Moving away with DD

[Cadwallader]

DD has just turned 3. Me and her dad are divorced. We come from the north east but moved south during the recession for a better quality of life, education, work etc.. DD was born down here.

DD spends every weekend with her dad. I struggle as a single mother and have decided to move back to the north east where I have the support of my family. It's a 7 hour journey away.

Her dad is incredibly upset. He has work down here so cannot leave and has requested that if I do go that we have a shared care arrangement, so 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks with me until she starts school. I am not happy about this as I will receive no maintenance and it will disrupt her learning at nursery. I'm not going to agree to it. I have suggested 4 days a fortnight.

AIBU?

[MrsDustyBusty]

Would his partner accept his two week idea? Is there a chance that the whole setup could be impossibly disruptive for your daughter you move?

[notcreative23]

Jumping down OPs throat isn't really fair with the information we have received. We have no clue how involved Ex is with their DC or how often he sees DC. We have no clue what their relationship is like.
Why is it being assumed that staying put is what's best for the child? I understand both parents always should have a right to their children but OP isn't denying him access to DC.

[KateDaniels2]

What about he is the RP and you have her 4 days a fortnight?

Is it 7 hours one way? Tbh 3.5 each way is a hell of alot that many times a month.

[NerrSnerr]

Can you imagine making your child do a 7 hour trip to see her dad? How often are you going to do the 14 hour round trip or will you expect him to do that?

[notcreative23]

Oops sorry saw that DC is with Ex every weekend. Ignore me

[KateDaniels2]

We have no clue how involved Ex is with their DC or how often he sees DC. We have no clue what their relationship is like.

Read the ops opening post

[KateDaniels2]

Cross post

[NotStoppedAllDay]

creative have you even read the op?

[laurzj82]

Sorry but in the nicest possible way I think NotStopped is right. What steps can you take to improve your life where you are?

[wheresthel1ght]

Sorry OP I agree with everyone else thus far - YABVU

If being nearer your family is so vital for you would you consider leaving her with her dad and you having contact every other weekend?

He can and probably will take you to court to force more contact if you move. The court can and in most cases will make you do all the travelling or compensate him financially for it if you move away.

I am afraid now you are a parent life stops being about what is best for you and is purely about what is best for your child. It is not best for her to be moved 7 hours away from her dad and to have virtually no contact.

I am sorry - I know you are in a hard situation but I am sorry you are out of order on this one - an hour away is one thing but 2 full days of travelling every time it is his turn to see her is not fair on either of them.

[5OBalesofHay]

She could live with dad and see you when you visit

[KindleBueno]

The fact that you're more worried about a lack of maintenance rather than only seeing your daughter half the month speaks volumes. You are clearly thinking more about yourself rather than what's best for your child.

[HermioneJeanGranger]

But it's not just about you anymore, OP. You have to consider your daughter. A 7 hour trip (each way, I assume) is just not reasonable. Once your daughter is in school, how on earth is she going to see her dad?!

[Thewolfsjustapuppy]

I think that your happiness has a huge bearing on your ability to parent well and for that reason I don't think you are being unreasonable to want to improve your quality of life and move nearer your family. I think you should consider his offer of 50/50 contact for the time being - he is trying to meet you on this and his request is not unreasonable. It won't work when she starts school though but hopefully you will be in a better place to come to a more sustainable arrangement with your x. I really don't see why the education is going to be worse up north unless you have an amazing school right next door to you in the south and you can guarantee that you have a place. Primary schools are hit and miss all over the country not just in the north east.

[watchoutformybutt]

Think about how you would feel if this was reversed. I assume you wouldnt he happy? He is as much a parent as you are and more importantly your daughter has a right to a decent relationship with her dad.
Moving 7 hours away purely because it's what you want is really selfish. Why not put your efforts into improving your life where you are? Try to meet new friends, build a support network. Other people manage it without removing kids from one of their parent.
It could read like you're annoyed he has moved on so now you're going to take his child across the country. Think carefully about the impact on your daughter.

