Choosing my own engagement ring pre proposal

[HulabaloJ]

So DP and I have been together 2.5 years and been speaking about hopefully trying to start for a baby within the next 2 years. I have told him I would like to be married before we start a family, to which he agreed the same. This lead to a discussion about engagement rings and I have decided that I would like to choose the ring myself and purchase it with him, leaving him to propose at a suitable time in the future. DP seemed a bit surprised and said he thought engagements should always be a huge surprise but personally I would rather pick the perfect ring myself (as I'm very fussy) but let the actual proposal be a surprise.

DP said whatever I'm happy with, he's happy with... but am I being U here? I've spoken to a couple of friends who think I'm mad! New to all this engagement malarkey!

I saw a fabulous ring on the shopping channel and couldn't get it out of my head. When i saw it on sale again (heavily discounted) i bought it.

When it arrived i took it to be valued to male sure i hadn't been ripped off! Once i was sure it was worth what i paid i told dp i had bought it (we had discussed the future on numerous occasions and were both on the same page) and left it to him to propose when he wanted to.

He did it on a deserted beach in glorious sunshine, and i was completely surprised. It worked for us, even though it probably seems odd to others. Do what you like, it's between the 2 of you!

We did this and are glad we did as turns out the ones that looked pretty in the window looked horrible on my fingers!

I wish I'd been able to choose my ring. I don't like the one I was given

I chose my own ring too.

Although, my DH proposed with a fake one on holiday and it was the most exciting thing knowing we were going home to find the real one.

It's so lovely choosing your ring together, great day out with lots of champagne and cocktails, it's so much better doing this way round. A few of my friends done it your way round and regretted it, choosing before and knowing what you are getting isn't as great as having that thrill after the proposal.

Congratulations!! X

My DH and I chose my ring together, doesn't make our relationship and subsequent marriage any less special than if he had chosen it on his own.

DH and I did exactly what you are suggesting and it worked for us! We discussed marriage and I said I didn't need a ring, but DH wanted me to have one because he knew that I would love one even though it was unnecessary! At which point I realised that even though it was a joint decision, I did really want a proposal. Nothing extravagant but just a specific moment that we would always remember as the start of actually organising a wedding.
We chose the ring together, then a few months later DH got down on one knee, said a few lovely things and gave me a ring I love! It means we now have a fondness for the place we "got engaged" which is always nice, and we then announced it to friends and family and started planning a wedding. The proposal was just symbolic of us taking that next step but I don't think a little bit of romance hurts anyone!

I really don't understand the concept of a proposal after a couple have decided to marry.
I don't understand the difficulty in understanding!
It's a nice gesture that both people involved enjoy.
Marriage is so much more than just a grown up agreement, it's about being in love and wanting to do things for each other that bring happiness. It involves showing that love in different ways - in whatever ways work for the 2 people involved.

We had a lovely walk through a beautiful meadow carrying the ring that we had just bought together. He proposed - he knew I would say yes, I knew he was going to propose, but in the same way as 25 years later we still tell each other that we love each other every day, we did it as a sign of our love. How is that so hard to understand?

I have two experiences of this OP, so I hope that talking about them both will be of some use to you.

First time around with XH, we discussed marriage between us, decided that he would propose somewhere sometime as a surprise, but then every weekend away, every holiday, meal out etc I was on tenterhooks waiting for the proposal, but he hadn't even bought a ring. It was just a series of disappointments for me.

I ended up telling him that I'd been waiting and he had thought he would do it in a year or two, obviously no rush! In the end I didn't get an engagement ring, we got married pretty quickly anyway and it was all very non-traditional, especially as he'd been married previously, so I wanted it to be very different from his first time.

So we're now 6 years post-divorce and I have a new partner of 5 years. We have also discussed marriage, but he is more traditional and thinks he should have been the one to just propose out of the blue. However, this would not have been for 5/10 years as we both have children so this is not just some romantic whim, it's a massive undertaking involving lots of people!

I lost my mum in the intervening years and now have her engagement ring, which also belonged to my nan, so I would like to have that resized and be able to wear that as my engagement ring. It means finding a jeweller who can do the work on this ring, being there to get measured etc and it means I know exactly what the ring looks like! However, it will have more meaning to me than one DP has chosen because it fits in his De Beers advert price bracket. We also have quite different tastes and I would worry that I end up with a ring I don't like!

I sent him a text with a photo of my mum's ring saying that I'd like to be able to use that and he now jokes that this was me proposing to him!

