To think Young Carers should NOT exist and wonder why we are accepting this?

[OopsDearyMe]

I was thinking about my own situation and after seeing the comic relief story about the young carers group. It got me thinking, Why is no one in uproar that children are doing the jobs of social care workers.

If you are elderly and need help, you receive a care package and a carer assigned to you, who visits the home and helps take care of you, yes ? As it should be!

Then why if you become disabled at a younger age, do you not get the same?

Children who work, do so under strict guidelines, if you made your child do the things young carers do, as an able bodied person, you would be seeing social services pretty soon..

So why are we and the government ignoring the fact that thousands of children are doing the jobs an adult carer should be doing?

AIBU to think this is all wrong!

I am not saying the money should not have gone to the charities helping young carers , as I know they do a really important job. But I would prefer the money paid for a carer for the adult, thus preventing any child from becoming a carer in the first place.

NB: I Understand that currently we haven't got enough carers for the elderly let alone anyone else, which is why this happens, But surely this is because the government isn't being pushed to make changes. People seem to say"Oh how sad" and move on..

Armpitz, you say that every case should be treated as individual, and then you say that a woman in a wheelchair will always be there when her child comes home from school. You do realise that people in wheelchairs can - gasp! - work outside the home?? I'm a teacher and have a colleague in a wheelchair, and she's one of the best teachers I've known.
As a teacher, I've seen kids have to drop out of school because of caring responsibilities. Its so wrong that they have to shoulder adult burdens. Even if they THINK they want to care for their parent, what if they change their mind when they see the reality?? I had poor parents, and I remember when I was a kid I wanted to drop out of school and earn money for them. Thank goodness for my future that the law wouldn't allow it. The law shouldn't allow children to take on an adult carer's role either, and should recognise that children might want something that it isn't good for them to have. Children have two roles in life - to have fun, and to prepare for a bright future for themselves. NOT to wipe bums or run a household (obviously a normal amount of light chores are fine).

Of course I do but then somebody who is able to work outside the home extensively probably doesn't need as much care as people here have been talking about. I am not the one (imo) deciding what disabled people can and can't do :)

Like a PP I was a young carer to a sibling. Our mum is his main carer but I still had to do stuff that normal siblings don't do for each other.

• Wiping a baby's bum, fairly normal. Wiping a 14 year olds bum, not so normal.
• Baby sitting a teenager, because he can't be left alone, on the weekends (so mum can go out) which means I had to miss out on things with friends.
• Worrying about how they'll cope we I grow up and move out.
• Missing out on doing fun stuff because "your brother can do it so it wouldn't be fair" or "it would be too stressful with him".
• I remember being astounded that my peers couldn't shower themselves, do their hair, make food, babysit etc. from a fairly early age (not sure when this was)

I've spent most of my life worrying about what happens to me and him when our parents can't care for him anymore. I've been pushed to be successful so that I can be his carer down the line.

And I don't even have it that bad. When I attended our local young carers thing there were kids who had it so much worse but mostly we didn't talk about our home lives because if was nice to have somewhere we "got" each other for once and could relax and be kids before going back to it in a couple hours.

I really hate those "oh look isn't billy such a lovely boy looking after his disabled sister" videos because I've been there and there isn't really much of a choice, that's pretty much how you grow up and I always thing about "what happens when he wants to move out? Have his own life and family? He's going to have to plan around his sister, like he's always done"

