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AIBU?

To Consider Ending My Marriage Over This?

146 replies

Thisisthefirsttime · 01/04/2017 22:07

My husband (not the father of my eldest two) and I have been together for 8 years.

For the last few years he has been sulky and moody and moans about lots of minor things. Usually he mutters under his breath but gets over it quite quickly. Generally he is quite lovely and would do anything for us/anyone.

Examples of his temper flaring include getting angry about the recycling not rinsed out to his standards or having to do the washing up (he does this twice a week as we have a rota). Nothing major.

Tonight though, he put the sauce in before the pasta when dishing out the dinner that I made. No big deal but he flipped. Threw the sauce all over the cooker and splash back, then threw the dish into the sink whilst shouting at me.

My 18yo (not his) heard and came out of her room. She witnessed him push me hard (first time he's done this but seemed as though he was going to hit me then changed his mind) As he was heading for the door she stepped in front of him and told him to never ever do that and to get out. There was a tussle and he shoved past her to grab my car keys. I said not to take the car whilst angry and he ripped the key cabinet off the wall and threw it down which missed me but caught my daughter's arm and cut it.

He left. He called about 20 minutes later to say he was coming back. I said should apologise for his behaviour as all the kids (18, 12 and 3) were upset and scared. He refused.

He came back and did apologise but my daughter was still very shaken and upset and the 12yo was crying. About sauce?!

It was ridiculous. I said that this kind of thing couldn't happen again but I'm wondering if perhaps I should end it now. I was in an abusive relationship with my previous husband and put up with it longer than was safe or healthy because I didn't want to fail at marriage. This time I'm not bothered. I just want to protect my kids from this kind of shit.

OP posts:

Report

HappyFlappy · 01/04/2017 22:31

*will - not all

TitaniasCloset · 01/04/2017 22:31

Out of

MsGameandWatch · 01/04/2017 22:31

He was violent to you and one of your children. There's no choice but to end it.

DrowningSeas · 01/04/2017 22:33

He needs to go.

If only to show your daughter that these relationships are not acceptable and never to let a man treat you with disrespect.

And your sons that it's unacceptable.

And protect yourself.

Calvinlookingforhobbs · 01/04/2017 22:34

Imagine it were your daughter in your situation, what would you tell her to do??

One woman in the U.K. does w eryweek from domestic abuse. End it. Life is too short.

Pigface1 · 01/04/2017 22:34

YANBU!!!!

Leave him - this is disgraceful.

Topuptheglass · 01/04/2017 22:36

Whether she criticised him or not doesn't give him the green light to turn into the Hulk!

OP I hope you can get the strength to do the right thing.

WyfOfBathe · 01/04/2017 22:37

Leave him. Immediately.

If he had hurt you, I would tell you to leave but accept it was your choice. But he hurt your DD, and so you MUST protect her.

dataandspot · 01/04/2017 22:42

Top up

Of course it doesn't! I was just trying to understand why a man who dished up the sauce then became abusive about the way he'd done it!!

MrsHarveySpecterV · 01/04/2017 22:42

He didn't hit you but he pushed you and hurt your daughter. There is no question, you cannot have him back in your house. How would that make your daughter feel after she stood up to him and got hurt? My father sided with his abusive wife and I am now NC with him because of it and my siblings look to be heading that way too. Please don't let that happen to you and your children

pocketsaviour · 01/04/2017 22:43

Does his behaviour degenerating into sulky and moody coincide with you getting pregnant with/giving birth to his DC? Because abusers often start to show their true colours at this point, when they think they have you trapped.

It sounds like you know what you need to do. Good luck

ohfourfoxache · 01/04/2017 22:43

Get him out of there fast.

So poor diddums might be stressed about something and op needs to get to the bottom of it?

Fuck that.

No one should EVER behave like he has done- it is never acceptable. Never.

Are you and the DC safe op?

DameDeDoubtance · 01/04/2017 22:46

What a warrior your dd is! She stood up to a nasty bully because she wants to protect you. Don't let her down now.

jobvcareer · 01/04/2017 22:50

Your daughter is bloody amazing. She was very brave to stand up for you like that.
The fact he said he wouldn't apologise on returning to the house says it all really, he feels entitled not only to fly off and speak to you like shit but also physically hurt and abuse you and your amazing daughter with no consequences.
Frankly he sounds like an out of control nasty bastard. Show him, and your daughter what you will and won't tolerate.

Silvereyes · 01/04/2017 22:51

Hi op, if your DH is unwilling to have an open discussion as to why he behaved in this way, I'm unsure if you have much of a future together.

Let him explain, not excuse, his behaviour then make your descion. Adult children will never forget, your DH needs to talk honestly to them too. There isn't an easy answer for his behaviour.

ferriswheel · 01/04/2017 22:51

Please, please pm me. I have learned a lot about this stuff, unfortunate, I can help you understand and work out a plan.

I'm sorry but yes, you do have to leave him. The pp who mocks the mn 'ltb' is naive and fortunate to have not experienced what we have.

Travelledtheworld · 01/04/2017 22:53

I am sorry.
My husband once flew into a rage and grabbed and shook me because he didn't think I was stacking the dishwasher properly.

Most of the time he is very laid back.
Never really got to the bottom of it.........

jobvcareer · 01/04/2017 22:53

And it won't be you who's failed at this marriage, it's him who can't live with other human beings in a decent manner.
You will be an ex wife, but you will be a kick ass fantastic mum and a strong example to all of your children.

sonjadog · 01/04/2017 22:55

Yes, you have to end it. He has been violent towards you and your daughter. Your teenager has been put in the place of having to protect you and your family. That´s your job and you need to do it. Don´t expose your children to this any longer.

Thisisthefirsttime · 01/04/2017 22:56

Sorry I've been away.

I think I knew what I was going to do before I posted but needed to get it down so that I could mull it over and get emotional 'back-up'.

He has gone. I feel sad that I've had to do it but relieved that I am strong enough to end it.

Thanks for all replies. Me and Dd are off to watch a film

OP posts:

MrsHarveySpecterV · 01/04/2017 23:00

Well done. Sounds like you've made the right decision. Also well done for raising such a brave daughter x

AnathemaPulsifer · 01/04/2017 23:02

I personally wouldn't end it over a single agressive incident, but I'd want a proper conversation and understanding of what's going on with him. The fact he got so angry when HE messed up his dinner makes me wonder whether he's under a lot of stress for some reason. I get much angrier when I mess something up than when anyone else does, especially if I'm feeling inadequate generally.

Two incidents like that - even a second far milder one - would be the end for me.

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AnathemaPulsifer · 01/04/2017 23:03

Drats, sorry for crossed post. In your position having suffered abuse before, I'd probably feel the same.

Fruitcocktail6 · 01/04/2017 23:04

Well done, so glad to read a thread like this and read that the op does the right thing. He sounds vile.

Eminado · 01/04/2017 23:04

I have to say you lost me at a grown man having a strop at having to take a turn at washing the dishes .

Sorry this happened.

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