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AIBU?

Moving away with DD

144 replies

Cadwallader · 04/04/2017 20:52

DD has just turned 3. Me and her dad are divorced. We come from the north east but moved south during the recession for a better quality of life, education, work etc.. DD was born down here.

DD spends every weekend with her dad. I struggle as a single mother and have decided to move back to the north east where I have the support of my family. It's a 7 hour journey away.

Her dad is incredibly upset. He has work down here so cannot leave and has requested that if I do go that we have a shared care arrangement, so 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks with me until she starts school. I am not happy about this as I will receive no maintenance and it will disrupt her learning at nursery. I'm not going to agree to it. I have suggested 4 days a fortnight.

AIBU?

OP posts:

Report

NotStoppedAllDay · 04/04/2017 21:52

Maybe be he lives near his family now..... his dd's extended family. Why should this child be ripped away from her other parent due to one selfish parent?

NotStoppedAllDay · 04/04/2017 21:54

peppers maybe his girlfriend can assist with childcare, depending on her work pattern?

HermioneJeanGranger · 04/04/2017 21:56

No-one's telling her to suffer in silence

People are just (rightly) saying that it's not reasonable to move her daughter seven hours away from her dad - especially when he has regular contact.

If the situations were reversed, and it was the dad wanting to move seven hours away, there would be uproar. And there has been on many threads - (why does he get to leave his kids and opt out of parenting etc etc). So why is it okay for the OP to do it?

Starlight2345 · 04/04/2017 21:56

I knew the response you would get on here before I read reply.

I am really not sure what the difference is 4 days a fortnight to 2 nights a week?

You comment about maintence does make it seem like you are more bothered about the money than the child.

I don't see how the 2 weeks each would work as you would be paying 2 lots of childcare..Assuming you are working.

Could you look at a plan that would work once your DC is at school.. Splitting school holidays so he isn't just one long fortnight but also some long periods.

JustMyLuckUnfortunately · 04/04/2017 21:58

Sorry but if he's a good Dad it's not fair in their relationship to move that far away & for her to barely see him.

As others have said if you really need your family can he be primary carer? Alternatively can you try to build some local support?

GreenPeppers · 04/04/2017 22:01

I'm finding it interesting that now that his dd is close by and it's easy to do, he doesn't have half of the time.
But somehow when his ex decides to make her life again and move back to where she comes from, he wants his dd half of the time.
Why not NOW?
If the girlfriend can do some of the childcare, why is she not doing it now (not that i think she should btw. I think childcare should be HIS responsibility).
If seeingbhis dd often is important, why does he not do that now??

Sorry but the cynic in me is saying that he is just saying that to be a pain and stop her from doing what she wants (or it would mean more effort from him to se her and he doesn't want to)

Megatherium · 04/04/2017 22:01

I know the schools are much better here but I need to be around my family.

Your daughter needs to be around her father, and you need to put her needs first.

GreenPeppers · 04/04/2017 22:02

This child is 3yo so yes going to nursery IS essential for her (the dd) and her education.
If it wasn't, the governement wouldn't have given nursery places to 2yo, esp in times when budgets are cut everywhere!!

Cadwallader · 04/04/2017 22:03

I'm a bit worried he might try to take me to court but as I'm her primary carer I think the court will side with me. I need to be happy to be a good mum.

OP posts:

GreenPeppers · 04/04/2017 22:06

And a child needs a um able to look after her adequalutely.
It's much harder to do that when you are depressed, have no support network around etc...
Actually I would say it's impossible to be a good mum when you are depressed (I'm talking as someone who has been depressed btw).

So this child NEEDS a mum that is able to look after her well, esp when the mum IS the primary carer and is the one looking after her most of the time.
Saying that it's essential for the mum to look after herself isn't being selfish. It's actually about ensuring that the mum CAN do that rather than being depressed and unable to connect. And therefore it's looking after the interest of the child FIRST.