I have name changed for this as maybe identifying but am a regular poster.
This is something very close to my heart, I was a young carer myself from the age of 6, not for a parent, but for my brother who was and is severely disabled. My dad buried his head in the sand and was horrible to both me and my mum and my mum struggled to cope and a lot of things were put on my shoulders. Cooking, cleaning, ironing, washing, helping in the house and a lot of emotional stress from all the constant pressure everyone was under. Not being able to have friends over as my brother would attack them, always having to put him first and my parents always having to put him first. I remember helping my mum clean poo up he had smeared around or sick in the early hours of the morning. We couldn't go for days out as it was to much for him so we were housebound, running 20 mins home when i was about 9 because we were stranded and he wouldnt move and having to get his disabled pushchair because we were literally stranded. I went to a young carers group and it was a lifeline. some of the children in that group cared for both their parents and were absolutely amazing. I never received any support at school even though it did affect my school work a lot and i think this is something that needs to change. The biggest thing for me was isolation. my friends didnt understand the caring role i had and would go on about parties and going out after shchool but i knew i had to be home to help my mum care for him as there was no way she would be able to do it all and look after him at the same time. The young carers group i went to received little in the way of government support and i think young carers are a group of people that are overlooked in society and i wish that this would change. i was always a very mature child because i had to be. it wasnt my mums fault, i blame my dad who in hindsight my mum should have LTB as it made all of our lives so much more difficult and stressful then it needed to be. its not something that even now i mention to people but i think in some ways i still think about it even now.

olderthanyouthink you could be me. I was a yc to my sibling and the biggest thing i was my parents had of done was have another child as all i do as an adult now is worry what is going to happen when my parents are no longer around, obviously i will look after him but i worry that would i be able to and it has driven me into a successful career just as much if not more than my own children. All i do even now is worry for his future and my parents as they get older.

user sounds kinda similar, yeah.
My parent are burying their heads in the sand when it comes to long term care they won't really talk about it, how about yours?
Mine have moved and now live 80 miles away, my mum hasn't work and has been a full time carer since he was born. I can't really cover for that day to day.

My parents don't talk about it, i think they are too scared too to be honest. My parents and sibling still live nearby and i see them all most days, but my mum no longer works as my brother has significant care needs and is maybe like a 3-4 year old but is now 25. It sounds so selfish but i worry that when I'm older i will be looking after him and what if i can't? what will happen to him if he goes into a home? it will still be my responsibility as i have no other siblings and no other family either, it is so stressful and i worry about it all the time

The woman I know who is paraplegic works. Her partner is a SAHD.Just being there is not enough.

MrsBlue slightly different but I'm PG now, I've been stable a year but I have no guarantee I will stay stable iyswim.

I'm "lucky" in the sense I'm stable 99% of the time. The 1% I'm not I have a supportive DH and parents. My DD's have never and will never see me ill.

It was a loss of a child that led to my MH issues (I already had 2 DD's at this point) and it took a long time for us to decide to try. If I didn't have a support network in place I wouldn't of risked pregnancy.

I was a carer, I specialised in Palliative and MH and it was the MH side of it I found harder. I don't think many children have the mental maturity to deal with it.

MH services are notoriously hit and miss, there isn't nearly enough support out there.

Jesus there are some sanctimonious pricks on here. Child abuse?? Eugenics??

Unfortunately my children have had to be young carers to look after mainly their physically and mentally ill Dad but also to help me out when things got tough and my own mental illness took a turn for the worse. They are well rounded and empathetic young adults now but god I regret them having to do what they did for us for all those years. All the times friends couldn't visit as a change in routine could be triggering; being scared to come home as they weren't sure what they were coming home to. But what is the alternative? Because I am his carer and the kids are around, CMHT have withdrawn all support, even closed down the Support Bed Unit that gave us a week's respite every couple of months. A stranger coming into our home is only going to make things worse. So it has to fall on their shoulders. Am I guilty of child abuse and neglect?

And to suggest disabled people shouldn't be allowed to 'breed' if they need care for themselves, words fail me. How about banning parents from having any more children if their first child has an illness/disability that requires long term care? After all, it's the siblings who will be left caring when the parents are dead. It's a very slippery road you're suggesting.

Having a bad enough day as it is, reading this has just made me feel even worse

It's not sanctimonious to believe it's wrong having children knowing that they will be carers.

Childhood is a time to be carefree, for education , to have fun and make the most of no responsibilities before adult life kicks in.

