To think Young Carers should NOT exist and wonder why we are accepting this?

[OopsDearyMe]

I was thinking about my own situation and after seeing the comic relief story about the young carers group. It got me thinking, Why is no one in uproar that children are doing the jobs of social care workers.

If you are elderly and need help, you receive a care package and a carer assigned to you, who visits the home and helps take care of you, yes ? As it should be!

Then why if you become disabled at a younger age, do you not get the same?

Children who work, do so under strict guidelines, if you made your child do the things young carers do, as an able bodied person, you would be seeing social services pretty soon..

So why are we and the government ignoring the fact that thousands of children are doing the jobs an adult carer should be doing?

AIBU to think this is all wrong!

I am not saying the money should not have gone to the charities helping young carers , as I know they do a really important job. But I would prefer the money paid for a carer for the adult, thus preventing any child from becoming a carer in the first place.

NB: I Understand that currently we haven't got enough carers for the elderly let alone anyone else, which is why this happens, But surely this is because the government isn't being pushed to make changes. People seem to say"Oh how sad" and move on..

So the woman who has paraplegia has a partner who is very involved plus a very supportive family who do lots. Her child has a great childhood.

But if she had been a single woman with no family support, then no I don't think it would have been ok to have a child.

And children should not be giving adults emotional support. That is the job of other adults.

Armpitz

How dare you insinuate I didn't care for that girl.

You seem to live in a world where we shouldn't acknowledge the reality of situations.

I knew her. When I heard what she had done, I knew it wasn't a true attempt of suicide. I knew it was a cry for attention, a cry for help.

I had seen her attention seeking behaviour a lot, when I was too young to understand. Purposely hitting her head on the metal playground apparatus. Calling an ambulance from a payphone and pretenging she had cracked her head open at the skateboard park. Rolling down a hill and making me stay lying down with her and pretending she had broken her ankle and waiting for adults we knew to come past.

It was because of her years of no support.

And I never said it was melodramatic. It was tragic.

What I dont understand is why a parent can willingly leave a relationship knowing that their own child will then become a carer to the other parent.

Why are the deserting parents never part of these discussions? They fucking should be as often a divorce is the reason a child becomes a carer above all others.

'How dare I insinuate it'

Because you said something rather unkind about a dead teenager.

Not always Pyong.I know a very disabled woman who was single and chose to get pregnant.

As I've said, several times.

It was not unkind.

It was to illustrate a point. The point being, she did not want to take her own life. I knew it and her school friends and teachers knew it.

She was crying out for help. She was seeking attention.

If you really can't understand that, then that's not my problem.

I love my children, I care for them and provide them with everything they need in terms of our home life and schooling. However I can't prevent or lessen the difficulties of living with a disabled person. Emotionally it does take its toll on a child, however well the parents try to make sure it doesn't.

My children access Young Carers to make them realise that they are not alone in their feelings regarding disabled family members (whatever those complex feelings may be - love, worry, fear and resentment to name but a few). It also provides a welcomed break for the young carers to be free and silly away from the home, which they can sometimes associate with stress and sadness.

Of course I'd much prefer they didn't have to deal with the strain of disability and therefore wouldnt need young carers, but I don't have a magic wand.

What does make me angry is that our local young carers (where my children seek support) are losing funding so removing support for children under the age of 9. Very young vulnerable children will be left with no support, which is a crying shame and I am disgusted with my local authority.

And to be honest Cherries given the girl is identifiable through your link I do think you might want to ask for your posts about her to be withdrawn.

I'm sure you have good intentions but honestly are your memories kind to her memory?

It doesn't matter if she wanted to or not. She did. And you have labelled her an attention seeker. I recognise you don't mean it unkindly but it is still an awful thing to say about a dead child.

I didn't think that was unkind cherries. You just told it how it was. Which is what people need to hear. Poor girl, clearly she had learned that the only way to get attention was to have something wrong with you.

The best way to honour this girls memory is to prevent this from happening again and that means talking about it, warts and all.

I agree Pyong

There's no accountability. My ex abandoned his children and although its not in the same situation at all, i had to delay medical treatment as he refused to help.

OP yanbu. A few chores, cups of tea but other than that no. Kids need to be kids and I cant certainly see it as a form of abuse at the far end of the spectrum.

Her name is public through many easily google-able articles, there is no need to take it down. I literally just googled young carer suicide, anyone doing the most basic research into the matter can learn her name.

Sometimes (and the concept clearly fails you) it is important to acknowledge the realities behind situations, especially tragic ones, and especially ones that can illustrate or pave the way for things we are lacking in society (support for young carers). The same way as it is acceptable to acknowledge that maybe if a parent if disabled enough to not be able to care for themselves and knows there will be very little support for them and their child, then maybe it is not the kindest decision to have that child.

Exacltly Spiteful, thank you :)

That's all I'm trying to explain. Is that these children are vulnerable, and all of her attempts/cries for help went unheeded. It's truly awful :(

armpitz what is wrong with you?

Because she was seeking attention! Because of her awful circumstances.

It was hardly all she was. It's hardly all she will be remembered as, to me or to anyone else.

Cherries, yes it is on google if you know the girls name.

You identified her on here and proceeded to say she was an attention seeker.

Now I am not saying you intended this unkindly. We disagree on this (my mother had cancer, yes it was horrible, no I don't feel I should never have been born at all because my mother had cancer) but I don't get the sense you're an mean person or anything.

