Am I treating my son like a slave?

[ViolentDelights]

Because he seems to think so. He's 6 and a half.

Today I have asked him to do the following; - tidy the toys away in the playroom before getting arts and crafts stuff out,

• clear the table after each meal (just taking plates into the kitchen - I do the washing up myself),
• quick hoover of the playroom and living room (they're inter-connected and not that big, and I don't expect him to do under furniture - just what's visible).
• put his own pile of clean, folded washing away,
• do a final quick tidy of the playroom before bed.

As a result I have been subjected to a screaming tantrum everytime I've asked him to do something. He has had plenty of play time and active outdoor time inbetween each chore but because his 2 year old sister doesn't have to put her own clothes away (yet) I'm apparently akin to a slave driver. Aibu?

I think it's ok although I wouldn't expect the hovering to be done very well. 😂 Putting your laundry away is just popping everything into a drawer - that's easy isn't it? I do t see the problem.

I always have asked my dcs to do what you are asking your ds.
Not the hoovering I have to say but that came around when They were a bit older (9yo ish??)
I see no issue with the pillow cases.
I've expected the dcs to change their own beds since they were about 9~10yo with a proviso - that they can physically do it.
(The reason here is that dc2 has a high bed. There is no way he can change the bed sheet easily - I would struggle so I actually leave that to DH who is taller! But I would add being tall enough and stronger enough to lift the duvet etc.. to it).

Remember though that, by asking him to do all that, he will be one of the very few to do it amongst his friends.
Both dcs went away with school in Y6 and both came back saying they had to 'helpmmake the bed' of their friends (pillow case and duvet cover) as none of them had ever done it before .....

I expect you will hear about him 'being a slave' for a long time.

Fwiw, ,y answer to that is that we are all a family and a team. That means everyone helps in the team, in their own ways. And yes that includes them!!

My 6 year old clears the table and sometimes tidies his toys but that's about it. He is desperate to do dangerous things like make cups of tea and iron so I am showing him how to do that, under supervision. I imagine they will lose their attraction when he is allowed to do them on his own. Scrambled eggs is a great idea. He can already make toast. He could do lunch for us next weekend

2 year old DD does a LOT of tidying. Much more than me

DD is 6 she does a quick Hoover some weekends, she also takes off her bed sheet and puts a clean one on, i do the quilt and we do a pillow each.
She is a 6 yr old child at the end of the day, not a chimp. We all muck in together.

Ooh I loved doing the sheets with my DM when I was little. The billowing, and the still-warm-from-the-dryer smell!

Mine once told me he wasn't my slave...Never again after been explained exactly how poor life is for a slave and I listed everything I had done for him that day.. Which took far longer than it would to do whatever he had been asked to do.

My DS (9) sorts underwear and puts his away mine on my bed..He doesn't put the other stuff away as I like the things I have ironed to look like they have bee ironed. He usually mops the floor very ocassionally mops.. He does have 2 regular jobs, take rubbish and recycling out and feed his g.pig. However he is often asked to do something while I am busy.. What I don't do is ask him to do something while I am sat down. He asked to iron last week so I left him a couple of easy items to Iron so he has the experience but not something I expect him to do. He also cooked sweet and sour chicken and rice from scratch today ( his asked nothing I asked him to do ) ..If they never do anything how will they ever learn.

When my DS was little he used to beg me to clean the toilet.. Part of me felt mortified that it was something my DS would do but also aware once that moment passed it is something he would not ask to do again.

I also think it is about balance.. If you were a young carer do you get plenty time to play, do you sit with him when he is making craft. I sometimes get my DS to do a 15 minute tidy up together then we play a game.

That said if he is playing in the garden I don't fetch him in to do jobs.

My 7yo hoovered the whole house today - he was pretty incompetent at it and I had to "just do a quick sweep for the couple of specks you missed" (ie do the whole room again) in every room. He enjoys hoovering and wanted to.

