To expect birthday money I've given to a child to be spent on/saved for them?

[TheRealPooTroll]

I'm genuinely in two minds as to whether I'm unreasonable about this.
Last week it was my friends dd's birthday. I gave her £20 in a card. A few days later I was chatting to my friend and she told me her dd had lost the £20 for bad behaviour (ie friend had taken it as a punishment).
Part of me thinks that how my friend chooses to discipline her dd is none of my business but part of me also thinks that she could have chosen a different consequence that didn't mean I hadn't got her dd a present. Both families are quite close and the dd spoke to me about being sad that she no longer had the money and asked if I could buy her something else (she's quite young so wasn't trying to be cheeky I don't think). I said I couldn't as I'd already given her money and if her mum has taken it away it's not my place to go against that. But I did feel peeved by the whole thing.
I think what is also bothering me is that my friend is always skint (despite earning a lot more than me) so I feel like it was more about her wanting/needing the money for something rather than her dd doing much wrong as what she did was very minor. But again what she does and doesn't think worthy of discipline is none of my business either.
So what do people think? Is this something you'd do? Would you be annoyed if it was you or just accept that once you'd gifted the money it's up to the mum whether she gets to spend it?

[Againagain97]

Strugill, no apology needed from me. After all OP has done nothing wrong, so why would you need an apology even if you were the mother?

[Strygil]

Strugill, no apology needed from me. After all OP has done nothing wrong, so why would you need an apology even if you were the mother?

In your own idiom, rubbish and bollocks. The OP has nothing at all to do with the nonsensical allegation you have now posted twice about me: that I "must be the mother in this case."

I am not., and you should either substantiate this allegation or withdraw it and apologise for it.

You probably won't though, as you come across as someone who thinks that there are two ways of looking at anything, your way and the wrong way, which makes you a bigot.

As for this:

After all OP has done nothing wrong, so why would you need an apology even if you were the mother?

if you think that is a substantive point then I wonder if you are pissed or stupid - or possibly both?

[WombOfOnesOwn]

So the mother is relatively well-off but tends to spend lavishly and end up short?

Sounds like this is the real cause of the "bad behavior" that led to the girl having her present taken away.

My own mother would routinely do this to me and my sister, any time she had money problems and wanted a little extra. She'd seek out some "bad" thing we did and decide it warranted us giving up our money to her. Later on, she would also ask to "borrow" birthday or Christmas money (we always got cash from my grandparents and godparents, who weren't good at picking gifts for children!), and would always fail to return it.

This created a horrible and STILL difficult to deal with attitude toward money for my sister and for me, where it feels like you want to "spend it while you have it." Even knowing full well my mother has no ability to steal my money today, dealing with that for nearly two decades has warped, perhaps permanently, my ability to feel secure with money and finances.

[Benedikte2]

When a friend of mine started work her mother persuaded her to give her a large portion of it each week. Said she'd save it for her for when she left home. When the time came friend asked for the money only to have her mother deny she'd ever had it! Just so hard to fathom such abusive & unethical behaviour.