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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To say no to social media until secondary school?

139 replies

Dancergirl · 06/04/2017 20:20

Dd is 10, Year 5. Some of her friends are now using social media such as musical.ly, Instagram and Snapchat. Dd is asking me if she can too but I feel uncomfortable about it as I think it's too young. I don't see the rush to start.

I've said no to any social media until secondary school. AIBU?

OP posts:
Willyoujustbequiet · 07/04/2017 11:57

Dancer she's not on fb. I wouldn't allow that at 11 but I'm happy with her use of instagram.

Her teacher was encouraging yes, as long as the parents police it. We have a parents whatsapp group where anything that raises cause for concern is discussed. It seems to have worked really well.

My dd has grown in confidence. On balance its been very positive.

frogsgoladidahdidah · 07/04/2017 11:58

Voice I think 'downright stupid' is a bit harsh, and I recognise that 18 might be a. It of a push, but also I value my dad's experience and opinion rather highly, which is why I chose to share it. I know (through my mum) that he has worked on some pretty horrific cases. Perhaps you are taking it too literally, and not getting the point?

We do not live in a social media obsessed part of the world. We use whatsapp to communicate with our immediate family (spread across several continents) and Facebook for friends. Mumsnet is my guilty pleasure. Culturally it is just not a massive thing here, none of our friends or their kids are overly interested in their tablets/phones. I plan on guiding my teens in a similar model to those around me.
We have noticed UK culture is very 'digital', and it does scare me but not DH (who works in IT).

Emboo19 · 07/04/2017 12:03

My dd's only a baby so god know what willing available to her as a teen or how I'll go about restricting it!!

But I'm only 19, so it wasn't all that long ago when I was in high school. What I would say is, make sure you are open with your teens/pre teens that they can come to you with anything at all!
Respect that they are growing up, talk to them about why they want social media, and the dangers it can open them up to.

Trust in them and in your self as a parent, not all children are ready at the same age. You know your kids best.

And be realistc, all you have to do is change your date of birth and have a email address and you can get any social media. I know a lot of people in high school who didn't have Facebook/instagram etc but they did!!
And honestly I think that leaves then far more vunerable than if their parents know they have it!

mamaduckbone · 07/04/2017 12:07

We have let ds1 have Instagram since he went into year 6. He knows we keep an eye on it and he only uses it to message friends to meet up and watch daft vines, generally. He doesn't post much himself and doesn't enter into any of the SM nonsense that some of his friends are already engaged in. The danger is if you're too restrictive, they will find a way to get onto SM anyway, so teaching responsible use is better than banning it outright. Ds isn't allowed devices in his bedroom and we have to know his code. I still think y5 is a bit young though.

Whitelisbon · 07/04/2017 12:10

My dd is 14, and I've just deleted all of her sm accounts, due to the trouble it has caused. Bullying, bitching, sexual harassment, you name it, and they all think it's normal.
She's become much more pleasant in the short while it's been gone, and she knows it'll be at least a year before she's allowed any of it back.
Think carefully before you allow any of it, and jeep a very very close eye in it all, it gets out of hand very quickly in my experience.

Amockingjayhey · 07/04/2017 12:11

YANBU at all.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 07/04/2017 12:13

Whatsapp isn't a problem.

SuperPug · 07/04/2017 12:16

Most teenagers/ pre teens will be fairly responsible with it and it's difficult being left out of conversations etc.
However, if more people saw the awful problems it creates in secondary school and the aftermath of these, they'd probably think twice about this. This does sound like exaggeration but I cannot believe how teens who are normally sensible can be so irresponsible when it comes to this.
The only thing that really got through to them was a visit from the police at a previous school, emphasising that nothing is ever completely deleted.

CauliflowerSqueeze · 07/04/2017 12:17

It's easy to say not to add people you don't know but it's really easy to outwit a 12 year old

"Hey there, is (insert very common name) in your year group?"

"Yes (he/she) is!!"

"Oh cool, I'm her brother and I go to (insert name of next door school)!"

"Oh really - isn't Jack in year 9?"

"Yes he sits in front of me in (insert name of school subject"

Kids then think they know the person - brother of a friend etc.

No FB till 13 at least.

Original poster
Dancergirl · 07/04/2017 12:17

I'm amazed kids still using Facebook! I thought that was for old people now! Grin

OP posts:
Emboo19 · 07/04/2017 12:28

In my peer group, Facebook is generally used for closed groups, event/club nights etc and keeping in touch with relatives.

If your child has a phone with access to a camera and messaging services and Internet. Then true fully restricting the other stuff is probably a bit pointless!