But my point is there is a huge difference between 'I knew a girl like this and she was an attention seeker to be honest and :..' and 'I knew a girl and here is her name and her mothers name and she was an attention seeker and ...'

It's just not respectful. I'm sorry but it isn't.

What is awful about highlighting the lengths a young girl went to to try and get someone to notice her suffering?

She was seeking attention! She wanted someone to see, to listen, to help. The fact that it ended up taking her life is utterly tragic, but doesnt alter the fact that she did it to get attention.

Cherries sorry I agree talking about someone who committed suicide as 'attention seeking' and her suicide as 'a cry for help' is ignorant and offensive.

"The point being, she did not want to take her own life" you can't POSSIBLY know that!

Your posts and this one need to be deleted.

If any of you, having gone through YOUR child taking her life because you were dying, would be happy with her memory being described in this way, carry on :)

Personally I would be very distressed if I was this girls sister or brother and came across this discussion.

BrickinitIam that's a horrible post! Most ill/disabled parents don't feel that way AT ALL, they hate that they have NO CHOICE because the support they should be getting isn't being provided.

You seriously lack empathy and understanding.

You're placing the blame on the wrong people.

"I guess if people get disability benefits then they can use some of that money to pay for a cleaner/ carer etc although it probably won't buy many hours care a week." Do you have ANY IDEA how low 'disability benefits' are? The cost of care? How much it costs to BE disabled?

You identified her on here and proceeded to say she was an attention seeker

But she was!

What is wrong with saying that a person who is seeking attention is an attention seeker? Unless your view of that phrase is the negative "drama queen look at me" meaning. Which clearly Cherries didnt mean and you seem to be deliberately misunderstanding that in order to make a point. What that point is, or how it is relevant to this discussion, I dont understand.

I completely disagree with you armpitz and I'm not prepared to apologise for pointing out the tragic reality of this girl's awful situation because one arbitrary term (attention seeking) offends you personally.

It is entirely relevant to this conversation, her death and the fact that it was a cry for help due to her circumstances was widely publicised at the time and still well documented by various news articles. You may have some vendetta against acknowledging the reality of her situation (lest it be direspectful ) but what I find far more insulting is your willingness to dismiss these facts as an insult to her memory, when her legacy can be used to illustrate how important it is that young carer's have support available to them and their families.

Maybe they are mature enough to acknowledge their sister's behaviour was as a result of the failings of the system around her, and to realise that there is a vast difference between saying "well this girl killed herself but she was a bit of an attention seeker" and "The girl killed herself, it was a tragic cry for help that throughout her childhood was echoed to lesser degrees, and should have been realised and acted upon, maybe this should be a lesson for all of us in the future".

Cherries I do not think you mean any harm.

But.

we gradually lost touch as we got on with secondary school.

I believe my childhood friend was mainly responsible for these practicalities (of intimate care and emotional support) I think maybe her mum was severely depressed

The article you later link to states Deanne took her life three days after her thirteenth birthday - so she would only have been in Year 8. Therefore when you knew her, you were young young children. You didn't seem to know her mum had cancer (you thought it was depression) and you seem to have extrapolated quite a bit from the article and your memories that don't add up. Please note I am NOT saying you're lying but I do think you're projecting.

A girl losing her mum is going to be scared, lonely, uncertain, isolated, depressed, probably feeling guilty and anxious. She deserves better than this.

They always say on teen suicides it's a cry for attention: I don't like that myself but either way at this young age it's a cry that worked. It wasn't a meaningless attempt. She meant it. She did it.

Being a young carer is more than stress of looking after your mum. In this case it's watching her die. There is very little you can do other than be honest and try to help children cope.

I lost touch with her when we were about 10, we were friends since pre school. I stated specifically that I was too young to understand, but the behaviour was absolutely there, very obvious even to the young girl I was, and the reason I stated we didn't play round her house, because her mum was ill. I was wrong about the depression, granted, but those are differences an adult would notice, not a child. She was ill and incapable, I knew that much at least. Also confirmed by my older sister who knew her older brother (she is seven years older than me).

I'm not really sure what point you are trying to make about her seeing her mum die. To me, knowing that her mum was terminal still isn't much different than other young carers who have to care for a lifelong disabled/chronically ill parent. Is that really easier? You aren't in a position to comment on that and neither am I. But I do feel you are splitting hairs there.

And I also don't see where you think my memories don't "add up" I watched 6 - 7 years of this girls life develop, she was normal and then she was different. She did not have a happy home life. 10 year old children do not lack such perception. I can see from the article that she had been caring for her mother for 4 years before she died at 13, it makes perfect sense in line with what I remember. With all due respect, you aren't in my position, you didn't know her, you don't know what I know of her, and it also is kind of irrelevant to the point I'm making.

No Fucking Child should be have to be a Carer

OK but where's the support? Where's the school stepping in to say "actually she's struggling so let's see what we can do to help?", rather than punishing for low attendance? Where's the respite so kids can be kids for a weekend, or even just a day? Where's the funding for the support groups who make a massive difference to the lives of young carers? Where's the extended family stepping in and helping, because the ill person is more likely to be in a position to accept help from someone they know and trust than a stranger who is only there because they get paid? Where are the friends who don't cool off the friendship with the young carer because they can't have sleepovers and don't have as much freedom as their friends?

Being a young carer is beyond difficult but if you're going to point the finger of blame, there are a lot more people to point it at before you target the parents, who feel immensely guilty about the responsibilities placed on their kids and are not abusing them by being disabled ffs.