To think Young Carers should NOT exist and wonder why we are accepting this?

[OopsDearyMe]

I was thinking about my own situation and after seeing the comic relief story about the young carers group. It got me thinking, Why is no one in uproar that children are doing the jobs of social care workers.

If you are elderly and need help, you receive a care package and a carer assigned to you, who visits the home and helps take care of you, yes ? As it should be!

Then why if you become disabled at a younger age, do you not get the same?

Children who work, do so under strict guidelines, if you made your child do the things young carers do, as an able bodied person, you would be seeing social services pretty soon..

So why are we and the government ignoring the fact that thousands of children are doing the jobs an adult carer should be doing?

AIBU to think this is all wrong!

I am not saying the money should not have gone to the charities helping young carers , as I know they do a really important job. But I would prefer the money paid for a carer for the adult, thus preventing any child from becoming a carer in the first place.

NB: I Understand that currently we haven't got enough carers for the elderly let alone anyone else, which is why this happens, But surely this is because the government isn't being pushed to make changes. People seem to say"Oh how sad" and move on..

In my situation I was ill before hand, but it was mild compared to now, the first pregnancy really messed up my body, I had hyperemesis, the pregnancy was 9 months of destruction. My condition worsened, but DS wanted a sibling, I felt guilty, so we kept trying, we eventually got pregnant, same scenario again. Luckily I had family really keen on helping with the children.

The children have a great support network now.

Am I selfish for putting them through this, when I knew I was ill. When I was bad with DS I didn't have much diagnosed, I was relatively OK before the pregnancy. It was during and after it all took its toll. I'll never say to DS oh being pregnant escalated my problems. I was really really ill.

Second time round you could reasonably blame me, but it was a joint informed decision. If it was possible to give DS a sibling, it meant a lot to him.

I never set off thinking, oh they can be my minions.

Totally agree with you. And if that single mum did not have a child, she would have to do those things herself anyway. I know it is hard, but kids have to come first.

What I find astounding from some of these vociferious posters is that you are blaming the parents. You're missing the point. It's the lack of social care funding and health care funding that is actually the issue. However, I'm sure it's easier to blame the individual. Children who are caring for single disabled parents are the most vulnerable in society. It's easy to sit behind your computer and say "bad mum!". How many of you have lobbied your MP? It takes minutes to find out who they are and fire off an email.

Wayfaring, agree that healthcare and social care could and should be better.

However, I disagree that the individul plays no part. If you choose to have a child knowing you can't cope with your own health needs and there is no carer in place then it is selfish to have a child. Not only from the point of view that they will have their life limited due to caring duties, carry an emotional burden they don't deserve and be curtailed in what they can do as the parent is not able to parent fully.

brasty - you sanctimonious prick.
I am the single mum and whereas before it was 24 hrs of crap and I would literally camp by the toilet get myself water and something to eat and curl up and cope.

now it is 3 days of illness and with one toilet in the house this is not an option. Do you seriously expect my 9 yr old to watch me lurch, crawl across the floor and not help - get a reality check. My kids are caring thoughtful human beings.

My DCs come first foremost and are my everything - part of that is living in a not perfect family and looking after each other. I recognise their efforts and in my good times make sure they know and know I appreciate what they do. As my eldest said - you do the same for us , we just do it occsionally.

I wish they did not see me like this but what do you think i should do - disappear for a few days and leave them on their own in the house - you are living in cloud cuckoo land.

I

I agree with you rainbow. I do think the much larger issue is the lack of support on a societal level for these kids, it is reasonable to acknowledge that parents don't always have kids responsibly, be that drug addicts, alcoholics, etc, and I don't see it as crossing a line to point out that parents with disabilities, mental or physical, severe enough to have serious implications of both the parent and their child, should take that into consideration before having children. And there's no point getting super angry about it, it is logical, and anyway, it doesn't really change anything, those children still exist, and no one can police people having children.

On the other hand, how many young carers are born to parents who knowingly brought a child into the world knowing they would not cope and have no support, I don't know. I imagine a more common scenario for young carers is that they have parents who became ill after having children, or who had a capable partner that is no longer around. I certainly can't say for sure though!

workingmumsarebad (nice name BTW ) no need to be so rude, plus I don't see what was wrong with brasty's post at all...

Yanbu.

I'm confused at the posters saying their kids are young carers but don't do any caring. If they don't do any caring they are not young carers, surely?

I suggest everybody reads Fairtalesarebullshit's posts (page 7).

She raises some important points and gives a balanced view of what does happen and what sometimes happen.

True limon, it is kind of minimising how hard it is for young carer's to have parents saying, "what are you on about, how ridiculous, my kids do this and that for me and they're fine with it".

That's great, but are your children responsible for looking after your wellbeing, providing emotional support, taking care of essential responsibilities like making sure food is on in the house or being the main carer for younger siblings? And bearing in mind these children usually have to do this every day, for years, and not just when your are feeling poorly? Of course there are varying degrees of what different carers have to do and every family dynamic is different, but don't be so arrogant as to think you dismiss how difficult being a YC is because your kids help you out around the house...

