Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to social media until secondary school?

139 replies

Dancergirl · 06/04/2017 20:20

Dd is 10, Year 5. Some of her friends are now using social media such as musical.ly, Instagram and Snapchat. Dd is asking me if she can too but I feel uncomfortable about it as I think it's too young. I don't see the rush to start.

I've said no to any social media until secondary school. AIBU?

OP posts:
Voice0fReason · 07/04/2017 20:04

he made me promise last month not to let the kids on social media until they are 18
a simple statement intended to provoke thought and caution
That wasn't a statement to provoke thought and caution, it was a statement intended to provoke fear. It is such bad advice. It implies that social media is so dangerous that children cannot be taught to use it safely and there is no positive aspect to it. It ignores how children communicate these days. It ignores the fact that it is completely unworkable and if you try to impose such draconian measures, your kids are far more likely to have secret accounts and it puts them at a much higher risk because they will have no parental guidance as they learn. They will also not be able to come to you to talk about anything that they are concerned about because they have already broken the rules by having the account in the first place.

My young adult sons still talk to me about social media and what's going on in their social group online. We discuss various issues quite a lot. I think I've done a pretty good job of teaching them to keep themselves safe. There was a small bullying issue once a few years ago but that was resolved fairly quickly and helping my DS deal with that situation himself has helped him learn how to respond to any future issues.

metalmum15 · 07/04/2017 20:11

Ricotta You can drive at 17 in the UK.

christinarossetti · 07/04/2017 20:23

My dd's friend ( both 10 yes old) asked for the WiFi password the moment she stepped into the house for a sleepover with 3 other friends.

She had bought her i-pad.

I said sorry, it's broken as there's no way I'm condoning that.

I hear a lot about sm though work, and I'm becoming hard pressed to see any pluses for younger teenagers. Is feeling left out worse than being cyber bullied or groomed? I'm not convinced.

HelenaGWells · 07/04/2017 20:46

My eldest is 12 1/2, my eldest niece is 15. Neither my kids nor any of my nieces are on social media. Not everyone lets their kids go on. It causes so much hassle and stress our answer is no. The eldest has a phone, she can play games on it and she can call or text her friends. She has zero need for social media.

WelshMoth · 07/04/2017 20:47

My school has recently excluded a pupil for 2 days after a photoshopped pic of a teacher was bounced around FB. When I took the Reg and excluded kid's name came up, his friends took great delight in telling me what he did. The WHOLE class laughed in great hilarity, and this from a class I really like and trust (Year 9's).

the look of cold disgust on my face shut them all up sharpish and I tore into them about boundaries and respect and what's appropriate. Many pupils responded by saying that their parents found it funny and that school was being unreasonable. When parents don't set standards and respect guidelines, their children think it's normal behaviour. I bloody hate SM since we now have generations of people forgetting how to behave with respect to others.

goodpiemissedthechips · 07/04/2017 20:59

welshmoth that's pretty shocking. I bet the parents wouldn't have thought it quite so funny if it happened to them in their own workplaces Hmm

frogsgoladidahdidah · 07/04/2017 21:22

Voice

Thank you for your further thoughts on my post.

I say thought provoking and caution.

You say fear.

Whatever, we do not need to agree.

I am glad to read that you have managed to achieve openness with your young adult children, but that does not make you the absolute expert here. You can disagree respectfully...

I, prefer to listen to the underlying message my dad was giving me. I think his experience in the darker side of social media is much more important to take into consideration than someone who seems determined to pick a fight, or win a discussion that is just not about winning, more sharing opinions.

And so, whilst we might not make it all the way to 18, I will be trying my hardest to keep my children away from it for as long as possible.

But I shall remember your comments for when I reach that point.
Smile

WelshMoth · 07/04/2017 21:31

Yes, staff are reeling. Parents think that because the pic wasn't 'rude' that it's somehow ok.

They just don't see the line.

frogsgoladidahdidah · 07/04/2017 21:33

Moth that is absolutely appalling. So upsetting!

aquashiv · 07/04/2017 21:33

No social media until 13....at least.

StarUtopia · 08/04/2017 21:45

I"m a responsible adult, with a degree and a good job. Before meeting DH, I was effectively cat fished on social media for two years.

Prior to this happening, I would have said, so long as you are safe/check what they're writing etc etc. The fact that I, as a switched on adult, could be conned (and basically speaking to someone who wasn't who they said they were) for two years (he also added my mum on FB I might add, who also chatted to him for a bit!) tells me that the internet is dangerous.

Caution is needed. Allowing young children access to social media is the equivilent of telling them to go and play on the M6!

Bullying is another good reason to keep them off it.

Find your kids some hobbies! Kids who are elite in sports or music don't really have time or the inclination to be wasting hours on social media.

Ameliablue · 09/04/2017 07:03

It was my kids hobbies that made her want access to social media, to keep in touch with team mates outside of training.

Social media encompasses a large number of services, so having rules and using it sensibly is important. My DD use WhatsApp Snapchat and musically but only privately with good friends. She isn't allowed to change passwords without telling me so that i can spot check.

exLtEveDallas · 09/04/2017 08:13

Find your kids some hobbies! Kids who are elite in sports or music don't really have time or the inclination to be wasting hours on social media

My social media using 12 year old plays two sports for the County and has a third hobby just for her. She is excelling in her school work and has a ton of homework most nights.

She still has the inclination and the time to 'waste' on Social Media and has a better group of friends as a result.

