Moving away with DD

[Cadwallader]

DD has just turned 3. Me and her dad are divorced. We come from the north east but moved south during the recession for a better quality of life, education, work etc.. DD was born down here.

DD spends every weekend with her dad. I struggle as a single mother and have decided to move back to the north east where I have the support of my family. It's a 7 hour journey away.

Her dad is incredibly upset. He has work down here so cannot leave and has requested that if I do go that we have a shared care arrangement, so 2 weeks with him, 2 weeks with me until she starts school. I am not happy about this as I will receive no maintenance and it will disrupt her learning at nursery. I'm not going to agree to it. I have suggested 4 days a fortnight.

AIBU?

[cathf]

I agree with everything pp have said.
You are being selfish and unfair, to both your ex and your daughter. I also agree that if the sexes were reversed, the couple of bolshy mums-are-always-right posters would be equally convinced the man was in the wrong.
However - unless things have changed massively since my dh was facing his ex in the family courts 12 years ago - I think the likelihood of your ex being able prevent you moving is negligible. In our experience, mum could more or less do as she wanted and would always be given either the benefit of the doubt or another chance.
As long as you can demonstrate loosly that you would be happier nearer your family, the court will likely take the view that your happiness would be beneficial to you daughter, so you would get your own way.

[Msqueen33]

OP you've not exactly sold the area. I feel bad for the ex DP as he might be a great day but is tarred by a few users on here as an awful dp. Point is we don't know. If my dh and I split he couldn't do 50/50 because of his work hours that's he's always had as he supports us.

Did you ever talk about moving back before the split? Do you have any real support network as it doesn't come across as you having a stable support network back home.

I'd like to move two hours away. But I have two children with disabilities and I can't risk them not having the good support they do here. I've always expressed a wish to move but at the moment despite being very depressed and miserable I'm here because at this time it's the best for my kids. I can't risk dragging them to a new area and school where they won't get what they need.

[Msqueen33]

@Originalfoogirl when I meant her ex writing this I meant it as...."I'm looking to move away from my ex wife and dd. I'm miserable but my ex wants to stay as her job is here". He'd be told he couldn't opt out of being a parent. I don't think a man would be treated with compassion if he was going away and leaving his child.

[FrenchLavender]

How many threads do you see here where the father buggers off back to his family after a split, and he gets slaughtered by posters saying he doesn't care about his kids because he's moving too far away for contact?!

Unfortunately this is one of those situations where regardless of the circumstances of the breakdown of the relationship, the NRP (usually the father) is expected to stay within spitting distance of his children and is hung drawn and quartered for moving too far away from them, meaning contact is reduced or more complicated.

On the other hand the RP (usually the mother) is free to move wherever she likes, including abroad, in order to 'get on with her life.' And when she does, her ex gets to spend EOW doing 400 mile round trips on the M1 otherwise he's a lazy bastard who can't make an effort to see his children.

[Allthebestnamesareused]

As I read it the father has the DD every weekend.

We do not know whether he would like her full time - perhaps he would have but perhaps he felt it was better for the DD to have time with her mother and did not want to upset mother further by saying I no longer want to be with you and by the way I am going for custody.

By wanting to move away and the fact that he has now asked for 50/50 I can see this going further if OP does try to pursue it by saying she is clearly not coping (mental health and fibromyalgia) to the point that she needs to go back to not-great parents and near druggy friends therefore I should have full custody.

I do get the impression that perhaps the fact that there is a new partner on the scene has pissed OP off and she is doing this to hurt her ex in the only way she can now. And "I won't get any maintenance" if its shared residence!!

I cannot see how a 3 year old would be able to travel 7 hours each way to maintain a relationship with her father. As in effect it is a 14 hour round trip for whichever party is taking/dropping off unless OP seriously believes that the contact DD has with her father should be in a hotel or on a sofa at a friend's or someone else's spare room.

[KateDaniels2]

He sees her every weekend, we don't know if for the whole weekend or just a few hours. We actually don't know how much he contributes to their DD life.

Read the first post. He has their dd for 'the weekend' op hasnt said anything different so why assume he doent have much involvement?

What we do know is that her support up north is non existant.