The parents should be doing the caring for them and never the other way round.

I don't think people with disabilities sit around thinking "I'll have a child and they'll be my carer". It's far more likely that they think "I want a child" (perfectly normal and rational) and think that social services will provide support. The state should be providing support.

I had to laugh at the dramatic "social workers are colluding in this abuse" (paraphrasing). What the fuck do you want social services to do? Pull £1000 per week out of their arses for each disabled parent? Talk to your MP, let them know that we cannot meet the basic needs of people with disabilities.

I think you are totally right and frankly quite shocked at the attitudes of other posters.

In my experience their is always a negative impact on the child. At a minimum attendance at school is erratic and the child often struggles to catch up or gives up entirely. More serious and unfortunately over time, the child's mental health deteriorates. In most cases the young carer develops chronic anxiety and in many cases severe depression.

Presumably, the overall target is to eradicate any negative affects of being a young carer. There is no way the support currently available will be enough to come close to the aim. I have absolutely no idea how funding decisions are made. The usual approach does seem to be to provide a little support to as many people as possible.

Im going to get flamed for this but i dont really care. I totally agree with you OP. Just because young people children want to doesnt mean they should. A child wants to have ice cream for breakfast, yet they shouldnt because it rots their teeth. A child wants everytjing they see on tv, but we know giving a child what they want when they want is detrimental. A child wants to do a lot of things because they dont have the maturity to know better. Ive worked in schools with young carers and its unfair to expect a child to handle that level of responsibility especially as most of them have younger siblings that also need looking after because "mums too ill to do much". People who justify it by saying the kids want to are doing so out of guilt and nothing more. Children arent adults and we shouldnt expext them to act like them.

I never expected my DCs to care for me and most of the time I am fine.However, the last 18 months has seen a massive down turn, whereas before it was maybe once per year, now it is monthly.

However, when I have a bad bout can not sit or stand without falling over and vomiting - they do pitch in.

I realise they are doing adult caring, helping me to the toilet, standing there so I do not fall off, bringing me food and drink. Feeding themselves, putting the washing on.

I am a single Mum, there is no one else, to call on - am not sure what people think we should do. I hate them seeing my weakness but what am I supposed to do?

This thread infuriates me! It's so much more than household chores or a caring role as an adult professional would undertake. It's the anxiety a child feels leaving an unwell parent when they go to school, it's not wanting to ask a parent for money because ill health means mum can't keep her job, it's the older sibling entertaining the little ones because their dad is just got out of hospital. Children being kepy awake by medical machines and carers finishing their shifts.You can not remove children from their parents and family home because they are ill or disabled. Children do things out of love and loyalty and because it is their normal.

Young carers teams do a fantastic job of acknowledging that a child has a different life to their peers, that they have different fears and feel different pressures. They take them out of the home for respite, they pay for clubs and activities that their parents can't get them to. They give them opportunities to do 'normal' things and their parents can breath a sigh of relief that they are not letting their children down (as so many in society and on this thread consider)

"However, these parents are in the minority" I beg to differ, U.K. Has a huge problem with parents with addictions, disabilities, mh problems not being properly supported.

It's estimated that 750,000 adults are regular street drug users, that's the ones we know about and doesn't include alcohol, otc and prescription meds addictions.

"In other words, caring takes an emotional strain as well as a physical one" but relieving the physical/practical strain reduces the emotional strain.

Relieving the practical strain reduces the emotional strain??? Really go tell children that who have seriously ill parents. I can assure you, not having to make a cup of tea or change a bed won't make the suffering of loved ones better.

People are confusing the role of a young carer. It doesn't have to be obvious practical support they provide.

I don't really get the conflicting attitude of "my kids went through this and I wish they hadn't" and at the same time being defensive of the role of young carers.

It's not your fault that your children have had to go through this, but it also doesn't mean we should accept it because children come through it "okay".