CurlieSue · 04/04/2017 22:06

I planned to move 3 and a half hours away from my ex, taking my daughter. He got a prohibited steps order preventing me moving until a decision was made through the courts. It's very likely your ex will do the same. I got permission to move in the end but it was a lengthy and expensive process, as well as terribly upsetting. I would suggest you and your ex look into family mediation where you can come to some kind of agreement regarding child arrangements.

NerrSnerr · 04/04/2017 22:08

What is going to happen when she's at school? When will she see him? Are you willing to drive 7 hours on a Friday night and come back to collect her Sunday to facilitate a relationship? You'd have to pay for accommodation or drive 28 hours over a weekend.

BlueFolly · 04/04/2017 22:11

Is this a reverse?

NotStoppedAllDay · 04/04/2017 22:13

No. The court won't side with you

They will side with what's best for your child

Read up on the children's act

Msqueen33 · 04/04/2017 22:13

So she's with him every weekend? Could you go home during that time? Could he pitch in more maybe in the week? Have you looked into getting support for your depression? This must be a very tough situation but there was a post where a man and his new partner who was pregnant moved several hours away from his dc and it seen as him opting out and not bothering with his kids.

JayneAusten · 04/04/2017 22:15

I honestly don't know what's the right decision re moving but I definitely agree with you that 2 weeks with each parent is a horrible idea. She's not a possession that each parent should 'get' for a while and it will be horrible for a little child to not see her primary carer for 2 whole weeks at a time.

OnionKnight · 04/04/2017 22:16

I wouldn't assume that just because you're the primary carer that the court would side with you, it depends on the best interests of your daughter.

SovietKitsch · 04/04/2017 22:19

Go and see a solicitor. With the kinds of reasons you've given, and currently as the primary carer, a court is actually unlikely to stop you. As for whether you should, I just don't know.

SuperBeagle · 04/04/2017 22:19

If you think the court will "side" with you because you're her primary caregiver at the moment, you're fundamentally uninformed about the legal system and family court.

They will make a decision in the best interest if your child, and that won't mean you get to move her 7 hours away.

DelphiniumBlue · 04/04/2017 22:20

I suspect there's more to this than you posted,Cadwallader.
I think some of the replies you have had have been a little simplistic.
Certainly, your DD's interests are paramount, but as someone upthread said, his wish to stay in London doesn't trump yours to be back up north.

I'm wondering about why you are depressed and not coping, is it to do with the divorce and the way things have turned out? Are you able to work, or is it assumed that you will do all the childcare in the week to free him up to work? Do you get much support from him ( financially or otherwise).
What I'm thinking is that if you are struggling because of the divorce, if you can't work because of the lack of childcare and support, if you are alone and isolated , it's not really fair that you should be the one to make all the compromises. His work might be in London now, but is there a reason why it has to be that way permanently?
On the other hand is there anything he could do to make you feel more supported, to make a life for you here in the south more viable?
He's not being unreasonable to be upset, or to make suggestions, but you don't have agree to anything just yet. I think if you can talk to him amicably, there might be other options. If he's not prepared to make compromises, well, then you know where you stand.

whyIsARavenLikeAWritingDesk · 04/04/2017 22:22

I'm afraid you are being g unreasonable, you have a DD whose father is wanting and willing to be a part of her life and you want to take that away? A 7 hour drive each way is just going to be an upheaval and stressful for a 3 year imo! If the shoe was in the other foot how would you feel?
Like a pp said can you not go and visit family when ex has DD??

harderandharder2breathe · 04/04/2017 22:25

YABU

your daughter has a right to have a good relationship with her father. It's not ok for you to deliberately ruin that by moving her 7 hours away. You're a parent. You have to put your child first. Your child needs to keep good relationships with both parents.

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RedDahlia · 04/04/2017 22:26

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BlueFolly · 04/04/2017 22:33

can you not go and visit family when ex has DD??

That would be an awfully long journey for the OP though wouldn't it.

MadgeMak · 04/04/2017 22:34

Yes you do need to be happy to be a good mum. But that doesn't mean moving your daughter so far away from her father, you need to investigate other ways to help improve your own personal happiness before you take this leap. Exhaust all other avenues before you move so far away. Yes she does need a happy mother, she also needs her father. You need to find a compromise if possible.

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