[midsummabreak]

www.singleparents.org.uk/organisations

gingerbread.org.uk/Forum/
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[Firesuit]

It's her ex's job, not her parent's, to relieve the pressure on her.

[Firesuit]

As far as I'm concerned, if being close to her family makes it easier for her to be a happy parent, then she should go. And if he is so absolutely heartbroken about it, he should find a job closer to where his child and her mother live

No, since only one of them has a good job, by the sound of it, that is what decides where they both should live.

There is no guarantee she will be much happier anywhere else, and I doubt she will be much happier there. If she's capable of being happy, she can learn to be happy where she is. If she's destined to be miserable, it's better that she's miserable where she is.

Actually, looking at her OP again, I see she says she needs support because she's struggling as a single mother. What needs to happen is that she gets the support from her ex. The DD needs to start spending 50% (or more) of her time with him, which will relieve the burden on her.

[larrygrylls]

Needsahalo,

'Relationships break down'

Agreed.

'It is not OK to suggest moving a child away from their father but suggesting a young child be removed from their primary carer is OK'

It depends on the ongoing circumstances and the best interests of the child. It is equally not OK for a father to work all hours to support his family to live the best life that they can, and then to expect the same ongoing support but not allow the father access to his children. I think that courts are beginning to see this and take account of it. Ideally, both parents need to find a compromise which is in the best interests of their child/children and work like adults to implement it. If they can't the courts will.

And, really, using the grandparents as foster parents while going back to a circle of druggie friends is not in the best interests of the child. The OP's posts do not actually talk much about her child, but merely about her needs. The most concerning word in her posts is to 'try' to stay away from her former circle of friends. This carried as much conviction as an alcoholic 'trying' to stay away from a bottle of wine that they have decided to buy and store in their house.

[juneau]

The problem with your argument OP is that it's all about YOU.

A family court will look at what is best for your DD, and moving 7 hours away from her DF is patently not in her best interests. She's only 3 years old, yet you're proposing that she be subjected to 14 hours of travel every two weeks, just to maintain a relationship with her DF. A man who hasn't done anything wrong, who clearly wants her in his life, who even wants 50/50 custody.

He should take you to court and prevent this move. You're being extremely selfish. You're not thinking about her or what is best for her at all. It's all about you and what you want and need. A family court would take a very dim view of that.

[notcreative23]

@mummytime she never said she has done or does drugs. She said there is drug use in the area. There is drug use in most areas wether you know about it or not.

[mummytime]

needsahalo - did you read the bit about: moving to an area with bad schools, high crime, mother will be in contact with her past drug dealers/drug using friends, and for parents who were possibly abusive/negligent in the mother's childhood.

For the OP I wouldn't have posted, but...

[Motherbear26]

Jonesey agreed... if he continues to want to do this when the realities set in. Not sure his new partner will want someone else's child full time though (and while I hope and pray this doesn't affect his parenting in the slightest, it is pretty well established on here that it sometimes does). I've already suggested OP takes him up on his 50/50 offer on a trial basis.

[needsahalo]

Leave your little girl with her dad and move back. He's clearly settled and stable

My ex tried this. 'Look at her, I've just left her with no job, no money coming in, thousands of pounds in debt that I am walking away from, pregnant with our third child, a sick parent at the other end of the country, she can't cope. On the other hand, here I am with the other woman and I introduced our children to her on the 8th day of our separation and we're now a family 3 weeks later and it really would be in my children's best interests for them to live with me.

Judge told him to fuck off. Not in those words, obviously.

Relationships break down. It is not OK to suggest moving a child away from their father but suggesting a young child be removed from their primary carer is OK? Really?

[notcreative23]

Can everyone quickly just take a minute and realise the dad never asked or offered to take DD full time.

And why would it be okay for their DD to be away from her mother but not her father? I'm not understanding the logic.

BOTH parents should be working together to make sure they are both okay and that their daughter is receiving the best possible care.

[RainbowsAndUnicorn]

You are a parent, your needs should come second. Moving a child so far away from their other parent to live in a town you describe is selfish beyond belief.

Let her live be with dad if you can't cope with being a parent and you do the four days a fortnight. Given that's what you believe is ok for him, you surely won't mind.

