To expect birthday money I've given to a child to be spent on/saved for them?

[TheRealPooTroll]

I'm genuinely in two minds as to whether I'm unreasonable about this.
Last week it was my friends dd's birthday. I gave her £20 in a card. A few days later I was chatting to my friend and she told me her dd had lost the £20 for bad behaviour (ie friend had taken it as a punishment).
Part of me thinks that how my friend chooses to discipline her dd is none of my business but part of me also thinks that she could have chosen a different consequence that didn't mean I hadn't got her dd a present. Both families are quite close and the dd spoke to me about being sad that she no longer had the money and asked if I could buy her something else (she's quite young so wasn't trying to be cheeky I don't think). I said I couldn't as I'd already given her money and if her mum has taken it away it's not my place to go against that. But I did feel peeved by the whole thing.
I think what is also bothering me is that my friend is always skint (despite earning a lot more than me) so I feel like it was more about her wanting/needing the money for something rather than her dd doing much wrong as what she did was very minor. But again what she does and doesn't think worthy of discipline is none of my business either.
So what do people think? Is this something you'd do? Would you be annoyed if it was you or just accept that once you'd gifted the money it's up to the mum whether she gets to spend it?

[PopcornBits]

Please ask for the money back. Even if you think she's using it for bread and milk, that's not the point. That child will be deeply upset, and its not very fair what she's done, she could have chosen another way to discipline.

[Craigie]

You can't fucking FINE your children for naughty behaviour. You friend sounds like a mad bitch. Jesus H Christ.

[user1489261248]

I find this incredulous. She has basically stolen your money! It would be like you buying a friend's child a video game, and the friend keeping it herself and using it and not letting the child use it. Or like your friend selling it for £20 and pocketing the money.

And so what if she is brassic? We have been potless in the past, and have never, ever taken money off our kids. (Even if they 'have' been a bit naughty...) Utterly disgusting behaviour.

I hope you let her know she needs to give the child the money back.

[TheMysteriousJackelope]

YANBU.

Involving other people in punishments is not on in my opinion. That was a present you wanted to go to the child, not something you wanted to be used as way of punishing the child. If she wants to withhold presents she should take her own back.

I also don't like the thing where we invite my DC's friends over for a fun day of activities only to get a phone call around the expected arrival time saying 'Not bringing X as she didn't do her homework/clean her room/talked back to me so her punishment is missing out on the day with you'. This completely misses the point that my children are now missing out on the day too and that I've got a lot of stuff ready for the day which now goes to waste. People who pull that stunt more than once don't get invited at all.

[JFT96]

I wouldn't take it from a young child as a punishment but I regularly confiscate money from my teens for horrible behaviour and I don't give it back unless they earn it - which none of them have ever bothered to do. I can see this wouldn't be popular on this thread but I've got nothing else that works. I don't see the point in temporary confiscation because if they know they're getting it back then it's no incentive to improve behaviour and therefore no punishment at all

[Strygil]

Unless you gave the money with explicit instructions as to how it should be spent [in which case it ceases to be a gift], then what happens to it after the recipient accepts is, literally, none of your business.

[Touchmybum]

I'd probably ask her in front of her mum what she spent her money on. At 6, she will tell you what happened. Then I'd say, "ah no, I am sure she will give it back to you when your behaviour is better, and then I can take you down to the shops to spend it - would you like that?"

Shameful thing to do to a child. Definitely never give her money again.

[Againagain97]

Unless you gave the money with explicit instructions as to how it should be spent [in which case it ceases to be a gift], then what happens to it after the recipient accepts is, literally, none of your business

Rubbish, I give children money and say use this to buy something nice! I would not give explicit instruction. I would ask next time I saw them "did you get something nice"?

Are you the mother? You certainly seem to be in the minority here.

[user1489261248]

So strygil, if you bought someone a gift that cost you say 20 or 30 quid, and someone took it off them as a punishment for something they had done 'wrong,' and KEPT the gift; would you be OK for the gift you bought for a friend to go a third party? This (cash) gift was for the child; the mother STOLE it from her. Is that really OK with you? For the woman to STEAL from her child?

