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AIBU?

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Original poster

Choosing my own engagement ring pre proposal

144 replies

HulabaloJ · 06/04/2017 18:29

So DP and I have been together 2.5 years and been speaking about hopefully trying to start for a baby within the next 2 years. I have told him I would like to be married before we start a family, to which he agreed the same. This lead to a discussion about engagement rings and I have decided that I would like to choose the ring myself and purchase it with him, leaving him to propose at a suitable time in the future. DP seemed a bit surprised and said he thought engagements should always be a huge surprise but personally I would rather pick the perfect ring myself (as I'm very fussy) but let the actual proposal be a surprise.

DP said whatever I'm happy with, he's happy with... but am I being U here? I've spoken to a couple of friends who think I'm mad! New to all this engagement malarkey!

OP posts:
Chesterfuckingdraws · 06/04/2017 18:42

I chose my ring too, I'm very fussy and so DH wanted to get it right!!
We went shopping together and I picked out 2rings I liked we didn't purchase anything on the day but he went back a bit later and bought one of the rings. He proposed a few months later - I was expecting it but it was still a surprised and I still felt excited sick

For me it wasn't the only way to do it.

magicstar1 · 06/04/2017 18:42

*Claddagh

Chesterfuckingdraws · 06/04/2017 18:43

^^ It was the only way to do it, bloody autocorrect.

UppityHumpty · 06/04/2017 18:46

My husband proposed twice. first time to ask me to marry him & we went 'ring shopping' but couldn't find anything in budget. Second time was a total surprise and involved a ring he'd had custom made based on what I wanted.

Mungobungo · 06/04/2017 18:49

Dh proposed without a ring, then we went and chose one together. It was a lovely proposal and I ended up with a ring that I love and that isn't a traditional diamond/solitaire. I'm not sure dh would have been brave enough to choose something like it if he were on his own.

You've already agreed to get married so the proposal is a formality and for show really. If you want a surprise proposal for romantic reasons, then you need to hint at doing it without a ring or with one that dp has chosen on his own, then let him plan the surprise

pandarific · 06/04/2017 19:00

We did that. I love my engagement ring, my favourite thing I own. 😊

LaSegundaPaloma · 06/04/2017 19:04

OP - is it a very specific ring you want? If it's a diamond solitaire, could you not just tell him the shape and leave it to him for the surprise factor?
DH "stole" a dress ring out of my bedside drawer to get the size and found a beautiful diamond solitaire in Boodles which still dazzles today! I wouldn't have cared what he got tbh, it's the gesture that counts! I had no idea he was going to propose when he did and the surprise element was the most romantic aspect for me. But it doesn't actually matter how you do it, as long as he's the one! Congrats and good luck!

Trb17 · 06/04/2017 19:07

I think if you go ring shopping beforehand then a proposal becomes redundant as by buying the ring together you've already agreed to marry him and therefore are engaged.

Otherwise I'd suggest leaving him to propose as and when he likes, then go shopping for a ring together afterwards. You don't need a man to hold out a ring box to propose.

Piffpaffpoff · 06/04/2017 19:12

DH proposed to me with a sawn off bit of copper pipe (which is still in a ring box in my bedside table to this day) and then sent me off shopping by myself with a budget and a request for a sapphire in there somewhere to match my eyes. Grin. That was perfect for us although other people thought me going shopping by myself was sad. Do what works for you, no-one else.

LilacSpatula · 06/04/2017 19:13

I didn't have this issue. I made it very plain that I didn't want any shop bought ring, but my Grandmother's old ring and he asked my Mum for permission and for the ring. He then proceeded to compete in a sack race with the ring in his pocket (which I didn't know until after he proposed). IMO any ring for a high street jeweller is massively overpriced. Up to you...

Original poster
HulabaloJ · 06/04/2017 19:34

Thanks everyone! Grin

I understand that it won't be a total surprise, but I'm ok with that. I do really want the whole DP getting down on one knee thing and for that aspect of it to be a surprise. The fact I know it'll happen but not when or how rather excites me, especially as I know I'll be presented with a ring I absolutely adore.

I do also like the suggestions though about proposing with a fake ring and choosing a ring together afterwards. Though as we've discussed it I feel it won't be a total surprise now either way he does it!

