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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I treating my son like a slave?

154 replies

ViolentDelights · 02/04/2017 20:06

Because he seems to think so. Hmm He's 6 and a half.

Today I have asked him to do the following; - tidy the toys away in the playroom before getting arts and crafts stuff out,

  • clear the table after each meal (just taking plates into the kitchen - I do the washing up myself),
  • quick hoover of the playroom and living room (they're inter-connected and not that big, and I don't expect him to do under furniture - just what's visible).
  • put his own pile of clean, folded washing away,
  • do a final quick tidy of the playroom before bed.

As a result I have been subjected to a screaming tantrum everytime I've asked him to do something. He has had plenty of play time and active outdoor time inbetween each chore but because his 2 year old sister doesn't have to put her own clothes away (yet) I'm apparently akin to a slave driver. Aibu?

OP posts:
BaggyCheeks · 03/04/2017 14:35

harshbuttrue I ask my DS(4) to help clear the table after we eat. He's hardly stood washing the dishes, though he sometimes asks to help wash them. It teaches him that no one is anyone's slave in this house, and that we all contribute to having a nice environment to live in. How else do you think 16 year olds help out around the house? From having seen my younger brother not be asked to do anything while my sister and I mucked in, it's not by not getting them to do anything.

Original poster
ViolentDelights · 03/04/2017 14:51

Thanks for all the responses, certainly food for thought.

Just for clarity, he's never had to do any chores while I sit around doing nothing. When he is clearing the 4 plates from the table (we're not a family of ten lol) I am in the kitchen washing up. When he was putting his pile of clothes away, I was doing mine and his sister's. The hoovering is definitely not a regular thing for him, just something I ask him to do occasionally and we only have a small henry hoover which isn't heavy and is easy to move around. It just seems that yesterday was a particularly chore heavy day. For balance, today he hasn't done anything except play and we're off to the aquarium now.

I certainly don't want to recreate my experience of being a young carer with my children, I simply want to ensure they grow up knowing how to look after themselves and their home and by starting them early I was hoping to avoid battles further down the line in the teenage years. But I have taken everything on board and will be careful about how much he has to do in future.

OP posts:
WhooooAmI24601 · 03/04/2017 14:57

My rule is that when we get home from school we all do a couple of chores til it's done and then we all get to play together. I work full time in a school so tend to relax the rules during holiday time, but during term time the 11 year old will come home, pick up the hoover and do a quick run-around downstairs. The 6 year old will unload the washer/dryer and put another load in while I do pots/sort out the animals. The 11 year old walks the dog, usually we all go but if I'm marking he happily takes her out by himself. They also put away their own laundry and tidy whatever toys they've had out that day before bed. They set the table ready for dinner and will often help while I cook.

Decent survival skills are essential to a happy adulthood. I'm not making anyone's life happier or easier if I allow them to lay on the sofa while I graft each day; they'll grow up incompetent and unable to survive solo.

skerrywind · 03/04/2017 15:40

they'll grow up incompetent and unable to survive solo.

I did no housework as a child.

I bought my first house when I was 19. It wasn't difficult to work out how to do housework- it's hardly rocket science.

supermoon100 · 03/04/2017 15:49

I don't give my kids too many chores. They've got the rest of their lives for that.

skerrywind · 03/04/2017 15:56

Supermoon- that's exactly how I feel.

My kids are busy enough. They have school full time, work, extra curricular activites, and they need down time too.

I don't ask any more of them.

Falafelings · 03/04/2017 17:59

We are a team, my family.

RainbowsAndUnicorn · 03/04/2017 18:03

Housework is very simple, it doesn't need teaching. I didn't do lots of things as a child that I can do now.

Children not doing chores doesn't make for useless adults, if they don't do much household stuff or much work it's down to laziness not inability.

trixymalixy · 03/04/2017 18:07

I think it's fine. I ask my 7 year old to put away her folded clothes every week and to hoover every so often.

fzz33 · 03/04/2017 18:31

I didn't hoover til I was 9 and I thought that was an injustice. But hoovering and lawn mowing came in at the same time :D

WhooooAmI24601 · 03/04/2017 18:37

DH and I moved in together when he was 30. He'd lived at home til that point and had done nothing at all because MIL did everything. He hadn't even learned to cook because he'd never needed to; that's not something that suddenly comes when you buy your first home.

It was a shock to his system to suddenly have his own mess and clutter and washing and cleaning to deal with. I've spent ten years watching him have to learn stuff he should've learned as a youngster and, frankly, I judge MIL for allowing him to grow up incompetent and lazy and I judge him for willingly being so lazy. I did chores as a child and got over it. Mine will do just the same.

Ellapaella · 03/04/2017 18:59

You are not treating him like a slave, no. I have a 6 year old and I wouldn't ask him to hoover but this is mainly because we have a stupid big clumpy heavy dyson which is hard enough for me to drag around never mind him. Folding clothes, tidying away toys and taking dirty dishes to the kitchen sounds fine. In fact I personally think it is good for kids to learn from an early age to take part in keeping the family house going, it bodes well for the future. Far better to get him used to it now than face that battle when he is a teenager.
My 6 year old folds away his clothes, puts dirty laundry in the linen basket, helps clear dirty dishes and load the dishwasher and has to tidy up toys at the end of the day. All of these tasks take a few minutes at most.

skerrywind · 03/04/2017 19:11

WhooooAmI24601 it took 10 years for your OH to learn how to do housework?

