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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to social media until secondary school?

139 replies

Dancergirl · 06/04/2017 20:20

Dd is 10, Year 5. Some of her friends are now using social media such as musical.ly, Instagram and Snapchat. Dd is asking me if she can too but I feel uncomfortable about it as I think it's too young. I don't see the rush to start.

I've said no to any social media until secondary school. AIBU?

OP posts:
HearTheThunderRoar · 10/04/2017 07:55

I am quite shocked reading this thread how common social media is now mainstream in Primary Schools, my dd isn't that old (she's 18 next month) but even when she was in Primary no one in her year had social media, I think they had blogger!

DD has had a number of issues in the past couple of years in regards to bullying and exclusion through social media so maybe that has made me more cautious.

frums · 10/04/2017 07:57

My Dd isbyear 6 and none of her friends have social media. Nor do any of my friends' children in primary schools. I find this thread sad and extraordinary.

A study published yesterday showed social media makes children more prone to depression, jealousy and isolation. Why expose them to that so young?

Sweets101 · 10/04/2017 08:04

I have no intention of letting DC's have SM until mid teens at the earliest. I don't think it's unrealistic Confused i know teens from 14-17 who are perfectly happy without FB and Instagram!

beingsunny · 10/04/2017 08:07

Have you thought about perhaps allowing it now so it isn't such a novelty when the big move to secondary school comes around?

He will be able to settle into something which for this generation is an inevitable part of their lives at a slower pace and can spend this year learning and getting over the initial excitement.

Hulababy · 10/04/2017 08:20

Re Facebook/SM ages - you can edit your birthdate so actually there's no reason for a child to suddenly be hit by 18+ advertising at age 14/15. Besides the advertising is based on your own internet use on the whole - I've never had any dodgy or inappropriate advertising come up on my FB.

Not SM use til 18 is ridiculous and also worrying. It will lead to young people have secret accounts, no monitoring going on and also no outlet to parents if things went wrong.

It comes from the point of view of an older adult with no real First hand SM experience.
Having done some quite heavy online safety courses and conferences in recent years I wish that the only people allowed to run such courses were people with proper experience of actually using them, as well as monitoring issues that have arisen from them. Some of the scare mongering from people with limited first hand knowledge of SM is far worse than he actual risks of using it!

somewhereovertherain · 10/04/2017 08:25

It was 13 for us before social media and mobiles but they where both the last in there years to get either - now 14 and 16.

lizzyj4 · 10/04/2017 08:26

My youngest son has used the internet since he was 7 yo, but he didn't have any social media until 13, which seems to me about the right age. Now he has instagram and twitter but hardly uses them and can't see what all the fuss is about.

Hulababy · 10/04/2017 08:26

*It's 13 for a reason.

Yes and that reason is US data protection reasons not whether it is appropriate or not. For the same reason Minecraft has the same age limit for opening an account.

Ameliablue · 10/04/2017 08:36

Welshmoth, I've never seen anything inappropriate. My DD only uses it privately with close friends. Other than conversations involving just emojis, there is nothing that wouldn't be said face to face. In fact they are probably more careful that nothing can be misconstrued.

itsmine · 10/04/2017 08:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Voice0fReason · 10/04/2017 10:42

Darbs76 that story is tragic, but it wasn't the internet or social media that caused the girl to kill herself. You said yourself, she was living in horrible conditions - that was the cause of her problems.

WelshMoth there was one incident of bullying that my DS came to me about. I had a look and reported it to the school. It was dealt with very quickly.
There was one dodgy private message on a forum that again, my DS told me about. I reported it and showed him how to report things like that if he needed to in the future. The message was deleted and the user banned.
I have never seen anything else that's been of any concern. My kids have always discussed general issues with me so we have talked about how to handle things they don't feel comfortable with.
If I did become aware of something particularly concerning, I would let the parents know if they were friends, or let the school know if not.

I"m a responsible adult, with a degree and a good job. Before meeting DH, I was effectively cat fished on social media for two years.
So age and intelligence did not protect you. Making children wait until they are adults will not protect them. Teaching them what to look out for is the only way of helping people protect themselves. You were conned because you did not know the risks and the warning signs. Keeping children away from SM is exactly what will make them vulnerable to the same thing that you fell for. Telling them that the internet is dangerous will not protect them.

MsGameandWatch · 10/04/2017 10:44

I let ds on at age 12. He barely uses it to be honest. Reads a lot of Twitter but never on FB or Instagram, he's 14 now.

MsGameandWatch · 10/04/2017 10:48

Sorry posted too soon, he's pretty self regulating and I told him without unnecessary detail about Breck Bednar and how dangerous it can be to get too involved on social media and gaming platforms.

