To lock her on the balcony? With a bag of haribo?

[Deploycharitygoats]

DH has an old uni friend visiting. She runs a juice bar in the city she lives in and is a self-styled "detox queen". DH joked before she arrived that we should wallpaper our flat with printouts of Jay Rayner's column debunking the whole detox industry. So I was expecting a certain degree of guff to flow from her mouth, but DEAR GOD.

1. "oh my god, I'm so sleepy after that lunch, it's all the sugar." It's hummus, falafel and chopped salad, love, calm down.
2. How can you feed your child liver, it causes cancer?!
3. Cold water is bad for you, it causes fatty deposits in your liver and damages your spine!
4. Your children are in disposable nappies? Why didn't you make your own? Don't you know how easy it is?
5. Consuming dairy when breastfeeding will ensure your DC get cancer.

All these gems in just under 90 minutes. But at least she brought me a gift to say congratulations on your new baby! Weight loss tea!

DH has been brilliant, openly laughing at some of the nonsense, challenging all the little digs at my parenting (none of these helpful tips have been directed at him, naturally). But she's pushing my hospitality to its fragile limit.

So yeah, not at all unreasonable to tell her there's a great view from the balcony and lock her out there, right?

DH has come back alone. Apparently she ran out of energy on their walk, and so bought...

A can of cold Vimto.

Thank you all for the excellent suggestions, I'm almost sorry to deprive you all of her dietary wisdom. Not sorry enough to invite her back, though.

Being mean I hope she is staying for dinner.
More to enjoy :)

Damn x post. Ring her up and beg her to come back

Start a conversation with her about whether or not she believes in vaccinating children . Your DH sounds like he's got your back though!

She'd get on well with the neighbour on another great who thinks two cheese on toast is a huge meal

I'm going to be sniggering at cold can of Vimto all day!

VIMTO!!!!!!!!

It's FILTH!

1. Email her later in week, mentioning in bone-dry, deadpan manner that you're certain this "BRAIN DUST" product, widely renowned for brain clarity, would be of huge benefit to her.

1. Snigger to self, knowing she can't possibly (outwardly) take offence: Gwyneth Paltrow's "wellness consultant" swears by it, and the very mention of her will be like catnip to MrsSanctimoniousDetoxJuicer...

shop.goop.com/shop/products/brain-dust

Just had a look at the weight loss teas - it seems to be the extract of green tea, the catechins, that are good for you in small doses but bad for your liver in large doses - but how large seems to depend a lot on your own physical make up. So some people will react to 3 cups a day, whereas others would need to drink litres before they had a reaction.

Possibly better to avoid any Chinese versions of these, just in case...

Chuck her off of it!

To add:

MrsDV, am so very sorry to hear about your Niece

OP

I'm all for respecting different approaches to health etc., but her comments regarding your kids were beyond vile
And inflicting her views on those who are clearly not interested is just plain tedious and arrogant.
Bringing "weight-loss tea" to a new Mum (congratulations, BTW!), and one you've never met before, either, just about sums up her level of tact.
So she bloody deserves all our snidery, IMO.

Vimto is big in Saudi!

I was surprised to see it - hadn't had it for decades.

Billsikes DH is pretty awesome. Usually I'm of the view that in being hands on with the DC, pulling his weight at home etc. he shouldn't be considered exceptional or lionised. But then there are days like today where I see him taking no nonsense for us and I think "I fucking love you".

Hopefully we'll not have to deal with the detox queen again, though of course we'll visit her in hospital when that cold can of sugary filth causes her liver to explode and spine to collapse

Did she make nappies for her own DC, then?

£100 to you, Amber!

Ooh, OP, please, please ask her in your most persuasive manner if she wouldn't mind awfully running you up a few hundred hand-crafted examples, so that you can be inspired to make your own thereafter..

I really like the idea of her kicking herself for even mentioning "how easy" that is, as she eats into precious RunningVeryImportantJuiceEmpire time by having to save face and prove the point

Ask her to make you some nappies. While she is at it she can do the next few happy changes too, so that it is clear to you how to use them.

I cannot be arsed with food bores. They can suck the joy out of every meal.

Oh, and she will need to wash and dry the nappies too.

She sounds insufferable.

@ doublesnap

"Tell her that it was a great April fool while it lasted "

I must admit after reading the first page I was coming to this very conclusion.... but apparently not.

Thanks for the giggles... sorry to hear about the fatal consequences of certain Chinese weightloss teas..... not that I would ever be tempted by any of those.

Serve asparagus for lunch, and then bring two jugs of urine to the dinner table, one yours and one your husbands. According to Sylvia Chandler - owner of a Zen Natural Food store in Birmingham - drinking your own piss is the elixir of life. Offer your friend the glass containing yours, while you and your husband can drink his - which of course is actually a bottle of white wine - with every appearance of relish.

The asparagus of course will make the pee smell and taste horrific, but you and your husband should drink "his" with every appearance of relish - "I find the asparagus gives it body, don't you, dear? and have you got the hint of garlic?".....I only wish I could watch.

I'd serve her a nice 'health' tea - with a sprinkling of laxative in it.

Or offer up some 'placenta' stew, complete with a lecture about all the health benefits.

Oh please invite her back! Gave me a really good laugh!

Vimto is my guilty pleasure. I don't drink alcohol (makes me I'll 😞) and usually only partake in tea/coffee or water but if I fancy going off piste I will guzzle a vimto! Oh I also eat cake/puddings/ice cream/chocolate and have a passion for jelly babies, don't think she'd approve of me at all 😉