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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Men on gynae ward

415 replies

roarityroar · 03/04/2017 12:55

Yesterday I was taken into hospital after heavy bleeding. I needed a blood transfusion and then went into theatre for surgery. They ask you to keep all sanitary pads to show how much you're bleeding, which is obviously very personal and after the general anaesthetic I felt groggy and vulnerable.

There are 4 beds in this ward with curtains. Two of the other three women have their partners here. I feel pretty vulnerable as it is and given it's the gynaecology ward AIBU to really not want random non-HCP men just a curtain away when I'm bleeding from my sodding vagina?

OP posts:
LickingTheButterKnife · 03/04/2017 15:14

Not sure if this has been discussed as I haven't read the whole thread, but what would the case of female partners? Would they be allowed to stay because they have the "right" gender?

I get more annoyed by partners staying outside of the permitted hours, or by family members sneaking in (think of 4 or 6 visitors at the same time!), or by both patients and visitors being loud (there was a lady in the antenatal ward using her phone on speaker and shouting for hours!).

stitchglitched · 03/04/2017 15:15

Not wanting men to be on the ward overnight isn't an additional need, it should be a basic right. If there is absolutely no reason for women to feel more squeamish in front of men then why do we have any sex segregated spaces at all?

DisneyMillie · 03/04/2017 15:16

I had a pill induced medical miscarriage after a missed miscarriage - had to stay in hospital on a gynae ward until it was complete and they only like to do them overnight here. I was in a complete state and I couldn't have coped without my dh there - I nearly left at the door going in as it was - luckily he was allowed and we were given a private room. I personally think it's terrible there aren't more private rooms even if it means paying to use them - or private hospital options - there was nowhere near us I could have used. Sometimes people really need others there.

treaclesoda · 03/04/2017 15:16

Yes we should be outraged. But as you say, this is a policy to outsource basic care to family members. By insisting that our partners stay, we are putting vulnerable women who can't have partners staying with them for whatever reason at risk and playing right into Tory policy

Yes, I agree. My post wasn't saying that I think visitors should be allowed and that anyone who doesn't like it has to just deal with it. I just meant that we are angry with the other patients when the real anger should be at the government and management.

5moreminutes · 03/04/2017 15:17

It doesn't matter what the men are thinking about.

People going on about being sure the men aren't interested in looking at the OP's genitals must surely be being deliberately obtuse.

It's a hospital ward - hospital wards are single sex and patients need to be able to sleep to recover. There shouldn't be any overnight visitors on an open ward unless it is a case that the patient is actively dying. The fact the visitors are male makes it worse on a single sex women's ward because it is very normal indeed to feel even more uncomfortable around unvetted random adult men when you are trying to sleep than around women.

The argument trying to shame the OP for being upset about having men around on a gynecologist ward specifically is jaw droppinggly disingenuous. Let's just have open plan mixed sex toilets with no cubicles, shame on anyone being ashamed to have a shit or change a tampon front of any random other adults, it's perfectly natural...

grannytomine · 03/04/2017 15:18

There are still mixed sex wards. I was on one just a few weeks ago. It was mainly men, at one point 3 women and later there were 4 of us. About 14 men.

scottishdiem · 03/04/2017 15:18

Interesting that someone thinks having partners around is a Tory plan to outsource care. So just remember women - if you want your partner there with you to offer support you are weak and enabling of Tory NHS trashing.

If there were enough resources available then there should be options for women like singe sex, no male support to partner wards as well as wards where people can freely offer and receive the support of loved ones without worry.

Unfortunately we dont have those resources so we have to make a choice. Women who are vulnerable and value support at difficult times or women who dont want other women to get that support due to their own perceptions of their vulnerabilities. Loving partners v Stranger Danger I suppose.

mtpaektu · 03/04/2017 15:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

rubbbleonthedouble · 03/04/2017 15:19

In the nicest way possible, I seriously doubt anybody visiting is interested in catching a glimpse of a used pad or listening in to what doctors are speaking to patients about.

They are there because their loved one is in hospital going through a similar trauma to you, and they want to support them. Not all men are predators wanting to make women feel uneasy or uncomfortable, they are just men, just other humans.

If I was in hospital I would want my husband by my side whenever possible.

Curtains are there to give you privacy, use them if you feel like you don't want anybody to see you.

treaclesoda · 03/04/2017 15:19

And obviously it's hard to make a hard headed decision that you must send your partner home and tolerate the misery of being alone and terrified when you're actually in that situation. It would take a strong person indeed to be able to say 'yes, go home, because I don't want to play into the hands of cost cutting government ministers' when actually what you want is to feel safe and cared for.

Spikeyball · 03/04/2017 15:21

Some adults do need another adult with them 24/7 or they will be at risk or put others at risk.

BentleyBelly · 03/04/2017 15:22

My husband has just come out of hospital after a stay on a gastro ward. They let me stay out of hours to help him as he was extremely anxious and wasn't comfortable with the nursing staff helping him clean up. I stayed quiet and out of the way as much as I could. He would do it the other way for me and I would want him there to help. I'm sorry you are having a rubbish time and hope you feel better soon but please try and understand that the other women may need help and support from their partners.

grannytomine · 03/04/2017 15:24

but for smaller wards and more staff so that there would be space and staff numbers to make some wards exclusively for women and some which allowed partners.

