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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Is my sister being entitled or does this sound reasonable to you?

135 replies

motherofallhens · 31/03/2017 09:23

I am feeling fed up! I am having my sister’s two boys to stay over the holidays. This was my suggestion and we are really looking forward to having them here. However, in addition to having them here for 10 days, my sister also expects me to meet her halfway to pick them up, then drive them halfway home again. They live 3.5 hours away from us so quite a lot of driving.

Am I being U in thinking that she is being U?!

Total disclosure here, we don’t have a particularly good relationship and never have done. We get on fine when we see each other but she never makes any effort with me or my children at all. That is, she is a bit patchy with remembering the kids’ birthdays and she never calls me, remembers my birthday or suggests getting together etc. (and I mean literally never in each case!)

However, she is still my sister and I don’t want my children to have the relationship with their cousins that I have with mine (i.e. none at all). Consequently, I invite her children here every holiday and I am sometimes allowed to have them :) They are fab and get on very well with mine (similar ages).

I have had to do overtime this week so that I can take next week off – I am blimmin shattered and could really do without all the driving prior to having a houseful of children all week – although I love having them here it will be very full on! Is it too much to ask that she at least does one of the trips herself? Is it not just a teeny-bit taking the pee, especially given that she doesn’t work and I will have done 50+ hours this week to make time to have her kids to stay?

What d’you ladies think or should I stop whining seeing as this situation is entirely of my own making?!

OP posts:
Touchmybum · 01/04/2017 19:06

Same situation here - only my sister lives 5 minutes away....

She has all day every day free while her kids are at school, and she can't move her lazy ass to get them to you?? Especially when you have offered to leave them back? There is no reason on god's green earth why she couldn't stay over one night with you. Does she have a DH/DP? If so, couldn't they share the driving?

I don't think you are going to be able to sustain this unless and until she lets them travel by train.

You've had to bust your bollocks working to facilitate this, and she who doesn't have to leave her home to do a job of work all day, is willing only to put in minimum effort? Fuck that for a game of soldiers.

OopsDearyMe · 01/04/2017 19:42

That's perfectly reasonable, unless you are gonna spilt to drives one does drop off and one pick up?

AGrinWithoutACat · 01/04/2017 19:58

My SIL offered to have my older 2 DC for a couple of weeks over the holidays a few years ago

We drove them there (over 4 hour round trip) packed food for the DCs (and for SIL &BIL) left spending money for treats and picked them up and said thank you a lot!

DH and I also both work full time and trip down was after a full day at work

You are being lovely and not unreasonable

JustSpeakSense · 01/04/2017 20:13

I think it is lovely for you to have them, and you are giving all the cousins wonderful gift of time together and a relationship with each other.

I think 7 hours is a very long journey and if she is expected to do that, she probably won't let them come again.

AnnabelC · 01/04/2017 20:19

Could your other halves do the driving? X

TinselTwins · 01/04/2017 20:32

I think the problem here is that you see having the boys as you doing a favour for her
And she sees letting you have the boys as her doing you a favour.. since it's something you keep saying you want!

In this case, I'm with her, it would be a massive sacrifice to pack my kids off for the "good time" - i.e. school holidays. I wouldn't enjoy it, but if my sister begged and insisted on "cousin time" I might aggree to it. she didn't ask you, you asked her, so you are the main person benefiting here, so the inconvenience of the journey should be on you.

PennyPickle · 01/04/2017 20:39

If your sister refuses to bring her children to you for a 10 days break you are more than welcome to have mine OP. Ill drive there and back - no problem :D

Electrolens · 01/04/2017 20:47

You sound like a fabulous aunt and your children and their cousins will really appreciate that relationship.

But is there a reason she's not driving to drop them off and stay for a meal and a glass of wine, then drive back the next day? Because that's the obvious solution. I know you've said that's on offer, but have you explicitly offered it or said 'this is the plan'? I know you said she'd view it as 'worst part of journey' but it would be nice for the kids to see you spending time together too. I don't know the background of course.

A seven hour round trip in a day is doable but it's not great for either of you!

eddielizzard · 01/04/2017 20:57

if you meet her halfway to pick up the kids, ask her to meet you half way when you drop them back. make her make a small concession at least.

err... my kids would love to come and stay with you. i'll bring them over in my wheelbarrow.

Tapandgo · 01/04/2017 21:10

You sound like an ideal aunt, your sister sounds like a nightmare. Two 3 and a half hour drives is no big deal once a year - and a bargain for 10 days child free break.

Hia3 · 01/04/2017 21:19

As you offered to have the kids and don't have a great relationship with your sister- it might be best to keep to sharing the driving. It would be a shame, if she decided not to let the kids stay.
7 hours driving is too much.
Obviously if she had asked you as a favour - then I would have expected her to do the driving.

Daydream007 · 01/04/2017 21:22

Given the fact that you work and she doesn't she should do all the driving and return the favour!

Kerileegray · 02/04/2017 03:04

YANBU! I live in London and my sister lives in Telford, she has offered to look after my son for the weekend and I have driven him there and turned around within the hour (I did have something planned for that night,lol). But I think if someone is offering to have your children and you get a break (10 days! Who gets that amount of time off?) the very least she could do is drive them to you. If it is the driving that's the problem for her then yes, offer for her to stay the night. It would be a good opportunity for you guys to spend a little time together as well. Failing that maybe offer to do the half way drive to pick them up but let her know that she has to pick them up, no negotiations! And remember that you are doing this for you neice/nephew more than you are doing it for her. You guys already have your relationship but the time that you are putting in now for your NC and NW (did I even write that correctly?!) will stay with them forever!