We had previously had a half hour tantrum about our cruel slave-driverness when we said he had to wipe the crumbs off the table after lunch. I think it's a normal part of growing up to resent it when parents start moving away from waiting on you hand and foot to expecting you to contribute. We calmly respond to each wailed "why?" with "because you don't have any servants and in a family everyone does whatever they can to help everyone else"

Can you come and teach mine how to put stuff away please?

I also think it's a bit much for his age. My ds is nine (just) and has only started helping with table clearing (not always on his own) and putting his clothes away in the last year. He has always been encouraged to tidy away his own toys. He has only vacuumed once. He was four and was so desperate to do his bedroom. I wouldn't expect him to do it now but we do have a hand held vac and I will ask him to get crumbs from the floor with it. He does empty the dishwasher every day but that is a fairly recent thing as he has not been mature enough to do it sensibly.
I'm all for chores but age appropriate ones and not so many in one day. We shall see in a few years whether I am making a rod for my own back!

I'd say all reasonable but the hoovering might be a bit much for a 6yr old. Depends on size of rooms I guess, my Hoover is very heavy so a 6yr old would struggle with it. I struggle to get mine to do anything so you're right to start at young age. Mine are helping now as I've had major surgery but not without pulling a face!

I think too much over one day.

Things like:
Fair enough to ask him to take his plate through, and possibly a couple of other things, but did his dsis take her plate through? At 2yo they can do that.
Equally well his dsis could carry some of her laundry upstairs.
One of the issues with the above two things is it can very quickly become the older does the work and the younger is too little. Thing is when he's 7yo and she's 3yo he'll still be bigger and more capable. Just as much when she's 6yo and he's10yo, and it's very easy to end up with the youngest never doing it.

I think overall I'd have rules like:
All take their plate over.
All take laundry upstairs.
All tidy up at the end of the day.

Then he can have his job. Maybe that's hoovering/changing the pillowcases/washing the car.

But other things done more on the: "If you do the hoovering then I can play a game/read story/do something else with you." so they see it as helping you, but while they're so small they get something out of it for themselves.

That is a LOT of chores for a six year old for one day. A LOT.

I firmly believe in the benefit of chores - but they must be age appropriate, or you are just using him as a servant.

Totally reasonable but clearly I am a cow as I expect my 22 month old to help me put things away in the playroom and she helps sort the washing too

Another slave driver here! [blush}

My children help around the house doing some light chores. They like getting involved when they see me tidying.
-bringing their food from the counter to the table for breakfast
-bringing their dirty dishes to the sink after meals
-wiping the area if they spill their drinks
-tidying away their toys
-throwing dirty clothes in the basket
-helping remove the dishes from the dishwasher
-handing me the washing to put on the washing line

It's teaching them to be responsible and tidy up after themselves. I don't think it does them any harm and it is part of working as a family. I do the beds/cleaning/cooking etc.

Hoovering and putting his clothes away is definitely too much for him he's young still let him be a child

I teach my kids enough household skills to look after themselves and be able to run their own home. They keep their rooms tidy, bring down laundry, take their plates to the kitchen after eating, that's it. I don't expect them to do general housework and help to clean The Family Home, because they'll have their own family home when they're adults and there'll be enough hard work and drudgery for them then.

OP, agree with previous posters who say you must be interrupting him regularly to get him involved in housework, no wonder he's resentful.

I did a ton of housework growing up and my mum was constantly calling me here there and everywhere, sending me to the shop, getting me to mind my younger sister etc, calling me all the way downstairs to get her a drink of stuff from the kitchen; about twelves steps from where she was sat. I changed bed, washed up every night, peeled veg and prepared meals every night, minded my younger sister all day, hoovered and polished and cleaned the bathroom and toilet every weekend from age around 8 or 9. It was shit and kids shouldn't have to do all that.

