Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Moving away with DD

144 replies

Cadwallader · 04/04/2017 20:52

DD has just turned 3. Me and her dad are divorced. We come from the north east but moved south during the recession for a better quality of life, education, work etc.. DD was born down here.

DD spends every weekend with her dad. I struggle as a single mother and have decided to move back to the north east where I have the support of my family. It's a 7 hour journey away.

Her dad is incredibly upset. He has work down here so cannot leave and has requested that if I do go that we have a shared care arrangement, so 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks with me until she starts school. I am not happy about this as I will receive no maintenance and it will disrupt her learning at nursery. I'm not going to agree to it. I have suggested 4 days a fortnight.

AIBU?

OP posts:
CurlieSue · 04/04/2017 23:56

OP, I really can't see a judge enforcing the two weekly arrangement your ex has suggested, as it would be disruptive for your daughter. You and your ex would be expected to try to agree on something through family mediation as judges hate making decisions on child arrangements themselves.

greenworm · 05/04/2017 00:01

It's a tough situation, because I agree with you that you need to be well and happy to be a good mum. However it will inevitably have a huge impact on your daughter's lifelong relationship with her father if they live so far apart, and that's incredibly sad for her and for him.

If you have a decent relationship with your ex, couldn't you sit down and have a civilised talk about all of this and brainstorm solutions - would you be happier having your daughter more often at weekends, instead of him having her every weekend? Could he do more parenting during the week, enabling you to work or retrain or whatever you might like to do? Could he look for a job back up north?

SparkleSoiree · 05/04/2017 00:08

NotstoppedAllday. There is actually no hard and fast legal rule on whether the OP is obliged to do all the travelling but consensus seems to be that it's the NRPs visitation so they should be prepared to collect. However for ease in this situation it may be wise for each parent to do 50% of the travelling. Then again, maybe it's not feasible if the OP does not have the transport or financial means.

In our case we always did a 220 mile round journey on a Friday and Sunday, every other weekend for years. The EXW looked after them in between so it felt fair to DH.

Different strokes for different folks.

SSR24479 · 05/04/2017 00:13

Maybe dad should look after the child for a while until OP sorts everything out.

SparkleSunshine201 · 05/04/2017 02:56

YANBU and I'm really surprised by some of the responses on here! You need to be near your family to be happy, and your daughter will benefit hugely by you being happy and feeling supported. A depressed mother as primary carer will affect her more negatively than living far away from her dad who only has her for weekends anyway. At her young age she will soon adjust to not seeing him.

I don't think your ex has a right to be so upset as he agreed to the divorce, he has moved on with a new partner, and he is the one saying he can't move because of his job. Why should you accommodate him to your detriment? I feel sorry for posters who think you need to always put a man's wants above your own, even after you are divorced! Hmm

SuperBeagle · 05/04/2017 03:19

I don't think your ex has a right to be so upset as he agreed to the divorce, he has moved on with a new partner

What's that go to do with the price of Tia Maria?

The OP has already said that her parents were mediocre at best, that the area she wants to move to has a significant drug scene, that the schools aren't as good, and that her group of friends aren't great people. Add to that that the OP doesn't have a job and has nowhere to live and is depending on hopefully getting a council flat.

Doesn't seem ideal to me.

As for the daughter "adjusting to not seeing him"?! That's such a dismal outlook. The poor kid deserves to have two parents in her life.

Grimnews · 05/04/2017 04:22

RE: getting a council house, every area I've seen you need to have been resident in the area for at least a year or two before even getting on the list. Living with your parents you won't be priority either.

OP, you can't pour from an empty cup but your life isn't all about you anymore and it's important for your child to have both parents in her life. Moving her 7 hours away is extremely unfair to her and to your ex. You sound very bitter that he's moved on but it's not your daughter that should pay for that.

whattodowiththepoo · 05/04/2017 04:47

YABU

KateDaniels2 · 05/04/2017 05:41

So many people saying the OP needs support and her family round her and that her dd can only be happy if she is.

Do people forget that its the dd who will have to do that journey 4 times a month?

Do people forget that while the OP might have some (questionable) family round her, her dd will not be around members of her own family unit?

