To expect birthday money I've given to a child to be spent on/saved for them?

[TheRealPooTroll]

I'm genuinely in two minds as to whether I'm unreasonable about this.
Last week it was my friends dd's birthday. I gave her £20 in a card. A few days later I was chatting to my friend and she told me her dd had lost the £20 for bad behaviour (ie friend had taken it as a punishment).
Part of me thinks that how my friend chooses to discipline her dd is none of my business but part of me also thinks that she could have chosen a different consequence that didn't mean I hadn't got her dd a present. Both families are quite close and the dd spoke to me about being sad that she no longer had the money and asked if I could buy her something else (she's quite young so wasn't trying to be cheeky I don't think). I said I couldn't as I'd already given her money and if her mum has taken it away it's not my place to go against that. But I did feel peeved by the whole thing.
I think what is also bothering me is that my friend is always skint (despite earning a lot more than me) so I feel like it was more about her wanting/needing the money for something rather than her dd doing much wrong as what she did was very minor. But again what she does and doesn't think worthy of discipline is none of my business either.
So what do people think? Is this something you'd do? Would you be annoyed if it was you or just accept that once you'd gifted the money it's up to the mum whether she gets to spend it?

[bloodyfuming9]

Yep, definitely ask for it back, there's no possible acceptable reason the mother can give for keeping it herself.

No need to tell mum you'll give it to her daughter another time or anything (but you could buy a present, and just call it an Easter present instead).

Tell the mother After you've got the money back, that you feel really uncomfortable about what she's done, and ask / tell her not to do it again.

[Onemorewonthurt]

I'd also ask her for it back, as it's her dds gift that has now been taken away she should return it to you anyway

Not spend it on herself

In fact, I'd make sure I got it back.

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

So she's always skint, she's stolen the money you gave to her child, and because she's 'feisty' you don't want to say anything?

Deep breath, big girl pants etc, and tell her in that case you want the money back if her DD can't have it.

Do you really want her as a friend if she can do that?

[ijustwannadance]

You specifically gave the £20 to the child as a gift. The mother has no bloody right to take it and spend it herself. Cheeky cow.

I also wonder if she made up this harsh punishment as an excuse to keep it.

[Fossie]

Ask for the money back if the child can't have it. At least the mum might think twice about trying that again with you in the future. Maybe give the child a treat like a trip to the cinema with you next time for a birthday that can't be taken away. Not much else you can do this time though without seeming to undermine mum.

[TheDevilMadeMeDoIt]

I'm also wondering what else the little girl gets taken away from her if it catches her mother's eye?

[Atenco]

Whatever the child did couldn't have been as bad as theft, could it?

I think you should ask for the money back.

[Madwoman5]

Buy cinema tickets next time...?

[ThumbWitchesAbroad]

YANBU, that's completely awful. It's not like pocket money, it was a gift!
If you'd given her an actual toy or something as a gift, instead of cash, would her mother have confiscated that in the same way? Doubtful! So this shouldn't have gone either.

I tend to agree with you that she saw it as money she could use; but lesson learnt, don't give the child money again. for both you and her DD,

[emmyrose2000]

What six year old asks for cash?! I bet her mum put her up to that, with the intention of using it herself later on. The "punishment" thing was just a convenient way to cover for her theft.

I'd say something to the "mother" in front of the child. "Has (child) been given back the money I gave her for her birthday yet"?

[Charlie97]

I presume that if she's taken the money off her daughter as a punishment then she's returned it to you??

Otherwise she's engineered the situation for her own financial gain?

You must challenge her and say that the £20 was a gift to her daughter, if she doesn't deserve it then you'll have it back.

But it's certainly not the mothers!!

[Trifleorbust]

That is pretty cheeky. It is up to her how she disciplines her daughter but I think a temporary removal is far enough.

[HopefullyAnonymous]

Another one saying ask for it back - it was a gift to her DD, not her!

[Frazzledmum123]

Ok so I agree it was a bit rubbish and not something I'd do but theft? Really? I don't think you ABU to be annoyed, I would too but plenty of people take toys away as punishment don't they, them fact it's money doesn't make it different in that respect. I appreciate perhaps the toys are usually returned but not always? Not had to go down this line yet so perhaps I have that wrong but either way the parent more than likely spends her own money on non essential treats for the kid throughout the year here and there so although yes, it is a crap thing to do, saying it's the worst thing you've ever heard a parent do seems way over the top! It's hardly going to scar the child when she's just had loads of gifts for her birthday, more crap for the OP than the child in my opinion

[MrsELM21]

Terrible. Withholding the money for a short while for some reason could be OK (ish) in some circumstances but to take it away completely is really mean.

Your friend needed/wanted the money and has taken it for herself

[Trb17]

This is awful. If she'd taken it for a set time so as to delay her spending it then ok. E.g. You can't buy that doll this weekend but if you're good maybe the weekend after.

To take it and keep it is massively inappropriate and made worse that she told you! Even if it wasn't mean to do so at least she should have returned it to you.

I feel bad for this little girl. In future by non returnable gifts. Don't do vouchers asxsge might sell them!

[Trb17]

*buy

[Trb17]

Last paragraph should read:

I feel bad for this little girl. In future buy non returnable gifts. Don't do vouchers as she might sell them!

[Anniegetyourgun]

the parent more than likely spends her own money on non essential treats for the kid throughout the year here

I should bloody well hope so! It's her child! That doesn't mean it's ok to snaffle the child's presents to pay herself back And the kid is six. Six is too young to give permanent consequences IMO. Telling them they can't go out and spend it this weekend as planned because they have been naughty, fine. Taking it forever, not fine.

[IJustWantABrew]

It's really no different than confiscating a toy for bad behaviour. However, I'm sure the Mum could have found a number of other items to remove had her daughter misbehaved and then waited until her daughters behaviour had improved and they could have gone shopping with your £20. It sounds like your friend did it more for her personal gain. Maybe make a comment in a few months to your friend and ask what she bought her dd with the cash.
If you get the dd another gift try something for a child specific place (toys r us etc) or an actual gift.

[user1471521456]

The one circumstance where I might find it acceptable is if it is a consequence type punishment for breaking or damaging or losing something. For example, child has been told repeatedly not to play football in the house. Child keeps playing football, something gets smashed, they replace it with money out of their piggy bank.

[Bluntness100]

That's terrible. I guess if she took it and gave it back to you, that would slightly mitigate it, but even then still horrible. But to take it and keep it for herself, that's just nasty. Who does that? And what would a six year old do that deserved it. 😔

[ColourfulOrangex]

My sister in law done this before, u had bought my niece a toy and gave my nephew some money as he was older and is at the awkward age, he was a little naughgy the following day so she took it off if him (and he didn't get it back) while i agree she should punish him I don't think taking a gift is fair so I don't think you ABU and I feel bad for the girl that it was a birthday present

[ColourfulOrangex]

Completely agree with user1471521456

[Mummyoflittledragon]

Can you send a text along the lines of:

"As you have decided x doesn't deserve her birthday money, could I have it back please."

If she says no, I'd state "I gave the money to x in good faith that she would be able to spend it on herself. I understand that you have chosen to punish her, however it shouldn't be at my expense." (So not from the angle of the dd at all as that will cause her to tell you to stop interfering in her chosen discipline methods).

Then use it for a trip to the cinema and an ice cream over Easter or to a play park etc and tell her dd that you are sorry she didn't get to enjoy her present and hope she enjoyed her treat instead.