Scaremongering and generalisations help no-one.

sweetcarolines · 09/04/2017 08:59

Yanbu... stay away from it for as long as possible.. forever if you can!
It's so blooming dangerous and a breeding ground for bullies. I dread the day my dd asks for it and I know it's coming soon!

QueenArnica · 09/04/2017 09:14

I resisted for dd until she was 13 and then she was allowed Instagram (she had musically in Year 7). The deal is that her account is private and dh and I can look at her account whenever we want to.

I think what's app group chats can be a bit of a minefield so she has group chats with her close friends but has agreed that being on the form chat is more trouble than it's worth! I'm a primary school teacher and some of my Year 3 kids have instagram, you tube channels which smacks of parents just not being able to say no.

madamginger · 09/04/2017 09:43

My dc are in yr 3 and 5 and I've said no to SM, especially for DD in yr 5. She's asked for Snapchat and musically as some of her friends have them but I've put my foot down, she's far to young and she's had issues at school with some of the other girls already.
They both have roblox but they are only friends with each other, and they play it on the family computer so we can monitor it.

WelshMoth · 09/04/2017 15:54

Parents who want to fob these tools off for as long as possible are fighting against a surging tide of parents who really feel strongly that their DC must have the latest gadget. Certainly in my DD's school, they are socialising with children who have their own tablets and iPods and in one particularly fucking crazy situation, a 5 year old was bought her own iPhone.

I found out when she whipped it out in the middle of a darkened cinema to play with it and she refused to engage with me because I took it off her. That conversation with her Mum didn't end well. Confused

Anyway, DD11 will be having a mobile in the Summer to prepare her for Comp but we are incredibly in the minority, sadly.

I agree that lots of adults and children use SM responsibly but I constantly see folk glued to phones (went to a restaurant last night and a couple didn't get off their own individual screens, even to eat. At another table was a large party of 3 families and all 7 children bar 2 were playing on devices). Where was the interaction? The social skills? It's so wrong.

Gilly12345 · 09/04/2017 18:36

My twin girls were 16 when they both had facebook, I started years ago and they weren't interested as they were both more interested in studying and used text to keep in touch with friends. Just after Prom and the completion of GCSEs they both joined as a way of keeping in touch with friends as their Academy didn't have a Sixth Form and everyone was going to different places and apprenticeships etc. I don't understand these parents who allow young ones to join social chat sights, they are young for such a short time.

lorisparkle · 09/04/2017 18:55

I work with teenagers and see first hand the negative effect social media is having on them especially their mental health. I also have a colleague in primary who has had police involvement because of the things year 5 and 6 pupils are involved in. We have many many chats with our ds and I thought they had a really good understanding of social media and one of them used his real name and age on roblox. So I am keeping them well away from social media for as long as possible.

Thissideof40 · 09/04/2017 19:02

My DD had it from late on in year 6. TBH I hate that kids are growing up with social media as the norm now. There can be some nastiness on there even between friends particularly on snapchat and Instagram's direct messaging.

I go through DD's phone regularly and unbeknown to her I unfollow her friends that post what I consider to be inappropriate material.

One girl she's friends with on Facebook writes posts like 'if you like this status then you think I should die' or 'I'm really ugly - like if you agree'. I mean wtaf?? So she's been unfollowed as I don't need those sorts of ideas entering my DD's head.

WelshMoth · 09/04/2017 21:10

Can I ask those parents who's DC use SM a question please? If you monitor usage and spot something inappropriate like the pp mentioned, do you alert parents about what their DC are posting?

kathmacc · 10/04/2017 00:09

I hate the internet. When I had a project from school I had to go to the library,find info,etc. My children have all the info they need at their fingertips yet at every available opportunity they will watch some idiot on YouTube opening a packet of something or other or watch them playing a game -how could something so good become so toxic so quickly?

987flowers · 10/04/2017 00:09

Instagram causes so many issues in schools with bullying, my Y6 won't be using it. Some of her friends are on it, accounts are public and all you see are these 10/11 yr olds seeking self validation- rate me etc and so called friends writing awful things underneath.

This said she has musical.y but private and shares nothing and is friends with no one so it's basically an app that allows her to make videos with her sister! Thankfully she doesn't want others to see any way so it's not an issue!

I'm dreading the move to secondary school as no doubt she'll have pressure to join these sites.

Darbs76 · 10/04/2017 00:24

Did anyone follow the story of the American girl age 12 who hung herself live on a social media video chat site? She had been given a phone just about a month before, she was living in horrible conditions and basically left to look after her younger siblings whilst mother was up to God know what. She documented all this and someone posted all the videos to YouTube afterwards. It was tragic. She had a boyfriend on there who lived miles away but he was much older and seems broke up with her the afternoon she did it. She took 10 mins setting it all up with the camera on this live feed (not Facebook another site popular with teens) and sone people were actually encouraging her. I spoke about this with my Ds who is 12 as a warning of how dangerous the Internet can be. Terrible tragedy which really got to me. The actual video was posted all over the Internet and teens were actually watching it. Sad sad story. RIP Katelyn

exLtEveDallas · 10/04/2017 07:23

@WelshMoth If you monitor usage and spot something inappropriate like the pp mentioned, do you alert parents about what their DC are posting?

If you mean the 'rates' stuff then no.
Bad language, no.
Pouty photos, no.
Bullying - yes (and have reported the account which led to its removal)

Thankfully DD hasn't been on the end or involved in of any of the nastiness that PPs have seen. One minor issue in Year 6 that was very quickly sorted (by an older sibling, not me). Maybe DD is just lucky, but for her the Internet and Social Media has been a good thing and I'm very happy with it.