To Consider Ending My Marriage Over This?

[Thisisthefirsttime]

My husband (not the father of my eldest two) and I have been together for 8 years.

For the last few years he has been sulky and moody and moans about lots of minor things. Usually he mutters under his breath but gets over it quite quickly. Generally he is quite lovely and would do anything for us/anyone.

Examples of his temper flaring include getting angry about the recycling not rinsed out to his standards or having to do the washing up (he does this twice a week as we have a rota). Nothing major.

Tonight though, he put the sauce in before the pasta when dishing out the dinner that I made. No big deal but he flipped. Threw the sauce all over the cooker and splash back, then threw the dish into the sink whilst shouting at me.

My 18yo (not his) heard and came out of her room. She witnessed him push me hard (first time he's done this but seemed as though he was going to hit me then changed his mind) As he was heading for the door she stepped in front of him and told him to never ever do that and to get out. There was a tussle and he shoved past her to grab my car keys. I said not to take the car whilst angry and he ripped the key cabinet off the wall and threw it down which missed me but caught my daughter's arm and cut it.

He left. He called about 20 minutes later to say he was coming back. I said should apologise for his behaviour as all the kids (18, 12 and 3) were upset and scared. He refused.

He came back and did apologise but my daughter was still very shaken and upset and the 12yo was crying. About sauce?!

It was ridiculous. I said that this kind of thing couldn't happen again but I'm wondering if perhaps I should end it now. I was in an abusive relationship with my previous husband and put up with it longer than was safe or healthy because I didn't want to fail at marriage. This time I'm not bothered. I just want to protect my kids from this kind of shit.

[Thisisthefirsttime]

I am not soft/a pushover anymore and I'm a very different person than when I was married to my first husband so why am I in a similar situation again?.

He genuinely has never been like this before and I'm not prepared to make any excuses as to why he is like it now. I think I had decided before I posted to be honest but needed to know that I wasn't being over the top about a one off event.

No the kids weren't crying about sauce. I meant it is stupid that this is all about the sauce.

[ThePants999]

Ahhh, Mumsnet.

I'm with everyone else in that this LOOKS like a "leave" level of red flag. But I trust you will, of course, take the mature, adult path of trying some actual communication before doing something irrevocable. Find out whether there's something you don't know that explains it. By all means leave if there isn't a bloody good reason, but please at least ask...!

[SavoyCabbage]

You have written quite a long post and really only a small part of it is neeeded.
He pushed you hard.
He shoved past your dd.
He threw a cabinet at you.
You want to protect your kids from this kind of shit.

[Gallavich]

I'm not sure I understand why he flipped out over the pasta sauce?

Because he wanted to flip out at his wife and the sauce was an excuse. This was an act of domestic abuse, nothing to do with sauce.

Seems like there is something else going on

Yes, bullying and abuse.

Have you tried to talk to him?

To ask him why he's abusive? What would that achieve?

What about couples counselling?

Couples counselling does not work in cases of domestic abuse, and it is actively dangerous. Bad advice.

[user1483387154]

I would not have let him back in after that behaviour. There is no excuse for physical assult.
If you are going to excuse his behaviour (not at all an acceptable thing to do imho) then you still need to get him to talk about this and decide if you can go forwards from here. He scared you and your daughter and that is not something that will just disappear.

[AddToBasket]

Will he go to counselling? Something is obviously very wrong if it is only kicking off like this now.

[Gallavich]

If you want to fix it, find out what he was really upset about

It's not up to the victim to fix the domestic abuser.

[xStefx]

If you aren't gonna leave him then he needs to apologise to you and all the kids in turn.if left to get away with it so easily this will become regular I fear.

[DJBaggySmalls]

Kick him out.
Get some space.
Contact Womens Aid.

Then in time, if he goes for counselling and demonstrates change, consider whether you want to continue with the relationship.

[paddlenorapaddle]

You sure he was at his hobby ? Either way he sounds like he was spoiling for a fight

Husband or no husband hurt my children you are gone mate

You set the bar for your children and by the sounds of it he likes shoving women about

You tell us what you think

[Gallavich]

For the last few years he has been sulky and moody and moans about lots of minor things

This behaviour hasn't come out of nowhere. It's a pattern of escalation of behaviour that has been progressing over years.

[AtrociousCircumstance]

Kick the abusive violent wanker out of the house.

Protect your kids. And yourself. Now.

[DonaldStott]

Well he sounds like an arsehole.

Nothing you did warranted that type of behaviour.

He has bee a moody sulky twat for the past few years.

It has how escalated to violence against you and your child.

There is really nothing more to say.

Get rid.

[mamma12]

End it. I promise you, you will not regret the decision in the long run. If not for yourself, please do it for your child who witnessed that. I say this as the grown up who was once a child witnessing exactly the type of behaviour you describe from my step dad and it's really damaging.

[Awoof]

You have to protect your children. Letting him stay isn't doing that
You can do it

[Oakmaiden]

By the way - tell your daughter she is amazing.

[foxyloxy78]

Leave the bastard. You deserve so much better than that complete and utter shit!

[ClopySow]

End it.

[Questioningeverything]

Kick his horrible arse into touch.
Please, he's hurt you and dd physically and made the others cry. He needs to be history, doesn't matter how good it's been in the past

[cestlavielife]

Whether he has dementia or a brain tumour causing this is irrelevant.
You decide it s not acceptable and he goes and you protect your dc.
If it turns out he has dementia or brain tumour causing this behaviour you discuss with medics and make careful considerations .
But for now he goes.

Show your dc you don't accept this behaviour.

You can't stick around just in case it might be caused by something...he goes first and stays away and finds out himself if it is something curable...

[MudCity]

Your daughter is fantastic. Do tell her that.

[dataandspot]

Can you explain what happened with the sauce? Did you criticise him and he became abusive?

[MadeForThis]

He pushed you. You thought he was going to hit you.

He DID hurt your daughter.

Dont teach your DD that this is ok.

Don't let your DD be hurt in her own home.

Thank her for standing up for you. That was brave.

Tell him to leave. There is no excuse.

[TitaniasCloset]

What are you getting iyt if this relationship? Has he apologised to your dd from his own free will?

I'm reluctant to say end it now, but he needs to be talking to you honestly.

[HappyFlappy]

He is possibly very worried and stressed about something entirely unrelated to you and your children.

Possibly.

However, even if he has a genuine worry, he has no right to raise his hands to you or your children. I hope you can get rid of him now - please don't risk this escalating, because it all.