Same about the fact that there's not enough money to fund more support. It doesn't mean we should just come to terms with the way things are. What the solution is though I honestly have no idea! But I do think that a more vocal public attitude would help in some way.

It's a very emotive subject in my opinion. There's plenty here saying their children are happy to help/care. There's adults who were young carers saying they missed out on childhood due to it. Both are right I feel. My parent had a temporary disability when I was 14 & I had to (was happy to) stand in. I did the shopping, cooking, cleaning etc as my other parent worked away. But though I was happy to do that I dont think I would have been at a younger age, nor if it was for an extended period of time. I would have missed out on studying for exams,friendships and so on. Its harsh but true to say young carers own lives are constrained by caring. In my case it only lasted 6 months or so. I can't imagine years of that.

It's a massive problem that deserves all the funding it needs and, in an ideal world of course no child should have adult responsibilities.

But I'm don't think it's kind or fair to be quite so damning towards those who need their children to help care for them or their other children. Not on this website. A disproportionate number of posters have disabilities, mental health problems or disabled children. It is therefore likely that many posters rely on child carers and I can't begin to imagine how shit some of the posts on this thread must make them feel.

Every situation is different and I'm sure there are huge numbers that are totally unacceptable but shaming all parents if young carers as abusers and neglecters of their children is unnecessary, untrue and unhelpful.

Another problem is that, even if the government would fund live in carers first all who needed them, being a live in carer is not going to be an attractive job to many. Only those who really need the accommodation or who are desperate for a job would want that kind of restricted lifestyle and therefore you wouldn't necessarily get people who are gifted in care work doing it.

I don't believe in young carers, I don't allow my children to be delegated tasks, although sometimes they really want to help, they feel left out if they don't. So you let them help not to hurt their feelings, but it's always on their terms. They know all about my medication, what is taken when, what date it's needed, what it does etc, but they may remind DH but they don't get involved in that.

Stuff we do together is tailored to the fact I can't really move, so a game DD made up which she loved, was hiding a red nose and having to guess the hand it's in.

I hate the way me being ill impacts them having a normal Mum. But we still do lots together.

As a matter of course both have support at school. They talk about everything as a whole and any worries they have about me being ill.

I don't believe like you see on programmes, where I think one was, Mum was depressed and a single parent. The 8 year old was shopping, cooking, cleaning, making her Mum bathe, ironing clothes. I can see why she did it, but part of me wanted to shake the Mum and say this is wholly wrong. You need to get extra help as a matter of urgency so the burden isn't on your daughter. 8 years old and having to do a food shop, or having a day off school as Mum didn't want her to go, it's wrong. I would be the same if it wasn't depression but a physical illness. You don't impose on your children's childhood.

I think I have every right to say that as a person who is severely disabled. I have help from a few people, but if there wasn't anyone to do it, which will never be the case, I would never make a list for DD or DS saying ok, no fun time I want all this doing.

In a way you could argue that we're failing as a society. We asked for help, but there was an excuse for everything. It angers me that there's people on disability groups who know how it all works and how to play the game. Call it stupidity or call it small mindedness, but I don't want to pay a membership fee to be told what generic bullshit entitles you to Direct Payments & benefits. If I can't get them off my own merit then that's that. I think it's bordering on lying using generic statements to get what you think you're entitled to. The biggest irony is the people on these groups all craft, they meet up, or have days where they go out, some even go solo to festivals. Whilst most of the time I'm lay down, or occasionally sat up. I help with homework, I play silly games and make up silly stories, plus I post on here, but that's the sum total of my life. I went to the shops with my neighbour, for the first time in years, it's all so different, but couldn't manage long because of the pain, but grabbed some leggings & got a few bits from the food hall at M&S.

The neighbour also comes round and helps too, that's nice having someone to talk to.