Dd plays games on the iPad - moviestarplanet and roboblox which have other gamers on she knows to block immediately anyone who asks how old she is or what she looks like. She is 10.

sirfredfredgeorge · 10/04/2017 10:58

There's a reason why the minimum age for Facebook is 13

There is, but it's nothing to do with the appropriateness of facebook or otherwise, it's purely to do with how facebook couldn't realisitically meet the terms of a US law on collecting personal information and marketing to under 13's.

There are lots of good reasons why younger children shouldn't be on SM, there's also reasons why older ones shouldn't, 13 isn't some number that has been carefully considered. There's also an argument that slow introduction and education of social media is sensible, and some big bang at 13 (when COPPA means kids are free to share personal information without parental consent) is not a great one.

HaveCourageAndBeKind · 10/04/2017 10:59

YADNBU. I also have a 10 year old year 5 child. None of mine are having access to social media prior to the approved age on the app! Being adolescent is hard enough without social media pressure.

JacquesHammer · 10/04/2017 11:02

Parents who want to fob these tools off for as long as possible are fighting against a surging tide of parents who really feel strongly that their DC must have the latest gadget. Certainly in my DD's school, they are socialising with children who have their own tablets and iPods and in one particularly fucking crazy situation, a 5 year old was bought her own iPhone

My DD has had her own iphone since she was 7.

Part of being allowed that is she has learnt quite easily when/where it is appropriate to use it. She enjoys listening to music on long journeys, taking pictures when out for the day, messaging her family.

RE social media - she knows she won't be allowed any until 13 because I instilled in her the importance of not lying about her age. She is happy with that.

She has a whatsapp account with 5/6 numbers on. None of her friends. She gets to learn how to use the app and have fun without any concern for any of the less delightful aspects of social media.

WelshMoth · 10/04/2017 11:16

Jacques I will probably follow your lead with my DD's but will
Probably wait until their older.

If all parents were proactively responsible about these gadgets, then I probably wouldn't feel like this.

Perhaps interestingly, both DH and I are teachers and we see the trouble it causes right at the coalface. It probably explains why we are so against SM.

WelshMoth · 10/04/2017 11:16

*they're

sirfredfredgeorge · 10/04/2017 11:24

*she knows she won't be allowed any until 13 because I instilled in her the importance of not lying about her age. She is happy with that.

She has a whatsapp account with 5/6 numbers on*

So how exactly have you taught her about not lying about her age ?(Whatsapp of course also has a 13 age limit - it all comes from COPPA)

relaxo · 10/04/2017 11:32

OP, did you know that you can download apps with Snapchat type filters? (I'm assuming that it's a major plus for her.) MSQRD, Boo!, Snow are some of the apps available.

JacquesHammer · 10/04/2017 11:35

So how exactly have you taught her about not lying about her age ?(Whatsapp of course also has a 13 age limit - it all comes from COPPA)

The legalities surrounding the age limit come from opening an account. The whatsapp was already on the phone given it was an old one of ex-DH's, opened by an over-13. She has taken on his old number.

We agreed she could keep the account because it means under Wi-fi she can text people and not use her minimal allowance.

We have explained the distinction to her - that we are trusting her to use an already open account but we won't allow her to open new social media accounts until she is 13. She understands and accepts that perfectly.

sirfredfredgeorge · 10/04/2017 11:51

JacquesHammer But the rules are not about opening an account, they're about using the service, you've not taught her anything about lying. Your approach may be reasonable, but the justification is bollocks.

relaxo · 10/04/2017 11:53

I have teens who got SM when they left primary schools. They were happy to use SM under my guidance for y7 then have been unsupervised afterwards. There was drama in the early days and they learned a lot about their friends and how to behave online that lectures from teachers and parents could never teach.

My younger teen is a SM fan and I'd like to think that the collaborative approach means that she is more likely to discuss what's going on with her friends. She has one friend whose mum was determined to get her dd's to 13 before they got SM but caved in after 3 months of y7 when her dd said that she didn't want to lie to her mum so would make an account whether or not her mum approved. I think that my dd won't understand how lucky our generation was that a minuscule fraction of our mistakes are digitally recorded. Kids these days have all sorts recorded- bad makeup, swearing, their crushes, bad skin days... There's going to come a day where a prime minister or president's ice bucket challenge video or Kylie Jenner Challenge pic will be available. Weird right? Then they'll realise how scary this all is and that it could easily go wrong for them as adults.

JacquesHammer · 10/04/2017 12:01

But the rules are not about opening an account, they're about using the service, you've not taught her anything about lying. Your approach may be reasonable, but the justification is bollocks.

The rules are regarding US data protection when signing up the account and the holding of data of minors. Not usage

JacquesHammer · 10/04/2017 12:04

I was at a really interesting seminar last year surrounding age limits on social media with the head of FB Ireland. It was really fascinating