Tbh i think the Op is annoyed he got a new partner and wants to hurt him.

JonesyAndTheSalad · 05/04/2017 05:58

OP you need to get yourself into a position where you can take DD to stay with your family regularly.

It's not on to refuse him 50-50 because you will lose maintenance and it's not on to take her away from him and him away from her!

I live in a foreign country and came here knowing that should DH and I split, I will have to remain here. I chose to do it as there are better prospects here...we're happy but should that chance, I'll have to stay here, thousands of miles away from family.

My choice...same as you've made yours.

larrygrylls · 05/04/2017 06:00

If this is not a wind up YABVU. So, you want to move up north to live with your parents where you will 'try' to stay away from your old crowd whom, you have implied, do a lot of drugs. I suspect that within a week of being back the grandparents will be doing 80% of the parenting and you will be out partying.

On the others hand here your ex is currently providing your daughter with a stable home every weekend and you with free time (I assume he works the other 5 days).

I would place a decent wager that your ex would get at least 50/50 were the facts laid out before it.

Justanothernameonthepage · 05/04/2017 06:02

Have you explored medication to help with the depression? What happens if you have to move in with your parents who then revert back to being poor support for you? Depression won't be cured with a move and it doesn't sound like you have a supportive network up there. Have you spent any time there recently? Maybe go up for a month trial first at least. Talk to your GP. Work out where you really feel you're struggling and how to help with that.

mummytime · 05/04/2017 06:07

Your update makes me think that moving has me would solve nothing and create a whole raft of new issues.
It's easy to be a good grandparent when you are a long way apart so only perform the role for short amounts of time, and the grandchild is small so doesn't answer back/ is eager to please.

Please get yourself counselling, from the experience of friends who have given their parents "another chance" it has always shown that the parents haven't changed and revert to their abusive/manipulative ways. If your mental health is struggling now are they really the best people to help? Really?

To be honest moving your child back to: a crime ridden area, with abusive parents, and where you used to have a drug problem; seems like a good reason to grant residency to her father.
Demand support where you are, and don't fantasise about a home that doesn't really exist.

Neverm1nd · 05/04/2017 06:12

Leave your little girl with her dad and move back. He's clearly settled and stable. If you take her away it's likely that contact will diminish or his relationship with her will suffer for your choice. What an unfair thing to do to a little girl and a dad that actively wants to be a parent. As adults we can make the effort to look for friendship groups, clubs and support networks wherever we are, it may take a while but it can be done. But maintaining a relationship between such a young child and parent so far away isn't easy...

I'm a bit raw about this - my partner has been in court for something similar. The court have completely supported his position throughout and applied a prohibited steps order without hesitation before upholding his position formally.

TheDowagerCuntess · 05/04/2017 06:21

Your latest update is clearly something your ex will be able to use against you in court. Confused

FrenchLavender · 05/04/2017 06:37

I think it would be cruel to take your DD so far away from her Dad. The huge costs, time restraints and practicalities of visiting will mean that he is bound to end up seeing her much less, and once that starts it's a slippery slope downwards, often ending in very sporadic contact or no contact at all. Neither of them deserve that and it's not even as if there is any great compelling reason you do do this, there is no great job opportunity or fantastic school at the end of this rainbow.

Of course you need to be happy to be the best mum you can be, but you should work on finding ways to do that where you live now. Moving away isn't necessarily the answer, especially if it places you back where there is a temptation to slip into old bad habits with unsuitable people.

If you completely disregard your ex's and your DD's rights and needs, he may well take you to court for full residency and it sounds as though he might have grounds to get it. Don't push your luck.

Your main responsibility is to your DD, not to yourself.