Hoovering and putting away clothes are a bit much at age six IMO

Hi Violent
I posted on page 1 about young carers but haven't seen how this thread has grown until now.

the thing that is different between most posters on this thread and a Young Carer is that most of the posters are like ".... bless, he hoovers up/dusts/etc, but I follow him round and re-do the job to make it ok" and a Young Carer doing the hoovering or the dusting IS the hoovering or the dusting.

It's not the young person being asked to contribute (which will fluctuate depending on the adult - some expect a lot, some expect nothing and everything in between) it's whether what the young person does is all there is. So there's a poster up thread saying her kid cooked a meal from scratch at the child's behest. That's lovely. If that poster was around to provide ingredients, supervise knife work/using the oven/or cooker etc that isn't being a young carer.

If the people in the house eating relies on a child producing the food, it is.

Do you see what I'm saying, Violent? It's not about asking your child to do tasks. Parents do that. But the expectation that a 6 yr old would DELIVER competently on those tasks is, I gently think, a big ask.

I'm happy to PM you about this if you'd think it was helpful.

I don't think you are U or nasty at all, but I do think you are putting a LOT on a 6yr old. And your younger child too.

I have a 6 & 4 yo. I ask them to contribute to self-care type things like taking their plate off the table and clearing it, and tidying toys.

If they've made a mess such as bringing dry cereal into the lounge (food in kitchen only), then they need to sweep/ vacuum that up. I wouldn't ask them to do a routine vacuum.

I ask them to put their clothes in the laundry basket ( but not consistently enough) but putting laundry away doesn't work for me as I have an efficient system. Their clothes are in one large wardrobe and I pull the drawers out in steps and throw the items into the appropriate drawer, or onto the other bed if its side is obstructed by the sliding door. Their clothes are close in size with many duplicates so its really not worth getting them involved at present. They also share socks and pants as they're the same size, have the same taste and keep them in the same room. Individual ownership wouldn't work as they'd only pull each others out regardless!

Add the hoovering and laundry onto the paid optional extra chores.

They're only little once, he's going to spend his entire adult life cleaning up after himself. Tidying up toys and taking his plate out is enough, surely?

All of that sounds age appropriate. Next time he has a tantrum leave him to it and stage manage one of your own, the next time he says he is hungry or wants something from you. Then have a discussion about how everyone has to do jobs in a family for everything to run smoothly and it isn't fair to through your weight around about it and expect one person to do everything. Ask him how would he feel if you refused to feed him?

Mine at 5 and 3...

Take their clean laundry to their bedroom (place on top of chests I put away later)

Take their plates/cutlery/drinks to the kitchen after every meal (obviously I load the dishwasher)

Put their toys away after playing with them, especially before meals, Normally in the right place.

Both love to help using the Dyson, on occasion I have let dc1 loose on the lounge.

They are expected to tidy up after playing e.g. Playdoh goes away, craft bits back in the box.

I don't think you are asking too much. Mine normally do all of the above and more I just can't think without a moan.

They also put their dirty clothes in the baskets either in the kitchen or bedroom

I must be a monster! My 3yo hoovered today. Properly hoovered not for fun. But we were all having a big tidy up afternoon so we could have more time for fun this week. He has also been on a bike ride, been to a party and watched a film. There's plenty of time for fun as well as learning to be part of a family.
My boys (8,7,3) do all of those jobs OP - but I definitely wouldn't ask them to tidy the living room more than once in a day (not even every day).
Bedrooms need to be tidy on a Saturday if they want pocket money - I don't nag them to do it every day but just point out how long it will take if they don't keep on top of it.
Every day jobs - own plates in dishwasher/own shoes, bags, coats away after school, take turns making drinks and getting out cutlery for meals. I encourage them to help cook but I never make them.
My ds is dyspraxic and it mostly affects his ability to organise himself and prioritise tasks. I feel like I need to instil some of the 'obvious' self care and cleaning routines now as I don't think he'll just pick them up on his own.