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AIBU?

To Consider Ending My Marriage Over This?

146 replies

Thisisthefirsttime · 01/04/2017 22:07

My husband (not the father of my eldest two) and I have been together for 8 years.

For the last few years he has been sulky and moody and moans about lots of minor things. Usually he mutters under his breath but gets over it quite quickly. Generally he is quite lovely and would do anything for us/anyone.

Examples of his temper flaring include getting angry about the recycling not rinsed out to his standards or having to do the washing up (he does this twice a week as we have a rota). Nothing major.

Tonight though, he put the sauce in before the pasta when dishing out the dinner that I made. No big deal but he flipped. Threw the sauce all over the cooker and splash back, then threw the dish into the sink whilst shouting at me.

My 18yo (not his) heard and came out of her room. She witnessed him push me hard (first time he's done this but seemed as though he was going to hit me then changed his mind) As he was heading for the door she stepped in front of him and told him to never ever do that and to get out. There was a tussle and he shoved past her to grab my car keys. I said not to take the car whilst angry and he ripped the key cabinet off the wall and threw it down which missed me but caught my daughter's arm and cut it.

He left. He called about 20 minutes later to say he was coming back. I said should apologise for his behaviour as all the kids (18, 12 and 3) were upset and scared. He refused.

He came back and did apologise but my daughter was still very shaken and upset and the 12yo was crying. About sauce?!

It was ridiculous. I said that this kind of thing couldn't happen again but I'm wondering if perhaps I should end it now. I was in an abusive relationship with my previous husband and put up with it longer than was safe or healthy because I didn't want to fail at marriage. This time I'm not bothered. I just want to protect my kids from this kind of shit.

OP posts:

Report

Birdsgottaf1y · 02/04/2017 19:27

OP, does your DD recognise that she's been assaulted and can press charges?

I only ask, because you say that you've been in an abusive relationship before.

If he's let back, things will escalate.

So you do need to be taking pictures of her injuries and documenting what happened.

He's got the right to enter and sleep in the house, unless the assault is reported.

Crowdblundering · 02/04/2017 19:33

Is he depressed?

It sounds bad but if this is out of the ordinary behaviour it sounds like you need to get to the bottom of what is going on - if you feel you can forgive him for today's behaviour.

My OH was a bit like this but is now on anti anxiety medication and is like a different person.

I am not condoning his behaviour.

Crowdblundering · 02/04/2017 19:35

Sorry I didn't RTFT please ignore my previous post.

Good luck OP hope you are ok.

Pollyanna9 · 02/04/2017 19:35

I agree with apairof.

I am STAGGERED by those saying 'oh well it was only the first time he's never done it before, perhaps he's upset about something'.

Get a grip!

If he was upset about something - still no excuse
The very fact that it's the first time and that OP suffered physical assault, DD suffered physical assault, DD and other DC were emotionally abused watching/being involved in the incident is one time too many.

Has anyone watched Murdered By My Boyfriend? At one point in the program he hits her - for the first time. She walks out the house but as she walks away she changes her mind and goes back. Some years later he ends up caving her head in with an ironing board in front of their toddler daughter, killing her. The first time is THE time to act, not giving them a second chance or trying to mollify the abuser or try to figure out why the outburst occurred.

What we need to be telling our children that not only must the first time also be the last time, that there is NO excuse. Whether they genuinely can't help it due to mental health issues for example, the cause of it is actually irrelevant. If it's dangerous, frightening, damages other family members physically or emotionally, then you have to break away and think of protection and nothing else coming above that.

OP and her DD - you're fab, stay strong, big hugs to that fantastic daughter of yours and hope you enjoy watching your film tonight. You're both quite amazing.

ohfourfoxache · 02/04/2017 19:37

Hope you're ok

Pollyanna9 · 02/04/2017 19:38

crowd even if that is the case (and I get what you're saying), see my PP. The reason is irrelevant - what should have happened is straight after incident he rang and apologised and said he's feeling particularly stressed at the moment and is removing himself from the household as he's a danger to his wife and children and he won't come back until he has it under control.

