"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

I wouldn't want to be asked to keep something secret from my DH but I could.

So I think it would have to be a bit exceptional and stated, what I am going to tell you I want you to keep from your DH.

There are things he doesnt know, but only a few and they are deeply personal things, that the people involved wouldn't want shared with him. I also will tell no other person.

I agree with scribblegirl. If I didn't want their OH to know I'd say ''don't even tell your OH.'' Otherwise I'd assume him or her not to be included in this.

If a friend said it to me, I'd probably ask if it was OK to tell OH.

He's good at keeping things to himself....normally because he's not interested enough in others to talk about them behind their back lol.

If they specifically asked me not to and there was no pressing need to tell him, I would respect that and not tell him.

Thanks for the replies so far.

I have to say I'm quite surprised at how many people would tell their OHs.

Brief situation summery: I'm best friends with Ellie and Sarah. Ellie and her boyfriend Rob have been having relationship problems, and she confided in Me and Sarah.

The next time I saw Sarah she mentioned that her boyfriend was organising an activity with my DH and Rob and that hopefully it won't be awkward for Rob now that the boys know about his problems with Ellie (we all have been friends since college so know each other very well).

I was shocked that Sarah had told her Bf something private about our other friends. Sarah was equally as shocked that I hadn't told my DH.

I wouldn't tell my DH - why would I? I'm not a lip-flapping wazzok!

It really, really depends. What is it I am being told? Does DH have any involvement in the 'secret' other than being my DH? Does me knowing and not telling him have any implications for our relationship?

I wouldn't rush home to tell him the details of a friend's embarrassing health problem. I would tell him if a friend had confided in me that they were having an affair- because I'd want him to bounce off as I worked out what I wanted to do with that info.

I have told my EXDH stuff in the past and then regretted it, so I stopped doing that.

I'm sensing that you told someone something in confidence - and they told their partner, when challenged, they said 'well of course I told my BF'

The problem with telling someone a secret is that you are asking them to keep that a secret from their partner. Some people have no problem with that. Others have a view that there are no secrets between themselves or their partners on any level.. so it's automatic to them that whilst they would 'keep' you secret from people outside of that tight union, telling their partner does not fall into the category of 'breaking a promise' not to tell.

I guess before you tell someone a secret, you have to understand which camp they fall into....

The people saying that it would depend on what it was, where would be the line?

I'm always of the opinion that if a friend tells me something it's not my news to share so if they want my DH to know they will tell him.

sorry - just seen your latest post, but guess it reinforces my view that both you and your friend have a different view on where a secret extends to in your partnerships.

Depends on who what why etc.

Though if DH asked a direct question then I would answer truthfully.

DH wouldn't ask a direct question though.

I don't keep secrets from DH but I don't tell him everything either.

It sounds awfully childish to tell your partner "I can't tell you, it's a secret". I am confident mine is as grown-up as I am, and perfectly able to play ignorance if he's not supposed to be in the confidence. For things like "relationship problems", he would care very little. We are not 12.

I probably wouldn't tell him. If I'm told something in confidence it would go with me to the grave! I never tell secrets.

I'd take it to include not telling my boyfriend, so wouldn't tell him!

Of course it depends who it was and what it was about as well. I work with a women, we get on but wouldn't consider her a friend as such and she's always saying, don't tell anyone but....... she never gives me chance to reply to if I'll tell anyone or not. It's usually only about her nights out and she tells everyone anyway!!

My good friends though, no never. What they tell me stays between us.

I think the only time I'd consider telling someone else, would be if it was something I couldn't deal with and needed some support so I could help my friend. Then it would only be either my mum or my boyfriend, I'd trust to talk to and I wouldn't say who it was about though.

To be absolutely honest, I would probably tell DH if I thought he would be receptive to the info. Most of the time though, he has to feign interest in that kind of story and has nothing useful to offer by way of comment, so I probably wouldn't bother. I would not tell him about a friend's personal health- related situation though -that's none of his business.
Don't worry about the activity the BFs have planned. I doubt your other friend's BF will remember or he won't feel the need to mention anything even if he does. They will just talk about the golf or whatever it is.

I don't share secrets told to me. I wouldn't even indicate to anyone that I held a secret. No knowing smirks or 'Sorry, I can't tell you' here.

I don't trust others to be as discreet as me. Consequently, I share very few, if any, secrets, confessions or insights into my inner thoughts with others (husband aside). I am well known as a closed book.

Hellomoon I did feel vet uncomfortable after I found this out. Selfishly I was going back over all the personal things I'd told her and thinking "oh great does her bf know that as well?"

Photograph but couldn't you just not tell him? You don't have to say "it's a secret" just don't bring it up or if he tries to get it out of you couldn't you just say "it's actually personal for my friend so it's not my place to tell you"?

Absolutely not. If someone confides in me, I am not going to breach their trust by passing it on. DH is the same - good friends confided in us about pregnancy issues, except one told me, the other told DH, neither of us told the other. We didn't discover for months that both of us knew and only then after the couple 'went public'.

The very fact that Sarah is now concerned about awkwardness is one good reason why not to pass it on. The other men both know but Rob doesn't know they know, it's a bit shit really!

Sometimes you need someone to use as a bit of a sound wall 'x told me this and now I'm really worried about her, do you think there's something I/we could do?'

My DH can be a bit erratic at remembering what's a secret and what isn't so I wouldn't necessarily tell him but I have a friend who is the absolute soul of discretion and would use her.

I just don't like to have unexpressed thoughts in my head

Sorry, that did make me lol. Surely everyone has loads of unexpressed thoughts in their heads!

OP, if I am told something in confidence, I do not repeat it to anyone.

Why would you automatically tell your partner things your friend's have told you? It's awful. I don't care if your OH's don't care, don't spread gossip or don't remember which secret is about which friend. All I know is that my personal problems have been discussed behind my back. This happened to me about a massively personal issue. I don't speak to ex friend anymore.

This is also why I have an issue with 'my partner reads my texts, I have nothing to hide'. You might not but your friends might.

No I wouldn't tell him. You can't pick and choose to betray a confidence, you either do or you don't.

I had a friend who told her OH about the issues I was having with DH. It was mortifying. If someone says to be 'don't tell anyone' I dont!

I also dont tell my mother private stuff as she thinks 'dont tell anyone' means dont tell anyone except Dad, my sisters, brothers, their partners and also mums brother and sister !!!!! And she doesn't tell them to not tell anyone either and so it goes on!

I'm with you OP - Sarah was wrong

I would tell DH. He wouldn't tell anyone else. I would also expect him not to keep secrets from me and in turn I wouldn't tell anyone else either.

We are a team, we share everything. I think a longstanding DH is not included in 'anyone else'.

Yes I would know that meant a partner.