[Msqueen33]

What is he like as a father? Does he have a good relationship with his dd? Is he present? If he's a deadbeat dad I could understand the move but if he's fully involved I think taking your dd that far away would be unfair. Once she gets older she won't want to do the drive as she's busy with friends etc.

[HeddaGarbled]

Oh dear, I can completely understand why you want to move but although that would be best for you, it wouldn't be best for your daughter as she would lose the close and regular contact with her dad which is so important for her and I think it would be actively cruel to your ex.

So, you need more support where you are. Do you have any friends? Do you go to toddler groups etc? What treatment and support are you getting for your depression? Are there local mental health support groups, single parent support groups, parenting support groups that you could join? Talk to your GP and Health Visitor, look at the notices in the library, local paper, supermarket information boards etc.

If you need money to join toddler groups, tell your ex that this would help you to stay locally. Also if you need him to step up when you are ill or have appointments or just at the end of your tether. Could he do one or more overnights in the week to give you a good night's sleep but without reducing the maintenance. If he wants you to stay locally, maybe he needs to be more generous with his time and money to support you to do so.

Would you think about going back to work part time? It's amazing how working can boost your self esteem and mental health - getting you out of the house, meeting people, feeling useful and competent. Again, think about asking him to contribute to the cost of childcare, over and above the maintenance he's currently paying.

If he feels so strongly about being parted from his daughter, which it sounds like he does, he needs to make some sacrifices, not just you.

[GreenPeppers]

Hmm I think that sort of situation is never clear cut TBH.
It's hard living somewhere with no support at all.
It's hard being far if family when you are depressed.
It's hard living somewhere where you don't feel you belong.

A lot of the times on MN, you hear 'a happy mum makes a happy child'.
If this is what the OP needs to be happy and able to look after her dd well, then why not?? Because the alternative, staying where she is and being depressed certainly isn't good for her dd either....

Re organisation... I think he dad might be a bit optimistic there.
Having his dd 4 days a week means he needs childcare, there will be no nursery for her (is that good for her learning?). That also means a big disruption for her, moving from one end of the country to the other so often.
And it will be very hard to manage with two parents working (who will take time off to take the dd from one place to the next??).

I really don't think it's an easy situation and I do think both options are fraud with issues.
It's more of an issue of finding the less bad of them. And it isn't obviously for the OP to stay where she is.

[witsender]

Have a long hard think about how you would feel were the roles reversed. My heart goes right just thinking about it.

[GreenPeppers]

I would assume that the OP has already looked at all the things she can do to look after herself, have some support etc where she is though...

Just reread the OP and realise the dad doesn't want something half week with him, half week with the OP but two weeks with him, two weeks with the OP.
Well, I would encourage him to look at the cost of childcare for a full month, full time whilst he isn't actually using half of it.... i susoevtvthat will be a big déterrant for him and quite possibly much more money than the maintenance he is paying to the OP....

[witsender]

Tight, not right.

[VestalVirgin]

YANBU.

You need the support of your family, why should his wish to keep his job trump your needs?

(To all those who told her to just suffer in silence, would you also say this if they were still a couple? That the man's needs are more important? Surely he can get a job closer to where her family lives.)

[Cocklodger]

So hang on, you're concerned primarily for

• a nursery she doesn't even go to yet (I presume) and
  
• money that you'd no longer be entitled to (rightly so under 50/50 care)??
  

YABU. You have your priorities wrong.
You should either allow him to become primary carer or keep things as they are. Moving her to be 7hrs away is extremely U, As is then offering him 4 days out of 14, 28hrs of which your DD would spend traveling :S

[ThomasandFriends]

So, you'll have her eight days st yours, say Sunday night to Tuesday morning the week following. On the Tuesday, leave at, say, 6 in the morning, arrive at his at 1, have lunch and leave at 2. Arrive home at 9. Repeat the journey on the Sunday.

And you'd want to repeat that pattern every fortnight for the next few years? Horrendous!!!

[Cocklodger]

Vestal- I'm telling her her DD's rights trump both of them.
If they were in a relationship this wouldn't be an argument, irrelevant..