To lock her on the balcony? With a bag of haribo?

[Deploycharitygoats]

DH has an old uni friend visiting. She runs a juice bar in the city she lives in and is a self-styled "detox queen". DH joked before she arrived that we should wallpaper our flat with printouts of Jay Rayner's column debunking the whole detox industry. So I was expecting a certain degree of guff to flow from her mouth, but DEAR GOD.

1. "oh my god, I'm so sleepy after that lunch, it's all the sugar." It's hummus, falafel and chopped salad, love, calm down.
2. How can you feed your child liver, it causes cancer?!
3. Cold water is bad for you, it causes fatty deposits in your liver and damages your spine!
4. Your children are in disposable nappies? Why didn't you make your own? Don't you know how easy it is?
5. Consuming dairy when breastfeeding will ensure your DC get cancer.

All these gems in just under 90 minutes. But at least she brought me a gift to say congratulations on your new baby! Weight loss tea!

DH has been brilliant, openly laughing at some of the nonsense, challenging all the little digs at my parenting (none of these helpful tips have been directed at him, naturally). But she's pushing my hospitality to its fragile limit.

So yeah, not at all unreasonable to tell her there's a great view from the balcony and lock her out there, right?

YANBU but personally I'd just lock her on the balcony with a cup of weight loss tea and some grapefruit juice (can't stand the stuff)and eat the haribo and a couple of large sharing packs of doritos myself.

Maybe throw a few rags and some needle and thread out there and ask ifshe'd be kind enough to craft you some nappies too

Well I might be a bit of a fun sucker myself here but anyone that accused me of knowingly doing anything which would cause my DC to get cancer, would not be tolerated in my home.

I can put up with oooh all the sugar you need some edemame beans and kale bollocks, but being told I was risking my DCs lives - nope. Why on earth would you and your DH accept listening to that? Challenging and laughing? I seriously would be asking her to leave, and I wouldn't class people who say stuff like this as "friends". Fuck that.

Enjoy! Just think of the pleasure you will have after she has left go over what she has with your DH.

Make sure you have a notepad kept hidden discreetly so you can note down each and every gem to keep us updated.

A technique, I used to use with my healthy-food saint of a FIL, was to make a particularly scrumptious dessert that I knew he would love, and provide him with a bland alternative 'specially made for you DFIL because I know you would not want this 'high-sugar' pudding'.
Watching his internal struggle over the choice would make his judgemental visits bearable.

Alternatively keeping serving her some of the weight-loss tea so she work on getting into better shape. 'Because of course you will not need it as breast-feeding is such a better way to get into shape'.

typo *going over what she has said with your DH.

Oh Christ... if she ever has kids herself she'll be one of those parents who makes her kids eat 'raw bownies' (made with dates) and gives them oat milk because too much sugar 'effects their behavior'. failing to see how her inadequate parenting of her precious child contributes to their tantrums and vile behavior

I'd definitely make the weight loss tea with several sugars in it. Tell her you'll be drinking 6 of them a day . I'd make sure I was unavailable for her next visit. Hand made nappies ffs.

DH swears she wasn't this ghastly when she was 18. He hasn't seen her in almost ten years, so when I say uni friend, I mean they were friends when they were at uni. Curse of living overseas, I think, people you once knew have a tendency to look you up when they're in town and then you discover that you have nothing in common/they make their living peddling dangerous lies.

When I say challenging her, the words "utter bullshit" were involved when the cancer stuff was trotted out. DH has no time for head tilts or tinkly laughs when the DC are involved. He's more hospitable than me though, I wouldn't have taken her for a walk. Point at taxi rank, job done.

I LOVE the idea of making delicious food for you all, then something very boring, bland and healthy for her.

God, a health food bore...

I have lost some good friends to that :(

I have a day of this tomorrow - relatives visiting.

They think Dr Mercola is a genius. Which I agree he is - at seperating idiots from money. Good luck - she'll be gone soon.

There's some great posts on here! Knowing you can have a laugh at her expense and never see her again must make it a bit better? It's not the Deliciously ellafraud bird is it? She's made a fortune out of such witterings.

You will of course remind her of the 70 people in Belgium who suffered organ failure in the 90s after taking Chinese herbal medicine to lose weight? Weight loss tea = in the bin.

www.independent.co.uk/news/chinese-herb-banned-after-two-deaths-1109298.html

People who are obsessed with the workings of their colons are a pain in the arse - literally!

Don't want to bring the funny thread down but you might want to tell her about my 17 year old niece who developed liver failure after caning 'weight loss tea' and died.

Tell after you make a great big pot of the stuff.

She sounds like a nightmare.

Don't know about locking her out, but I'll sit on your balcony and eat haribos with you OP.

YABU - but only because it would be a waste of Haribo!

Tell her what she eats causes bad breath

You've done well to put up with her this far

MrsDV I'm so sorry for the loss of your niece

This is the thing with people like this. I can roll my eyes at her, fantasise about being passive aggressive to her, bitch about her nonsense on here. But at the end of the day, I'm not that affected by her (apart from losing an afternoon to a rude person I'll never see again). I'm in a good place mentally and I can see her claims for the horse manure they are.

But there are vulnerable people who are taken in by them, and the consequences can be deadly.

Tell her that it was a great April fool while it lasted but it's getting a bit wearing now so you've arranged a pig toast for dinner.

TheFirstMrsDV

You're not bringing the funny thread down, just reminding us that these people's bonkersness can make us laugh but also be very very dangerous. Have so many real life examples of people like this, who'd refuse to take their kid to the docs to get anti biotics and it would have very near death consequences.

OP I'd make sure there is a bloody big gap before her next visit!

Personally I think you are being very mean. If you are going to lock her on the balcony you should at least provide her with a pot noodle and 2 litre bottle of coke.

Have you no heart?

Slight tangent but I've been drinking weight loss tea - never knew it was dangerous - was given some as a present and quite liked the taste! Which bit is dangerous?
Sorry for your loss mrsDV

Mrs. D.V. 🌺

Op, if she comes back, give her a jam sandwich on white, followed by a hot chocolate 😂

YABU, you need to lock her on the balcony with some kale and dodgy tea. Keep with Haribo for yourself!

sleep it was 'Chinese' herbal stuff.
I believe that it can contain toxins (albeit naturally occurring ones) that can damage the Liver.

That's a thought. If friend is avoiding all these dangerous foods (and cold water?!) what does she think she's going to die of? And when? Because I can tell you now she sure as hell isn't going to live forever.

ps If DH comes back without her, I'd suspect him of burying her up to the neck in a heap of kale. Possibly head first.