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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To expect birthday money I've given to a child to be spent on/saved for them?

129 replies

TheRealPooTroll · 31/03/2017 23:11

I'm genuinely in two minds as to whether I'm unreasonable about this.
Last week it was my friends dd's birthday. I gave her £20 in a card. A few days later I was chatting to my friend and she told me her dd had lost the £20 for bad behaviour (ie friend had taken it as a punishment).
Part of me thinks that how my friend chooses to discipline her dd is none of my business but part of me also thinks that she could have chosen a different consequence that didn't mean I hadn't got her dd a present. Both families are quite close and the dd spoke to me about being sad that she no longer had the money and asked if I could buy her something else (she's quite young so wasn't trying to be cheeky I don't think). I said I couldn't as I'd already given her money and if her mum has taken it away it's not my place to go against that. But I did feel peeved by the whole thing.
I think what is also bothering me is that my friend is always skint (despite earning a lot more than me) so I feel like it was more about her wanting/needing the money for something rather than her dd doing much wrong as what she did was very minor. But again what she does and doesn't think worthy of discipline is none of my business either.
So what do people think? Is this something you'd do? Would you be annoyed if it was you or just accept that once you'd gifted the money it's up to the mum whether she gets to spend it?

OP posts:

greathat · 02/04/2017 18:37

Ask for it back, was given to the kid. If they are not getting it, it should be returned to you

Strigoi · 02/04/2017 18:38

I think that's a disgusting thing to do. My former sil had form for 'borrowing' the money I gave my nephews for birthdays and Christmas. It used to infuriate me so much I stopped giving them money because she would just guilt them into giving it to her.

I would 100% ask for it back and take her DD out.

Tomorrowillbeachicken · 02/04/2017 18:38

She found an excuse to steal from her child.

sweetkitty · 02/04/2017 18:41

Don't give her money next time a toy she wants or something nice to wear.

JFT96 · 02/04/2017 18:45

Thumb I would hope someone does know some other effective way, not that I wish this aggravation on anyone. Can't blame you for dreading the teen years either they're just miserable ime

Gabilan · 02/04/2017 18:47

then what happens to it after the recipient accepts is, literally, none of your business

If it remains with the recipient, yes. She can spend it all on sweets. Or use it as kindling. Or she can give it the dog/ her best friend/ a homeless person. But in this case it was taken from the recipient by someone else.

I'd text and say "Dear Friend. Since Child is no longer allowed the £20 I gave her, I would like the money to be donated to charity"

Then depending on how pissy I was feeling I'd specify something I new Friend hated. Or possibly the NSPCC.

Gabilan · 02/04/2017 18:48

knew

EweAreHere · 02/04/2017 18:58

Sounds like your skint friend was looking for a reason to take her child's money for herself.

Sucks. Really, really sucks.

Next time ask him what he specifically wants and buy it for him, no receipt for return.

EB123 · 02/04/2017 19:00

That's really crap discipline. My 6 year old gets really excited about money and plans carefully what he might buy with it.

ataraxia · 02/04/2017 19:00

If there can be such a big consequence for an infraction then there should also be rewards for compliance/success?

Has friend made it quite clear to you personally that it is permanent? If not, could you bring it up like 'well, she's certainly learned her lesson! I'd love to be there to see her face when she gets it back for that great drawing she did/helping cook dinner/[whatever she's done well that week].'

This gives your friend a chance to explain that she was short on cash for essentials, if that was indeed the case (if so then take a different tack).

If she says it is permanent punishment (or already told you this), then something like 'my gift was for her birthday because I love her; that doesn't change depending on her behaviour. I understand you don't want to look like you're backing down on a punishment so please give me the cash back & I'll give her something for Easter/when she does [positive thing] instead.''

Bobbi73 · 02/04/2017 19:02

I'd ask for the money back. Otherwise you've basically just given the mother £20!

Tapandgo · 02/04/2017 19:54

Every penny my kids were given as tots went into a savings account and when they were 21 a surprise gift was given to them showing how the money grew for them. Both could then use it as they saw fit. Removing it as a punishment is diabolical (and no real punishment as 6 year olds would not understand the value of £20)

Lovelymess · 02/04/2017 20:09

YANBU at all, that sounds really cruel

user1489261248 · 02/04/2017 20:29

Most of the problems in this world stem, not from petty tyrants like this child's mother, but from busybodies with not enough to do.

You are actually being serious aren't you strygil? That is extremely worrying.

Thank goodness most people do not think like you. The vast majority of people on this thread think exactly like I do, that what the woman has done is steal the money from her child.

I agree with what Gablian said. ^ The OP gave the money to the child, NOT to the child's mother. The child's mother took it from her as a punishment for something she did and spent it herself. Ergo, she stole the little girl's money.

Dress it up as much as you like as something else strygil; this is theft. Through and through. If I were the OP, I would demand that she gives the money back to the little girl. If she refuses, I would tell the police.

I'm not kidding.

I don't care if she fell out with me; I would consider myself well rid.

Strygil · 02/04/2017 21:24

Most of the problems in this world stem, not from petty tyrants like this child's mother, but from busybodies with not enough to do.

You are actually being serious aren't you strygil? That is extremely worrying.

Please don't patronise me with quack psychology of this kind. If you disagree with my statement, refute it.. If you can't, concede that there is an important truth in it.

The vast majority of people on this thread think exactly like I do, that what the woman has done is steal the money from her child.

The validity of a point of view is emphatically not a function of the number of people who share it. The vast majority of people who read the Daily Mail think that Katie Hopkins is a serious journalist, but that cannot alter the fact that she is a bigoted gobshite.

