To Consider Ending My Marriage Over This?

[Thisisthefirsttime]

My husband (not the father of my eldest two) and I have been together for 8 years.

For the last few years he has been sulky and moody and moans about lots of minor things. Usually he mutters under his breath but gets over it quite quickly. Generally he is quite lovely and would do anything for us/anyone.

Examples of his temper flaring include getting angry about the recycling not rinsed out to his standards or having to do the washing up (he does this twice a week as we have a rota). Nothing major.

Tonight though, he put the sauce in before the pasta when dishing out the dinner that I made. No big deal but he flipped. Threw the sauce all over the cooker and splash back, then threw the dish into the sink whilst shouting at me.

My 18yo (not his) heard and came out of her room. She witnessed him push me hard (first time he's done this but seemed as though he was going to hit me then changed his mind) As he was heading for the door she stepped in front of him and told him to never ever do that and to get out. There was a tussle and he shoved past her to grab my car keys. I said not to take the car whilst angry and he ripped the key cabinet off the wall and threw it down which missed me but caught my daughter's arm and cut it.

He left. He called about 20 minutes later to say he was coming back. I said should apologise for his behaviour as all the kids (18, 12 and 3) were upset and scared. He refused.

He came back and did apologise but my daughter was still very shaken and upset and the 12yo was crying. About sauce?!

It was ridiculous. I said that this kind of thing couldn't happen again but I'm wondering if perhaps I should end it now. I was in an abusive relationship with my previous husband and put up with it longer than was safe or healthy because I didn't want to fail at marriage. This time I'm not bothered. I just want to protect my kids from this kind of shit.

Find out whether there's something you don't know that explains it.

My money's on him being in a bad mood because he lost badly at golf, or whatever his hobby is that he's been out all day playing.

Good move, OP. And your DD is a star for sticking up for you, like that. for all of you.

Anathema it wasn't a one off, out of the blue, though. OP said in her first post that he's been difficult for a couple of years. It's not like everything has been rosy and the outburst was completely out of character.

You did the 100% right thing OP. One violent incident in which one of your children gets hurt is one too many. Stay strong and hugs to you all.

And that was an XP, too, Anathema!

You know the answer to this don't you. This is all wrong. What a bloody horrible piece of work he is.

He sounds like hell to live with. If you can get rid of him then do

Good for you, Thisis! I'm very glad to hear it.

Wishing you all well

Well done.

If you let him back in you are telling your 18yr old dd that this is an acceptable and forgivable way for partners to treat each other. What would you advise your dd is you walk in to this scene with her and her boyfriend? Advise kiss and make up? I doubt it. Set the example and get rid

What a night OP. Hope you can get some rest xx

Don't be too hasty though. I mean if it was a one off isolated incident then after some space, a good chat, and assurances from him it won't happen again, surely it would be fair to give him another chance? We all make mistakes and there may be an underlying reason for his outburst?

If on the other hand it's par for the course with him, and it was the final straw , then you've done the right thing.

Wishing you the best of luck xx

nicenew, are you quite mad?

I think what Bastard has said is important to consider. Sudden outbursts, bottled up anger can all be signs of depression. He would benefit from seeing a GP, as well as a gentle conversation with you. Depression or not, behaviour like that is not acceptable, so help in some form is needed. Keep yourself safe and sane, and your DC's. Good luck

Wishing you strength OP.

I was in a relationship with an abusive wanker once. When I included him on my hobby, Pike fishing. The twat kept lecturing me on how to do it properly, (even though he'd never fished before). And how to put the fishing tackle back properly in MY tackle box.

Oh, and he stamped on my head after throwing me down the stairs. Wanker. Euerggh, my lips have gone all numb remembering that.

Don't let yourself and DCs have lip numbing memories OP. Nobody should subject themselves to that.

When a man shows you who he really is, take note !
Well done OP, no point delaying the agony, waiting until next time.
I'm really sorry that you've had to endure this, it must be a shock.
Your daughter is amazing, you're obviously a great Mum.
Don't let him wheedle his way back in. 💐☕️🍰

Gallavich, I completely agree with you about domestic abuse, but I just got the impression from OP that it was a random one-off, out of character outburst after 8 happy years of marriage and that there was maybe something else going on... It seemed like a random outburst. She didn't give any other examples of anything abusive over 8 years. She said he'd been a bit moody and liked to complain, but didn't give any details of abusive comments, etc.

LTB.

I'm guessing this is only an example of other times he has been this unreasonable? It's not about pasta sauce, it's about his inability to accept you for whomever he sees you as. Why are you accepting him muttering about stuff under his breath? That alone is really unacceptable. You have to ask yourself, why you are with him and why you accept this, frankly, abhorrent behaviour. Does he provide enough financial stability for you to have to put up with this or could you survive solo...i think his behaviour is foul.

Good, glad you've got him out. You have done exactly the right thing - that was such an over-reaction over such a silly small thing, almost like he was looking for an excuse to go off on one.
So now he's pushed the boundaries too far, and you, like the sensible (and previously affected) woman you are, have told him to fuck off.

Please keep him away as well.

I'm full of admiration for your strong stance OP. It's sad your H turned out to be violent after all, but don't feel it has anything to do with you -- these men are great at concealing it and he must have known you were determined not to get involved with another like your first.
You have a great daughter there!
Good luck for the future.

oh dear - I mutter stuff under my breath! Usually about knives not being put away safely (actually I don't mutter that, I shout the reminder!) and crumbs being left on the worktop!

I've just seen this, but very well done, OP.

You know what abuse is like. Tolerance zero is the best approach.

Well done op. Imo it wouldn't have been the anger at the sauce, the ripping the key cabinet off the wall or even catching your dd with the cabinet. All those were in the heat of the moment. I'm not excusing that, he's an arse and shouldn't have done any of them. For me though the worst was the refusal to apologise. That was later after he'd calmed down. He should have been horribly ashamed at his actions. That's the really abusive bit as he doesn't seem to think his behaviour was wrong.

Well done OP.

And massive respect for your daughter.

I think his girlfriend hobby has ended it.

Please phone the police. Charge him with assault and gbh. Your DD was assaulted.

Well done on giving yourself and your kids a chance of a normal life without fear or violence.

Stay safe.

Well done, OP. You and your daughter are both amazing