Should men's wards be the same i.e. some exclusively for men and some which allowed partners? I can see it all being a bit of a nightmare to run. What if you want your husband there and the only bed is in the female only bit or vice versa?

GotToGetMyFingerOut · 03/04/2017 15:25

I have been in the exact same situation. Haemorraged very badly for days after treatment to my cervix and was rushed for surgery.

I had no one who could be there with me and was desperate for someone to be there. So i think yabu sorry you have to accept whilst in a ward there will be people there whether you like it or not. I hope you are home soon recovering in the comfort of your own home.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 03/04/2017 15:25

VestalVirgin

re banning genders from a ward

when my Dad died he was in ICU with both sexes there, both

the HCP managed it so that people respected each others privacy however, and visitors were managed. trust me, some of the things we saw and heard. To suggest a certain gender be banned is just shocking in that scenario , and the people there were far more vulnerable that a standard gynae wards

I do however 100% agree that visiting hours need to be respected, when I had gynae surgery all the checks and balances were done primarily morning time when there were no victors about

some of the scenarios on here are just shocking

  • people being name called
visitors using the loo visitors all night. NO NO NO

basically what stitch said

If it was properly managed, women would have such an issue

Megatherium · 03/04/2017 15:27

I do understand that you feel vulnerable, but your wish for privacy could be accommodated relatively easily with help from the hospital, whereas it's not so easy to accommodate other patients' need for support from people who love them. In fact, the availability of support for those other patients may well be freeing up nurses to help you. If the gown they give you is inadequate, ask for another.

AromatAddict · 03/04/2017 15:27

Surely you have bedclothes as well as curtains around the bed though and you are not lying like a star for all the world to see. From my recent experience of the NHS I think we all need to re-adjust our expectations of the NHS. A MASH would have dealt with me better. It's like a third world country in my local A & E.

5moreminutes · 03/04/2017 15:35

Morphene do you object to single sex toilets and changing rooms, or single sex spaces in every situation, or is your objection to women not wanting adult males they don't know to have unrestricted access to places where they feel vulnerable specific to hospital?

grannytomine · 03/04/2017 15:36

The ward I was on was wonderful, the nicest nurses you could wish to meet, well I would prefer to meet them in other circumstances but still. They were really strict about visiting hours though, the only exception I saw in five days was a man who I think had dementia and was very distressed and they let his wife come in and help settle him. I think everyone was relieved when she arrived. They did let me have extra visitors on the Sunday afternoon as my grandchildren wanted to visit but I was told if they were noisy we would have to go into a family room next to the ward. They behaved so there wasn't a problem.

Megatherium · 03/04/2017 15:39

I'm not sure this is that new. 25 years ago when I had a miscarriage accompanied by a major haemorrhage my DH was on the ward with me from when I was admitted at 4 a.m. till I was carted off for surgery at around midday. And it was a good thing he was, too, as he was the one who called for urgent help when I was passing out. He certainly had zero interest in any other patient throughout that period.

chickensatay · 03/04/2017 15:40

I work in a hospital where all rooms are private with an ensuite. If I had £1 for everyone who complained (patient or relative) I would be rich. I hear it at least 5 times a day.

ragdoll700 · 03/04/2017 15:40

After I had my miscarraige all I wanted was my DP with me trust me we have no idea why anyone else was on the ward.

5moreminutes · 03/04/2017 15:44

The third world references sound exactly spot on - some people's accounts of NHS wards on here sound just like a news item about a crisis in a third world country with hospital footage of people everywhere and families bringing inmeals and washing and doing a lot of the care for patients.

All visitors should be confined to fairly generous visiting hours. No visitors should be there at night unless the patient is dying.

When i had DC3 my one room mate was utterly thoughtless and didn't kick her large group of co-workers out at the end of visiting hours so I buzzed and a nurse came and told everyone who wasn't a patient to leave. I can't get my head around what I'm reading on this thread.

As someone explained upthread - everyone benefits from privacy and quiet and fewer people about at night, only one person benefits from their visitors, therefore the person hosting visitors overnight on an open ward is the selfish one because they think their wants are more important than those of everyone else. They are the one who should be paying for a private room -nighttime privacy and quiet apart from medical care is the default not a special need!

JaneEyre70 · 03/04/2017 15:45

I agree completely OP. I've been on a mixed sex ward once for an acute infection, had to wear a hospital gown and literally was terrified of going to the loo as DH kept forgetting my dressing gown..... curtains are no privacy at all and being around strange men was very very unsettling. I learned more about men's anatomy that week than I'd done in 10 years with my DH. It wasn't nice.
Having partners overnight is acceptable on a labour ward. Nowhere else. I had a stillborn baby, stayed in overnight and DH was sent home. Every woman on that ward had a right to privacy and sleep. My personal pain didn't trump that.

Titsywoo · 03/04/2017 15:48

I understand your want for privacy but I'm afraid I do understand the partners bring there. The last 2 ops I have had were gynae related and the hospitals I was in had women only wards with no male visitors allowed. I'm terrified of ops anf desperately wanted my partner with me before and afterwards but instead had to sit there alone and scared. Not pleasant.