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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Choosing my own engagement ring pre proposal

144 replies

HulabaloJ · 06/04/2017 18:29

So DP and I have been together 2.5 years and been speaking about hopefully trying to start for a baby within the next 2 years. I have told him I would like to be married before we start a family, to which he agreed the same. This lead to a discussion about engagement rings and I have decided that I would like to choose the ring myself and purchase it with him, leaving him to propose at a suitable time in the future. DP seemed a bit surprised and said he thought engagements should always be a huge surprise but personally I would rather pick the perfect ring myself (as I'm very fussy) but let the actual proposal be a surprise.

DP said whatever I'm happy with, he's happy with... but am I being U here? I've spoken to a couple of friends who think I'm mad! New to all this engagement malarkey!

OP posts:

Scichic · 08/04/2017 15:13

We bought mine together on holiday and he kept it when we got home. He then proposed at a time of his choice, and we went back to the same shop on holiday the year after for the wedding rings

Dizzy2009 · 08/04/2017 15:47

My DH proposed to me out of the blue, he just blurted it out when I was staying at his house for the weekend. We then went out together for me to choose the ring.
But we then kept it quiet for a few weeks as we hadn't been together all that long, and I didn't wear the ring until our families knew.
We've now been married for 14 years, had our anniversary this week. :)

limon · 08/04/2017 15:55

You've already proposed to each other. You've agreed to get married. Choose your ring and wear it as you are already engaged to be married.

diddl · 08/04/2017 16:00

I also chose my own ring-well, we went shopping together after he had proposed.

FluffyMcCloud · 08/04/2017 16:00

Meh, man making big surprise proposal gesture never sat right with me. I bought my own engagement ring and DH and I planned drinks out to tell our friends. Neither of us "proposed" - we talked about whether marriage was right for us and decided it was so set a date.

SparklyPantaloons · 08/04/2017 16:02

To everyone asking why she wants a proper proposal. She just does, leave it alone!

Choosing my own engagement ring pre proposal

Gilly12345 · 08/04/2017 18:46

I think there is nothing wrong with choosing your own engagement ring as you are the one who is going to be wearing it, why not shop together You knowing the budget and then get engaged that weekend, I don't see what the problem is, my boyfriend (now husband) went to Paris 18 years ago, unknown to me he proposed on my Birthday and when we returned home we told both sets of parents and then went shopping for a ring, happy days. 😀

Voice0fReason · 08/04/2017 21:10

I don't understand why some people are objecting to them enjoying a proposal after they have chosen the ring and decided to get married - you come across as complete killjoys

Weetoonmum · 08/04/2017 22:16

Totally pick your own ring. A lot of money being spent and you have to love it forever. My husband asked me to marry him and we went to pick a ring together. I liked the first one I tried on. But he made me trail around lots of shops. Just to make sure 💍

grobagsforever · 08/04/2017 22:35

I'm sorry. I just cannot grasp why we are STILL in 2017 giving men all the power! Why must we cast ourselves as passive creatures waiting for the man to propose? WHY is that considered romantic? Romance, to me, is a thoughtful gesture that demonstrates how well my partner knows me. NOT some archaic enactment of a deeply old fashioned ritual that utterly fails to acknowledge the role of women in a modern society.

OP. You're engaged. Plan a lovely engagement party to celebrate this wonderful event rather than acting like a Disney Princess

Doesitreallymatteranyway · 09/04/2017 09:02

Go ahead with your plan. It sounds great, you both agree and it has got to be what makes you both happy

diddl · 09/04/2017 09:04

It just seems really odd to me for him to take the ring away & then at some time of his choosing "tada-will you marry me?"

They've already decided to marry-why not just wear the ring when it's chosen?

StrawberryJelly00 · 09/04/2017 09:08

"I've decided that I would like to choose the ring"

Give your man his balls back, think they were last seen in your purse

PollytheDolly · 09/04/2017 09:12

We've got the same engagement rings. Tattooed on our fingers. Then added the wedding band tattoos when we got married. The engagement tattoos we chose together and had them done then celebrated with a nice meal out.

