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Original poster

Choosing my own engagement ring pre proposal

144 replies

HulabaloJ · 06/04/2017 18:29

So DP and I have been together 2.5 years and been speaking about hopefully trying to start for a baby within the next 2 years. I have told him I would like to be married before we start a family, to which he agreed the same. This lead to a discussion about engagement rings and I have decided that I would like to choose the ring myself and purchase it with him, leaving him to propose at a suitable time in the future. DP seemed a bit surprised and said he thought engagements should always be a huge surprise but personally I would rather pick the perfect ring myself (as I'm very fussy) but let the actual proposal be a surprise.

DP said whatever I'm happy with, he's happy with... but am I being U here? I've spoken to a couple of friends who think I'm mad! New to all this engagement malarkey!

OP posts:
Mmmmcakes · 06/04/2017 20:46

Favourite not face!

Level75 · 06/04/2017 20:49

Why do you need him to propose?
Why do you need a ring?

LoveDeathPrizes · 06/04/2017 20:52

Sounds great. We knew we were going to get married so it seemed daft waiting for a surprise proposal. We went ring shopping together, had a lovely lunch and a lazy Sunday. I loved our engagement day.

GrumpyDullard · 06/04/2017 20:57

My god. I obviously don't get out much. I had no idea people did this. I assumed that, if you bought into the patriarchal bullshit romantic idea of a surprise proposal, you didn't know about the ring.

If you are a grown up boring old stick in the mud, you speak to your partner and make your future plans together and, if you decide you want an engagement ring, that's up to you. I am honestly stunned that so many people go through this charade. Wow!

BuggerOffAndGoodDayToYou · 06/04/2017 21:05

My DH never 'proposed' to me, we just always seemed to assume we were getting married and we chose a ring together (which has since been damaged and a new one purchased) 30 years (25 of them married) later and it seems to have worked for us....

Bokky · 06/04/2017 21:09

DH and I went shopping together and I tried on rings with different stones and stone shapes until I decided which I liked and suited my hand. He then went and chose the ring himself so, although I roughly knew what I was getting, the final ring itself was a surprise.

sooperdooper · 06/04/2017 21:17

If you've discussed getting married and you're going to pick a ring I really don't see the point of a 'proposal' - the question's already been answered! I'd consider you engaged now, if you want a ring then go for it but the proposals irrelevant now surely?

Someone at work once told me a similar story about having chosen her engagement ring at the weekend, I congratulated her but she said she was waiting for the proposal...my face was probably Confused about the now contrived proposal she was expecting

weeblueberry · 06/04/2017 21:24

Why do you need him to propose?
Why do you need a ring?

OP has already said she doesn't need him to but wants him to. Which is fair enough.

weeblueberry · 06/04/2017 21:24

Bold fail...

Voice0fReason · 06/04/2017 21:32

Do it however the hell you want to do it!
I don't understand the angst over whether the proposal is pointless or not Grin

We chose and bought the ring together after having a discussion and deciding we wanted to get married.
He then took the ring, we went for a walk and he proposed.
It was lovely.

FrenchLavender · 06/04/2017 21:32

GrumpyDullard I love your user name and I will come and stick firmly in that mud with you.

DisneyMillie · 06/04/2017 21:33

Whatever you want to do is the right thing.

However, when my dh proposed a couple of years ago it was a surprise and he'd bought the ring in secret. He'd sized it via other rings I had and knew my taste well enough to buy the perfect ring for me - I wouldn't change a thing and I think it's nicer as a surprise.

Miscella · 06/04/2017 21:40

Surely as you have already discussed marriageand agreed you will marry before having babies, you are already engaged?

I really don't understand the concept of a proposal after a couple have decided to marry. A good friend of mine did this, they agreed to 'get engaged' and then planned a big, romantic proposal. It felt really staged. Not that I said that to her of course, each to their own and all that but I find it odd.

Fwiw we managed to get married without a proposal - talked about marriage, agreed we both thought it was a good idea and started wedding planning.

Salmotrutta · 06/04/2017 21:50

Each to their own but if you have agreed to marry, discussed having kids and chosen a ring I personally don't understand the need to wait before buying the ring and announcing it officially.