[threesocksmeghan]

Definitely an excuse for her to take the money for herself :(

[Aeroflotgirl]

I would have replied to her, that i hope your going to give it back to her!

[Purplealienpuke]

JFT96 if your kids never earn it back it doesn't work then surely??
The situation with the 6 yr old is just awful. I wouldn't be giving money again or vouchers incase this mother thought they were easy pickings! I would be tempted to buy a replacement toy or a slightly bigger easter gift than usual.
Your friend doesn't seem too nice op, good luck finding some better people to hang out with

[Aeroflotgirl]

Omg she stole her money, that is disgraceful. Really that would be a deal breaker in the friendship, that's awful! That money was meant for her for her birthday. It was an excuse by the mum, to spend the money. How could she do that to her daughter.

[JFT96]

Purple I get your point because it looks like they don't care enough about the money to bother to even try and get it returned, but believe me they are always pissed off but are too lazy to do anything about it at the same time. I think they believe I'll back down eventually but should know by now that I won't. I don't like this as a punishment but have literally nothing else. Like I said though I'd never use it on my own younger child

[Aeroflotgirl]

She's only 6, not 16, what a horrid woman.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

JFT - surely that's their pocket money though, not money given as a gift?

[Mummyoflittledragon]

JFT96 if your kids never earn it back it doesn't work then surely??

My thoughts exactly. Neither taking away money temporarily nor permanently works for your children, does it JFT?

Anyway op hasn't been back in a while. I think she sounds scared of her "friend". Imagine how shit that must be for the child.

[HotelEuphoria]

This has made me really angry, as parent she can withdraw privileges she would normally give but to take away money that had been gifted to the child by somebody else when the child was well behaved is outrageous, theft and appalling.

I could seriously fall out with a friend over this.

[SingingSilver]

If her dd can't have the money, the only acceptable thing would be to return it to you!

(Don't give her cash in future, give her something her DM won't be tempted to steal...)

[JFT96]

Thumb, it's from wherever, I can't remember every source exactly. I'm not exactly smiling when I take it but they don't respond to anything else

Dragon I wouldn't say it never works. One of my sons lost £180 over a year ago and he's still on about it, so I can't say never

If anyone knows of more appropriate punishments for teens like mine then I'm very open to listening

[NewPuppyMum]

This has reminded me of my foster non carers who used to take all the present money I was given "to bank it" and kept it for themselves .

[HotelEuphoria]

Just adding to this, if the child had lost the money for bad behaviour surely it should have been returned to the giver, not kept by the thieving grabbing parents towards a night out.

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

JFT - it doesn't sound like it really is working for you, sadly. Rather than give ideas on here though, why don't you start a thread of your own, so we can follow your posts more easily? I'm sure there are people out there who have had similar issues who have found something useful to help!
I don't have teens yet but am rather dreading it!

[Strygil]

So strygil, if you bought someone a gift that cost you say 20 or 30 quid, and someone took it off them as a punishment for something they had done 'wrong,' and KEPT the gift; would you be OK for the gift you bought for a friend to go a third party? This (cash) gift was for the child; the mother STOLE it from her. Is that really OK with you? hmm For the woman to STEAL from her child?

Don't shout at me, please. By definition when you give a gift to someone you have relinquished control over it, end of story. If this mother sees fit to punish her child by confiscating - whether permanently or temporarily - a present, then that is her business and no-one else's. Ranting about "theft" seems rather precious to me. As for your not-very cleverly loaded hypothetical question, my answer is yes. I would see it as an unkind thing to do, but how other people parent their children is their business and no-one else's. Most of the problems in this world stem, not from petty tyrants like this child's mother, but from busybodies with not enough to do.

[threesocksmeghan]

Just read your update OP that you probably won't ask for the money back as it's only 20 quid and your friend is 'generous' with you. That's really not the point. She's stolen from her own child and 20 quid is a HUGE amount of money to a six year old, and losing a birthday gift at that age and ending up with no present at all at that age must be devastating.

Please ask for it back and take your friends dd out with the money another time. Please.