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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To expect birthday money I've given to a child to be spent on/saved for them?

129 replies

TheRealPooTroll · 31/03/2017 23:11

I'm genuinely in two minds as to whether I'm unreasonable about this.
Last week it was my friends dd's birthday. I gave her £20 in a card. A few days later I was chatting to my friend and she told me her dd had lost the £20 for bad behaviour (ie friend had taken it as a punishment).
Part of me thinks that how my friend chooses to discipline her dd is none of my business but part of me also thinks that she could have chosen a different consequence that didn't mean I hadn't got her dd a present. Both families are quite close and the dd spoke to me about being sad that she no longer had the money and asked if I could buy her something else (she's quite young so wasn't trying to be cheeky I don't think). I said I couldn't as I'd already given her money and if her mum has taken it away it's not my place to go against that. But I did feel peeved by the whole thing.
I think what is also bothering me is that my friend is always skint (despite earning a lot more than me) so I feel like it was more about her wanting/needing the money for something rather than her dd doing much wrong as what she did was very minor. But again what she does and doesn't think worthy of discipline is none of my business either.
So what do people think? Is this something you'd do? Would you be annoyed if it was you or just accept that once you'd gifted the money it's up to the mum whether she gets to spend it?

OP posts:
RainbowsAndUnicorn · 01/04/2017 07:59

I'd be really annoyed and would have definitely questioned it and asked for it back.

I've learnt not to give cash or vouchers to children as so many parents just take the money and see it as family money so the child misses out on the joy of choosing something for themselves.

KathArtic · 01/04/2017 08:05

And you are friends with this woman because?

larni13 · 01/04/2017 08:09

That's awful and YANBU

Next time give her vouchers like you've said or offer to take her out and give her the money then (if you're close enough and would want to do that).

Joey7t8 · 01/04/2017 08:15

If your friend doesn't give it back to you or put it in the daughter's savings account, then she's not feisty; she's a cunt.

I'm inclined to think that she engineered the child's naughty behaviour as an excuse. What sort of thing is a six year old capable of doing that can't be suitably punished by 10 mins on the naughty step?

DixieNormas · 01/04/2017 08:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Charlie97 · 01/04/2017 08:28

Also she can tell the daughter she's taken it but stick it in her daughters account.

Is she really saying the £20 is now hers?

It's wrong!

metalmum15 · 01/04/2017 09:15

What an awful mum. You gave that money in good faith and there's absolutely no excuse for her taking it. I would definitely mention it and say if the daughter isn't allowed it then you would like it back as surely mum isn't planning on spending your money on herself when surely she has her own money? I don't know many 6 year olds who ask for cash, at that age money is seen as boring and presents are far more exciting. Next time ask the girl what she's really into and get her an actual gift, or several little gifts (girls love that)

I would never dream of taking money away from my children. They tend to get quite a lot from various relatives at birthdays and Christmas so sometimes I might put some aside for something like new coat/shoes so we can tell said relative it's gone on something useful. The rest probably gets frittered away on plastic crap 😉

metalmum15 · 01/04/2017 09:15

What an awful mum. You gave that money in good faith and there's absolutely no excuse for her taking it. I would definitely mention it and say if the daughter isn't allowed it then you would like it back as surely mum isn't planning on spending your money on herself when surely she has her own money? I don't know many 6 year olds who ask for cash, at that age money is seen as boring and presents are far more exciting. Next time ask the girl what she's really into and get her an actual gift, or several little gifts (girls love that)

I would never dream of taking money away from my children. They tend to get quite a lot from various relatives at birthdays and Christmas so sometimes I might put some aside for something like new coat/shoes so we can tell said relative it's gone on something useful. The rest probably gets frittered away on plastic crap 😉

Floggingmolly · 01/04/2017 09:23

Ask for the money back, if she made it clear it's been removed permanently, and buy the kid something with it.
The brass neck of her, telling you she's taken it from her dd but not offering it back?? Shock. Was she actually intending to keep it herself? Hmm

MamaHanji · 01/04/2017 09:27

I'd ask for it back. You can't take presents away. Well you can, but it's awful to do.

Frazzledmum123 · 01/04/2017 10:17

Of course she should buy stuff throughout the year, I'm not saying that entitles her to the money as such more that if she does then is it much different to the above person using the money to buy a coat for example? Something you'd normally spend your own money on? I don't know, not sure why I'm even arguing really as I don't agree with what she's done but I am surprised people think it's quite as bad as they do. My children almost never buy toys with money given to them, it goes into an account for when they are older but then my kids are odd in that this is every bit as exciting as going shopping to them!