It was taken from the recipient as part of a disciplinary transaction between the recipient and her mother - something about which we know nothing and hence are not entitled to judge.

And do you, or any other of the "vast majority" of people on this thread who think like you, know what the child's mother may have planned for returning/replacing the money?

Dress it up as much as you like as something else strygil; this is theft. Through and through.

In your opinion, which you are perfectly entitled to hold, even though you are completely unable to substantiate it with facts.

If I were the OP, I would demand that she gives the money back to the little girl.

I don't doubt that you would. After all, the vast majority of people on this thread would agree with you, which makes it the right thing to do. Oh, wait......

If she refuses, I would tell the police.

Which makes you a pompous, interfering fool.

I'm not kidding.

Neither am I.

I don't care if she fell out with me; I would consider myself well rid.

And I dare say that so would she.

Againagain97 · 02/04/2017 22:11

but how other people parent their children is their business and no-one else's..

Rubbish......utter bollocks!!!

A parent cannot parent their child however they see fit and not escape punishment for mistreatment!

Your analogy of the money has been given, so the parent can take it without question is ridiculous! The parent should not benefit from the bad behaviour of a child. The least she could've done was return the money to the gift giver or donated it too charity.

You must be the mother in this case!

alicescaterpillar · 02/04/2017 23:36

Involving other people in punishments is not on in my opinion.
This.
Years ago a friend told me her dc could not come to my dc's birthday party because he had done something not that terrible been naughty and she'd warned him that if he did, he wasn't going to the party. I was a bit gob-smacked that no thought was given to the fact that my ds very much wanted to see him there, and it was a fun activity and we'd only invited six or seven children. While very much accepting that parents choose their own discipline, and perhaps it just popped out, and they had to follow through, I did wish she had chosen some other consequence e.g. extra chores, no pocket money. I was upset but didn't say anything because I was a coward in case it drew my dc's attention to it.
Taking money given as a gift is 100x worse.

julesr21 · 03/04/2017 00:29

I think I would mention it again when I next saw her and say something along the lines of - Have you given my present money back to your daughter yet and if she says no and obviously doesn't intend to it gives you an opening to say that you feel rather upset about it and would it be possible to perhaps reward the child for good behaviour at some stage and give it back. At least you would be able to get your point across and even if she doesn't do as you wish it may make her think about how she handed things and prevent her from doing the same again.

LoveDeathPrizes · 03/04/2017 01:12

I don't know, I mean - she told you! If it was manipulative in order to spend on herself, would she have done that?

Definitely not being unreasonable for thinking it shouldn't have been confiscated but the other stuff is perhaps a little judgemental.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 03/04/2017 02:21

I'm pretty sure she told the OP that she'd taken the money off her DD to offset the chance of the OP asking the DD what she'd bought with her birthday money at a later date!

Gabilan · 03/04/2017 08:11

It was taken from the recipient as part of a disciplinary transaction between the recipient and her mother - something about which we know nothing and hence are not entitled to judge

Well that's AIBU down the pan. It's premise is judging people based on one-sided accounts and little information.

This is why when many people answer they say things like "unless there's a huge backstory" or "I'd love to hear the other side of this". From the information we do have, the OP gave the child money as a present. The child's mother took the money and she has told the OP she's not giving it back. In that situation I'd be gobsmacked because it comes very close to "I'm a bit short this week, I know, I'll just take DD's present money".

I'm not sure if technically you can steal from your own 6 year old child. I certainly wouldn't involve police. But I would be making sure that in future any gifts were things, not money or vouchers, to reduce the risk of mummy dearest appropriating them. And not very sellable things at that.

Deidre21 · 03/04/2017 08:21

Your friend has been horrible. How can she use that as a punishment. I also feel that, yes, a gift of money should go towards either saving it for the child and/or buying something for the child that the child would like. From 4 years old onwards a child is able to decide what present they'd like even if you help narrow the choices down to 2 or 3 options within the price range for the amount of money which was given.

Strygil · 03/04/2017 09:30

Againagain97:

You have now twice alleged that I "must be the mother in this case." I am not. You should either substantiate this allegation or withdraw it and apologise for it.

You probably won't though, as you come across as someone who thinks that there are two ways of looking at anything, your way and the wrong way.

Neither am I impressed by your inability to make a reasoned counter to my view that how people parent their own children is their business - except of course in cases of physical or sexual abuse, and this situation counts as neither. If you can't come up with any thing better than "Rubbish......utter bollocks" then perhaps you would be best to hold your tongue. Si tacuisses, philosophus mansisses.

A parent cannot parent their child however they see fit and not escape punishment for mistreatment!

It depends on how you define mistreatment.

Your analogy of the money has been given, so the parent can take it without question is ridiculous!

I didn't make an analogy, I stated a fact - which is that when a gift is given, the giver has relinquished control of the gift and can have no control about what subsequently happens.

The parent should not benefit from the bad behaviour of a child. The least she could've done was return the money to the gift giver or donated it to charity.

That is your reading of the situation, and it may or may not be right. However that may be it doesn't entitle you to insult someone who holds [and has justified] another point of view. You may or may not reply to this post, but I will not be replying further. You are a bigot.

Koolchique · 03/04/2017 14:33

Taking it away permanently does feel harsh, especially since it's not to replace something that the little lady damaged. She is only 6.

Could you say to her mum that you'd like to ask for forgiveness on her daughter's behalf? If you ask again, she might just reconsider.

I hope she reads this thread and changes her mind if she's still got the money.

derbyfacepainting · 03/04/2017 20:24

The child should be allowed the money/gift at a later date when their behavior has improved.

It sounds to me, like mum kept the money for herself!

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