In short, I think the romantic surprise proposal is a bit one-sided - it doesn't take into account that the woman has any say in when or how it happens, when this is a major life-changing event and should be something which is discussed in great detail. The fact that you've already talked about it, rather than waiting for him to be ready, shows a partnership of equals. Why not continue in that vein and make your official engagement a joint thing too?

I think you will feel silly doing the whole surprise proposal now that you are waiting for it.
Let him choose a ring, you will love it because he chose it surely?

I wouldn't of done it personally as I would have hated it. But if you feel you want to then go for it

It does remind me a bit of being in sixth form and some of the couples being "engaged to be engaged".

I think wanting to chose your own ring is more than reasonable. But it's a bit bonkers to view the proposal as some surprise when you've already agreed to get married. Makes me think more of a ghost train at the fairground - you know that something is going to jump out on you you just don't know exactly when.

We decided to get married. There was no proposal and later I bought myself a diamond ring. I was earning much more than him anyway. Later a tradesman nicked it so the one I have now is a replacement bought on insurance. I hardly ever wear it or even my wedding ring anyway due to eczema on my hands.

I think you should just do what suits you, don't worry about tradition.

Congratulations! Do it however you like! I think these things are only a problem if you make them one.

My partner bought a ring to propose with which ended up going back (wrong size etc) but I greatly appreciated the thought behind it. I'd have been happy with a hula hoop tbh. I got another ring afterwards and still have the lovely proposal memory.

voiceofreason- it is difficult to understand because it is asking a question that has Laredo been answered.

A proposal is shorthand for a 'proposal of marriage' I.e that the question of marriage is raised. If a couple have already discussed marriage, and agreed that they will get married, then that proposal, or question, is redundant.

That is why I find it difficult to understand a proposal after the question has already been raised and answered.

My dh and I are very happily married and tell each other daily that we love each other....I am really not sure what your point is here?

We also just talked about getting married and then bought the ring together. I do love my ring

But no, no proposal. We'd already agreed so it seemed redundant.

We had the same set up as you are planning op, I was out shopping with dh and he asked me to have a look at rings to give him an idea of what I liked. We discussed marriage very early in our relationship and we agreed that at some point we would want to get engaged/ marry etc. My dh also wanted time to save up to buy me the ring. I found my dream ring and the jewellers took a photo of it and gave him all the details of the ring on their business card. I didn't know, but dh went back the next day and paid a deposit for it. It was six months later before his proposal. It was still so special to us and I still get butterflies thinking back to the night he proposed.

Congratulations OP, it will always be special to you both and at least it spares your dp the worry about whether you will say yes!

Er, if you have agreed to marry then you are already engaged. Whoever brought up the idea is the one who proposed. You. Are. Engaged. Sorry if that was over a cup of tea in the living room but there you go.

YANBU as such in that the two of you are willing to enter into a big charade where you make out like there's some real romance in this proposal, but it's just a script. What difference does it make if you choose the ring and he chooses the location? It's just set dressing for your tv drama.

Can you please come back and post about who won't come to Maui for the wedding?

The whole thing seems very weird to me, as far as I can see the OP and her partner are engaged already, as they have decided to get married. Congratulations OP :)

Have a lovely day choosing your ring, and if you and your fiance want to do the down on one knee thing then go for it. I can't see any way that it could be a surprise though, nothing to do with the ring there just isn't a question to be asked/answered anymore.

DH wanted me to pick the ring but wanted the proposal to be a surprise but didn't want to propose empty handed so I have beautiful engagement diamond earrings. We then designed and chose the ring together. Am a lucky woman

Does a ring even have to be involved in a proposal? IMO being proposed to is a far more exciting prospect than a band of metal.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat.

Ouch! I'm guessing you wouldn't approve of DH proposing to me over the phone and mentioning Solicetors in the same sentence 😂 We had to get married for immigration reasons... least romantic proposal ever but we wouldn't have had it any other way. Still happy and married 35years later.

Personally I think everyone should do whatever they fancy.

I inadvertently chose my own ring - DH got my best friend to pretend to choose a ring, and then she did the whole 'let's pretend we're choosing engagement rings'. He'd even prepped the lady at the jewelry shop, lol, and headed in there as soon as we'd left. I take things at face value, so had no idea it was a setup!!

Loved choosing my ring. Glad it worked out that I could. Dh proposed and we went to shop same day. A lot of rings didn't suit my fat fingers so perfect to choose your own

You're alright engaged! Go choose a ring together and decide how you'd like to get married.

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