard to broach the subject op"

I don't. I have always been open with DD, but she finds it excruciatingly embarrassing to talk about anything like that with me. Even when she was at primary school and I wanted her to learn about the facts of life she just didn't want to know. In the end I knew I would make things worse, and knowing that the school would probably deal with it in a better way than I could I let the school do it.

Afterwards I asked her if she had learned anything new that day and she said no. Honestly, she really won't discuss anything personal with me at all.

HeddaGarbled · 07/04/2017 07:53

Are you sure your 12 year old isn't just trying to get her sister into trouble?

Mulledwine1 · 07/04/2017 07:58

A person over the age of 16 could be prosecuted for having sex with a child over 13

There was a case a couple of years ago where a 16 year old was prosecuted for having sex with his 15 years and 49ish week old girlfriend. The judge expressed displeasure that the case had been brought. It absolutely does happen.

I have never heard the expression "town bike"!

I also think she's more likely to be talked about because she's not having sex, not because she is. I was also called frigid etc.

springflowers11 · 07/04/2017 07:59

I actually think other insecure/jealous girls who are much worse than boys for the slut-shaming

TheKrakenSmith · 07/04/2017 08:05

I second reading/watching 13 reasons why. An absolutely harrowing cautionary tale.

MewlingQuim · 07/04/2017 08:08

no smoke without fire Hmm

According to my classmates I worked as a prostitute. In fact there are probably people in my home town who still believe i was a teenage prostitute.

It was so far from the truth it was hilarious. For a while. Then it wasn't funny at all Sad

cece · 07/04/2017 08:17

This happened to me at school in the 80s after I refused to have sex with my boyfriend. We split up and he told everyone, in graphic detail, about all the sex we had had. None of it was true but everyone believed him and not me.

frenchfancy · 07/04/2017 08:24

I agree with everyone else - this is bullying. If you want to assume the worse then watch 13 reasons why. I am not giving away any spoilers to tell you the girl is dead - you find that out in the first 5 minutes.

You DD needs help, and may even need to change schools. I would take this VERY seriously.

NoFuckingRoomOnMyBroom · 07/04/2017 08:28

Ffs, this is utter bollocks for your DD. I would be speaking to both girls about this-what the term means & precisely why it shouldn't be used Hmm

SlapperPJ · 07/04/2017 08:31

Please also tell her (gently) what has been said. If not she will be unaware of the (most probably untrue) rumours going about her - which could put her in a very unpleasant, awkward situation she could have been prepared for.

A similar thing happened to me - but my sister didn't tell me what was being said. I knew stuff was rumbling - the odd nasty giggle/snigger/look but had no idea what - was horrible and tbh I was imagining/stewing over it for days. It did eventually come out in the open but I was totally blindsided when the accusations came to my face a few days later. If I had been prepared I would have had some ammunition/retorts.

What sh has/hasn't done is irrelevant. Dealing with the nasty bully is.

Snotgobbler99 · 07/04/2017 08:55

This is bullying but - although your dd2 says it's boys saying these things - she doesn't necessarily know the real source of the rumours. It could be the boys, it could be the girls, it could be a mixture. Rejected boys say these kinds of things but jealous girls say them too...

As an ex secondary teacher, I can say from experience that girls bully just as much as boys, so keep an open mind as to the source (and how it's been transmitted to dd2).

Approach dd1 very carefully as others have suggested (Are things ok at school?). She may open up to you, in which case you must approach the school following guidance from the school bullying policy. If you do, don't be put off by any shilly-shallying on their part - some schools/teachers hate dealing with bullying because it undermines their high opinion of themselves.
However, it's equally likely that dd1 deny any problems and you'll need to assess her response. If she denies any problems but gets upset, you may be forced to approach the school without her backing. Again, don't get fobbed off.

Finally, whatever happens, thank dd2 and validate her actions. If the rumours are true, tell her that you're taking it up with the school and explain what's happening. Show her that you're going about things in the right way - it's important that you do this for both of your dd's.

specialsubject · 07/04/2017 09:16

I'm also guessing that your elder daughter refused some little boy who watches porn and thinks he has a right to sex. Even if he knew how to do it.

But even if she has slept with the entire year (dont think so!!) This is bullying and needs to be raised with the school.

TeaQuiero · 07/04/2017 09:28

You do need to have a chat and find out what's going on.

If it's all malicious gossip and bullying, that needs to be tackled.

And if she is sexually active, you need to ensure she's aware of the risks of the laws around age, of the laws around taking and distributing explicit photos (can fall under the category of 'creating pornography'), STD risks, contraception and so on.

It could also be a good chance to find out if she's happy. If she's happy and consenting, then sure, that's fine. However I knew girls at school who were sexually active and profoundly unhappy. Pressured by older boyfriends, or having sex with near-strangers in an effort to be popular. It was upsetting for them and a guiding hand might have been welcomed.

OhhBetty · 07/04/2017 09:40

I got this when I was younger than your daughter. I think a lot of it came from having D breasts aged 13. A girl who bullied me told her mum about the rumours as she knew she would tell my mum. My mum went mad at me, didn't even give me a chance to respond. I felt like everyone say me like that anyway so I started having sex at 14.
It is only recently (age 26) that I have realised I am worth more than my body and don't allow myself to be pressured. I had such a warped sense of how I should be treated and what my value was because of all this. I fully believe it contributed to staying in two relationships where I was raped or sexually assaulted regularly as I thought this was just how all men are.
The guy I am seeing now is the first one who has never pressured me into doing something I don't want to do.
So whatever you do be gentle about it. Teach her and you other children about sex, consent, protection, sexism etc. It may be that she is aware of the rumours and is glad to have someone to talk through it with. The rumours are likely to have upset her so tell her she will come through this stronger and more resilient than before.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.