"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

WarwickDavisAsPlates No, I wouldn't kick a puppy just because nobody would find out. But I tell my DH everything, and he tells me everything. That's just how we are, that's our relationship. We don't keep secrets from one another.

I don't keep my own secrets from my husband (mostly). He can share any and every part of me (mostly). I don't think he is entitled to share any part of anyone else.

*He doesn't need to know about the dream I had about a work colleague etc.

I'd share if I felt like it. They don't come under my idea of 'anyone'.

I don't think it would have even occur to me that my friends would keep things away from their husbands. I am pretty sure they wouldn't have long conversations about me, because nothing is that interesting, but the concept of keeping things away from them is odd.

The only time I would keep things away from my DH would be to protect him. As I am not living in a tv drama, and we are not likely to hide the body of a man my friend killed to protect herself, I can't think of anything I would purposely keep quiet about.

I would tell my DH but only because we share everything and I know he wouldn't repeat it.

But if someone tells you something, why would you have to pass it on to your OH because you "have no secrets"??!!

Op, it sounds like passing gossip on for the sake of it tbh.

If your friend tells you that her & her boyfriend are having problems, I can't see why you'd pass that info on at all.

I wouldnt tell my DH out of respect for my friend who told me not to tell ANYONE

I would not tell my partner a secret but also wouldn't ask someone to keep something from OH.

I think there's a difference between keeping secrets about yourself from your partner to secrets about other people. I have had friends confide personal stuff and I haven't told my bf. He's my bf not thiers, why should I break thier trust? If it was something that would affect our relationship or involve him then I'd have to handle it differently. I know my oh has secrets about his close friends he hasn't told me and I don't care at all

diddl I would tell him because I like to talk to him and share my life with him. Also, it would feel wrong for there to be something I was deliberately keeping from him, regardless of whether he would be interested in it or not.

This comes up on MN every so often.

Like you, Warwick, I am always amazed that people tell their partner other people's confidences.

It's one thing to want to tell your partner everything about yourself (and that too is a choice you make) and quite another to tell your partner a secret that somebody else has asked you to keep.

If the confidence affected your partner directly, though, and you considered that they should know, you might decide to tell them.

He wouldn't tell anyone, though, which is why it doesn't matter if I do tell him.

But it would matter to the friend! She doesn't want him to know.
I can't see any reason her boyfriend needed to know op. Also, it's just a boyfriend...

I would tell him because I like to talk to him and share my life with him
It's not your life you are sharing with him.

I keep secrets I wouldn't want shared. I've got a bit of a big mouth reputation among my friends, but I've buried some deep secrets that I'll never tell anyone, including my husband.

Relationship troubles are borderline, I know if I tell my best friends that we're having problems, they'll probably share with their partners, and I might too, but the amount of detail depends on the seriousness of the issues. Anything quite serious I might just say they're having a few troubles and if I don't say any more, he won't ask.

I will share 'gossipy' ones though (see above reputation!). Like if someone has had a sneaky snog on a night out, or has blown their huge inheritance on handbags, I'd tell him those secrets.

It depends on what it is. In the situation you describe where you all know each other and DP would find himself in a situation with friends partner and he knows things about their relationship that is totally inappropriate. Personal things about friends I also wouldn't share if there was no reason to discuss it with him. If someone had upset me and I wanted to talk to him about that I might discuss the context but I would trust him not to disclose.

If I didn't want my friends partner to know something I wouldn't tell them. I tell my husband everything.

FerdinandsRevenge That's a shame, then, isn't it?

MaidOfStars Yes, it is. Once they tell me, that conversation becomes a part of my life.

I'm with you OP, these threads really make me think twice about who I share personal issues with.

I don't 'keep secrets' from my husband and would talk to him about things that affected me personally. Friends private issues I see as completely separate, and would not share with him. He is not their husband and if they haven't opened up to him themselves I would assume they wanted it kept to myself.

When friends say "don't tell anyone" they mean "don't tell anyone that I know or is likely to care".

So when my colleague at work told me not to tell anyone she was applying for a new job, I figured it was fine to tell DH as he doesn't know her or anyone else that I work with. If it was something a mutual friend told me, then I wouldn't tell DH.

I would not tell dh unless she said 'of course you can tell dh' and if I needed to I would ask her if I could. If it was about something where he'd need to know or should know then I'd say to her.

In your example Sarah sounds like a gossip, why does she need to share that with her husband?

I tell my DP everything it goes no further than us though.

But I tell him because he has good advice I can pass on.

If someone said you can't tell anyone I would then say before you go any further I tell my DP everything if he's off limits please don't tell me.

Ec22 but let's say you had... fertility problems, mental health issues... some sort of embarrassing medical condition, would you not want to be able to discus these things with your best friends in confidence?

I obviously mean best friends outside of your relationship before people say "my OH is my best friend"

Question for all the people saying that they do tell their OHs everything. How would you feel if you lost your friend because of this? I know you all day your OHs wouldn't say anything but just imagine that somehow it got out that he knew and your friend decided to end your friendship over it.

If it's just a statement, a piece of information that doesn't effect me, then no, I wouldn't tell, but if I was expected to collude in the secret then yes, I'd tell dh.

WarwickDavisAsPlates It would be a shame to lose a friend, but my DH will always be more important so it would be just one of those things.

Once they tell me, that conversation becomes a part of my life
First, sorry you're fielding most of the questions but you're here, willing to answer and it's nothing personal!

So say you have a night out with a friend. You talk about seventy million different things, including but not limited to:
how are the kids
a new pair of jeans that were a bargain
a problem at work on a sensitive issue ("Don't tell anyone")
whether you prefer fruit-based or cream-based cocktails
isn't avocado disgusting
the Syrian conflict is terrible
a GP appointment for unexpected bleeding ("Don't tell anyone")

You share all of those with your partner? How does it work when you return home? Does your partner ask what you talked about and you give him a blow by blow account of the entire conversation that is now part of your life? Or do you specifically pick out the problem at work and the GP appointment to relate back?

(Of course, the other stuff may come up at other times in similar conversations - Oh, So And So doesn't like avocado either).