DS used to have a thing at being involved in bath time, but I can't safely get out of the bath anymore. But he knows what continence pads are, he grabs me the deodorant so I smell nice. He'd never tell his friends, but he loves doing my hair and playing making up DD & myself with make I bought a lifetime ago but hasn't been used. It's always him suggesting it, it's not expected.

In other countries carers under the carers Allowance scheme get paid a fair amount. I don't know how much it is, I think it's £70, but you have to put in over 35 hours care, you can't earn over a certain amount. DH has commented it's daft because my care is 24/7, he provides masses of care on top of working and a big commute, where the children and he start at 6:30 in the morning, getting back around 6pm at night. All the hours not working he's dealing with my meds, my symptoms, my pain, my care needs as I can't do the stuff myself.

Looking at a league table, some EU countries pay a fair wage for those who provide care, so why does the Uzk feel such a meagre amount is acceptable, when families and friends who provide care save the state a fortune. It's something like £200 a night in hospital for a bed, not to mention medication, but in hospital you get obs & meds. I was frequently left not having had a wash in a week, with my hair pretty grim.

My illnesses will cause premature death, so that's another worry, as my organs are affected by what's wrong with me.

Sorry for going off on one, but I really despise child care. Even though school have said even if they volunteer they have to be registered as child carers. It's so wrong.

You can hate on me for what I said about the woman who solely relied on her 8 year old, that's just over a year older than DD. I couldn't imagine her keeping a house, cooking, looking after me. I get that depression isn't nice, but for the love of your child you should try and motivate yourself some how. OK I have the luxury of another adult who does the bulk of everything. This woman should at least be looking to a charity to see if they could ease the burden. If I was having a bad day I wouldn't keep either child off school, it's my responsibility not theirs.

I do have strong feelings about it, as I have seen on various groups people talk about the stuff they ask their children as young as 4 to do. Neither child is allowed in the cleaning cupboard let alone the medication cupboard which is locked. Let that sink in, 4 year olds having to do grown up stuff. It's not right.

Those who are saying YABU need to really think about the fact that YOUNG CHILDREN, are having their CHILDHOODS and innocence taken away. It wasn't mentioned in the programme I saw, but I wouldn't put it past the woman having her daughter change her sanitary towels, given the child had to undress and redress their Mum.

Ok my children will put my socks on, or shoes on, they'll play in my wheelchair if I'm lay down, they'll grab me a jumper or blanket if I'm cold. You have to draw a line somewhere. Even if I could bath, even though previously we've been liberal about being naked, DH still is, the children have no shame at changing in front of us. I wouldn't want a teenage boy having to see his Mum naked in the bath for a long period. Grabbing something from the bathroom, or nipping to the toilet fine. But I'll repeat myself, you have to draw a line somewhere.

I was watching shopping channels today, there was thing ring, DS said when I get a job I'll buy you one just like that. I thanked him and said it was really sweet. I also said I'm funny about diamonds and stones, as some aren't ethically mined and send children a bit older than his sister to mine them. I think that's wrong. He interjected with, I like doing jobs to get pocket money. I replied that's ok because you like it, plus you get money to spend on what you want. The children in the mines get paid hardly anything, yet look at the cost of that ring.

I guess that is one good thing, if they're in a listening mood, I love educating them about different things, sharing reading time, or encouraging them to write.

It's only my opinion, I'm not saying I'm right, but 4 year olds doing adult duties, just no. I really think it's wrong to impose your problems on your children. The only reason they know a fluffy version of what's wrong is because they were adamant they wanted to know. Otherwise I'd be happy with them just knowing I'm unwell.

I guess what I don't understand is when the parent is and has always been severely ill or disabled, rather than having a progressive or sudden onset condition, how have they managed to raise the child to the age when they could start caring for the parent?

Elkegel, me neither or why they would have a child knowing the child isn't going to have a standard childhood but is there to perform a role for many. It's selfish beyond extreme.

The charity young carers is amazing but it doesn't give a child it's childhood back or tale away burdens they should never have had placed on them.