DH proposed, then he and I went ring shopping then went home to tell our parents. Job done.

And funnily enough we have now been married 34 years Shock

feeona123 · 06/04/2017 22:34

I got engaged in the evening then we went to the shop the next day to choose a ring.

KoolKoala07 · 06/04/2017 22:51

We went shopping a year or so before proposal, showed him what I like and said pick something along those lines and he did. And I love it.

SomewhatIdiosyncratic · 06/04/2017 23:03

We browsed together to work out what was the right kind of ring. He bought it secretly. I was still warming to the idea of that particular ring then hinting most unsubtly, unaware that he'd already bought it. About a month later he made the official proposal at a moment I wasn't expecting, and presented me with the ring.

Several years earlier we'd had a general discussion that we both wanted to marry, but felt it was too early in our relationship and my stage in life to want to plan it at that point.

I didn't quite hit the benchmark that I was looking for, but reached a point where I felt it was the right time to become engaged.

I consider myself engaged from the proposal and "will you marry me" moment, rather than either of the two previous discussions that took place in the car amongst other topics. Neither of those were phone the family to make an announcement moments.

lakeswimmer · 06/04/2017 23:05

Obviously you can do what you want but I'm another one who thinks that if you've already decided to get married then a proposal is pointless - are you supposed to look surprised when he whips out the ring and gets down on bended knee?

I'm astonished by the number of people who still want a romantic proposal after they're living together or are planning children - surely they've already talked about it!

DH and I talked about getting married on a number of occasions and finally got round to arranging a wedding. No engagement, proposal or ring - none of those things were needed Smile

DramaAlpaca · 06/04/2017 23:10

We knew we were going to get married, but DH wanted to surprise me with a proposal. He knew I'd want to choose the ring because I am really fussy about jewellery, so he proposed without one and it was lovely. We chose a ring together the next day.

Iamastonished · 07/04/2017 07:35

“I have told him I would like to be married before we start a family, to which he agreed the same”
“But let the actual proposal be a surprise.”

Well it won’t be a surprise will it as you have already discussed getting married. You have agreed to get married, go and choose a ring, job done. Why do you need another “proposal”? Because it won’t be really will it?

“I do really want the whole DP getting down on one knee thing and for that aspect of it to be a surprise.”

Am I the only one who thinks this is faintly ridiculous?

“The ring is symbolic whether you like it or not shouldn't be the goal. Commitment unity and mostly being with you is what he wants.”

I agree with AfroBrown. You seem to be placing an awful lot more importance on the ring and the charade of being proposed to than the commitment of marriage. Life isn’t a Jane Austen novel.

Just go and choose the ring you want and wear it. You are already engaged to all intents and purposes anyway.

BertrandRussell · 07/04/2017 07:43

So you want to choose the ring, buy it in advance, you've told him you want him to go down on one knee- and you want it to be a surprise.......

Trifleorbust · 07/04/2017 07:49

MN is a bit weird about stuff like this, OP. Wanting a proposal seems perfectly normal to me, even if you know it's coming. I would give him more general guidance on the ring and let him pick, but each to their own! No harm in it however you plan on doing it.

grobagsforever · 07/04/2017 08:08

Barmy. You've had an adult, equal discussion about getting married. Now you want to undermine that by ceding control back to him so he can 'surprise' you when he wants?

Don't understand proposals, never have. Marriage is a grown up decision that should be discussed by two adults, not a proposal dolled out by the man when he feels like it.

By all means do what makes you happy but do reflect upon the type of marriage you want.

FlippedUpRightSide · 07/04/2017 09:00

We had a fun day up town choosing a ring and giggling away, then another was wonderful day with a fancy picnic at a beautiful spot where he proposed.

Bonus, 2 lovely days, can't see an issue!

FlippedUpRightSide · 07/04/2017 09:03

I guess the above IS a reflection of our marriage, over a decade later we still both enjoy doing little things to put smiles on each other's faces and will go out of our way to make the other happy.

We're not so practical to just buy a ring and wear it, we love having a bit of fun whilst the bloody kids sleep for once when we can. We're happy, go for it if you are both happy