Limon sometimes yp are classed as young carers because they live with a family member who has care needs and a lot of the other parent's (or whoever) time goes on looking after them and they don't get the attention another child Ina 'normal' situation would, they're worrying about family, are deeply impacted on etc

My post was about the mum with depression who got her 9 year old to cook, clean, and shop. And yes I stand by what I said. I have had severe depression, and if the mum was by herself, she would have had to cope. If you can't feed yourself with severe depression, you get sectioned.
Of course the house would not be clean I am sure, but I could make myself do the basics.

Brickinit I agree her post was fantastic, and it is how children can and should be treated, even with a severely disabled parent.

Fairytales if you are still reading this, I know you only gave a brief outline and small glimpse of your kids lives but they sound so sweet, happy and well taken care of

I hope this doesn't sound patronizing, but Fairytales, you sound like a fantastic mother!

Fairytales you mention a DH in your post, who it sounds is able to do the majority of the caring work?

Lucky you. Lots of young carers either only have one parent, or both parents are ill/disabled. I think judging people who rely on young carers is a bit rich when you don't have to.

No, Ovaries. I think judging the situations those children as as awful and entirely unsuitable for children is perfectly reasonable, regardless of your circumstances.

It is not necessarily a personal slight on people who rely on their children to be their carer, and even if it is, it is what it is. It's an awful situation for those children regardless of whose "fault" it is, and it's just not okay to let children live like that.

I used to work for a charity that helped Young Carers. We supplied grants for them to go on school trips, buy kit for sports clubs etc as well online forums etc.
What was awful though was one parent wouldnt let her child to do any of that. It took SS 2 years to pursued her, that her dd should be able to have some semblance of a childhood

cherries like I said sanctimonious. It is a slight from an uneducated person who does not under the circumstances. From your little throne, with no clue re the details,you judge or all of as inadequate parents. Insulting.

You can sit in your perfect ivory tower and judge us mere mortals, who as a whole agree that our DCs should not have to do a caring role and do our damndest to lessen any burden - but with no help, no support and no family around - sometimes just sometimes some fo us fail to live up to your perfect standards.

I think judging the situations those children as as awful and entirely unsuitable for children is perfectly reasonable, regardless of your circumstances

Fair enough, I disagree.

I still think the tone of Fairy's post is awful. I doubt that woman wants her child caring for her; I don't think any parent wants that for their child. There seems to be an attitude on here that these parents are rubbing their hands in glee at what perfect little slaves they've created. It's just not true. It's not an ideal situation for all involved but I wouldn't say it's an "awful" childhood, certainly not for all (or even most) young carers, or to imply that they are being abused by their parents.

The onus should be on extended family to provide more practical help; the government to provide more funding and the school to provide more emotional support and understanding. The parents and kids are just doing their best to get by.

What do you think disabled and ill people do who don't have children? They have to cope. Yes of course if you have no one to help the children might end up doing more for themselves than any parent would want. But if people cope alone, then no I don't think a child should be doing that work.

Pot kettle black to use the word sanctimonious whilst your user name slates millions of parents ....

I don't think it's anything to do with "ivory towers" whatsoever. The fact is no child should be caring for an adult, it's should only ever be the other way round. If they are forced into that role by a parent then society should stand up for them as nobody else will.

What do you think disabled and ill people do who don't have children? They have to cope.

I assume that some cope, some have extended family to help, some can afford private care, some die. Many don't cope and rely more on already-overstretched mental health or disability services.

I'm not saying the situation is ideal, I'm not saying kids should be doing it, but I'm saying that it happens and it's not fair to criticise the children or their parents for the situation.

If they are forced into that role by a parent then society should stand up for them as nobody else will.

They are forced into that role by society because it won't do enough to help their parents in the first place.

Society doesn't force them into the role, their parents do.

Nobody is criticising the children, they get no choice and will leave with the consequences long into adulthood.

Adults do have choices, they can choose not to children if they can't care for them or they expect them to do the caring. They can make other arrangements etc. If they didn't have children they would have to cope.

Some have extended family to help. But if they do not have the money to pay, they will get very basic paid care. For the rest, they just cope.
Some of the examples given in this thread have been for parents who have been assessed as not being ill or disabled enough to need care. I know the bar is very very high. But I actually think some people on this thread don't realise how much many ill and disabled people do just have to cope without support at all, or very little.

And if there is an able bodied partner, then I don't care how many hours you work, a young child should not be doing all or most of the housework and cooking.

I have a chronic disability. I do understand how hard this is and how difficult life is. And I understand that it is unavoidable often that kids are not going to have the same experiences as others such as days out, or being transported to lots of after school activities. But yes I would rather sit in my own shit until an adult came to clean me, than expect a child to do that. I would rather post on the internet, than use a child as my emotional support.

Nobody is criticising the children, they get no choice and will leave with the consequences long into adulthood

Sorry, you've met every young carer, have you?

Adults do have choices, they can choose not to children if they can't care for them or they expect them to do the caring. They can make other arrangements etc. If they didn't have children they would have to cope

They can choose not to have children, IF they're ill before they have kids.

They can make other arrangements, IF they can afford to/have a support network around.

What about if they couldn't cope? Do they just die? Oh well, one less disabled person in the world.