To lock her on the balcony? With a bag of haribo?

[Deploycharitygoats]

DH has an old uni friend visiting. She runs a juice bar in the city she lives in and is a self-styled "detox queen". DH joked before she arrived that we should wallpaper our flat with printouts of Jay Rayner's column debunking the whole detox industry. So I was expecting a certain degree of guff to flow from her mouth, but DEAR GOD.

1. "oh my god, I'm so sleepy after that lunch, it's all the sugar." It's hummus, falafel and chopped salad, love, calm down.
2. How can you feed your child liver, it causes cancer?!
3. Cold water is bad for you, it causes fatty deposits in your liver and damages your spine!
4. Your children are in disposable nappies? Why didn't you make your own? Don't you know how easy it is?
5. Consuming dairy when breastfeeding will ensure your DC get cancer.

All these gems in just under 90 minutes. But at least she brought me a gift to say congratulations on your new baby! Weight loss tea!

DH has been brilliant, openly laughing at some of the nonsense, challenging all the little digs at my parenting (none of these helpful tips have been directed at him, naturally). But she's pushing my hospitality to its fragile limit.

So yeah, not at all unreasonable to tell her there's a great view from the balcony and lock her out there, right?

sorry to hear about the fatal consequences of certain Chinese weightloss teas..... not that I would ever be tempted by any of those

Nor me Meluzyna.

If God wanted me to be skinny he would have made me less greedy and lazy. Who am I to tamper with The Divine Plan?

DH went to bed last night very disappointed that by not inviting her back, he'd missed an opportunity for KFC

Email her (or send a carrier pigeon if email is harmful) that you found a supplier of moonlight harvested cotton which gets sent untreated to you. It is harvested only by currently menstruating women and they chant good vibes whilst picking. You have started rolling your own tampons, just make her aware how harmful commercially available menstrual hygiene products are, including re-usable cotton pads (are they moon-harvested? I bet not) and moon cups (silicone? dangerous stuff).

Move on to the next project once she started rolling moon-pons. Out-proselytise her.

Did you spend yesterday meeting up with an old friend who's just had a baby, car5ys?

paxillin About 12 years ago, I was lectured at a party by a homeopath about how women shouldn't use tampons at all, as it's not healthy to impede the flow of something that wants to leave the body.

Sadly, they didn't think me asking "not even tampons dissolved in loads of water?" was very funny.

Oh, I see. Give her a lecture about free bleeding then .

Did she make nappies for her own DC, then?

My mother did...

Made of fabric. You have to fold them correctly and then put some sort of overpants (made of felt. Obviously the organic, sheep wool one in pale yellow/off-white).

She did the same for my little sister... It was my chore do fold the nappies .

Well, at least she's a dedicated hippie... ;)

DH and I used storebought nappies for DD...

*to

Oops, I'm tired and I have pregnancy brain (plus, I'm writing in English...).

Anyhow, making your own nappies is totally possible. Wait, I'll check if I find a good picture online.... ;)

Oh dear, bless you! She does sound trying. Yes, a trail of Chia seeds and kale leading a nice long way should do it. And are you entirely certain you are not hanging out with Gwnneth Paltrow? Or 'Delicious Ella'? 😂

send a carrier pigeon if email is harmful

WHAT!!!

Do you know how many GERMS are on a pigeon?????

Well, nor do I beat I bet it's MILLIONS!

And they eat wheat so they are full of carbs. She could catch carbs off it.

And gluten.

You have started rolling your own tampons,

Oh - JOY!

It's a gluten free pigeon. Eats rice, fed by moonlight. But the moonpons still stop the natural flow.

OH - fair enough Pax. I should have realised that things have moved on since I last assaulted contacted someone with a pigeon

Moonlight-fed gluten-free pigeons are readily available via the interweb, or possibly Holland and Barrett these days I expect.

In my day we made do with non-organic, highly toxic pigeons full of cockroaches and white bread. And Haribo.

I'm astonished that the medical profession and the pharmaceutical industry haven't beaten a path to her door. She can clearly diagnose and treat complex medical conditions without needing to do any of the frankly unreasonable things like spend twenty years learning anatomy, physiology, or evidence-based analysis.

Don't lock her on the balcony, become her agent and make an absolute fortune out of her. If she's as self-absorbed as you make her sound, she'll barely notice ...

Chillyegg

You had me at " she runs a juice bar" snort!! Ahaha!! Well shes obviously just a bit crackers love! Fucking serve her a frey bentos pie with smash and bisto. Then maybe an arctic roll with tinned fruit in syrup..and ice cream. Then watc her shit her self
Mannnnnnn I so wanna eat that!!!!

This thread is comedy gold!

OP,

I've got your payback solution:
email her in a month or two, explaining that you've undergone a major lifestyle overhaul since discovering breatharianism.

You've extensively researched the health benefits of existing on sunlight alone, "or Prana, as we enlightened few refer to it!!", and clearly food of any type is unnecessary, damaging to your higher being, and wasteful of The Glorious Earth's resources...

but until you meet up again (and, Gosh, how you're looking forward to that: she seemed so knowledgeable about nutrition and you're so eager to share all your findings with her), you urge her to reconsider what damaging, possibly even toxic, effects her juice business is inflicting.

(Include multiple links to charlatan Breatharianism devotees/ pseudoscientific studies etc.).

Bound to guarantee she'll never darken your door again

Strygil,

Hilarious

Love the idea of chucking loads of sugar into the "weight loss" tea while she looks on. Priceless.

Marylin, I like your thinking!

Thank you for making me smile on a shitty day. She's batshit, you are a saint 😇

HaHaHa at the number of people who scorn Juice Bars as serving up sugary crap from fruit. FRUIT? Juice bars serve stuff extracted from 'Celery, Cucumber and Brassicas ' . That's Super Green, apparently, and as far as I can see, 'brassica' could well mean brussel sprout.

I know someone who comes up with similar lines.. but smokes.

Someone who chooses to subject themselves to the carcinogens in cigarettes has no right to pass comment on my non-organic food, or chewing gum.

In all seriousness she sounds like she has some form of ortherexia or delusions.

The vimto too. Running out of energy and having a little binge on the most sugary thing she can lay her hands on. Sad really.

Also if she was going for pop why not something that actually tastes nice ... Dr Pepper or Cream Soda. Mmm.

She's not so wrong about the liver and milk, they do have cancerous properties.

Buuuut she shouldn't shove it down your throat. Who wants to drink warm water anyway?!