To lock her on the balcony? With a bag of haribo?

[Deploycharitygoats]

DH has an old uni friend visiting. She runs a juice bar in the city she lives in and is a self-styled "detox queen". DH joked before she arrived that we should wallpaper our flat with printouts of Jay Rayner's column debunking the whole detox industry. So I was expecting a certain degree of guff to flow from her mouth, but DEAR GOD.

1. "oh my god, I'm so sleepy after that lunch, it's all the sugar." It's hummus, falafel and chopped salad, love, calm down.
2. How can you feed your child liver, it causes cancer?!
3. Cold water is bad for you, it causes fatty deposits in your liver and damages your spine!
4. Your children are in disposable nappies? Why didn't you make your own? Don't you know how easy it is?
5. Consuming dairy when breastfeeding will ensure your DC get cancer.

All these gems in just under 90 minutes. But at least she brought me a gift to say congratulations on your new baby! Weight loss tea!

DH has been brilliant, openly laughing at some of the nonsense, challenging all the little digs at my parenting (none of these helpful tips have been directed at him, naturally). But she's pushing my hospitality to its fragile limit.

So yeah, not at all unreasonable to tell her there's a great view from the balcony and lock her out there, right?

🌭🍔🍟🍗🍖🍡🍧🍨🎂🍰🍦🍭🍫🍿🍩🍪🍹🍸🍷🍻🍚
No words just lots of sweets !

Pinkheart we're in the Middle East, you can get pretty much anything delivered here (even if it always arrives cold and you end up leaning out of your window waving frantically at the guy on the scooter as he drives past your building for the fourth time)

You're all making this afternoon much more bearable, thank you!

Maybe if I left a trail of kale leaves, I could tempt her outside?

Worth a try. Stick a few slices of raw parsnip* among them to make it doubly inviting.

*A vegetable not fit for consumption by man nor beast . . .

I'd be very tempted to make a cup of the weight loss tea and put 3 sugars into it in front of her!

Lord. Has she tried to sell you aloe Vera yet?!

Ask DH to go for a walk and pop into supermarket for some more nappies, formula and two big pizzas for tea and can he find some cakes aswell!!!

I'm sorry OP but i had to laugh at this, partly because I know someone who is exactly the same and have been in the same situation.

I'd lock her out there with a plate of haribos garnished in caramalised sugar either that or so a very patronising Mrs Browns "thats nice dear" with a very clear undertone of fuck off you silly cow 😂

I would definately question her about the 'sugar free fruit juice' business.

Take your DC to a soft play centre (depending on their ages of course) - a really busy one. Drag Take her along, and for lunch, order some of those lovely greasy curly fries and chicken nuggets they sell . And yes to the sticky toffee pudding! Perhaps even pour some full fat custard all over it. And sprinkles. And choc buttons. All washed down with full fat cows milk.

You had me at " she runs a juice bar" snort!! Ahaha!! Well shes obviously just a bit crackers love! Fucking serve her a frey bentos pie with smash and bisto. Then maybe an arctic roll with tinned fruit in syrup..and ice cream. Then watc her shit her self

Laugh hysterically at every one of her pretentious proclamations as if she cannot possibly be serious. Either that or offer some of your own, e.g. 'You're drinking room temperature water? Don't you know it causes nose growth and wonky ankles?'

How do you actually make your own nappies??

Actually, scrap the sticky toffee pudding and replace it with a banoffee pie. At least there's fruit in it (I think).

I'm sure "juice" is now condemned as full of that nasty sugar stuff with none of the good things in real fruit.

But tell me, how good does she look?

The trouble with these idiots is that some people are taken in by them and that makes them dangerous. Keep laughing at her. (While eating one of those three feet long Toblerones).

Honestly, if anyone came into my home and told me that the way I'm breastfeeding my child would definitely give them cancer, I'd ask them to leave.

You should buy her some skinny lard

Ask her at what temperature water should be served at and is that why Eskimos use sled dogs to get around.

Ask her to make you some of her amazing home made nappies that are sooo easy. Remind her that you'll need at least 40 and they must be in organic, unbleached,fairtrade cotton and complete with 10 waterproof outer wraps constructed from non -PU, biodegradable materials.
Then tackle her about the inadvisability of her restricted diet and her fun-hoover attitude.

So she is a self styled "health guru" and she got you weightloss tea? What a load of balls. I would challenge her on that made up shite alone.

DH has taken her out. If she returns with him, I plan to be casually making something sweet with DS1 as they return. Something that involves bottles of corn syrup and food colouring being strewn across the work surface...

YABU, of course, locking people on balconies is illegal.

I can understand the temptation, though.

I love the idea of serving her 'junk' or coming up with your own bonkers theories in return

Honestly on a serious note - YWBU to do any of them. It's fine for her to hold these opinions. If she's happy and healthy then she can go nuts although if she was someone I cared about I'd be on the lookout for signs of orthorexia.

It's not fine for her to openly mock and criticise your parenting and lifestyle choices when she is a guest in your home, especially if she is directing it all to you and not your husband. But I don't think passive aggressiveness or mocking on your part is really a helpful response.

If she is only here for the day I'd probably put up and shut up but decline to invite her back ever again and avoid socialising with her in future. If she is staying overnight and she pushed enough buttons, and if there's a suitable hotel nearby so she wouldn't be on the steets, I'd probably say that she will have to leave my home due to her behaviour, unless she stops it. I'd make it clear that it's her behaviour that is the issue - the criticism and mocking - not the beliefs themselves. If she can't keep them to herself then she is no longer welcome in my home.

Best case she's just very enthusiastic in her beliefs, wants to 'help' everyone else and is massively insensitive to how she comes across and a bit dim that she hasn't been invited to dispense her advice/opinions on these matters.

She sounds bloody irritating.

Whispers < I made my own nappies for a while with DC1. I blame the hormones. Life's too short.>

Anyway - YABU. Lock her on the balcony and sit on the other side of the door eating them. Why should she have them. She's as mad as a bag of frogs.

Couldn't you take her somewhere, they frown on people for not putting seventy million sugars in their coffee. That's a thing in Arabic countries, isn't it?