Sorry not answered a thing there have I?

elodie2000 · 09/04/2017 09:19

Eh? How does this work?
You've agreed to marry each other, chosen a ring together but you then want him to 'propose' as a surprise?
Do you pretend to be surprised when he asks you to marry him? Sounds a bit weird. You have already agreed to get married so the 'proposal' has already happened

OddBoots · 09/04/2017 09:25

We did it the way you suggested 20+ years ago - we are both cautious with money so we got the ring in the January sales (which were more of a thing back then) and he kept it until he officially proposed a couple of months later.

CurlsandCurves · 09/04/2017 09:28

DH chose my ring, I had no idea he was going to propose. It's gorgeous and I love it.

Mind you, I say he chose it, we know our local jeweller quite well. I bet he went in there with no clue what he wanted, and she pointed him in the right direction!

FluffyMcCloud · 09/04/2017 09:36

Those who got surprise proposals - had you ever discussed marriage at all? I had a surprise proposal in my early twenties from a man I hadn't even thought about marriage with, it was awful, I had no idea if I wanted to marry him, said yes out of politeness and then had to say no later when I'd been able to think about it properly. I was so happy with our relationship status at that time and then his proposal killed it stone dead and we split soon after.

I can never understand how "I had no idea!" proposals work, marriage hasn't been on the radar at all and then suddenly you have to answer that question there and then? Are we women supposed to just be grateful that a man is prepared to have us and say yes without any time to decide if it is what we want too? Such a big decision to make on the spot with no previous discussion...

AndNoneForGretchenWieners · 09/04/2017 09:37

Our proposal was public, unexpected, embarrassing but sweet and memorable - yet there was no ring until the following week when we got round to going to choose one. You don't need the ring for a great proposal. However, as others have said, you have already made the decision so a proposal would just be window dressing at this stage.

April241 · 09/04/2017 09:59

We done something similar, my OH had been looking at rings in person and I had no idea, he'd seen a few he liked and told me about it as he wanted me to have one I loved. We went and looked at some/I tried them out and then he bought one and proposed at a later date.

TBH when we were looking I still wasn't expecting a proposal anytime soon as I was pregnant (with twins) at the time so didn't expect him to spend any extra money on a ring.

Discussing kids/marriage/weddings is something we've also done from the beginning really so looking at rings didn't automatically make me think we were engaged. When he did ask me (with the ring) it was still unexpected as in, I didn't know today would be the day i'd have a ring etc and I love how he done it.

PollytheDolly · 09/04/2017 10:17

I proposed to my husband. We had discussed marriage but I surprised him with it. His face was all blushed up with a big smile and a yes. It was great and I'm glad I did it and not the other way around.

Iamastonished · 09/04/2017 10:59

I don't understand the difference between deciding to get married and a "proposal". Is it a "thing" now that there are different stages of an engagement?

I also don't understand people who get engaged and then look surprised when people ask them when they are getting married. As if they don't realise that they are engaged to be married.

LuckyEevee · 09/04/2017 11:17

It's not my cup of tea but I can see how you can have the chat and agree marriage is on the cards and then wait for the 'romantic' proposal. I can't see anything wrong with it. It harms no one and is just a bit of fun. Even if it's a bit silly I'm sure it can be sweet and fun.

DH and I had to get married in a rush due to moving overseas despite having no interest in getting married and already having kids etc - even though it was sort of forced on to us is was still really romantic and sweet. 🤷🏻‍♀️

There seems to be a lot of unnecessary pissing on chips on this thread

StandAndBeCounted · 09/04/2017 11:27

I chose my own ring as I had known from a little girl exactly the kind of ring I wanted. No idea about what I wanted for the wedding though!

You have to wear it for the rest of your life so it makes sense to me to choose it

Maxabella2 · 09/04/2017 17:00

I'm very particular and given I'd be wearing it forever I wanted to know I'd actually like it!
There was a budget ,I chose two I liked&i then left it to him to decide which one and when it would be
It came as a total surprise on the day
Do what suits you and your partner-only you know what works best for you
And congratulations in advance!!!!!!!

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