Voice0fReason · 07/04/2017 13:07

Tho there is a few in her class that I imagine are. They are the same kids that dance around the school disco in heels, full make up and crop tops. Judge away at me for judging. And tell me I'm wrong.
You are wrong. My boys have never worn high heels and make-up.
But you're still wrong, even for girls. It's not all about image, it's about communication as well. People use it for different things.

frogs I do think it is downright stupid to ban social media until they are 18. Your dad is looking at the issue from a very blinkered perspective. Ignoring the "literal" interpretation of 18, the whole approach of keeping children safe by banning them from coming into contact with things that are potentially dangerous, IS downright stupid.
I'm sure your dad has seen many children knocked over on the roads, has he told you that to keep your children safe, you should never allow them to cross a road independently until they are 18(ish)?
Teach them how to be safe, don't ban them from it.

Cauliflower, discuss things like that with then, then they will be better prepared.

mamaduckbone · 07/04/2017 13:20

I agree. It's proven that young people who are too restricted in their online behaviours (by well-meaning parents who want to 'protect' them) are more likely to act in a secretive and risky way to get around the parental controls.

For better or worse this is the world that they live in - it's our job as parents to help them navigate it safely.

metalmum15 · 07/04/2017 14:21

emboo19 That's extremely sensible advice! I would imagine if you still remember that advice when your daughter becomes a teenager she will be just fine!

springflowers11 · 07/04/2017 15:49

I wonder how many children of the parents on here have accounts their parents don't know about?

frogsgoladidahdidah · 07/04/2017 16:16

Well, voice, all I can say to you is that I am very impressed that you have deduced that from a simple statement intended to provoke thought and caution, and to wish you well on your parenting journey. Clearly you have chosen your username carefully and believe yourself to be the all knowing...

Smurfy23 · 07/04/2017 16:37

Its 13 for a reason

The amount of problems primary school kids have in years 5 and 6 as well as secondary with social media use/cyberbullying is ridiculous and just not worth it!

DeleteOrDecay · 07/04/2017 16:40

YANBU, my dc are still young but I plan on doing the same. I know people who made their kids Facebook accounts when they were tiny, before the child could even use it for themselves! It's completely ridiculous.

Topseyt · 07/04/2017 17:14

Mine had them from secondary school age. Spot checked by me, though doing so did bore me silly. I did it though, until I knew that they could police themselves. I have an 18 year old who still likes to come to me if there is anything she feels uncomfortable about.

Banning it until they are 18 would be ridiculous, not to mention unworkable. Does anyone seriously think that in all of that time they would never use it at friends' houses? Far better that they learn to stay safe while some parental supervision is possible.

They will have to be regularly going online anyway, given that a fair bit of school work uses online resources, especially during secondary school.

exLtEveDallas · 07/04/2017 18:27

Most of DDs Year 7 homework is online now. I was astounded at how much - ended up buying her a laptop for Xmas when I thought she'd be ok without one for a couple of years yet. It's the way of the world now and I'm happy that she is a part of it. It's only technology.

Darbs76 · 07/04/2017 18:54

We held out Ds got a phone the August before he started school and he's never been off it since - definitely hold out. Some are allowing social media way to early

RicottaPancakes · 07/04/2017 19:16

There are other things you can't do until 18, like driving and buying alcohol. You don't think it would be a good idea to start a bit earl so that you can cope with it when you do turm 18? How are people who are adults now cope? A lot of people on here are so old that the internet didn't even excist when they were 18 ;)

SingingGoldfinch · 07/04/2017 19:36

My dd is in year 6 (she'll be 12 in Sept) and she's just set up a private music.ly account. She has her best friends on there but nobody else. They have loads of fun with it and she felt she was missing out as she was the only one not to have it before I relented. She has no other SM accounts and I'm not planning to let her any time soon. She's not really asked yet either. I have had follow requests on Instagram from 2 of her friends though which has slightly unnerved me!

WhooooAmI24601 · 07/04/2017 19:55

DS1 is 11 and in Y6. Tonight he's played out on his bike from 3.40 til he went to his mates house at &pm for supper and a sleepover. At his age I see no reason (and no gain) for social media. He's not particularly interested in it, which helps, and he's usually pretty busy with sports clubs and spending time with friends. But I wouldn't be willing to let him have unfettered access to anything online at his age simply because he's not mature enough to deal with everything potentially available. It will come in stages once he hits high school.

I'm also quite strict on ages on x-box games. His mates play stuff for older-ages and I don't judge, but don't let DS1 because he has so many years ahead for all that stuff. I quite like him still playing out with his mates and being a primary-aged-kid for the time being.

stronglizzie · 07/04/2017 20:02

We're probably some of the strictest around but I'm a head teacher & a parent dd14 and ds11. Sick of sorting out issues from SM in primary school & at home. We don't even allow our 14 year old now (she used to use) as we found it just led to nonsense, upset, arguments etc. The longer kids are off it the better on my book. We have a no social media policy when friends come over. Some of DS friends age 10 bring phones when they come to play which we ask them to leave in kitchen. We have no phones in bedrooms too!!!