Original poster
TheRealPooTroll · 01/04/2017 11:13

Thanks for the messages. I could certainly ask for it back. But for the sake of £20 I doubt I will. My friend is pretty generous and wouldnt think anything of picking me up something in town for that amount of money as a gift for no reason so it would seem tight to say that money's mine even though technically I could. Also, as I mentioned, she's quite a lavish spender and often finds herself short so it's possible she will be using the money for things like bread and milk. Even if that's due to bad money management I wouldn't want to leave her short.
I guess I just wanted to know if it was a punishment others would use as I felt it was a bit mean.
I doubt she put the child up to asking for cash. I think I asked did she want a present or some money to choose her own as I knew she was planning on going into town to get a present from a relative and I thought she could choose something from the toy shop while she was there.
As for what the child did I'm trying not to give exact details in case friend reads this but it wasn't something that caused damage or wasted anything that needed replacing.

OP posts:
Floggingmolly · 01/04/2017 11:17

Possible she'll be using it for bread and milk... Confused

Mummyoflittledragon · 01/04/2017 12:07

The other way to handle it then is buy the little girl a present if you can afford it. I know you shouldn't have to. However it would also put your point across and may make her mum realise just how silly she has been. The present doesn't have to be £20. It could be a cheap toy or crafting activity. What about a paint you own money box to nail the point home?

kiwigeekmum · 01/04/2017 13:22

When is your friends birthday?? Cause I'd be buying the child a toy to the value of what you'd spend on the friend instead!

I like this suggestion.

YANBU. I would definitely expect the money to be used for the dd in some way, even if the punishment was "You can't spend this on toys, I will bank it in your account instead". But to say "You've been naughty so I'm taking your money" is soooo not okay, especially for a 6 year old!

ShowMePotatoSalad · 01/04/2017 13:26

The gift was not her's to rescind. You don't take away birthday gifts from other people as punishment. That's just nuts.

She wanted to spend the voucher herself. That's what I reckon.

RebelandaStunner · 01/04/2017 13:45

Your friend is warped. I feel sorry for that little girl.
I would definitely ask very firmly for the money back, buy a gift with no receipt and not tell her where it's from.

Majorgoodwinschickenbeatstrump · 01/04/2017 14:07

This can't be true surely? Who would a) do this and then b) tell the gift giver? I can understand borrowing a child's money if things were very hard financially but then it'd be a bloody last resort and fully paid back swiftly. You need to get rid of this person, they have zero respect for their child or you.m and sound very nasty. Sad

HelenaGWells · 01/04/2017 14:10

Very generous is not a lovely trait if it leaves you always short of cash. It's an irresponsible thing to do. It helps no one buying lovely things then not being able to feed your kids ffs.

Taking a gift from a child is an absolutely disgusting thing to do.

I can see like a pp mentioned something like "you can't go spend your birthday money today" but just permanently taking away a child's birthday gift is a horrible way to parent imo.

kittybiscuits · 01/04/2017 14:12

Obviously you will be giving it back because otherwise that would be theft

MatildaTheCat · 01/04/2017 14:38

I would text and say you are really disappointed with this and would like to see the money given back. If the mum has spent it on bread and milk then it's even worse because it implies she engineered the whole situation get her hands on the cash.

If she refuses and you still want to be friends why? the on her birthday invite her dd out and give her a lovely treat such as the theatre or cinema with pizza. Stealing from a child is really low.

I used to have a colleague who was really tight. Every Christmas without fail she would conjure up some misdemeanour of her son and say his punishment was no gifts. And she stuck to it. Poor kid. Sad

clumsyduck · 01/04/2017 14:43

Just awful I could never do this to dc!!

Absolutely Fine to say your not spending it this week due to your behaviour but to permanently take it as pp have said is very cruel and yea sounds like she just wanted to spend it herself !

Meluzyna · 02/04/2017 17:30

If she really felt the need to punish her daughter by taking the money off her then she should have said "you've been so naughty that you can't go shopping to spend that money: I'm putting it in your savings account for another time" and then have done so.
In the future I might be inclined to give a five pound gift and put the remaining £15 directly into the child's savings account.

SpeedwellBlue · 02/04/2017 17:34

I bet she was looking for an opportunity to get her hands on that money.

PopcornBits · 02/04/2017 17:36

My mum disciplined me like this, it was really horrible. As a child it's obviously exciting to receive money, especially if you don't normally get it on a regular basis like pocket money.
I remember being excited and wanting to go to the shop with it get some sweets, my mum took it off me for being naughty and spent it on fags.
She also stole money off me when I got older for fags as well, I wasn't even living with her at this point either.
Your friend is a shit person.