Madwoman5 · 02/04/2017 23:24

Off he goes. Get him away from you and the kids and into other accommodation whilst he seeks help for his behavioural issues. then consider your options. You and they need to feel safe.

R2G · 02/04/2017 23:28

Are you sure he isn't a cocaine user?

expatinscotland · 02/04/2017 23:50

What if that key cabinet had hit your daughter's head? What if he'd pushed you and you struck your head? Don't let him back in. EVER.

ThighBrows · 03/04/2017 00:19

Anyone attempting to justify violence is fucking scum. There is NO excuse, ever, for someone to attack someone they're meant to cherish and protect.

Attempts to blame this piece of shits behaviour on 'depression' is dim. People suffering with MH problems tend to overcompensate for their feelings of despair by treating loved ones well, not attacking and abusing them.

Children who live in a house with an abuser will know, the fear they feel every day walking on eggshells and trying to protect their abused parent rewires their brains for fear for the rest of their lives. Hugely, hugely damaging and inexcusable to inflict on people who didn't ask to be brought into such a farce. I hope OPs daughter prosecutes this trash.

ThighBrows · 03/04/2017 00:21

Who cares if he is a cokehead or 'stressed' at work or whatever other nonsense. His choice. Statistically, plenty of males just enjoy abusing women.

BlackeyedSusan · 03/04/2017 01:00

congratualtions on getting rid. now keep him gone. consider calling the police too.

southall · 03/04/2017 09:49

Perhaps he wasn't happy with relationship and wanted to end it but could not say so directly. And this drama was his way of getting you to end it.

Papafran · 03/04/2017 09:58

Perhaps he wasn't happy with relationship and wanted to end it but could not say so directly. And this drama was his way of getting you to end it

Would most people not like have an affair in that case or something? Rather than be violent towards their wife and step-daughter and risk arrest. Sounds like you're minimising it a bit.

expatinscotland · 03/04/2017 12:33

The level of excusing and minimising on here is staggering.

robinofsherwood · 03/04/2017 13:46

Why do his reasons matter? He wasnt being a bit moody he was abusive & violent.

My grandad had plenty of 'reasons' to be angry. Two years in a concentration camp for starters. It doesnt fix my aunts brain damage from a bad beating or undo the trauma he passed onto his kids.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/04/2017 14:09

Southall - you sound like an "abuser apologist". Why are you so determined to play down this man's behaviour, or find excuses for it?
He's lucky he didn't do more damage to either the OP or her DD. There are no excuses, none worth hearing, anyway.

HappyFlappy · 03/04/2017 14:39

Those people who are excusing this aggressive behaviour - what would your reaction be if YOU had been the victim? If YOUR child had been so frightened for your safety that she had felt she had to intervene (because I would bet that she had been frightened, too)? If YOUR child had been the target of a violent man's redirected aggression and been physically hurt as well as threatened and frightened?

Would you be quite so blasé then? I bet you wouldn't. If you haven't experienced domestic violence it can be easy to mistake how terrifying it is to be trapped in a building with an angry, unpredictable man who is stronger than you and who doesn't give a damn whether your children also get hurt. OP please get yourselfnd your precious children away from this man - or take steps to keep him away from you and your family.

Atenco · 03/04/2017 15:56

We all get grumpy, stressed, etc. on occasions, but lots of men and women manage to deal with it without attacking the people around us.

Lweji · 03/04/2017 19:44

Southall sometimes presents some interesting opinions.

blackteasplease · 03/04/2017 20:01

OP, you must leave him. He has assaulted you and your dd. I would report to police for good measure, as should your adult dd.

Don't let there be a second time.

Fwiw I found your post quite chilling as "not rinsing the recycling to his standards" is one of the complaints I've often had from the abusive bloke I'm trying to get rid of.

Flip

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