HowamIgoingtocope · 05/04/2017 06:43

Your a parent. You need to think about your child first. At least he wants to have her and is prepared to have her 50 /50. Many mums would be ecstatic with this.
Your daughters needs come.first. period

midsummabreak · 05/04/2017 07:31

You are obviously thinking of both your daughter and your DH- just by posting here to hear others views on the proposed move
I don't blame you to think of moving where you may have support from family While it is wise to stay near to your daughter's Dad if at all possible, to keep their relationship happy, and keep stability for your child, you do need to be happy and feel supported . I see that you are trying to address your depression, and it is certainly important you have support at this difficult time. Could you try maybe a few weeks staying with relatives to seek the break you need from being a lone parent? I don't blame you at all from seeking support. don't feel bad about rethinking things, and good on you for getting others points of view to be more aware of the impact on your daughter's Dad and your daughter. If you have not already, try taking daily fish oil, as well as vitamin B, vit C, magnesium. You may already have a diet free of packaged foods, and already have regular sunshine and exercise, but if not I do always feel better when I eat fresh foods and up the exercise and sunshine. Hope you do find support as well as relief from your depression soon. Maybe post on single Mums section for moral support also xo

midsummabreak · 05/04/2017 07:34

sorry x-DH

Whatever you decide, just know you are not alone in needing support and feeling blue=- been there and it is crap xo

araiwa · 05/04/2017 07:57

with each new post it makes it seem that the ex is more likely to get permanent care of dd and it is op that would be doing all the travelling for short visits.

no job, money, house, physical and mental illness, living in gp home who have a poor history, an unclear history of drug abuse vs a stable man with partner who has a job and house in an area with better schooling and is more concerned about dd than himself. youre gonna have a tough fight

notcreative23 · 05/04/2017 08:12

@araiwa it's not as if she's moving because she's bored, it's because she isn't feeling okay and needs her family's support. She wants to better herself so she can be the best parent she can be for her child. I don't think that's selfish. And since when is caring about your mental health selfish anyway?

We don't know exDH history so to label him a better and more caring/fit parent isn't fair at this point in time.
He sees her every weekend, we don't know if for the whole weekend or just a few hours. We actually don't know how much he contributes to their DD life.

OP offered up 4 days a fortnight which would be the equivalent of him having her both days every weekend. He actually isn't losing any time. I'm sure they could sort out travel so it's not as hard as both of them and easier for the child. Driving isn't the only option.

I think a lot of the comments on here to OP are really mean and judgemental. We literally know nothing about ExH and his new partner. How can you all be so certain that their home is even a good place for their DD?

araiwa · 05/04/2017 08:17

im only going on what op has said. what else do you expect?

HermioneJeanGranger · 05/04/2017 08:26

But why should a three year old have to travel 7 hours each way to see her father? No way is that sustainable - especially when she starts school and has parties and activities at weekends. She can't travel down after school on a Friday for a weekend with dad - she'd barely be there 24 hours before having to get in a car and drive back!

Which means contact will fizzle and she'll see him during holidays at best. But when she gets older and her friends become more important, she won't want to spend her holidays at the other end of the country where she barely knows anyone.

How many threads do you see here where the father buggers off back to his family after a split, and he gets slaughtered by posters saying he doesn't care about his kids because he's moving too far away for contact?!

It's not as if dad has no contact and has never seen DD since birth - he's there and moving away is going to destroy that relationship because once she starts school the travel just won't be sustainable - practically, emotionally or financially. Skype is not the same as being there in person.

Motherbear26 · 05/04/2017 08:29

Bit shocked at the responses you are getting tbh. You are clearly struggling and in need of support and being near family would help you. Yes you are right to consider the potential impact on your child in all of this but I think at the minute you need to put yourself first and need help to get back on your feet.
As for your ex, I'm sure you are both responsible for the split so why on earth should his life not change at all while you 'put your child first'??? Of course the child's needs should come first but it is up to both parents to facilitate this. If he wants to see his child, he will, it is that simple. If he misses being close, why can't he move? I don't think the 2 weeks each solution is at all practical but if he was genuinely keen then I would be tempted to show willing and give it a try. It's easy to care for a child on weekends when you have nothing else to do, but looking after one on a day to day basis with work etc may help him realise how difficult things are for you.

At least he wants her and is prepared to have her 50/50. Most mums would be ecstatic with this.
So she should just suck it up and continue to live a miserable and lonely life because her ex is a responsible parent? (But not responsible enough to change his life in the slightest to help his ex partner?)

JonesyAndTheSalad · 05/04/2017 08:40

Mother well having his DD 50% of the time is changing his life isn't it?

Why should he miss out because she is having a hard time?

WHy is she the default parent when she's not coping?

Swipe left for the next trending thread