[BadKnee]

I am amazed that you would even think of doing this to your daughter. If I had the chance of a relationship with my father, a loving relationship, for my childhood, one shot, and my mother took that away I would never forgive her.

You want to go back to your family for support and yet you do not see that your daughter deserves that too. She is not your property to be haggled over.

[Mysterycat23]

My parents ended up 250 miles apart after the divorce. I had to fly once a month to see my dad for a weekend. He used to cry waving me off. It fucked me up.

When teen hormones hit the arrangement became totally unsustainable.

I'm 31 now and he's like a distant uncle. I cannot describe how much anger I have had to process towards both parents.

OP it's tough for you and this is a really horrible no win situation. It is so unfortunate.

But. On behalf of all children of divorced parents, I'm begging you PLEASE do not do this to your daughter. Please please please don't take her away from a dad who loves her and wants to continue a close relationship with her.

Can you move halfway? Can he move halfway? Can your family move closer to you?

Please please OP don't take her from a dad who is a good man and who loves her.

[JonesyAndTheSalad]

Mother well having his DD 50% of the time is changing his life isn't it?

Why should he miss out because she is having a hard time?

WHy is she the default parent when she's not coping?

[Motherbear26]

Bit shocked at the responses you are getting tbh. You are clearly struggling and in need of support and being near family would help you. Yes you are right to consider the potential impact on your child in all of this but I think at the minute you need to put yourself first and need help to get back on your feet.
As for your ex, I'm sure you are both responsible for the split so why on earth should his life not change at all while you 'put your child first'??? Of course the child's needs should come first but it is up to both parents to facilitate this. If he wants to see his child, he will, it is that simple. If he misses being close, why can't he move? I don't think the 2 weeks each solution is at all practical but if he was genuinely keen then I would be tempted to show willing and give it a try. It's easy to care for a child on weekends when you have nothing else to do, but looking after one on a day to day basis with work etc may help him realise how difficult things are for you.

At least he wants her and is prepared to have her 50/50. Most mums would be ecstatic with this.
So she should just suck it up and continue to live a miserable and lonely life because her ex is a responsible parent? (But not responsible enough to change his life in the slightest to help his ex partner?)

[HermioneJeanGranger]

But why should a three year old have to travel 7 hours each way to see her father? No way is that sustainable - especially when she starts school and has parties and activities at weekends. She can't travel down after school on a Friday for a weekend with dad - she'd barely be there 24 hours before having to get in a car and drive back!

Which means contact will fizzle and she'll see him during holidays at best. But when she gets older and her friends become more important, she won't want to spend her holidays at the other end of the country where she barely knows anyone.

How many threads do you see here where the father buggers off back to his family after a split, and he gets slaughtered by posters saying he doesn't care about his kids because he's moving too far away for contact?!

It's not as if dad has no contact and has never seen DD since birth - he's there and moving away is going to destroy that relationship because once she starts school the travel just won't be sustainable - practically, emotionally or financially. Skype is not the same as being there in person.

[araiwa]

im only going on what op has said. what else do you expect?

[notcreative23]

@araiwa it's not as if she's moving because she's bored, it's because she isn't feeling okay and needs her family's support. She wants to better herself so she can be the best parent she can be for her child. I don't think that's selfish. And since when is caring about your mental health selfish anyway?

We don't know exDH history so to label him a better and more caring/fit parent isn't fair at this point in time.
He sees her every weekend, we don't know if for the whole weekend or just a few hours. We actually don't know how much he contributes to their DD life.

OP offered up 4 days a fortnight which would be the equivalent of him having her both days every weekend. He actually isn't losing any time. I'm sure they could sort out travel so it's not as hard as both of them and easier for the child. Driving isn't the only option.

I think a lot of the comments on here to OP are really mean and judgemental. We literally know nothing about ExH and his new partner. How can you all be so certain that their home is even a good place for their DD?

[araiwa]

with each new post it makes it seem that the ex is more likely to get permanent care of dd and it is op that would be doing all the travelling for short visits.

no job, money, house, physical and mental illness, living in gp home who have a poor history, an unclear history of drug abuse vs a stable man with partner who has a job and house in an area with better schooling and is more concerned about dd than himself. youre gonna have a tough fight