"Well of course I was going to tell BF"

[WarwickDavisAsPlates]

I originally wrote quite a long post detailing the entire situation and how this came up but it got too long.

So basically what I want to know is: if a friend told you something and said "but please don't tell anyone" would you think that included your OH?

And no I wouldn't tell if was something as serious as rape child sex abuse obviously.

'how would you feel if you lost your friend over this'

Again it would depend on context.
I mean how did she find out? If my DH told anyone something id told him my friend didnt want people knowing, then id be utterly furious and thered be instances in which id leave him over something like that. Id be very upset i had misplaced trust in my DH and id be very upset id lost a friend and would try and make it up to her.

If it was over something pretty trivial that she was only mildly embarassed about, and she found out because i personally told her id told my DH. Then id think she was being a massive drama queen and just leave her to get over it or not as she saw fit.

This drives me crazy and I now tell nobody, anything. People who gossip with their partners at night are my special brand of hideous people. I've known several people who sit there listening to all and then streak home to live vicariously with their 'partner'.

Even worse, when you next see them 'Oh Steve thinks you should...'

Err I would never have dreamed of telling Steve. Why did you feel you had to? Boring night on TV?

My mil told fil something that I had confided in her about. She swore black and blue that she wouldn't tell a soul, not even fil.

Cue family dinner, she shouted to my dh about the issue across a busy restaurant.

She doesn't think she done anything wrong, and can't understand why I'm pissed off with her.

I'd normally judge each situation individually depending on what it was or if it was likely to come out soon. My dh knows when I say do not open your mouth that it is serious!

This always baffles me. If somebody says "don't tell anyone" I just don't understand why dps should be exceptions. Anyone means anyone.

Babading and photograph would you think they were a drama queen no matter what the information was.

For example I can't see Ellie calling off her friendship with Sarah over this (although if Rob found out it would cause more problems on their relationship)

But if I found out Sarah told her BF about my mental health problems and issues I have regarding my childhood I'd never speak to her again.

Well I would tell my dh and he would do the same. We would never tell or let on that we know. But tbh people who do know us know that we are that close and can expect for us to tell each other. I would never ask someone to keep something from their partner.

Love the thought that, during my darkest moments, my mates are possible gossiping about me whilst snuggled up on the sofa with their 'best mate'. Yuck.

danTDM thats pretty harsh. I generally talk alot to my DH about anything and everything which includes my friends and what they are up to and what i think of that. And vice versa. Id just consider that to be a normal part of being in a long term partnership.

Silly little biscuit yeah exactly it's a horrible thought. My life is in crisis, I came to you as my best friend and because you refuse to get Netflix all my issues are being aired out between you and your other "best friend" like entertainment.

I'm even worse, not only would I tell DH but I have 2 separate friendship groups on different continents and would probably tell a close friend in a different group if I was 100% sure they would never overlap.

The truth is that most people's secrets aren't that interesting and they are almost never unique. Marital problems? You're sad about infertility. Are you sure you can tell me these secrets without MI6 clearance? Honestly, even really serious things like being the victim of prior abuse are actually extremely societally common. I wouldn't feel particularly concerned telling a partner about that.

The only things I'd really try to keep secret are (1) someone disclosing a ongoing secret (like a secret love child) or (2) someone disclosing a terrible past crime/wrong that they committed (assuming it's something that I morally could get past, like murder, rather than something I couldn't get past, like rape/child abuse)

In those situations, I'd probably say nothing but also most likely cut contact. Though if it was a crime I couldn't forgive (rape/child abuse), I'd probably tell everyone we know and then cut contact.

To the people who see nothing wrong with sharing whatever the secret is with your partners, would you tell your friend you were going to do that? Or at least ask them whether it's ok to share?

At least then they'd be making an informed choice when confiding in you.

Yes, I would always tell my OH. He probably wouldn't care and forget pretty quickly though.

I am not particularly interested in anyone confiding me their secrets, I am not in primary school.

some people are actually 'best mates' with their partner. Some people arent and wouldnt treat their partner like that.
Neither way is better than the other but i think as someones friend you do need to take that into account when you tell them things.
There are some friends i have who i know would tell anything i said to them to their partner. I also know that they are in long term stable relationships so i wouldnt worry about them sharing my info with their partner.
I have some friends who probably wouldnt tell their partners what i said just because thats not the type of thing they would talk about together.
I also have some friends who get very attached to men they dont really know very quickly and intensely and those are the friends i wouldnt share personal info with because they would tell their partners who are usually people i have no idea wether they will carry that info futher or not or even if they are going to last the week in a relationship with my friend!

Youve just got to take into account different peoples different approaches to life.
And also be very specific and clear when you do share info with people, who that info is for. You cant really make assumptions because everyone has different standards.

I wouldn't tell my dp if it was something really serious, mental health issues etc.

But I don't think anyone would tell me something like that really. I don't have those intense tell each other everything friendships like I used to when I was younger.

"gossiping about me" god that's a bit dramatic, I very much doubt they are doing that.

I have told DH things friends have told me "not to tell anyone" and other times I haven't. When I have told it's because the "secret" is affecting my mental health. If I'm having sleepless nights about a friends "secret" I will and have shared it with my DH.

If I wanted it to be a secret from their partner, I would say, "please don't tell anyone, not even your OH". Otherwise, I would assume they would share it with their partner.

Sharing something someone has asked you not to is gossiping, no?

I'm inclined to say I wouldn't tell DH but if the friend was at risk from harm or I was concerned in any way I might run it past him.
I definitely wouldn't tell him just in a 'gossipy' way, he wouldn't be interested and I wouldn't want him being judgey about my friends.

I have been told something in confidence and asked not to tell anyone. So i haven't. Including my partner. He will find out eventually, but my friendship is important.

I told someone something in confidence once. She told her partner. Then when there was a disagreement with a group of friends, told all of them. That was completely unforgivable and i ended the friendship completely.

You tell something in confidence you are expected to keep that confidence.

Applepaltrow 21 can I just clarify, if a friend confided in you about being abused as a child and asked you not to tell anyone you would disregard that request and tell your other half.
I'm asking clarification as it seems like such a callus thing to do, would you do that betray the confidence of an abuse victim?

I wouldn't tell OH. A confidence is precisely that and not mine to share further - its not a secret between partners, its about privacy and trust between friends.
It seems particularly inappropriate where it is highly likely to rebound (as here where the partners all know each other). The only reason I can imagine breaching a trust like this is where more harm is done by respecting privacy than breaching it.

Where do you draw the line if you 'tell everything including other peoples' secrets'? Are client/patient confidences included and if not why not?

ApplePaltrow

Honestly, even really serious things like being the victim of prior abuse are actually extremely societally common. I wouldn't feel particularly concerned telling a partner about that.

What a shining beacon of compassion you are. Do you really think that because child abuse is horrifically far too common, survivors of it shouldn't expect you to keep their confidences?

It isn't your secret to share with anyone else if you have been asked not to. Why does your dh,s need to know about anyone else's life ? I agree with the pp who said if you repeat something told in confidence you are then gossiping. And for myself I would like to think my friends could trust me not to repeat things they may of told me.