Seriously? What is to learn exactly? It's hardly complicated.

nosyupnorth · 03/04/2017 19:23

Bloody hell! Clearing everybody's dishes after every meal?
Gosh, I'd balk a little if I were back living with my parents and they started demanding that and I'm a grown woman.

No wonder the kid is feeling a little hard done by if he's having to do a chore he never sees you do. He's doing everyone's share of the work with that one.
Of course, as an adult you're probably pulling more than your weight in other areas with chores he's still to young for, but you can't really except a six year old to gasp that.

An organized system that outlines fair expectations for everybody would probably feel a lot fairer to the kid than a system that comes across like any time something needs doing he's being summoned to work.

Falafelings · 03/04/2017 19:23

I didn't know how to work a washing machine, how to boil an egg, how to cook a basic meal, how to bake a cake, how to maintain a clean house, how to do basic DIY/gardening and so on. My mother spent hours doing it all for us (5 kids) and spent little quality time with us as a direct result. Now as adults my four brothers can't cook, expect their wives to run around doing house chores and their wives curse my mother. Ive learnt everything since leaving home and the hardest part has been establishing a routine.

Falafelings · 03/04/2017 19:27

Nosy. I'm sure the child can see that OP cooked the meal and as he does the chore, OP washes up. She's not sat on her arse. He's doing a tiny one minute job.

GreenPeppers · 03/04/2017 19:31

nosy I tell my dcs that there are plenty of things I and DH do for the whole family. Such as cooking the meal, doing the washing up, cleaning the clothes and ironing.
So they are tidying up the table for everyone. Because that's what families do. They isn't just do their own little bit. They are happy to contribute to the functioning of the whole family unit.
Because we are a team. Not isolated individuals.

Tbh, I would be shocked if one of my dcs was telling me that as an adult.
Unless of course, they are also happy to cook their own meals when they are coming to visit? And do their own washing up, swiping the floor etc?

GreenPeppers · 03/04/2017 19:33

And btw, yes you CAN and SHOULD expect a 6yo to grasp that.
My dcs certainly have.

skerrywind · 03/04/2017 19:35

I didn't know how to work a washing machine, how to boil an egg, how to cook a basic meal, how to bake a cake,

In my experience all washing machines are different. Every time I have bough a new one I read the instruction manual.

Learning how to boil an egg is really not hard to learn.

Cooking can be as simple or complicated as you like. It has been fun teaching myself to cook.
Baking a cake is not an essential life skill. I never bake.

Establishing a routine?

I don't have a routine for housework- if it's dirty it needs cleaning.

Simple,

Expatosaurus · 03/04/2017 19:37

nosy surely if you're back at your parents' place and they cook you a meal you automatically offer to help clear the table and wash up Confused

I left home not knowing most of this stuff and I don't want that for my DS, I want them to be independent, know what they need to do. Not be like the student at the end of the corridor who was the laughing stock because he piled his dirty washing in the corner of the room and his mum drove 12 hours round trip to pick it up, take it home wash it for him and bring it back.

I actually decided to get the DC involved more because DS was being incredibly disrespectful to us and our belongings so we decided he should get some idea of what we do actually do for him. Also, due to ASD I think in the long term, it is better for him to learn this stuff now so it's part of his general routine.

Falafelings · 03/04/2017 19:50

Skerry you say that but my brothers wives and myself would disagree. My brothers are missing and have struggled to learn a whole basic skill set. They don't see what needs doing, they don't grasp how to do a Sunday roast, they feel entitled not to pull their weight, they resist doing their household responsibilities. More then anything my mother was so busy doing chores she spent no quality time with us. She was quite the absent parent despite being in the house.

elodie2000 · 03/04/2017 19:51

Chores should be done together at 6 IMHO! 'Let's put the books away before we get out the paint...'
'If you pop those toys back in this box, I can Hoover the carpet'
'Can you put the t-shirts in that drawer whilst I hang up your shirts?' 'If you bring the cups into the kitchen, I'll do the plates'
That kind of thing. 2 year old can join in too.

WaegukSaram · 03/04/2017 20:12

Is putting laundry away really a big ask? My 5yo has to pUT hers away, it's usually a little every day, takes five minutes or less. She does grumble but she understands we're a team.

Agree hoovering is a bit much but everything else seems fine.

nosyupnorth · 03/04/2017 21:49

eh you all can let other people walk over you and call it nice, i stand by what i said.
i spent a week back with my whole family at christmas and you can be sure that everybody took turn doing their share of the tasks - somebody cooks, somebody lays the table, somebody clears it, somebody washes the dishes - and those were rotated to make it fair, nobody was just lumped with one job

the poor kid is SIX not sixteen or twenty six, yes his parents are cooking for him but that's their job as parents to a small child, not some debt he needs to balance out with other labour.

PeachyImpeachment · 03/04/2017 21:56

I can see why you are worried from your background though you sound such a thoughtful parent to me. Please visit and help me with my teenagers!