IAmNotAWitch · 02/04/2017 03:35

I would just decline you having them on those terms if I was her.

7 hours is too much driving for me in one day.

Your idea, your benefit, if you want to do it then do it. If not, then don't. My kids are older now, I don't need a break from them in the holidays. She probably sees this as her doing you a favour rather than the other way around.

FairytalesAreBullshit · 02/04/2017 03:42

I was thinking surely if you can accommodate it, then staying would be better for both of you. If things are with your sister how you say, maybe the meeting half way is a nudge for that to happen.

Ask your sister to get either the kiddies portable beds with built in pillows, or a double inflatable mattress so they have somewhere comfy to sleep. Advise the money saved in fuel should easily cover the cost.

They are your DN's at the end of the day, they'll totally adore you hopefully for the sacrifice. Maybe ask sister for some money towards the good bill.

Pinklady1982 · 02/04/2017 05:46

Op ignore the harsh comments, your words are being twisted with every post you write, you sound lovely, and I wish I had a sis like you! I don't think yabu at all, but think you may still need to agree to the half way thing here so you don't risk your sis changing her mind altogether x

BathshebaDarkstone · 02/04/2017 06:12

I'm on the fence about this: 7 hours is a ridiculously long round trip, but you're having her DC for 10 days!

dreamingofsun · 02/04/2017 09:24

bathsheba - but some people, me included, see that as a negative - that someone else is having your kids for 10 days. i would hate not having them around and see this as me doing her a massive favour

WhataHexIgotinto · 02/04/2017 09:30

YANBU at all. Your offer was to have her DC's for 10 days, if she wanted to accept that VERY kind offer, it's up to her to get them to you. If she didn't want to do that, she didn't need to accept.

WhataHexIgotinto · 02/04/2017 09:35

bathsheba - but some people, me included, see that as a negative - that someone else is having your kids for 10 days. i would hate not having them around and see this as me doing her a massive favour

Sorry dreaming I may be being thick but i don't understand what you mean. Why is the sister doing a massive favour for the OP? (If that's what you mean?). Presumably, if she didn't want them to go, she wouldn't let them?

rookiemere · 02/04/2017 09:48

It seems fairly neutral as to who is getting the favour in this case.

OP asked the DNs to stay, DSis asked if they could stay for 10 days, OP agreed.

Dsis does not work so does not need childcare.

I'm not a great driver and I'd find a 7 hr round trip horrific and not something I'd be prepared to do in a day. I'm not sure how, or if that would change if I were to be a SAHM. Meeting half way each time seems the most sensible way to do it.

dreamingofsun · 02/04/2017 11:18

whata - she might not particularly want them to go and she might think that she is doing the OP the favour. there seems to be an assumption on this thread by some, that people like not having their kids around. yes she's agreed to it, but that doesn't necessarily mean she's wholly enthusiastic about it

Witchend · 02/04/2017 11:38

There's two ways of looking at it whata
The first is the obvious one as the Op is the one who's written from her point of view.

Mother who doesn't really do anything other than stay at home and look after the children is going to have 10 lovely days at the expense only of 2 days' driving. She can do anything she wants while the children have a lovely time with their cousins. She doesn't need to contribute anything and can't be bothered to do anything to help.

Or the other side potential view:
"I'm a SAHM, but we're very busy during the term time, and don't get a lot of time to spend time as a family or even just relaxing. Dsis asks every single holiday if my dc can go and stay with the cousins and huffs when I say no we've got other plans.
The dc used to love it when they were younger, but now they just want to spend time round their own friends and chilling out at home. I like to have the holidays to do things and just mooch around.
She then expects me to act like I'm so grateful to her, when actually I really miss them and don't want them to go at all.
We have a bit of a history of bad relationships between us so I don't feel that I can always say no, but if she had her way they'd spend most of each holiday with them."

Maybe you'd feel as the former. I'd feel the latter.

WhataHexIgotinto · 02/04/2017 11:48

Hmm, I'm afraid that if your second scenario was the case, (which is of course an assumption) I would put the feelings of my children first and wouldn't pack them off to somewhere they didn't really want to go for 10 days. I don't really understand why you would do that.

I wouldn't want them away for 10 days anyway but i guess we're all different.

TinselTwins · 02/04/2017 12:12

Presumably, if she didn't want them to go, she wouldn't let them?

Because sometimes people give a little and agree to things that wouldn't be their first choice!

If the OP asks frequently for "cousin time" in the holidays, she may say yes occassionaly (like on this occasion), but giving in isn't proof of full willingness or happiness with the situation, it's called comprimise and I can see the possibility that the sis is making a comprimise by agreeing to this at all.

The OP has said that she asks for this regularly and the sis sometimes says yes, this suggests reluctance. And if someone does something you ask for reluctantly you have a choice: make it as easy for them as possible, or make it hard and they might just not bother at all. The OP clearly wants this arrangement more than anyone for her own reasons (she spoke about her issues about not having contact with her own cousins). The kids haven't asked for this, their mother hasn't asked for this. The OP has, and if it's that important to her she should minimise the impact it has on others (who are already missing out on holiday time)