OP posts:
loaferloveforyou · 06/04/2017 19:44

My DP picked my ring. I went through a phase of pointing out rings I liked parts of and rings I didn't. Then I gave up as we reached a phase in our lives I thought would mean getting engaged was low on the list of priorities. I thought he would propose in a couple of years but he found a ring and proposed so it was a complete surprise. I still can't work out how I didn't know he was going to propose. I wouldn't have picked the ring he chose but it's so much nicer than any other ring I had seen. He knows my taste better than I do it seems

AfroBrown · 06/04/2017 19:48

If the ring is more important than the proposal chose beforehand. If not let you DP chose. The ring is symbolic whether you like it or not shouldn't be the goal. Commitment unity and mostly being with you is what he wants.

lorelairoryemily · 06/04/2017 19:50

That's what we did op, we went shopping together, I picked the ring, he went and bought it at some stage and proposed a few months later when I really wasn't expecting it! You're right to choose it yourself, imagine if he picked and you hated it, how would you ever tell him. Congratulations. Come back and show us what you pick!!

BonnyScotland · 06/04/2017 20:01

DH and I chose the ring together x

beekeeper17 · 06/04/2017 20:03

My husband knew that I wanted to pick my engagement ring when we got engaged, and we had talked quite a lot about getting married so I knew it was going to happen at some point soon. We went and picked the ring together after we got engaged, which I was happy with, but it took a couple of weeks to get it and i guess it would have been nice to have had it from the point we got engaged so I could show it to people when telling them. So if you want to pick it in advance then just go ahead. I don't imagine proposals are a complete surprise for many people, I'm sure most couples talk about what they want in the future, including marriage, before getting engaged.

witsender · 06/04/2017 20:06

It would feel odd to me. Either go and buy a ring together and celebrate your engagement, or show him ones you like and let him crack on as and when. It is hardly the element of surprise you are wanting by giving him the ring and then waiting!

Dh proposed out of the blue with a ring...It was lovely. It's how i had thought it was done until seeing threads on here.

Helbelle75 · 06/04/2017 20:16

My DH chose the ring himself and the proposal was a surprise. I love that he chose it, it's perhaps not what I would have chosen but it'seems extra special to me that he put a lot of effort in. I guess I'm an old fashioned girl at heart.

BuggersMuddle · 06/04/2017 20:19

It's up to you what you do of course, but surely the conversation where you discussed children, agreed a timeframe and agreed to marry before TTC kind of was the proposal.

I don't think wanting to choose your own ring is at all unreasonable. I chose mine with DP. His only caveat was that he wouldn't buy someone he thought was horrible, which is fair enough really.

Why do you want 'a proposal'? Is it e.g. a romantic gesture, or something public or a story to tell people? If it's the gesture, then surely (if he's a romantic sort - my DP is not and so asks me what romantic gesture I'd like Grin), he could arrange something lovely around the day you go shopping or pick up the ring?

Natsku · 06/04/2017 20:26

The whole surprise proposal with a ring thing just seems more and more silly to me. I moved abroad and where I live now the custom is that a couple mutually decides to get engaged and then go out and choose rings together (both men and women wear engagement rings here) and I've come to like that much better. A surprise proposal can put a lot of pressure on a person to agree, that's not good, and its also not pleasant for the person proposing to get a refusal. Much better to discuss marriage together and agree on it.

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/04/2017 20:36

"DP seemed a bit surprised and said he thought engagements should always be a huge surprise"
Only in fiction.

Dh and I went ring shopping together.

Mmmmcakes · 06/04/2017 20:38

Whatever works for you. Go for it. We went looking for a ring, we agreed on a selection, he then later picked one from the selection (happened to be my face) he then surprised me with a proposal on our hols.

Janeofalltrades1 · 06/04/2017 20:40

I know that some people (the guy) would buy a cheap ring(zirconia stone etc) to propose then the couple would go shop for a proper/more expensive/suitable engagement ring.

Janeofalltrades1 · 06/04/2017 20:41

But that works if the guy propose as a surprise but if you two have talked about it and know it's coming, I think it's perfectly fine.

Congratulations in advance!

Notagainmun · 06/04/2017 20:44

DH proposed. We had talked about marriage in the future but it was a total surprise when he asked me one morning when we were going Christmas shopping. We were very young, him 21 and me 18 and we both lived with our parents still. We then bought the ring that day. This was thirty years ago and we are still together.